1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Monday Night Football.
5. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
8. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind.
9. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
10. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
11. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
12. You understand why Stripes is funny.
13. Your last name stays put.
14. The garage is all yours.
15. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
16. You never have to clean the toilet.
17. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
18. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
19. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
20. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
21. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
22. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
23. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
24. Everything on your face stays its original color.
25. Chocolate is just another snack.
26. You can be president.
27. Flowers fix everything.
28. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
29. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
30. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
31. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
32. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
33. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
34. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
35. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
36. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
37. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
38. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.
39. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
40. Same work… more pay.
41. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
42. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
43. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
44. The remote is yours and yours alone.
45. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
46. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
47. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
48. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
49. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
50. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”