Friday night, having spent one of my worst days at the office due to my personal hell that is going on in my mind, I felt all alone. Despite having friends who care about me. That is so funny, I know. I can’t begin to describe the kaleidoscope of emotions that went through my mind throughout the day. First was the drama with my mother; as always it usually signals a bad day. I told her off and admitted to her that I, not only have had it with life and that I would welcome death but if I was to continue to live, that it would have to be on my own and all alone. Perhaps even keep a healthy distance from family. This last part was said as I was leaving the apartment and did not give her any oppurtunity to react.
As I contemplated this statement over and over in my mind, I started to calculate the cost and what all I would require when I did eventually leave. To live out a proper life in Kerala on my salary is not easy, especially with the way I handle money. So I would have to get off my ass and ensure that I stick to a tight budget and never overspend even a bit. That would be crucial. What relatives and other people would say when they would find out that I had moved & would stay separate from my family while still in the same city will be another thing but the least of my problems. However should I wait until I get a little more in means of salary?
Around 3:30 my whole world collapsed in front of me. What little positivity I was carrying around in the form of bravado died on the spot.
That comes to my last bit – I came close to being gone from this earth myself. I left the office around 8 pm with a couple of friends but they were heading to the company quarters on a bike in one direction and I was heading in another. I had to cross the dark & damp place under the bridge and over the railway crossing all on my own. It was very dark having rained all night and I only had the light from my cell phone to guide me through. As I was going there, I saw a distant light in the dark. This yellow light was welcoming and it was moving towards me. I was fascinated by it and was looking straight at it as I walked. I was on the train tracks by then and it was indeed a train approaching. I didn’t know anything else in this world. Just that light, even the sound of the train escaped me. Actually it was only the front engine and one boggie. But I was not moving much. At that time, I heard someone call out my name and I moved towards that voice. It was a security guard from the company building who called me. I stepped back and the train passed me by. I don’t know if he knew that I was on the track, since it was so dark. He probably did not know that had he passed by a few seconds later, I would not be here to type this entry.
Why does that not feel like a good thing? Maybe he should not have been there.
Song for the day – “Tonight Is The Night I Fell Asleep At The Wheel” – BARENAKED LADIES