I was home alone mostly by myself today. Woke up at 7:30 am and resigned myself to staying at the computer and watching a movie or two or surfing the net. I was able to watch quite a few music videos and live performance clips from Youtube. Breakfast was coffee and some biscuits. Infact biscuits have been my meal for the day, the rice & semi-cooked curry not having any taste at all, so I discarded it. More coffee followed.
I don’t want to be forced to have the company that I keep. The family, the office folks, the relatives. I mean I don’t even like most of these people. The few real friends that I have will always be there when they can. But I prefer to stay alone. I was thinking about how I thought my life would be by the age of 30-32. When I was younger, I always thought that I would be a family man, well settled with a wife and a kid with another baby on the way. But I was in my teens or in my early 20s at that time. I am nowhere close to being where I thought I would be.
It’s not just the money. It’s not just the dissatisfaction at not earning the kind of money that I know I can do if I just had some luck. It’s not just the fact that I am not so sure about this job cause some stupid thing or an idiot might make me go ballistic at the office and I may throw my resignation at their faces and march right out and hence the security of getting a steady source of money might be gone. It’s more to do with the fact that I am lonely and I fill my loneliness with comfort food. Or shutting myself in my room. Or hating the sight of the noise my sister’s kids make when they are here. Or hating myself for not having enough money to live even half the manner in which I want to live on my own.
I am having difficulty in putting my feelings into words. I’m going to try to do that tomorrow but I’ll most probably password protect it, so the faint of heart will not be able to read it.