Do You Think You’ve Lived Before?

A lot of people I know believe that they have life before and say that they will be born again. This is one of the basic beliefs in Hindu culture and goes back thousands of years. So people claim that they can even remember part of their previous lives and I believe them! Yeah right! And pigs can fly and a monkey will come out of your ass too!

Imagine if you did have them and you could remember parts of it. Like your spouse from your previous life is also alive here and you meet him/her and sparks fly. It would be funny if you were a guy in your past life and in this one you are a girl. And you meet a guy who in your past life was a woman and your wife! And in this life you fall in love and you get married! What a hoot! Now who wears the pants in this relationship! And when you have an argument you sometimes get confused…..”Wait a minute, am I answering a point for an argument in this life or the previous one?”

You know what I think happened in a previous life of mine?

In my previous life  I was a young prince, just around the time that the British Raj was established in India. I was popular and next in line to rule the small kingdom, one of many in the land. I defined the British and they mostly kept away because they were afraid of my army. And once when I went riding on my horse, I saw a beautiful young English lass, going along in a carriage. I fell in love and I pursued her. She was the only daughter of the British General in charge of the Raj in this part of India. I courted her and made her fall in love with me. The general found out and he was mad. “My daughter marry an Indian prince! Never!!!!” And he sent his soldiers to kill me. We fought and I almost escape but there were too many soldiers to fend off. As a sword  thrust it’s shiny steel blade into my heart and the blood poured out, my last word said with my dying breath was the name of the lovely English lass who has stolen my heart!

The end!

Never, Ever Do This

Hmmmm I’m usually a believer of the thought process that we must all experience life by making our own mistakes….. but if I would advice other not to do something which I have done, it would be:

Never trust anyone too much. Family, friends, workplace – whoever it may be! And make sure that the trust that they get from you is hard earned. I’ve trusted easily and paid the penalties for it. At one point of time I used to believe everyone and thought only good of most people. Ofcourse there were the ones I hated & though ill off but they were few and far between. Until my late 20s I thought this way and it got me mostly grief.

So my advice to you dear readers. Take it or leave it!

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Why I Want To Be A Tamil Movie Super-star Actor

I’d want to be a Tamil movie actor:

1. I’d be able to flick a lotus/rose at my lovely & sexy co-star and she’s have an orgasm!

2. I won’t need any acting skills just over-acting skills.

3. Dialogues are a secondary matter; the ability to convincingly break bottles and say ‘DAI’ is more important.

4. Ofcourse my direct competitor will be superstars Rajnikant & Kamal Hassan who started acting around the same time as their current co-stars’s parents were in diapers!

5. I’d be able to go to Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong, the US or Australia just for a song and stun the locals there with 10 costume changes in a single song.

6. The movie does not have to be good; the stupid repetitive songs with non-sense lyrics and a few English words thrown in for good measure with music from AR Rahman or one of his clones will draw in people. Add a rap in Tamil and it’s a hit!

7. I need not shave or bathe but the pretty actresses will still fall for me in the movies and 9 out of 10 who are not from the state.

8. In order to prove how cool I am, my song sequences will have lots of Caucasian female dancers, who will be stunned at the dance moves and action sequences that require them to forget all the dance training that they have had!

9. I might get a temple built in my honour and people will worship me.

10. People will want me to name their new-born babies and kiss them!

11. I will go to the slums & villages and make them vote for me when I all of a sudden declare my intention to enter into politics!

If I Could Be Two People

Now let me get this straight – we are talking about splitting me into two Roshans both who look like me or a duplicate of me right? Both Roshans would be equally the same in all aspects and have the save abilities & memories. That’s what I am talking about, two mes. Ok – so if I could split myself into two equal Roshans here is what I would do:

1) The two mes would take turns going to work and resting at home. No wait that would not be good. We’d have to get two jobs to make enough money for the both of us. But we could swap jobs in between when we get bored and no one would come to know.

2) One guy would go away on vacation while the other me stay back and work and vice-versa.

3) I’d play tricks on people, women especially and laugh as they get confused. I’d pull a lot of funny stuff on my friends too.

4) I’d do a little Roshan sandwich with willing women who want TWO much of a good thang! Oh the explicit stuff that this threesome promises is just too much for words.

5) Might be strange but for the first time a little me-on-me action might also take place. Just to see what it feels like to go fuck myself!!

LOL, ok I am a dirty, dirty boy!

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If I Could Star In Any TV Commercial

There are so few things that I would like to represent in a commercial ad for n tv. I really believe in and always use Old Spice shaving cream and after shave lotion. I love that stuff, especially their fresh lime fragrance once – it really makes shaving in the morning a fresh invigorating experience. I also love Gillette shaving razors & blades but because they are more expensive than the local stuff, I rarely use their products. I would like to endorse them though; then I would get a lot of their stuff for free.

I would be so cool in their ads – at this point of my life I get my 5 o’clock stubble at around 12 pm if I shave at say around 9am! So I would always have stubble for them to shoot an add. Plus I look really haggard if I do not shave for a couple of days and I look pretty cute when I am clean shaven. So that would be cool for a before & after shaving look in the ad. Throw some busty babes in the ad who want to drape themselves on me after the shave and caress my face over & over. What a great commercial!

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The Cave

I came to know about this movie while clicking through movie trailers in Youtube and saw the trailer for this 2005 release. The Cave was released around the same time as Descent and followed  by The Cavern, and they all follow similar themes. The movie stars Cole Hauser, Eddie Cibrian, Morris Chestnut, Marcel Iure?, Lena Headey, Rick Ravanello,Piper Perabo and Daniel Dae Kim.

The story is simple – 30 years ago a group of explorers are searching for a long lost Abbey in the Carpathian mountains of Romania.  As they find it they are surprised to see that the church was built over an underground cave system. As they blast their way in, the floor gives away and they fall into an opening in the cave system. As the recover they hear a strange pinging noise in the darkness. The group is never seen or heard of from again. In the present day a group of expert cave explorers & climbers led by Jack & Tyler McAllister are hired by Dr. Nicolai & his associate Dr Katherine Jannings to investiate the dgepths of the cave. The crew includes rock-climbing professional Charlie, first scout Briggs, sonar expert Strode, survival expert Top Buchanan, and cameraman Alex Kim.

As Briggs is sent to scout for the first base camp, Strode wanders off and is attacked & taken away by a hideous demon like creature and his equipment explodes causing a cave-in. With their way back out blocked the team has to find another route out. Katherine finds a strange cave dwelling parasite which she later deduces has never seen the outside world. Jack is stuck while they move on through and attacked by a creature. Although he escapes from it’s grasps, he is injured and infected with the parasite. Jack also begins to exhibit a transformation of his senses, and physical features. He leads the team through various parts of the cave and although he looks & acts weird, Tyler convinces the others to follow his brother’s lead.

While the team go through the rapids that they come across Dr. Nicolai is attacked and dragged away by one of the creatures. The rest of the group find themselves facing a wall of rock and Charlie climbs the wall to find a way out. She is attacked by a creature and although she kills one, another one attacks and kills her. The group place Charlie down and notice the pupils of Jack changing to resemble the creatures. Remembering the remains of the previous explorers and the tattooed creature, they realize that the creatures are the previous explorers. They were transformed as the result of the symbiotic parasite that infects a host and begins to mutate it. In the case of humans, they are transformed into the mutant-humanoid demons, built for surviving in a cave environment. They have wings, amphibian skin, echolocation hearing (which are the strange sounds of them navigating in the dark), razor sharp teeth, and long claws. They are no longer human and they now only hunt down and slaughter anything that enters their new home. They realize Jack is quickly mutating into one of them, the team splits up, their trust in him shattered, but Tyler and Top stay with him.

Jack’s group finds a possible way out but Top gets injured and with Jack going through another change, Tyler goes to bring the other back. Briggs is killed and the other two rush off with Tyler. Alex is killed by one of the creatures, while Jack fights off two of them to get to some breathing equipment that the creature took away. As he causes and explosion, killing some of the creatures and himself, Top, Tyler & Katherine escape back to the surface. At the end of the film, as Top leaves in a cab in the town, Tyler is stunned to see that Katherine has been infected, as her pupils now resemble the creatures, and she leaves, disappearing in a large crowd of people.

Not too exciting, just a couple of good scenes here and there. Disappointing inspite of a good cast. 6 outta 10!

What Makes Me Smile

Funny movies that tickle my funny bone can make me laugh. Like the Harold & Kumar movies, Carry on series, most Jack Black, Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Mike Myers movies. Great tv sitcoms like Seinfeld, Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, Corner Gas & Home Improvement. These are guaranteed to make me smile.

I like dirty jokes. Limericks are my fav; I love the dirty limericks to death. Like this one:
There once was a fellow O’Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

Or,
A new farmer’s helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, “Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!”
Said the boy, “But me whole bucket’s full.”

An email from a friend can make me smile. There’s this woman called Desiree in Toronto. Her emails to me bring a hope, a ray of sunshine & a rainbow to my world. And she always makes me feel happy.

A good song can make me smile. I catch my self smiling when I hear an upbeat song and which can bring back some memory or the other.

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Banged My Knee & It Hurts

I’m lucky that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it could be but it could have been worse.

Yesterday I got into a bus headed to work, as usual at around 2:45pm. After we reached Aluva it became quite crowded and I was standing at the very back of the bus. With Onam being on Friday, most offices & colleges were closing for a 4 day weekend and lots of people were rushing into buses and trains heading home to their families in different town. Anyway I was standing with hardly much room to move forward and was facing the seat on my left.

Just before Athani, there is a small bridge and two road bumps right before and after it. Any driver who passes that way regularly should know that they are there and slow down a bit but what I have noticed is that these assholes driving the state run KSRTC buses do not do that. This bastard driving the bus went quite fast on the two bumps and on the second one I was thrown up into the air by quite a few inches. I landed hard and my left knee banged against the metal part of the handrest of the seat in front of me. I yelled out loud and a few people looked back in surprise. It hurt pretty bad and I was bending over in pain but not one person asked me how I was or offered to help me. Motherfuckers were too busy with their thoughts I guess.

I couldn’t stand it at all and I got down at the next bus stop, which was Athani. The bus conductor asked me why I was getting down there as there was still a bit to go to where i had bought the ticket for. I just glared at him and the people in the bus and as it moved off, I said a big FUCK YOU and gave them the middle finger salute.

I leaned back at the bus stop, waited a bit and then boarded another bus to the office. I was limping my way into the office and luckily for me there was a spray bottle for sprains & muscle pulls in the medicine box. I used that liberally twice during the evening work shift and kept my left leg raised ontop of another chair for most of the time. I limped my way back on the way home but this morning it feels much better.

To all those people, my fellow travelers, at the back of the bus who heard my agony and did nothing and not even ask me how I was, to the bus conductor & the driver – all of you going home to enjoy Onam and have a grand feast? Well I hope there is a cockroach in your payasam and I hope you all get dysentery you fucking assholes!

Darkest Day Ever For Hockey

Ice hockey has suffered it’s worst summer ever. On 7th September a chartered plane carrying the professional ice hockey team and coaching staff of Lokomotiv Yaroslavl of the Kontinental Hockey League (KHL), crashed near Yaroslavl, Russia. The team was on its way to Minsk, Belarus, in order to start the 2011–12 KHL season.  All players from the main roster plus four from the farm team were on board the aircraft, which struck a tower mast, caught fire and crashed shortly after take-off, 2.5 km (1.6 mi) from Tunoshna Airport. Preliminary reports say that all but two people (one player and one crew member) who were on board are confirmed dead. René Fasel of the International Ice Hockey Federation called the crash “the darkest day in the history of our sport.”

My heart goes out to the families of the dead. Among the more famous names are Salei & Demitra, players who I have watched on more than a few occasions. RIP to all on the plane

  • Vitali Anikienko, 24, Ukranian
  • Mikhail Balandin, 31, Russian
  • Gennady Churilov, 24, Russian
  • Pavol Demitra, 36, Slovakian
  • Robert Dietrich, 25, German
  • Marat Kalimulin, 23, Russian
  • Alexander Kalyanin, 23, Russian
  • Alexander Karpovtsev, 41, Russian
  • Andrei Kiryukhin, 24, Russian
  • Nikita Klyukin, 21, Russian
  • Igor Korolev, 41, Russian
  • Stefan Liv, 30, Polish-born Swede
  • Jan Marek, 31, Czech
  • Brad McCrimmon, 52, Canadian
  • Sergei Ostapchuk, 21, Belarusian
  • Karel Rach?nek, 32, Czech
  • Ruslan Salei, 36, Belarusian
  • Maxim Shuvalov, 18, Russian
  • K?rlis Skrasti?š, 37, Latvian
  • Pavel Snurnitsyn, 19, Russian
  • Daniil Sobchenko, 20, Russian
  • Ivan Tkachenko, 31, Russian
  • Pavel Trakhanov, 33, Russian
  • Yuri Urychev, 20, Russian
  • Josef Vaší?ek, 30, Czech
  • Alexander Vasyunov, 23, Russian
  • Alexander Vyukhin, 38, Ukranian
  • Artem Yarchuk, 21, Russian

 

If I Could Take Any Class for Free

I would take a class to learn French. Back in 2002 I almost bought a book, which also had two cds to help along with the process, to help me learn the language on my own but yeah I never bought it.

I’ve always thought of French as the most beautiful language of all. Some languages are cool & nice while others are inherently harsh and sound like you are vomiting while you speak the words. French isn’t like that. It is a smooth sounding, sexiest language ever. You could say that you are going to take a big shit in the toilet and it would still sound cool.

It’s a language that I would enjoy learning and heck anyone looks & sounds cool speaking French. I’ve learnt a few words & how they are pronounced over the years but not enough to start a conversation with a French speaker. So if I do get the chance mon ami, French is what I would like to take.

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USB Device Manufacturers Stole My Idea

I hope all of you know & have used a USB internet device (dongle as some people call them) on your desktop or laptop or netbook. I have one myself although I won’t be using it for much longer; I’m gonna be cancelling the service as I do not think I need one at the moment. But the reason that I am blogging about it today is that the companies who create & sell these devices should be paying me royalty because they stole the idea from me!

My imagination is quite active and I thought about about such a device way back in 1998! Well it wasn’t the USB device like it is now but still the main idea was still the same. I started going to an internet cafe once a week for a couple of hours in 1998 and missed using the net for the rest of the time. I had only seen laptops in tvs series myself. So I thought wouldn’t it be cool if there was a device which connect to the net and was portable enough to carry it around along with the laptop. Ofcourse I didn’t know the USB device shape and so I envisioned a mini-satellite dish, the size of a large coffee mug which you could connect to your laptop and it would connect to the internet for you. That was my dream and my imagination created it. And these companies stole my idea! They owe me billions of dollars for this.

I will sue!

Star Trek: Of Gods & Men

Star Trek : Of Gods & Men is an unofficial Star Trek 3 part mini-series created by its producers as a “40th Anniversary gift” from Star Trek actors to their fans. It was filmed in 2006, but its release was delayed until 2007-08. It is not officially endorsed by the rightsholders of Star Trek , and therefore not considered as cannon, but has been covered on the official Star Trek website. Just like the numerous fan created stories.

It’s fun to see some of the actors and characters that we have known & loved for so long once again. Of Gods & Men which was recently named by the SyFy Portal Genre Awards as the top web project of 2008, is directed by Tim Russ (who is famous for having portrayed the Vulcan Lt. Cmd. Tuvok in Star Trek Voyager) who also plays the same character here. Original Trek characters Uhura (Nichelle Nichols), Chekov (Walter Koening)  are joined by Captain Harriman (Alan Ruck) as the main characters along with Russ. Garrett Wang, J G Hertzler, Chase Masterson, Cirroc Lofton, Gary Graham & Ethan Phillips have roles that are different from their established characters in Star Trek (DS9, Enterprise & Voyager).

Set in the year 2305, Captain Nyota Uhura attends the dedication of a new USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-M), a replica of the original 1701. It is designed as a museum ship and a tribute to all who served on the original Enterprise, especially to Captain Kirk’s sacrifice. Uhura meets up with her former crewmate now Captain Pavel Chekov and John Harriman, captain of the Enterprise-B as the ship is launched. It’s 12 years after the death of Captain Kirk. But a distress signal lures the crew to a distant world code-named M-622, which turns out to be the world of the fabled Guardian of Forever. Because of the actions of Charlie Evans (William Wellman), who has returned from Thasian space to exact vengeance upon Kirk, the three captains suddenly find themselves in an alternate universe of total domination. Charlie enters the portal and suddenly the world is changed.

In this parallel world, Harriman commands the starship Conqueror, serving a mysterious evil supreme being, hell bent on conquering the galaxy.  Harrimans’ crew include security chief Garan (Wang), first officer Koval (Hertzler), and the Orion communications officer Xela (Masterson). The 3 of them serve their captain but also plot to over throw the others and take command of the Conqueror. Harriman unleashes a weapon that destroys the planet Vulcan on which Uhura was living with her vulcan husband and her son, daughter in law & grandchildren. As the planet is destroyed, some Vulcans escape on ships; Uhuru & Tuvok are captured by Harriman. Also imprisoned are two rebel soldiers – freedom fighter Ragnar (Gary Graham from ENTERPRISE) and Kittreck (Koenig) – with their own agenda in mind for defeating Harriman.

Our heroes are able to discover that they have to change the timeline and take over the ship. Harriman is convinced that he is to help them and they get Charlie, a changed man in this lifetime to tell them what he did to make such drastic changes to the world. It turns out that Charlie had gone back in time through the portal and killed Captain James Kirk’s mother before she could deliver the legendary captain. The absence of one man led to such drastic alterations to this time line. Our heroes also have to battle the mysterious evil being, Gary Mitchell (who in the TOS pilot was killed) who had become so powerful. Charlie & Gary fight it out and Mitchell is rendered powerless and he beams back to his ship. Charlie goes back and changes what he did; the timeline changes.

In the closing scene we see a now retired Uhuru marrying her vulcan lover (who in the alternate time line was already her husband and had a son with her). Attending the ceremony on Vulcan are Chekov, Harriman and Janice Rand. Alls well that ends well.For a fan-based film, it’s brisk, fast, ambitious & fun. Forget the bad make up & special effects in this mini-series (hey they barely had a budget) and enjoy the show.

Agents Mulder & Scully

Back in 1995 Star World started showing the first season of The X-files for us Indian viewers. I remember the first time I watched the show; it was in Bangalore in 1995 in my cousin’s house. It was the 3rd episode of the 1st season, “Squeeze”, which is about the guy who can squeeze himself into & through small openings like ventilation shafts & pipes and extracts the livers of his victims to prolong his existence. It creeped me out but in a cool way and I was hooked. I couldn’t watch anymore of the series until I came back to Cochin in mid-1996 and caught some of the reruns of season 1 and season 2.

Other than Star Trek, this was the first series which I was so fascinated with and wanted to know so much more than just watching the episodes. Last night I watched the pilot episode of the show, the first time I am watching it. I decided to get the series after waiting for such a long time. The pilot episode does not have the iconic opening theme music &  title sequence and features a very long looking Fox Mulder & Dana Scully – Gillian Anderson, who was already a stage veteran was only 24 years old here!

Scully is assigned by FBI management to keep tab of Mulder and reign him in from his all-consuming devotion to the X-files and back to normal cases. The duo is drawn into  mysterious deaths of a bunch of youths who all show signs of alien abduction. One of the most funniest & memorable scenes is when the agents are on the plane and as it is about to land the plane experiences turbulence; everyone is shaken up and ruffled but Mulder is relaxing on two seats, lying down and listening to music on his headphones. The legend of the X-files show is set & established as the two apprehend a previously catatonic boy, who looks like under the influence of the aliens’ experiment, is found to be guilty of killing his friends and has no clue as to how it was done.

I enjoyed watching the episode and look forward to more. I know the truth is out there.