1. A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
- Hot dog â $2
- Cheeseburger â $5
- Hand job â $10
He asks the waitress, âMiss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?â She winks and replies, âwhy yes I am.â He says, âWell wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.â
2. Dougall OâReilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: âI got one fer ya!â he says, âI got one!â The crowd quiets. âHereâs to spendinâ the rest oâ me life, lyinâ between the legs âo me wife!â Itâs an easy audience, everyoneâs half cut, and wouldnât you know? He wins the prize for best toast of the night!
Another hour later, Dougall wobbles home and in the back door. He snaps a ÂŁ20 note and presents it to his wife: âMary, guess who won the prize fer the best toast oâ the night?â
âOh, isnât that lovely?â says Mary, âAnd what was this wonderful toast you made?â
âI said Hereâs to spendinâ the rest of me life, lyiâ er, uh, settinâ in church beside me wife.â
âThatâs⊠nice, Dougall.â she says, looking puzzled.
Next day, sheâs on High Street to get something nice for dinner with the wee bounty, when she runs smack into one of Dougallâs drinking buddies. âHey, Mary,â he says, leering, âDidja know Dougall won a prize with a toast about yer last night?â
âI know!â she says, âthough I was a bit surprised meself. I mean, heâs only been there twice in four years, and the last time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!â
