Chizzie and Rita go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and Rita goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces Rita and kisses her passionately. Rita shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to Chizzie and says, “This is what Rita needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
Chizzie thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays, I gotta herd sheep.”
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.” Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?” Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.” Pharmacist: “WHAT?” Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!” Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?” Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!” Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was “comfortable underwear.” Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?”
“Hold them up and imagine them on me,” she said. “If you smile, put them back.”