I remember having my crushes but I guess the first time I had an inkling of someone having a crush on me was when I was in the 9th grade and almost at the end of the school year. This girl in the 7th who I thought was really cute was rumoured to have a crush on me and I kinda knew it to be true when she wrote in my year book but then said that she could write out what she actually wanted to say. And on the last day of the year, her friends were teasing her with me, much to my happiness. I never saw her again as her family moved cities.
The next year, with me resigned to not seeing her again, I finally had a girlfriend – but it only lasted 2 weeks or so. For some reason she suddenly decided that I, a non-Anglo Indian, as not good enough for her. It felt so good when she said she liked me but I have no idea what happened in the few days we had holidays during Onam that made her change her mind. Anyways, I had to let go even though it hurt. And then I met the one that hurts the most. The others pale in comparison.
When I was 16 I met, among all my new classmates for the 11th & 12th grade of my studies, a girl who would soon capture my heart. It would take me 1.5 years to make her mine and I was in cloud 9 when she finally say those amazing 3 words to me. We were a item for 5 years. I was devastated when after several arguments and other issues, we finally broke up. And it was a long time coming. It was something that was boiling for 3 years of that 5 but I desperately clung on, wanting to be with her and make it work. My world collapsed when I finally put the last nail in that coffin but hindsight being 20/20 it was all for the best.
There will be a part 2!
Write about something you lost that you’ll never get back.
What like my virginity? Hey, it’s been so long since I’ve – you know – that I think it’s grown back.
On a serious level I won’t get back a lot of things. I am 46 and I haven’t had the experiences that I wanted to have. I haven’t been in a relationship after I turned 23. I have had my crushes, my attractions and even fallen in love a couple of times since then but never been in a relationship since then.
As the years pass by I know I will never know the feeling of getting married and living with a woman who loves me. I will never know what it is to share a home with her, planning grocery shopping, movie nights, date nights, fighting over the remote, waking up together, going out together, having sex and then falling asleep in each others arms. These are simple things but a long time bachelor like me hasn’t experienced them. The years I have lost without these things always makes me feel like I have missed out on a huge part of life.
Nothing much I can do about it. So I’ve resigned to my fate of being alone and dying alone and continue on with my life.