Dec 11 2013
Dec 9 2013
If you liked the first movie then come back for more of the same in Grown Ups 2, although this one doesn’t really have a story. Directed by Dennis Dugan, the movie sees producer Adam Sandler, return with his co-stars Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Nick Swardson, Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolf and Steve Austin. The movie is set 3 years after the events of the movie and Sandler’s character Lenny Feder has moved his family back to the Connecticut town that he grew up in so he and his family can spend more time with his friends and their respective families.
Like I said there isn’t much of a storyline in this film but you do get the laughs. The events of the movie all happen in a single day. Lenny wakes up to find a large wild deer in his bedroom chewing on his wife Roxanne’s bras. When she wakes up and screams, the startled deer urinates all over Lenny and then runs in the house. It also startles Lenny’s oldest son in the shoer and it pees over him as well. Eventually, Lenny is able to get the deer out of the house just in time to take his children Greg, Keith, and Becky to their last day of school. Roxanne brings up the idea of their family having another baby, but Lenny says their family is perfect as is, upsetting Roxanne. As the school bus driver is stoned, Lenny drives the kids and picks up Kurt, who is so happy that he remembered his wedding anniversary and gave his wife a thoughtful present, but his wife didn’t (which means he can get away with doing stuff his way). Eric Lamonsoff and his wife Sally are at odds with each other over how to raise their children- Sally believes in unwavering support while Eric prefers to be more practical with them. Their son is terrible at math but Eric has to pretend he is a genius with numbers cause his wife thinks he will boost his confidence, while their daughter makes her own glowing shoes to wear to school.
Meanwhile, Marcus Higgins is waiting at a train station after receiving a letter from an old girlfriend, who tells him that he has a seventeen-year-old son Braden. Marcus is stunned to see a tattooed, six-foot-tall boy, who turns out to be Braden. Marcus tries to be nice and takes him to school, but Braden shows an immediate dislike toward him. After that Marcus meets up with Lenny, Eric & Kurt at the local K-Mart and spend the day roaming around town, reminiscing about the amazing summers they used to have when they were kids and Lenny’s childhood bully, Tommy Cavanaugh. Eventually, the friends go to see Becky’s ballet recital, where Lenny runs into Tommy, whom Lenny is visibly terrified of. Tommy threatens that if Lenny ever lies again about being able to beat him up, he’ll publicly beat Lenny up. The guys also ogle at Becky’s ballet teacher, who is stacked, and who also happens to be Tommy’s girl. Once the kids are out of school, Lenny, Eric, Kurt, and Marcus decide to visit the old quarry, where they used to swim as kids. There they run into a bunch of partying frat boys who force them to jump into the quarry naked. Braden who was partying with the frat boys, witnesses this and goes off to vandalize their frat house. When the frat boys return, thinking it’s the work of Lenny and his friends, they swear to take revenge.
Lenny comes back home to setup the 1980s themed house party with Roxanne while Marcus bonds with his son Braden, who realizes that his father is not all that bad. As all of their friends begin to arrive for the party, dressed like 80s icons, Roxanne urges Lenny to consider having another baby. Lenny continues to protest the idea and is left dumbfounded when Roxanne reveals that she is pregnant. He goes off to drink with his friends The Feder’s party goes well most of the night until Tommy Cavanaugh shows up and disrespects Lenny in front of everyone, so Lenny challenges Tommy to a fight. In a surprising turn, Tommy decides to take a dive so that Lenny can look tough for his kids, and the two develop a mutual respect. Soon after, the angry frat boys arrive at the house looking for retribution for the damage to their frat house. They go on to insult the local town residents, inciting a fight. The locals hold their own against the frat boys and eventually send them running away defeated. After all that commotion, the 4 friends go to eat pancakes at Eric’s mom’s house, where she reassure Lenny about having the 4th child. Lenny has a change of heart and goes to reconcile with Roxanne and welcome the new baby to be.
Lots of crazy stuff in the movie including; the most annoying family in all of America (3 yucks who keep yelling Whaaaat?), Shaquille O’Neal as a cop who is scared of his older but smaller sized brother, Taylor Lautner & some idiotic looking guys as really dumb frat boys who make up a lot of stupid handshakes, a gay aerobics instructor who the ladies have a crush on, Kurt’s daughter who can sing extremely well but is shy etc etc. I know it’s low brow humour but it’s fun. 7 outta 10!
Dec 1 2013
The third and final film in the trilogy of movies, The Hangover III is a 2013 comedy film. The movie stars Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Justin Bartha, and Ken Jeong. The supporting cast includes: Jeffrey Tambor, Heather Graham, Jamie Chung, Mike Epps and John Goodman with Todd Phillips directing a screenplay written by himself and Craig Mazin.
The movie starts 2 years after the events of the sequel movie and Leslie Chow escapes from a maximum security prison in Thailand. As the story unfolds we find out that Chow had hijacked half of a $42 million gold heist from mob leader Marshall before he went to jail. Alan’s dad dies in the middle of an argument after Alan accidentally decapitates his new pet giraffe that he had purchased (a stupid CGI giraffe). At his father’s funeral, after Alan first sings a melodic number and then acts inappropriately, Doug tells Phil & Stuart that Alan has been off his ADHD medication and is out of control. They setup an intervention with Alan’s family, in which Alan agrees to visit a rehab facility in Arizona, so long as “the Wolfpack” takes him there. On the way to Arizona, Phil’s minivan is rammed off the road by a rental truck and the group is taken hostage. They are later confronted by mob leader Marshall and “Black Doug”, his head of security. Marshall takes Doug hostage and tells the other 3 that they have 3 days to find Chow and bring him to Marshall. As Alan was the only person who had contact with Chow while the latter was in prison via letters, this seemed to be the logical choice.
They setup a meeting with Chow in Tijuana using Alan’s phone and the plan is to drug him and take him to met the mob lord. However he sees right through the setup and he forces them to confess they are working for Marshall. Chow explains his plan to retrieve the stolen gold from the basement of a Mexican villa he previously owned. Stu, Alan and Phil break into the house and successfully retrieve the gold, but Chow double-crosses them by locking them in the basement, rearming the security system and escaping in Phil’s minivan. They are arrested but mysteriously released from the police station, where they are picked up by a limousine and taken back to the villa, where they meet up with Marshall. That’s when they are told that the house was actually Marshall’s and what they had just stolen was the remaining half of the gold and now Chow has all that money! Marshall forgives them for their mistake but kills “Black Doug” for his incompetence and reminds them of their now two-day deadline. The trio then track Phil’s phone, which was in the mini-van and find that Chow is now in Las Vegas and they find that he has exchanged some old for cash at a pawnshop. Alan strikes up a rapport with the store owner, Cassie (Melissa McCarthy) and he learns from her that Chow wanted to get drugs and escorts. Using Stu’s former lover Jade (Heather Graham) as their contact, they learn that Chow is barricaded in the penthouse suite of Caesars Palace.
While Stu waits in the car Phil & Alan sneak into the suite via dangling from the roof on tied up bedsheets,but Chow escapes, jumping from the balcony and parachuting down to the strip. Stu catches up to Chow and locks him in the trunk of the limo that Marshall had lent to them. They take the gold and meet with Marshall, who releases Doug back to the group. Although Marshall initially promised to not harm Chow, he changes his mind and shoots through the trunk of the car, presumably killing him. Luckily, Alan had freed Chow through a backseat compartment just moments earlier. Chow comes out and kills Marshall and his men with a gun and then turns the gun on Phil but Alan steps in front of his friend and Chow relents as Alan had just saved his life. He offers Alan a bar of gold as a gift, but Alan turns him down, and ends their friendship due to Chow’s unhealthy influence on the group. As Chow sadly watches them leave, they go to retrieve Phil’s minivan from the pawnshop and Alan makes a date with Cassie and the two kiss. 6 months later the gang is gathering for Alan’s wedding with Cassie and he “resigns” from the wolfpack although he says that he wants to meet up every Tuesday and alternate Sundays for fun. As the four of them walk to the ceremony, a montage of their clips from all 3 movies plays as the movie ends. Post credits we see he morning after the wedding, Alan, Cassie and Phil appear to have staged another wild party that they cannot remember. Stu emerges from the bathroom with breast implants and Alan remembers that the wedding cake was a gift from Chow, who emerges from the next room naked, laughing and wielding a Katana.
What the fuck? I need to get that final scene erased from my memory. Another hangover? Well, it’s funny and all that. It’s enough to get a 7.5 outta 10 from me. Good for an afternoon of fun.
Nov 24 2013
After the tremendous positive response & box office success of the first film, Illumination Entertainment and Universal Pictures brought out Despicable Me 2 in July of 2013. Steve Carell, Russell Brand, and Miranda Cosgrove reprise their roles while Kristen Wiig, who played Miss Hattie in the first film, voices agent Lucy Wilde and new voice roles go to Steve Coogan and Benjamin Bratt.
Set a little after the events of the first film, a secret laboratory, which contained a powerful mutagen known as PX-41 which can make indestructible and extremely aggressive monsters out of living organisms, near the Arctic Circle is stolen by a mysterious vehicle using a giant magnet. The Anti Villain League or AVL decide to recruit Gru, now out of the villainous business and a devote father to Margo, Edith and Agnes, to find out who the perpetrator is. The AVL sends agent Lucy Wilde to go bring Gru to their headquarters. Gru initially rejects their offer as he is more interested in making his legitimate business of making jellys and jams a success. He also has a big birthday pary for Agnes. However after another tasting that goes wrong Dr. Nefario, Gru’s friend and assistant, has decided to leave him for new employment, because he “missed being evil.” So Gru decides to reluctantly take the job and joins his new partner Lucy at the The Paradise Shopping Mall, where they are given a bakery called “Bake My Day” as their headquarters. On meeting Mexican restaurant owner Eduardo Perez, Gru suspects him to be the culprit as he believes that Perez is actually a super-villain called “El Macho”, a bad guy who became Gru’s inspiration for a villain who supposedly died after being TNT-laden, skysurfing a shark into the center of an active volcano.
At night the two break in but only find a hostile chicken and a secret recipe for Eduardo’s salsa in the restaurant. They then investigate wig maker Floyd Eagle-san but Gru still suspects Eduardo. Anges, who says her wish to find a mommy, suspects that Gru will fall in love with Lucy, even though he tells her that it is just professional. At a date setup with a woman named Shannon, things go horrible when his wig comes off and Lucy rescues him from the date by shooting Shannon with a tranquilizer dart. They take Shannon home, and after they say good night, Gru realizes that Agnes was right: he has fallen in love with Lucy. However the next day agents from AVL arrest Floyd as they found traces of the mutagen in his shop and Lucy is reassigned to Australia. Before leaving, Lucy gives Gru her lipstick taser to remind him of her. A heartbroken Gru goes home sad and cannot find the courage to call her. Instead he takes the girl to a Cinco de Mayo party at Eduardo’s restaurant and tries to keep Eduardo’s son Antonio who Margo ha fallen for. After he speaks to Eduardo, Gru follows the restaurant owner to a secret lair where he discovers that he was right after all! Eduardo is infact El Macho and he (and his helper, Dr. Nefario) have captured and mutated a large number of Gru’s minions using the PX-41, turning them into insane, savage purple-furred monsters. El Macho plans to send rockets full of mutated Minions to major cities and achieve world domination. El Macho tries to get Gru to join him but Gru leaves with his daughters. Margo, who in the meantime has broken up with Eduardo’s two-timing son, Antonio, who had left Margo for another girl. In his vengeance, Gru uses his freeze-ray to freeze Antonio in a block of ice.
Lucy, on her flight to Australia realizes that she has feelings for Gru so she jumps out of the plane and hang-glides down to the party. She is captured by El Macho, who knows she is an AVL agent. Fortunately Dr. Nefario who has had a change of heart, lets Gru know what is happening. Taking two of his minions disguised to look purple & pretending he was captured by two of the mutant creatures, Gru makes his way to El Macho’s mansion. Fighting alongside his daughters and Dr. Nefario, Gru and his team spray all of the mutated minions with awful-tasting jelly containing a powerful antidote that Dr. Nefario made, whereupon they revert to their friendly yellow state. El Macho then takes the mutagen himself, but Gru and Dr. Nefario overcome him using a fart gun and Lucy’s lipstick-taser. Gru then rescues Lucy, who is tied to a rocket and launched to the same volcano. Lucy accepts Gru’s invitation for a date, and the pair dives into the safety of the ocean seconds before the rocket enters the volcano. 147 dates later, Gru and Lucy are married and Margo, Edith and Agnes finally have a mother. The minions close with a rendition of “I Swear” (sung in minionese as “Underwear” and “Y.M.C.A” while the whole family dances. Then, a purple furry minion shows up, surprising the family.
Lots of fun and enjoyment, even more than the first one, this is a must see with your family. The film has received positive reviews and has become a massive box office hit by grossing over $916 million against its budget of $76 million. 9.5 outta 10!
Nov 19 2013
Just uploaded yesterday, here is my favourite funny Youtube video of 2013 – this dad has some epic timing lip syncing his six-year-old daughter’s temper tantrum outside her bedroom door. I bet they show this video at her graduation party or wedding!
Nov 12 2013
Released in 2013 This Is The Endis an apocalyptic comedy written and directed by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg in their directorial debut. The movie stars comedic actors and friends Seth Rogan, Jay Baruchel, James Franco, Craig Robinson, Jonah Hill & Danny McBride as fictional versions of themselves who are at a party in Franco’s LA home when the apocalypse occurs. Also appearing in the movie are Emma Watson with camoes by Rhianna, Michael Cera, David Krumholz, Jason Segal, Channing Tatum, Paul Rudd, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Aziz Anzari and the Backstreet Boys. Ok that last part made me want to vomit but the rest is good so let’s get on with the movie.
Jay Baruchel arrives in Los Angeles and is met at the airport by his friend Seth Rogen and they hang out at the latter’s house smoking pot, eating and just watching tv. Seth then makes Jay got to James Franco’s house warming party but Jay is uncomfortable as there are a lot of people that he doesn’t know well. As the party goes enjoy themselves, Seth joins Jay when he goes to a convenience store nearby. Suddenly they feel the ground rumble and blue beams of light appear from the sky and carry away some of the store customers. Amid explosions, car & other vehicle crashes they rush back to Franco’s house and warn the others. Everyone rushes outside because of a powerful earthquake and see the Hollywood Hills on fire. A huge crack appears in the ground which leads to a firey pit of lava and most of the celebrities fall in and died (Michael Cera has a hilarious death when a sharp broken pole impales him) and only Seth, Jay, James, Craig & Johan survive and they board themselves up in Franco’s house and ration the food, drugs & drinks. Unknown to the others Danny McBride has sneaked in and was passed out in a bathroom and he wakes up the next morning unaware of the crisis and makes a large breakfast. Initially he doesn’t believe their story but a survivor trying to get in is decapticated and his head rolls in the house, convincing Danny.
There are conflicts within the 6 of them as have little food but to pass the time doing drugs and filming a homemade sequel to Pineapple Express’. Emma Watson, who was at the party, returns back thinking it was a zombie invasion but due to a misunderstanding, she believes the group is planning to rape her and leaves, taking their drinks. Craig is selected to go out to find more water but gets scared and returns soon, so the group dig a hole to the basement and collect big bottles of stored water. Craig’s experience causes him to believe Jay’s theory of the Apocalypse and that the blue beams are part of the Rapture, taken good people to Heaven. Danny causes friction by wasting some of the water and after a brief fight, he leaves but not before revealing that Jay was in town two months before at a Four Seasons concert, and was asked not to tell Seth, due to their strained friendship. As Seth becomes upset Johan, who till now idolized Jay, is punched by Jay when he tries to tell him that what he did was wrong. At night Jonah prays for Jay to die and a demon comes in and rapes him causing him to become possessed. Craig volunteers to explore a neighboring home for supplies with Jay. Now demonically possessed and supernaturally strong, Jonah chases James and Seth while Craig and Jay flee a demonic bull. The group subdues Jonah, but during an Exorcism attempt, a fight breaks out between Seth and Jay due to their differences which cause’s a fire to destroy the house and Jonah’s body, forcing them outdoors. Outside a huge winged demon stalks them and Craig, regretting some of the mistakes he made in his life, sacrificed himself to save the other 3.
The plan succeeds but, unexpectedly, Craig is taken to heaven by the Rapture because of his good deed, giving hope to the group. James, Seth & Jay take a car and head to the city and are attacked by cannibals led by Danny with Channing Tatum as his sex slave, capture them, James volunteers to sacrifice himself. Once again his sacrifice sees him selected for rapture and a blue beam of light starts lifting him – but James is reject in mid air as he taunts Danny and he falls to the ground and is eaten alive by the cannibals. Jay & Seth run away but find themselves in front of Satan – a huge demon with horns. Faced with sure death the two reconcile and Jay is pulled to heaven without Seth, so Jay grabs Seth and pulls him along. As dragging Seth along is preventing Jay from entering heaven, Seth sacrifices himself to save his friend, and is also taken by the Rapture. Craig welcomes Jay and Seth and explains that Heaven is where anything comes true. Jay wishes for the Backstreet Boys, and the film ends with the band performing “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” for a heavenly party.
Hilariously funny and a bromance movie with a lot of dirty humour and silly stuff, this is a great fun movie to enjoy. For me personally though, I can’t stand either Craig Robinson or Danny McBride and that did make me lose some of the enjoyment. Oh and the Bacteria Boys – what the fuck! Still a fun must see movie and I can easily give it 8 outta 10!
Nov 8 2013
This was a reader’s ‘Letter to the Editor’ on Tolerance, published in the UK daily “SUN”. Unsure of it’s authenticity and writer but here goes:
“I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames? I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, “The Turban Cowboy”, and the other a topless bar called “You Mecca Me Hot.”
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called “Iraq o’ Ribs.” Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret “, with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, “Koranal Knowledge “, its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called “Morehammered.”
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, please publish my letter.”
Nov 6 2013
Released last year Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World is a 2012 comedy drama movie about the last few days of life on planet earth. Written and directed by Lorene Scafaria, in her directorial debut, the film stars Steve Carell and Keira Knightley.
The movie opens up with the radio announcement that the 70 mile asteroid, called Matilda, is on a collision course with Earth and that the space shuttle Deliverance has failed on a mission to destroy it. There are 3 weeks left before impact, which will bring the end of all life on earth. Dodge and his wife Linda are sitting in their car on the road when they hear the announcement and when Dodge has a disinterested response to this news, Linda looks at him and flees the vehicle without saying a word to him. Dodge goes about his own life as the days pass, returning to the insurance company where he works and trying to continue his routine. While his friends seem to be living it up with constant drinking, partying and drugs, his life has not changed. Even his housekeeper, Elsa, continues to show up and clean his apartment despite Dodge’s insistence that there is no further need to do so. It takes a co-worker jumping to his death and falling on top of Dodge’s car to make him stop going to work.
He attends a party at his friend Warren’s house where Dodge seems distant from the wild partying going on, usage of cocaine (and funny scenes of the parents making the kids drink) and even rejects Warren’s wife Diane’s attempts to set him up with a common friend Karen as well as Diane’s sexual pass at him. Dodge returns home to reminisce about his highschool sweetheart Olivia, when he notices his neighbour Penny crying on the fire escape as she missed the last commercial flight and has no chance of seeing her family back in England. She has also just broken up with her casual boyfriend. Returning to her apartment, Penny gives Dodge three years’ worth of his mail that was incorrectly delivered to her, but which she kept forgetting to hand over, and in the process unknowingly tells him that his wife was having an affair. Upset he goes off into the night drinking codeine-laced cough syrup and window cleaner in an attempt to kill himself. But he wakes up in the morning with a dog on a leash tied next to him with a note saying just “Sorry”. Dodge takes the dog, who he names, Sorry, home with him and opens his mail finding a letter from Olivia, dated 3 months ago, in which she explains why she left him and what has happened in her life, concluding with the admission that he was “the love of her life”. That night a riot breaks out in the area and Dodge helps Penny and Owen get out of the building. After Owen uses Penny as a human shield when they hear gunfire, they dump him in the streets and head out in Penny’s car, with Sorry.
Dodge tells her that he knows someone who has a plane and could fly her to England if she promises to help him find Olivia first. She agrees and the two set off for Dodge’s hometown in Delaware. After running out of gas they hitch a ride with a truck driver (William Petersen) who is a cancer patient and had hired an assassin to kill him, before the asteroid about to hit earth was discovered. The driver mistook Dodge to be the assassin but when they stop at a field, he is gunned down by the hit man, who high-tails it down the road in a getaway car. After burying the driver, Dodge & Penny take the truck and continue on their way. They stop at a popular restaurant where there is a wild party with lots of food, drinks and an orgy going on and although the two leave, swept up in the moment they have sex in the truck. They are flagged for speeding by a thoughtless police officer who throws them in jail and impounds their car, although a kindly older cop sets them free and says he will drive them as far as Camden, New Jersey. They then head to Penny’s ex called Speck who, after letting her use his sat phone to contact her parents and she has an emotional talk with her family. They then borrow one of Speck’s Smart cars and drive to Olivia’s old family house. They find it empty so they break in and have a nice meal while listening to Penny’s records. The next day they go to Olivia’s new home but Dodge only leaves a note for her and does not go in to see his old girlfriend.
They join a group of people enjoying an afternoon at the beach and become closer before Dodge says that he plans to help her get back to England and they drive to Somerset, where they pay a visit to Dodge’s estranged father Frank (Martin Sheen). After father & son reconcile (Frank has left his family 25 years ago) the 3 of them sit down to a nice dinner and personal time. After Penny falls asleep, Dodge carries her outside and it becomes apparent that the pilot he mentioned earlier is none other than his father, who is waiting for them in his airplane. Dodge gently places her in the passenger seat of the small plane, whispering to her that she is the love of his life, then nods to his father and watches as the plane flies away. Dodge then head back to his apartment finding a note from Karen and also is shocked to see his maid there. He scolds her and asks her to go be with her family but in the end when she seems greatly disappointed, he tells her that he will see her next Thursday, as usual. Turning on the tv news he learns that Matilda is due to arrive one week earlier than expected as the news anchors winds down the final broadcast. There is now only 16 hours left for impact. Taking Sorry with him he goes to Penny’s apartment and spends the next few hours listening to her records until the power goes out. As he lights candles he finds Penny has come back; she woke up in the plane and made Frank bring her back. She asks how he could have possibly left her. He admits that it was the stupidest thing he’d ever done, and the two share one final, tearful reunion.
Saying that her parents have each other and her brothers and their families, Penny lies down on the bed with Dodge and the dog and they talk. As the distant boom of Matilda collision with Earth. Penny panics, telling him that she thought they could have saved each other, but Dodge assures her they did. The final moments the two of them smile as in the distance a bright white appears behind Penny in the background, which rapidly grows brighter and brighter until it starts to envelop them, at which point it becomes a white fade as the film ends.
I liked the movie a lot even if it flopped at the boxoffice, making slightly less than it’s $10 mil budget. It’s a nice, sweet movie with moments of humour and sweetness. 8 outta 10 for me!
Oct 30 2013
I can’t believe no one has made a parody song about William Shatner to the the tune of Maroon 5′s “Moves like Jagger“. The song is just begging to be made. Well someone has got to do it, so here goes:
I’ll show you the stars
at the speed of light
You can sit in my chair
If you feel like
I beam away your pain and make it OK
I swear I’ll behave
If you need a good cop, just like TJ
Or a legal hot shot like Denny Crane
I’ll be the Big Giant Head
My son won’t believe the shit I said
A Karamazov Brother
Unlike any other,
Just don’t tell your mother
And it goes like this[Chorus:] Set my phaser on stun, And I’ll own you
All the moves like Shatner
I’ve got the moves like Shatner
I’ve got the mooooooo moves like Shatner
I’ll sell you a ticket on Priceline
I’ll over dramatize my next line
With them moves like Shatner
I’ve got the moves like Shatner
I’ve got the moooooo moves like Shatner
But gosh the price is right!
Oct 25 2013
The Croods is a 2013 animated movie from produced by DreamWorks Animation and distributed by 20th Century Fox. Featuring the voices of Nicholas Cage, Ryan Reynolds, Emma Stone, Catherine Keener, Clark Duke, and Cloris Leachman, it is a fun filled adventure & comedy movie based on a prehistoric family and some animals who are on the move, a trek through a dangerous jungle to find a new home. It’s also about family, a father’s love for his family and bonding. The film is set in a fictional prehistoric Pliocene era known as The Croodaceous (hence the Croods).
Epe is an adventurous girl living with her cavemen family but dad Grug doesn’t allow much freedom for her to explore. Their family – rounded wife Ugga, baby daughter Sandy, dumb son Thunk and Ugga’s mother Gran – is one of the few to survive, mainly due to the strict rules of her overprotective father. They spend most of their time huddled in a cave when not hunting for food, which is scarce. To enforce the over-cautiouness Grug tells tales with a character who mirrors Eep’s curious nature and who dies after exploring something new. However one night Epe ignores her father’s advice and leaves the cave when she sees a light moving outside. That s when she meets Guy, a clever and inventive caveboy who tells her that the world is about to end and asks her to come with him. Oh and Guy has a pet sloth named Belt. She doesn’t but before he goes he gives her a noise-making shell to call him if she needs help. Guy is caught by Grug who also ground Epe and brings her back to the family. An earthquake occurs and destroys the cave and the family goes over the wreckage to see a lush new world, much different from their barren desert like land and they make their way through it to find a new cave.
When they are attacked by a swarm of “Piranhakeets” Eep sounds a horn similar to that which Guy gave her. Guy hears this and rushes to her. Thinking quickly, he creates a torch of fire, which scares the birds away. The other Croods are captivated by the fire, having never seen it before. They steal Guy’s torch and accidentally set the land around them in flames. After feeling impressed by Guy’s intelligence and ‘ideas’, Grug bottles him in a hollow log to carry him in, then suggests that they take solitude in the cave of a nearby mountain mentioned by Guy. Guy is forcibly persuaded to lead the way and learns of the Croods’ way of living, which he thinks of as unusual. Grug feels challenged when Guy ides to lure some animals is successful and the family is able to eat a hearty meal and later when Guy’s story about a paradise he calls “tomorrow” seems to enthrall the rest of them. The next day Guy uses his intelligence to make up “shoes” so that they can walk over a path coated in spiked rocks. This gains him some respect from the others except for Grug, who feels jealous of Guy’s cleverness. Inspired by Guy, Ugga & Gran use flowers as camouflage to get them & Sandy through carnivorous plants. Thunk makes a pet as he befriends a crocodile-like dog he calls Douglas, and Eep and Guy grow closer while Grug is stranded in a ravine forcing Ugga to go back for him. Trying to show up Guy, Grug comes up with ridiculous ideas which all fail. They soon reach the mountain where Grug is unable to convince the family that settling in a nearby cave is a better option. Angry, he attacks Guy. The two become stuck in tar and Guy reveals his family died drowning in it and their last words inspired his traditions of “Tomorrow.” Grug has a change of heart towards Guy and he and Guy trick Chunky into freeing them by pretending to be a female “Macawnivore” in trouble.
Later an earthquake opens a deep ravine in their path just as they are about to reach what seems to be their destination. As smoke fills the horizon, Grug comes to the conclusion that he can use his strength to get the others across. Grug throws each of them across the gap and reconciles with Eep while creating the first hug with her. Grug then throws her across the ravine and is left behind. As the edges crumbles down Grug takes shelter in a cave but is cornered by the Macawnivore who attacks him until Grug’s torch is accidentally blown out, panicking them both. As they get the fire going again, Chunky the Macawnivore lies near Grug for comfort, who then has his first good idea. Using a large skeleton rib and a bigger torch, Grug manages to lure the Piranhakeets into transporting himself, Chunky, Douglas, and several other animals across the ravine, barely escaping the oncoming “end” destruction. They then reach their destination, a paradise like land with a huge beach and plenty of greenery and blue waters. The now extended family of cavemen and animal friends settles down for more adventurous lives and happiness.
Fun and exciting throughout perfect for a guy suffering a bad cold this afternoon and watching it from his bed. 8.5 outta 10! It’s for the whole family to enjoy. A sequel has already been announced and even a tv show as a spinoff.
Sep 29 2013
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8 ) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13) Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Sep 19 2013
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night …..whether you’re here or not.”
(DAMN SHE’S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
“Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever ”
“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
“Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last”
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She says, “I was in bed.”
“In bed this early, doing what?”
“Getting a second opinion!”
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of Six?’
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Marriage (Part V) – The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.