Aug 1 2012
As another year passes me by and I grow another year older, I always stop and have a look back at all the stuff that has happened to me. All the things I have done. All the things I haven’t done till now and still want to do. All the things I should have done. All my regrets. All the things I wish I was.
I will be 36 years old in an hour (as I type this). I never ever dreamed that I would be where I am at 36. Struggled, reached rock bottom and shit. I didn’t know that I would still be living here. I didn’t know that I would be living a lonely life. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t have most of the things (not just material things) that I crave for and need at this age. Like a place of my own. Financially stable. A life of my own. A partner who would make things worthwhile for me and vice versa. Things have never just worked out for me. I have made mistakes, granted, and I will still make a few more before my time is done. But when I look at people who have lied, cheated and/or ass-kissed their way to where they are – a better place than me – I feel down & dejected. Is this it? Am I never gonna have a better way of living? Am I the failure that I see when I look in the mirror?
Looking back on my life I can safely say that unless someone has had it out for me and messed with me (or others), I have never wished ill will on anyone. Never tried to intentionally hurt someone unless they hurt me or tried to hurt me first. I’ve offered my help, more than most other people do and all I have ever asked for in return is a smile, a thanks and maybe friendship. I have never asked for much back. I have always been there with an open heart and a friendly smile. It doesn’t end up good for guys like me. I dunno know if everyone would label me as a good guy – I do. I honestly think I am a good person. But I am an example of the fact that good guys finish last. We are the ones at the end of the show, slowly making our way back to our humble abode. The guy who ends up wishing & longing. The one who gets very little credit. The old dog who ends up without a bone. I dunno I just feel like this!
Like the lyrics to a Bon Jovi – I wish that I could be in some other time & place, with someone else’s soul and someone else’s face cause I’m feeling like a Monday but someday I’ll be Saturday Night! I hope my Saturday night does come someday soon.