Two Blonde Jokes

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I`ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a note saying, “Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.” The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and aims it at her head.

The boyfriend yells “No, honey, don’t do it.”

The blond replies “Shut up. You’re next, you bastard.”

Detective Pikachu

Detective Pikachu (also known as Pokémon Detective Pikachu) is a 2019 urban fantasy mystery film directed by Rob Letterman. Based on the Pokémon franchise created by Satoshi Tajiri and serving as a loose adaptation of the 2016 video game Detective Pikachu, it was written by Letterman, Dan Hernandez, Benji Samit and Derek Connolly, from a story by Hernandez, Samit and Nicole Perlman. The film was produced by Legendary Pictures in association with Toho. It is the first live-action Pokémon film. Ryan Reynolds stars as the voice and facial motion capture of Pikachu, with Justice Smith, Kathryn Newton, Suki Waterhouse, Omar Chaparro, Chris Geere, Ken Watanabe and Bill Nighy in live-action roles.

In the Pokémon universe, Tim Goodman is a 21-year-old insurance salesman who has given up Pokémon training due to the death of his mother and the absence of his father, Harry. He travels to Ryme City – a metropolis where humans and Pokémon live together as equals – to collect Harry’s assets following his apparent death in a car crash. He runs into Lucy Stevens, a fluff columnist and aspiring reporter suspicious of Harry’s death and trying to do her own investigation and impress her boss. In Harry’s apartment, Tim encounters Pikachu that can speak and only he can somehow understand; the pair then escape from an attack by a party of Aipom under the influence of an “R”-labeled purple gas that Tim accidentally released upon inspection. They take shelter at a café where Pikachu reveals that he is an amnesiac detective who was Harry’s police partner, and that they were investigating a case together when Harry disappeared.

Lucy leads the duo to Ryme Wharf and, after interrogating a Mr. Mime there, are directed to an illegal Pokemon fighting arena owned by Sebastian. He demands a rematch with Pikachu, who previously defeated Sebastian’s Charizard. However, after Sebastian gives Charizard a dose of the R gas, Tim attempts to save Pikachu during the rematch. Sebastian then mishandles the R gas and accidentally releases it into the stadium, causing havoc. Sebastian tells Tim that he got the R gas from “the doctor”. After confronting police lieutenant Hideo Yoshida about Harry’s apparent death and the possibility of his survival, Tim and Pikachu are brought before Ryme City’s benefactor Howard Clifford by his bodyguard Ms. Norman, who reveals to Tim that Harry indeed survived his car crash, which was caused by an attack from a recently escaped Mewtwo, which took him away and left Pikachu with amnesia. Howard warns them of his son, Roger, who he claims is in de facto control of his company and the city.  Tim and Pikachu recruit Lucy and her Psyduck on an expedition to the lab facility Harry was investigating, where they learn the doctor was a researcher aided by Harry, who had been experimenting on Mewtwo, recaptured after escaping 20 years earlier.

They are soon attacked by several Greninja who chase them out of the building, but are fended off by Psyduck. They then escape a field of colossal Torterra, but Pikachu is gravely injured. Tim manages to communicate with a Bulbasaur and takes Pikachu to a clearing in the forest where they are greeted by Mewtwo, who heals Pikachu and restores some of his memories, which show that he was the one who released Mewtwo from the lab. Mewtwo attempts to reveal its intent, but is captured by Roger. Thinking that he betrayed Harry to a vengeful Mewtwo, Pikachu leaves Tim while the others return to Ryme City to warn Howard. Pikachu comes across the area where Harry’s car crash occurred, and finds evidence that the Greninja attacked Harry, not Mewtwo. Tim reached Howard who  intends to transfer his consciousnesses into Mewtwo and use his powers to fuse Pokémon with their owners, with the assistance of the R gas. He also learns that “Roger” and Ms. Norman are both actually been a same shape-shifting Ditto, with the real Roger having been tied up and hidden.

As Howard in Mewtwo’s body starts fusing humans with Pokémon, Pikachu arrives and finally summons his electricity powers to battle Mewtwo, fending off Mewtwo long enough for Tim to free Mewtwo from Howard’s control. Mewtwo restores everyone to normal while Howard is arrested by the police, and it reveals that Mewtwo had kept Harry’s body and that he had in fact fused Harry’s consciousness with Pikachu’s in order to heal him; despite the fact they fuse their consciousnesses, just like Pikachu’s memory, the fusion even erased Harry’s just like while being within Pikachu. After Mewtwo unfuses them with the assistance of Tim, a fully revived Harry offers Tim the chance to return home, but Tim decides to stay in order to learn how to become a detective and spend time with him and Pikachu.

It’s funny but the major draw for this movie comes from the performance of Pikachu with Ryan Reynolds voice. It is funny to visualize Pikachu voiced by Deadpool. The human characters pale in comparison and the plot isn’t very original. But otherwise it is enjoyable and I’d give it an 8 outta 10!

Roshan Le Pew

Which cartoon character best represents your personality?

The guy on the left. I understand that he isn’t as popular as some of the other cartoon characters but this is the guy I always think about when some of my actions come to mind.

Pepé Le Pew is a character from the Warner Bros. Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies series of cartoons, first introduced in 1945. Depicted as a French striped skunk, Pepé is constantly in search of love and appreciation. However, his offensive skunk odor and his aggressive pursuit of romance typically cause other characters to run from him. In Le Pew’s case it is his stench while in my case it’s my weight.

Pepé Le Pew storylines typically involve Pepé in pursuit of a female black cat, whom Pepé mistakes for a skunk (la belle femme skunk fatale). The cat, who was retroactively named Penelope Pussycat, often has a white stripe painted down her back, usually by accident (such as by squeezing under a fence with wet white paint). Penelope frantically races to get away from him because of his putrid odour, his overly aggressive manner or both, while Pepé hops after her at a leisurely pace.

Pepé describes Penelope as lucky to be the object of his affections and uses a romantic paradigm to explain his failures to seduce her. For example, he describes a hammer blow to his head as a form of flirtation rather than rejection. Accordingly, he shows no sign of narcissistic injury or loss of confidence, no matter how many times he is rebuffed.

Prompt from 31 Days Of Writing Prompts For August at the SitsGirls

3 More Atheist Jokes

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

Just one guy stepped forward and said, “Aye, captain,I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”

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An atheist commits suicide and is surprised to find himself in heaven.

“Wow,” he says to God, “you know I didn’t expect to be here. I’m an atheist and on top of that I thought you’re not supposed to go to heaven if you kill yourself.”

“No, it’s okay,” says God. “I’ve thought about suicide myself.”

“Really?” asks the man. “Why?”

“Well,” God says, “What if this is all there is?”

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God said, “Thou shall not kill.”

And then he wiped out the entire human race with a global flood just because people didn’t take it seriously.

3 Atheists Jokes

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

Q: What do you get if you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.

There’s just one girl who doesn’t raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

The girl says, “Because I’m not a Christian.”
The teacher asks, “So what are you then? ”
The girl replies, “I’m an atheist.”
The teacher’s a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.

She asks the girl why she’s an atheist.
The girl says, “It’s just that my family isn’t religious. My Mom’s atheist, and my Dad’s atheist, so I’m atheist.” The teacher is now angry.
“That’s no reason.” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
“Then,” says the girl, “I’d be a born-again Christian.”

Some Atheist Jokes

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They’re already enlightened.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road?
A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

Q: What do you call an intelligent American?
A: Atheist Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

Redneck Jokes….Yee Haw!

Q: What is 35 feet long and has 42 teeth?
A: A bus full of rednecks.

Redneck at the doctor: “Doc, I think I’m in trouble, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago and it ain’t come out yet.”

How do you tell a redneck is married? There are tobacco spits on either side of his pickup truck.

When two rednecks divorce, do they still remain family?

Q: How can you break a redneck’s nose without getting into a fight?
A: Put a 50 dollar bill under a glass table.

One redneck girl to another: I think Billy Bob might be cheatin’ on me. I ain’t even sure the kids’re his.

Have Mercy!

Having bitten the bullet and now continuing with Netflix, despite earlier not wanting tp pay Rs.500 every month for subscribing to them, I am kinda watching Netflix every day now. It’s so easy to get into it.

I always pick a sitcom to watch after I get back from work on the regular days when I work either a 6:30 to 3:30 am or a 7:30 to 4:30 am. I find it a great way to unwind and relax and finally go to sleep with a smile on my face. So it was Frasier, Corner Gas, Friends and Seinfeld that I would turn too. This past few days it has been Full House.

Full House is an American television sitcom created by Jeff Franklin for ABC. The show chronicles the events of widowed father Danny Tanner who enlists his brother-in-law Jesse Katsopolis and best friend Joey Gladstone to help raise his three daughters, oldest D.J., middle child Stephanie and youngest Michelle in his San Francisco home. It aired from September 22, 1987 to May 23, 1995, broadcasting eight seasons and 192 episodes. I used to watch this on reruns back in the early to mid 90s but only once in it’s tv run. I hadn’t seen anything from Full House since 2006. And yet I find myself oddly giddy with glee when the time comes for me to play a couple of episode from this fun show. It’s cheesy and corny and probably meant for kids (not really) but it’s innocent fun with a lot of “aww” moments, especially with Stephanie & Michelle, and it’s a big nostalgic ride.

10 Dirty Jokes

1. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

2. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For loans on mobile homes fingering a minor.

3. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

4. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

5. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

6. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

7. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

8. What’s the loans in difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

9. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

10. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as bad credit unsecured loans instant decision you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

Ranking The Teenage Ninja Turtle Movies

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are among my fav childhood cartoons and movies. I first got introduced with the turtles through the first film, which came out in 1990 and I watched it later in the year. The first two movies became part of my frequent movies to watch over the years and I still enjoy them a lot. Here is how I rank the six films that have come out. I understand that there is another one but I haven’t yet watched it.

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
  • TMNT
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II : Secret Of The Ooze
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Theological Debate

During the Reformation, the Pope was urged to banish nonbelievers from Rome, which would have involved removing Rome’s venerable Jewish community. The Pope resisted. “They’ve lived here for centuries,” he argued. “We can’t just kick them out.” But his advisers insisted that the Holy City must be rendered theologically pure.

“Well, let’s at least give them an opportunity to demonstrate their knowledge of Christian theology,” the Pope replied.

So an emissary was dispatched to the Jewish quarter to invite the wisest Jewish elder to discuss Christian theology with the Pope, on the pain of expulsion. The news threw the Jewish leaders into panic, since none of them knew anything about Christian theology. So they assumed they had no choice but to pack up and leave.

Their meeting was about to break up when a voice spoke up from the back of the room. “What’s the big deal?” said Moishe the tailor. “I’ll talk to the Pope.” The elders were startled, because Moishe knew nothing about Christian orJewish theology. But assuming they had nothing to lose, they sent Moishe off to the Vatican.

Since Moishe spoke no Latin and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, their entire interview was conducted in sign language.

First, the Pope waved his arm back and forth over his head. Moishe responded by pointing to a spot on the floor at his feet.

Next, the Pope raised one finger of his right hand. Moishe replied by raising two fingers of his right hand.

Finally, the Pope reached beneath his priestly vestments and produced an orange. Moishe reached beneath his robe and produced a mazzah.

With that, the interview concluded. The Pope’s advisers rushed in to learn his verdict.

“These people must stay,” commercial real estate loans interest rates the Pope declared. “They’re totally conversant with Christian theology. First, I waved my arm to indicate that Christianity embraces the entire world; he pointed to the floor, in effect replying, ‘Yes, but its center is here in Rome.’

“Next, I held up one finger to indicate that we believe in one God; he raised two fingers, saying, ‘Yes, but you also believe in the Son and the Holy Ghost.’

“Finally, I produced an orange to indicate that the world is round; he produced a mazzah to suggest that it appears flat.”

Meanwhile, back in the Jewish quarter, everyone was preparing to leave when Moishe returned. “You can unpack your bags,” he announced. “I told the Pope a thing or two.”

Asked to explain, Moishe replied: “First, the Pope waved his arm to say, ‘The Jews will get out!’ I pointed to the floor, saying, ‘Oh no, you don’t — we’re staying right here!’

“Next, he pointed his finger at me, saying, ‘I’ll poke your eye out!’ I pointed two fingers at him, saying, ‘I’ll poke out both of your eyes!’

“And then we ate lilly cialis lunch.”

Unwelcomed

Three couples–an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple–wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replies, “No problem at all, Pastor.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied.

“What Happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn’t help myself and we had sex right there on the floor.”

The pastor said, “Well, then you’re not welcome in the Baptist church.”

“That’s OK,” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

Sleepy Hollow

Sleepy Hollow is a 1999 American horror film directed by Tim Burton. It is a film adaptation loosely based on Washington Irving’s 1820 short story “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”, and stars Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci, with Miranda Richardson, Michael Gambon, Casper Van Dien, and Jeffrey Jones in supporting roles. The plot follows police constable Ichabod Crane (Depp) sent from New York City to investigate a series of murders in the village of Sleepy Hollow by a mysterious Headless Horseman. Today was the first time I actually sat and watched the film.

In 1799, New York City police constable Ichabod Crane is dispatched to the upstate Dutch hamlet of Sleepy Hollow, which has been plagued by a series of brutal decapitations: a wealthy father and son, and a widow. Received by the insular town elders—wealthy businessman Baltus Van Tassel; town doctor Thomas Lancaster; the Reverend Steenwyck; notary James Hardenbrook; and magistrate Samuel Philipse—Ichabod learns that locals believe the killer is the undead apparition of a headless Hessian mercenary from the American Revolutionary War who rides a black steed in search of his missing head. Ichabod begins his investigation, skeptical of the paranormal story. Boarding at the home of Baltus Van Tassel and his second wife, Lady Van Tassel, he is taken with Baltus’ spiritual daughter, Katrina.

His investigations, although he himself is scared of the killer, will reveal that the “master” (the one who dug up the severed head of the horseman was Lady Van Tassel, from an impoverished family evicted years ago by Van Garrett when he favored Baltus and Katrina instead. She swore revenge against Van Garrett and all who had wronged her, pledging herself to Satan if he would raise the Horseman to avenge her, and also to claim the estate uncontested. Manipulating her way into the Van Tassel household, she used fear, blackmail, and lust to draw the other elders into her plot. She also killed her twin sister and her final victim is intended to be Katarina. After an escape that destroys the windmill and the subsequent chase to the Tree of the Dead, Ichabod throws the Horseman’s skull to him. Freed, and with his head restored, the Horseman spares Katrina and attacks Lady Van Tassel, giving her a bloody kiss and returning to Hell with her in tow, fulfilling the deal. His faith restored, Ichabod returns to New York with Katrina and Young Masbath, just in time for the new century.

This is a film that I always tried to watch back in the years that they showed it a lot on cable tv and when I used to watch cable tv and would also miss the beginning and hence stopped watching after a few minutes. Now I have finally see it in it’s entirety. It’s a good enough film with a good cast and cinematography is great. Nice score as well. I would give it a 7.5 outta 10!