Here is my confused Once Upon A Time In Hollywood review
jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified
me: good friday. we call it “good friday”
jesus: what the fuck
Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that’s what all the rest of us are doing too
COP: jesus how much hav u had to drink
JESUS: (leans out window) (whispers) my blood is wine
COP: ok step outa the car pal
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: “Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?”
Me: “Oh, it’s you. Sorry, Jesus.”
Jesus: “I forgive you.”
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
- What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? loans in One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
- What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file!
- How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
- An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
- Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
- What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
- What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
- What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
- What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
- How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
- What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
Here is my confusing review of the 2019 movie Happy Death Day 2 U
Here is my review of Happy Death Day, a 2017 slasher/black comedy film
Happy Death Day is a 2017 American black comedy slasher film directed by Christopher Landon, and written by Scott Lobdell. It stars Jessica Rothe, Israel Broussard, Ruby Modine, Rachel Matthews and Charles Aitken. The film was produced by Jason Blum through his Blumhouse Productions banner. The film is also in association with Digital Riot Media and Vesuvius Productions. It follows a college student who is murdered on her birthday and begins reliving the day repeatedly, at which point she sets out to find the killer and stop her death.
After a night of drunken partying, university student Theresa “Tree” Gelbman wakes up on her birthday to the changed tune of “happy birthday” in the dorm room of classmate Carter Davis. he ignores a phone call from her father and dismisses Carter, returning to her room. Her sorority housemate Lori Spengler gives her a cupcake, which she throws away. Tree meets with her married professor, Gregory Butler, with whom she is having an affair. That night, on her way to a party, Tree is lured into a tunnel and murdered by a figure wearing a mask of the school mascot. Tree immediately wakes up back in Carter’s bed, and is unnerved to find the previous day’s events repeating themselves. Baffled, she relives the day, this time avoiding the tunnel and reaching the party. However, the masked killer follows her and murders her again. Tree again wakes up in Carter’s bed, realizes she is in a time loop, and barricades herself in her room to avoid death. The killer, already hiding inside, murders her a third time.
Waking up, Tree explains the events to Carter. He suggests taking advantage of the loop to identify her killer. She spends the next several iterations trailing people she considers suspects but she turns out to be wrong each time and is killed. After waking from a loop where she is bludgeoned, Tree faints and awakens in the campus hospital. Her body shows evidence of recovery from multiple traumatic injuries, indicating she has retained physical damage from her previous deaths. When the killer shows up, Tree escapes the hospital in Gregory’s car, only to be pursued and killed again, along with a cop who arrests her for speeding. She wakes up back Back in Carter’s bed, Tree convinces him of her predicament by demonstrating her knowledge of the day’s events. Tree admits to harboring tremendous self-loathing, particularly from pushing away her father after the death of her mother three years ago. Tree sees a local news report on John Tombs, a serial killer being held at the campus hospital.
Concluding that Tombs is her killer, Tree rushes to the hospital to warn of his escape. Tombs breaks free and nearly kills Tree, but Carter follows and rescues her. Tombs kills Carter before ch commercial real estate loans interest rates asing Tree to a nearby bell tower, where she subdues him with a crowbar. Realizing that Carter will remain dead if she ends the loop, Tree hangs herself. Believing she has solved her murder, Tree proceeds happily through the day. She ends her affair with Dr. Butler and meets her father for lunch, where the two begin to reconcile. That night, she goes to the hospital and traps and kills Tombs. Relieved to finally be free, she celebrates her birthday in Carter’s room and eats the cupcake given to her by Lori. Tree wakes up still in the loop. Angry and confused, she returns to her room, where Lori offers her the cupcake again. Tree realizes the previous loop was the only time she had ever eaten the cupcake, and she had died in her sleep. Tree realizes Lori is her true killer. Lori had poisoned the cupcake, but when Tree failed to eat it, Lori utilized her job as a nurse at the hospital to frame Tombs for Tree’s murder.
Tree threatens to take the cupcake to the police, but Lori attacks her. Lori admits to also having an affair with Dr. Butler, whose preference for Tree drove Lori mad with jealousy. In the ensuing fight, Tree stuffs the poisoned cupcake in Lori’s mouth, then kicks her out a second-story window to her death. At a restaurant, Tree and Carter muse over the day’s events and he offers her his room for the night. The next day, Tree wakes up believing she is still in the time loop, but Carter quickly reveals he was just playing a prank on her, and it is really the next day at last. Tree is too relieved to be angry at him, and the two kiss.
It was way better than I expected. I didn’t know much about the movie before watching it and I was pleasantly surprised. It was funny and the lead actress is a hoot. She made me laugh. The beginning dialogues are all cliched and a bit boring but as the movie moves along it’s worth it. I will give it a 7.5 outta 10!
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu. First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
1. A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
- Hot dog – $2
- Cheeseburger – $5
- Hand job – $10
He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
2. Dougall O’Reilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: “I got one fer ya!” he says, “I got one!” The crowd quiets. “Here’s to spendin’ the rest o’ me life, lyin’ between the legs ‘o me wife!” It’s an easy audience, everyone’s half cut, and wouldn’t you know? He wins the prize for best toast of the night!
Another hour later, Dougall wobbles home and in the back door. He snaps a £20 note and presents it to his wife: “Mary, guess who won the prize fer the best toast o’ the night?”
“Oh, isn’t that lovely?” says Mary, “And what was this wonderful toast you made?”
“I said Here’s to spendin’ the rest of me life, lyi– er, uh, settin’ in church beside me wife.”
“That’s… nice, Dougall.” she says, looking puzzled.
Next day, she’s on High Street to get something nice for dinner with the wee bounty, when she runs smack into one of Dougall’s drinking buddies. “Hey, Mary,” he says, leering, “Didja know Dougall won a prize with a toast about yer last night?”
“I know!” she says, “though I was a bit surprised meself. I mean, he’s only been there twice in four years, and the last time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”
Here is my review of the 2019 live action remake of the 1992 Disney animated classic Aladdin.
Aladdin is a 2019 American musical fantasy film produced by Walt Disney Pictures. Directed by Guy Ritchie, who co-wrote the screenplay with John August, it is a live-action adaptation of Disney’s 1992 animated film of the same name, which itself is based on the eponymous tale from One Thousand and One Nights. The film stars Will Smith, Mena Massoud, Naomi Scott, Marwan Kenzari, Navid Negahban, Nasim Pedrad, Billy Magnussen, and Numan Acar, as well as the voices of Alan Tudyk and Frank Welker.
The story is ofcourse the same as the one we have seen in the 1992 classic animated film from Disney. Aladdin, the young street urchin with a heart of gold meets and falls in love with Princess Jasmine, who is in disguise in the poor markets of Agrabah. Meanwhile, the grand vizier, Jafar, schemes to overthrow Jasmine’s father as the Sultan. He, along with his pet parrot sidekick Iago, seeks a magic lamp hidden in the Cave of Wonders that will grant him three wishes. He has been unable to retrieve the lamp himself because only “the diamond in the rough“ is allowed to enter the cave; anyone else will be devoured and killed by the cave itself.
Jafar finds out that Aladdin is the one and has his soldiers take the young man to the cave. In return for retrieving the lamp for Jafar he promises to make Aladdin rich enough to impress Jasmine. Jafar warns Aladdin not to take anything but the lamp, even though he will be very tempted to. Inside the cave, Aladdin finds a magic carpet and obtains the lamp. Abu accidentally causes the cave to collapse after he picks up a ruby, as the cave thinks he is stealing. He gives it to Jafar as he hangs perilously from the exit of the cave in exchange for his help up. Jafar double crosses him however, and throws him and Abu back into the cave, though Abu steals the lamp back. The magic carpet also catches Aladdin and saves him from falling to his death. Trapped in the cave, Aladdin rubs the lamp, unwittingly summoning an omnipotent Genie, who lives inside it. Genie explains that he has the power to grant Aladdin three wishes, with the exceptions of murder, romance, resurrection of the dead, and more wishes. Aladdin tricks Genie into freeing them from the cave without using a wish. He then wishes to be a rich prince, calling himself Prince Ali and heads to Agrabah.
So ofcourse he woos Jasmine and impressed her on the magic carpet ride. while Genie goes out with Jasmine’s handmaiden Dalia. When Jasmine tricks Aladdin into revealing his true identity, he appears to convince her that he is actually a prince and only dressed like a peasant to meet the citizens of Agrabah beforehand. When Jafar find out that Ali is really Aladdin throws Aladdin into the sea, saying if he lives, it will be because he found the lamp and the Genie saved him. If he dies, he really is a prince and doesn’t have the lamp. Abu and the carpet arrive with the lamp and Aladdin rubs it just before losing consciousness. He awakens though, having been saved by Genie, at the cost of his second wish. They talk to Jasmine, who is also suspicious of Jafar, and then expose Jafar, who is arrested and imprisoned in the dungeon. The Sultan offers Aladdin the position as heir to the throne. Fearing he will lose Jasmine if the truth is revealed, Aladdin needs Genie with him now and refuses to free him, much to Genie’s disappointment.
Iago frees Jafar who then steals the lamp from Aladdin and becomes Genie’s new master. He uses his first two wishes to become Sultan and then, when the guards refuse to acknowledge the change at Jasmine’s request, to become the world’s most powerful sorcerer, imprisoning the guards and Jasmine’s pet tiger Rajah. He then exposes Aladdin’s identity to Jasmine and exiles him and Abu to a frozen wasteland on the other side of the Earth. He threatens to kill the Sultan and Dalia unless Jasmine agrees to marry him. At the wedding ceremony, Aladdin and Abu return, having been rescued by the magic carpet and Jasmine steals back the lamp. Furious, Jafar transforms Iago into a roc to give chase. Iago overpowers them and steals the lamp back, destroying the magic carpet in the process.
Aladdin stalls Jafar by taunting him for being second and less powerful than the Genie. An incensed Jafar is tricked to use his last wish o become the most powerful being in the universe. Due to the vagueness of the wish, Genie is able to use it to turn Jafar into a genie; chained to the lamp without a master, Jafar gets trapped inside, dragging Iago inside with him. Genie throws Jafar’s lamp to the Cave of Wonders and repairs the magic carpet. Aladdin keeps his promise, using his last wish to free Genie and allow him to live as a human. Jasmine & Aladdin then share a passionate kiss. Genie marries Dalia and leaves to explore the world and start a family with her. Aladdin and Jasmine get married and start a new life as well.
While there isn’t much wrong with the film or the acting (it’s pretty much a Disney movie) the problem is many of us will compare it with the 1992 animated film. Massoud & Scott are pretty good as the lead pair but the problem is Will Smith isn’t as good as a Genie. No fault of his but it’s just the ghost of Robin Williams looms large over the movie. Williams killed it as the Genie and can never be bettered. Also the villain isn’t very threatening and lacks a menacing presence which even the cartoon version had! Other than that it’s pretty good. 8 outta 10!
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off!
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
Here is a 7 dvd hail from Amazon UK – all superhero movies from the MCU.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”
Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn’t be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we’d have a bunch of jealous countries that aren’t talking to each other.
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go pick her up.”
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!”
A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her. Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, “I have no idea where they came from I don’t do the laundry!” So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, “Madam, how should I know? These panties don’t belong to me. I don’t even wear panties just ask your husband!”
1. How is God just like a regular man?
If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.
2. Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.
3. Wh loans on mobile homes at do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just bad credit unsecured loans instant decision for decoration.
4. Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
5. If God created man in His own image…
He’s a fucking pervert.
6. Why does everyone pray in the aftermath of a disaster?
Hasn’t God just proved He doesn’t give a fuck?
7. If God sneezes when you meet him, what the hell do you say?
8. My husband and I divorced for religious reasons.
He lilly cialis thought he was God. I didn’t.
9. Don’t forget: If you never sin, Jesus died for nothin’.
10. Bacon proves God has a sense of humor.
He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.