4 Shorts & 1 Blonde Joke

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out all the ‘W’s.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So they can remember them.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

A blonde asked her coworker, “Do you have any kids?”
“Yes,” she replied. “I have one child that’s just under two.”
The blonde said, “I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.”


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

2 Religious Jokes

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat. As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.

“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”

The man said, “Yes, that’s the one.  Do you have it in paperback?”


The Christian says: “The Jews and Muslims are wrong.”

The Muslim says: “The Christians and Jews are wrong.”

The Jew says: “The Muslims and Christians are wrong.”

The Atheist says: “You *all* are *correct*.”

Smokey And The Bandit

Smokey and the Bandit is a 1977 American road action comedy film starring Burt Reynolds, Sally Field, Jackie Gleason, Jerry Reed, Pat McCormick, Paul Williams and Mike Henry. The directorial debut of stuntman Hal Needham, the film follows Bo “Bandit” Darville (Reynolds) and Cledus “Snowman” Snow (Reed), two bootleggers attempting to illegally transport 400 cases of Coors beer from Texarkana to Atlanta. While the Snowman drives the truck carrying the beer, the Bandit drives a Pontiac Trans Am to distract law enforcement (called blocking) and keep the attention off the Snowman. During their run, they are pursued by Texas county sheriff Buford T. Justice (Gleason). Smokey and the Bandit was the second highest-grossing domestic film of 1977, with $300 million against a budget of $4.3 million (only Star Wars made a higher gross that year, earning $775.5 million). Sally Field and Burt Reynolds began a relationship after meeting on set.

Jokes About The English

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. “All right children, let’s take an example,” Mrs Cameron said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?” Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, “You’d be his wife.”


  • Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant – it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
  • What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50?  Colonel, sir.
  • They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
  • An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.’Would you like one with a plug?’ asked the assistant. ‘Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric,’ said the Englishman.

At an antiques auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing ÂŁ5,000, and he would give a reward of ÂŁ50 to the person who found it.  From the back of the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, “I’ll give ÂŁ100!”


Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, ‘Mira el mosca.’ The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, ‘No, senor, “la mosca”… es feminina.’ Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, ‘Good heavens….. you must have incredibly good eyesight.’

Jokes On You!

Gorbachev, Reagan, and Thatcher all meet God. God says “I’ll answer one question from each of you.”

Reagan asks “How long will it be before the American people are happy, healthy, and living in prosperity?”

God replies “50 years.” Reagan starts to weep, and says “I won’t live long enough to see it!”

Thatcher says “What about the British people? How long until they’re all happy?” God says “100 years.”  Thatcher starts to weep as well, saying “I won’t live long enough to see it!”

Gorbachev asks “What about the Soviet people?” God starts to weep, and says “I won’t live long enough to see it!”


What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?

A Referee


What does the Loch Ness monster eat?

Fish and ships.

Downsizing (2017)

Downsizing is a 2017 American science fiction-drama film directed by Alexander Payne, written by Payne and Jim Taylor, and starring Matt Damon, Christoph Waltz, Hong Chau, Udo Krier and Kristen Wiig. It tells the story of Paul and Audrey Safranek, a couple who decide to undertake a newly invented procedure to shrink their bodies so they can start a new life in an experimental community. Audrey refuses the procedure at the last minute and Paul has to reassess his life choices after befriending an impoverished activist. Principal photography on the film began in Ontario, Canada on April 1, 2016.

Jokes For The End Of The Year

My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full …. with either rum, vodka or whiskey.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ….. but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something!

Q: Why did Princess Leia contract Coronavirus?
A: Because she went to woo Han.

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

3 Indian Jokes

An American couple visits India for the first time. As they are wandering around in the markets the wife notices a sign that she finds extremely aesthetic. She proceeds to draw it out and once they return to the US, She knits a sweater with that design on the front.

The days go by and all her friends find the sweater very pretty and very ethnic so they ask what does it mean and the woman tells them about the story of that Indian Town.

Since they were so fascinated by India the couple decides to visit again, this time taking that sweater with them. As soon as they arrive in India they notice everyone behaving very strange and couldn’t understand why. They continued their journey and finally got to meet an intellectual that would help them figure out their lives. They ask the very first question about the perplexing behavior of the locals and seek for an answer.

The monk says- “that sweater you are wearing is the problem”

Wife- why? Is it like cursed or something??

The monk calmly replied- It reads ‘Get milk here’ in Hindi


Johnny walks in the room and looks at his wife and says “baby. if you were in India they would worship you”

His wife responds while blushing “does that mean I’m a goddess”

He smiles and says “no you’re a cow”


An Indian man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that each country has a separate hell and one may opt to sign up for any of them.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, ‘What do they do here?’ He is told, ‘First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes and whips you for the rest of the day. The man does not like the sound of it at all, and so he goes to the American hell. Here too he is told the same routine: ‘First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes and whips you for the rest of the day.’ He then tries a few other hells and gets the same answer to his question.

Then finally he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long queue of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, ‘What do they do here?’ And to his surprise, once again he receives the same answer.

He exclaims, ‘What the hell! That’s exactly the same as all the other hells-so what’s the long queue for?”

He receives the response: ‘Because maintenance is so bad, the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government of India bureaucrat – so he comes in, signs the register and then goes off to the cafeteria…’

International Jokes

A frog and a scorpion were sitting on the bank of the River Jordan. “Hey frog,” said the scorpion. “I need to go to the other side of the river. Would you carry me across on your back?”

“No way,” said the frog. “If I let you come close to me, you’d sting me and kill me.”

The scorpion said, “That would be stupid. If I stung you while we were in the river, we’d both drown.”

“Hmmm, that’s true,” said the frog. “OK, hop on.”

So the scorpion climbed on the frog’s back and they headed out into the River Jordan. Halfway across the river the scorpion stung the frog.

“What did you do that for?” cried the frog, as they were both going down for the third time.

“I couldn’t help it,” said the scorpion. “This is the Middle East.”


— “Boss, can I leave work two hours early today? My wife wants me to go shopping with her.”

— “That’s out of the question.”

— “Thanks, boss! I knew you wouldn’t let me down.


3 people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: “Local calls are free”.

Short Dirty Jokes

  • “What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.”
  • “What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off.”
  • “What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.”
  • “What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair.”
  • “What do you call a guy with a small penis? Just-in.”
  • “Do you like sales? Because clothing is 100% off at my place.”
  • “I wish you were my big toe. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house.”
  • “‘You’re cute’ has U in it, but ‘quickie’ has U and I together.”
  • “Do you do carpeting? Because I’m looking for a deep shag.”
  • “Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.”
  • “How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.”
  • “How is life like a penis? It sometimes get hard when you least expect it.”
  • “Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere.”
  • “Why does Santa have such a heavy sack? He only comes once a year.”
  • “How is a thunderstorm similar to sex? You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last.”

Dirty Jokes, Done Dirt Cheap

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.


Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.


If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?


A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?”

The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”

“Yeah, that’s the one!”


I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”… But she did.

3 More Religious Jokes

A man enters the confessional in a Church: “Father, I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife. I’m a film producer and about two weeks ago I slept with Jennifer Lopez.” “Anything more than confess son?” replies the priest “Yes father. Last week I was weak and I also slept with Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts.” The very calm priest asks: “Any other sin, son?” “Yes father, this week I could not contain myself and participated in a threesome with Gal Gadot and Brie Larson.” “Sorry, son, but I can not absolve you,” the priest replies. “Why not Father, if the mercy of God is infinite?” “Yes, but God will not believe you’re sorry.


A girl is going to confess: “Well, you see, father, I said that my boyfriend is a son of a bitch and the other day …” The priest interrupts her and says: “But girl! How you call your boyfriend, you son of a bitch! What has happened to you?” “Well, the other day he took my hand.” The priest takes her hand and says: “But look, I take your hand too and I’m not a son of a bitch.” “Yeah, well … but it’s just that my boyfriend later touched my breasts.” The priest touches her breasts and says: “Look, I’m touching your tits but I’m not a son of a bitch.” “Yes, but my boyfriend also made love to me.” replied the girl The priest throws it away and then says: “Well, look, I made love to you too and I’m not a son of a bitch.” “Yes, but my boyfriend has Herpes.” “What a son of a bitch!!!”


The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\ The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see”, ‘Yes, go on’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?'” The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!? What happened next?'”

2 Muslim Jokes

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat…
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.

“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”

The man said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”


A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

Naughty Jokes For You

The teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”

Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?” And the teacher responds, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking.


“Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other hooker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”


“A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!” He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, “That was the best, honey. You’ve never moved like that before, you didn’t hurt yourself, did you?” And his wife replied, “No, no. I’ll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ass.”