Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell…
Then all the other bells started to ring.
On his way to address the U.N. assembly, the pope arrives by plane in New York city. Following his practice of kissing the tarmac, waving to the crowds etc, he climbs aboard the limo that’s been sent to transfer him from the airport to the U N. building. The limo is complete with tinted windows, plush upholstery, mini bar and, of course, a uniformed chauffeur. The chauffeur welcomes the pope to NY and wishes him a pleasant stay and, as an aside, tells the pope that he, as a devout Roman Catholic, would welcome the opportunity to do any thing he could to please the pope.
The pope thanks the chauffeur and, after a pause, tells the driver ‘Welll . . . There is something . . “‘ The chauffeur pounces on the opportunity to help the Holy Father and replies ‘Anything! Anything. Just ask’! The Primate pauses for a moment and says; ‘You know, being the pope is great . .big palaces . .servants . . Fancy clothes . . Great Art works . . All that sort of stuff . . But, I’m not allowed to do any of the things that I’d like to do’ The driver nods in sympathy. ‘If I can help . . ‘The one thing I’d like most of all’ says the pope ‘Is to drive a big car like this one’. The chauffeur immediately agrees and swaps places with the pontiff.
Once the driver settles in to the back seat Vroom . .vroom and off goes the limo. Out onto the freeway and the pope is flooring the accelerator. Sixty, seventy, eighty and heading up to ninety miles per hour. Swerving between cars, cornering almost on two wheels, on he goes . . When. In the rearview mirror he sees blue flashing lights and then hears the siren of a motorcycle policeman.
Once he has pulled over and switched of the engine, he rolls down the window at the approach of the cop. The policeman stops to look at the pope sitting in the driver’s seat, and asks the holy father to wait a moment while he considers the situation.
On his bike radio, the cop asks to speak to his chief.’ You’ll never guess who I just pulled over for speeding’ he says. ‘I can’t possibly give him a ticket’. He is way too important’! Nonsense!’ replies the chief. ‘It doesn’t matter if you’ve pulled over the mayor of New York. .you give him a ticket. Understood?’ ‘But chief’ he replies, ‘This guy is seriously important, I can’t give him a ticket’.
The chief is puzzled. ‘Did you pull over the state Governor?’ ‘No! Somebody really important?’. ‘The Vice President?’ Are you kidding me? You’ve Stopped the VP?’ Asks the chief. Nope. somebody a lot more important than him.’
‘Oh my god! You’re kidding me. You’ve pulled over the President. Are you crazy?’
‘Actually’ says the cop, ‘It’s someone even more important’. What?? The chief screams. ‘There is no one more important than the President of the USA!’ ‘Who have you actually stopped?’
The cop says ‘Uhm. Er. I’m not really sure who it is’. ‘Then how can you possibly know that they are so important if you don’t even know who they are? ‘ asks the chief.
The cop replies:
‘Well. he’s got the pope as his chauffeur!’
The Nice Guys is a 2016 American mystery-crime thriller neo-noir action comedy film directed by Shane Black and written by Black and Anthony Bagarozzi. The film stars Russell Crowe, Ryan Gosling, Angourie Rice, Matt Bomer, Margaret Qualley, Keith David and Kim Basinger and follows a pair of 1977 Los Angeles private eyes who investigate the disappearance of a teenage girl.
From the first scene you understand that although there’s gonna be violence, this movie means to have a sense of humour. Its 1977 Los Angeles and a boy who steals a nudie mag from his dad’s collection ogles at pics of centerfold and adult film star Misty Mountains and a few seconds later a car crashes through his house. He goes to the woods behind his house to find a naked Misty dying in the ruins of the car and as she passes away he drapes his shirt over her body. Later that week, down-on-his-luck private eye Holland March is approached by Mrs. Glenn, the aunt of Misty Mountains who is obsessively claiming to have seen her niece alive after her supposed death. He does not believe the elderly woman but takes the job anyway when he finds out that teenager Amelia Kuttner, who is known to be missing, is somehow involved. Scared by his investigations and not knowing who he is Amelia, who is in fact in hiding, hires unethical enforcer Jackson Healy to intimidate March into staying away from her.
Healy himself is attacked by two thugs, Blue Face and Older Guy, who attempt to interrogate him about Amelia’s whereabouts. He manages to scare them away using a shotgun. He and March join forces to find Amelia and solve the mystery. Holly, March’s precocious and intelligent young daughter, despite her father’s fears, keeps following them despite dad’s attempts to keep her out of the case for her own safety. March and Healey find out that Amelia was working with Misty Mountains and an amateur filmmaker named Dean on an “experimental film”—equal parts pornography and investigative journalism—called How Do You Like My Car, Big Boy? about the smog in Los Angeles. Dean and film’s financier, Sid Shattack, a notorious pornography producer are found dead and Amelia runs into March. Holly, after attempting to investigate on her own, is tricked into a car by Blue Face and Older Guy. Healy fights with Older Guy, while Blue Face tries to kill Amelia from inside his car, only to be stopped by Holly, who warns Amelia and then escapes with her.
While chasing them down, Blue Face is seriously injured in a hit-and-run. Dying in the middle of the road, he reveals to Healy that their boss has dispatched a hit man named John Boy to kill Amelia, March and his family to prevent further witnesses. After a brief investigation, the two are greeted by Amelia’s mother, Judith Kuttner, a high-ranking official in the US Department of Justice, who claims her daughter is delusional and paranoid and points them towards the Las Vegas mob trying to expand into the Los Angeles pornography scene. At a hotel in search of Amelia they find the assassin killing men and sneak away only to have Amelia fall onto their car. They take Amelia back to March’s house, where she reveals that the people after her are working for a cabal of Detroit automakers. After uncovering evidence that they colluded to suppress the catalytic converter (which regulates exhaust emissions), Amelia created the film to expose their collusion. Judith has her assistant, Tally, arrange for March and Healy to deliver a briefcase that supposedly contains $100,000.
When March dozes while driving and accidentally crashes their car, the case flies open to reveal shredded magazines; the double-cross was a diversion to leave Amelia unprotected. John Boy attacks Holly before engaging in a shootout with March and Healy as soon as they return to the house. On hearing police sirens, John Boy drives off while an impatient Amelia has fled the house, only to be killed by John Boy on the street when he inadvertently comes across her attempting to catch a ride. March and Healy try to bring the matter to court, but are rejected, as they have no evidence, leading them again to search for the film. The two have Mrs. Glenn show them where she saw Misty Mountains alive. Inside they find a hidden projector – the nearsighted Mrs. Glenn having mistaken footage of Misty for her niece – and deduce that there was a reprint of the film. They realize that the projectionist, Chet, another protester they had questioned about Dean, is the projectionist for the film and had worked with Amelia to make the film public by splicing it into the presentation film for the Los Angeles Auto Show, which is being held at a hotel.
At the auto show, the two find that John Boy and Older Guy, along with a few other thugs are already there and have interrogated a drunken Chet, learning that the film will be projected automatically from a window of the building. Healy and March attempt to reach it first, only to be intercepted at gunpoint by Tally. Before she can kill them, Holly arrives while pretending to be room service and knocks Tally unconscious. In a subsequent fight, Older Guy falls to his death, while Healy subdues John Boy. He spares his life at Holly’s behest. They take the film to the police, and although Judith is arrested, the Detroit car companies escape punishment. Healy and March decide to continue working together as private eyes, naming their agency “The Nice Guys”.
Funny with a dark sense of humour and some action shots and fighting involved with some nudity, the movie is a surprising change from the usual kind of crime movies we have been getting from Hollywood the last several years. Chalk it out as a good movie to watch on a weekend afternoon. 8 outta 10!
A misused word, a misremembered song lyric, a cream pie that just happened to be there: tell us about a time you (or someone else) said or did something unintentionally funny.
Kajala beans! I tell you Kajala beans made me laugh so much and I literally couldn’t stop laughing for a good solid 20 minutes or so. It was so hilarious that just thinking of the words made me burst into laughter.
Many years ago, I think I was about 22 or so, I was in Mattancherry hanging out with some cousins and the two young ones, Aswin and Sree and I were cracking each other with jokes. I heard about this thing called “kajala beans”, a totally made up word by their older brother Harish. It doesn’t mean anything at all. But a song came up and we started singing kalaja beans to the tune of that song when at the end of the chorus one of my cousins farted – twice!
And it was in tune with the song! I laughed so hard and I kept singing “kajala beans a, kajala beans b and kajala beans (making farting noises)” and breaking up laughing. My cousins started laughing too but I just couldn’t stop! I was singing the line again and again and laughing so hard tears were streaming down my cheeks. I had to stop and compose myself but it was hard to do.
Prompt from The Daily Post at WordPress.com
Angry Birds is a 2016 Finnish-American 3D computer-animated action-adventure comedy film based on the video game series of the same name. It was directed by Clay Kaytis and Fergal Reilly (in their directorial debuts) and written by Jon Vitti. The film was animated by Sony Pictures Imageworks, and stars Jason Sudeikis, Josh Gad, Danny McBride, Maya Rudolph, Kate McKinnon, Sean Penn, Tony Hale, Keegan-Michael Key, Bill Hader and Peter Dinklage.
Reclusive Red (so named because he is a red bird) who lives just outside of the village is sentenced to anger management class after his temper causes a “premature hatching” of a customer’s egg (and where he also threw a cake at the father’s face for trying to bust him) Resentful, Red avoids getting to know his classmates Chuck, Bomb, Terence and the instructor Matilda. One day, a boat docks at the island’s shore. It carries green-colored pigs, who claim to be peaceful explorers bringing offerings of friendship, and are accepted on the island. They introduce the birds to innovative technologies such as slingshots and helium balloons. Red is the only one initially suspicious of them, probably because their ship destroyed part of his home.
He sneaks into the ship and discovers a whole lot of pigs (initially there were only supposed to be two) yet everyone else seems to adore the pigs. As more pigs arrive and seemingly adjust to bird society, with the help of Chuck and Bomb Red seeks out Mighty Eagle, a giant bald eagle said to be the protector of the island, and the only bird that can fly, but who has not been seen for many years. They find him on top of Bird Mountain, but Mighty Eagle is now overweight, self-absorbed, and largely in retirement. Looking through the Mighty Eagle’s binoculars, Red’s group sees the pigs planting explosives around the island while the birds are at a rave party. They realize the party was a ruse to steal the birds’ eggs. Red, Bomb and Chuck attempt to warn the other birds and stop the pigs, but the pigs escape and their explosives destroy the village. When the birds realize what happened, Red rallies them to let loose their anger and take back their eggs.
The birds construct a boat and sail to Piggy Island, where they find the pigs living in a walled city. Deducing the eggs are most likely in the central castle of the city, the birds attack and defeat the pigs by firing themselves over the walls using their gifted giant slingshot. Red, Chuck, and Bomb make it to the castle and find the eggs in a boiler room, where the pigs plan to cook and eat them. Mighty Eagle arrives, having watched these events through his binoculars and had a change of heart, and carries the eggs out. As the birds escape, one egg falls out and rolls back into the castle. Red battles the pigs’ king Leonard and retrieves the egg, escaping as the pigs’ reserve of explosives blow up and destroy Piggy Island. Red reunites with the other birds as the rescued egg hatches, revealing three little blue birds (The Blues), and is declared a hero. He, Chuck, and Bomb are approached by Mighty Eagle, who claims that he wasn’t lazy but instead deliberately made the birds lose faith in him so they could find faith in themselves.
Back on Bird Island, the birds rebuild Red’s house, which had been moved by Red near the edge of the island and was eventually destroyed whenever a boat full of pigs had arrived, all the birds that have hatched sing a song to Red to thank him, and Red reluctantly lets Chuck and Bomb move in with him. During the credits, it is revealed that some of the pigs survived Piggy Island’s destruction and have begun to hatch a new plan to steal the eggs, while a mid-credits scene reveals that the three blue birds that Red rescued use a rebuilt slingshot to launch themselves out to sea.
Though funny in places, I can see why it failed to be a big hit with audiences. It doesn’t really hit you in the heart as most of these animated movies that succeed seem to do. Even lilly cialis some of the jokes seem to fall flat. It was released in the United States on May 20, 2016, received mixed reviews from critics and grossed over $349 million. I give it a 7 outta 10!
I love the Ice Age series. They are among my fav animated movies and certainly my fav franchise. But have they run their course with this, the 5th movie? Have things commercial real estate loans interest rates become stale? I didn’t think so but I believe that this was the least critically appreciated movie despite making it in the box office. My favourite is still the first one ofcourse. Ice Age: Collision Course is a 2016 American 3D computer-animated comedy adventure film produced by Blue Sky Studios. It was directed by Mike Thurmeier and co-directed by Galen Tan Chu, and written by Michael Wilson, Michael Berg and Yoni Brenner. The film stars the voice talents of Ray Romano, John loans in Leguizamo, Denis Leary, Josh Peck, Simon Pegg, Seann William Scott, Jennifer Lopez and Queen Latifah, all reprising their roles from previous films. New additions to the cast include Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Adam DeVine, Nick Offerman, Max Greenfield, Stephanie Beatriz, Melissa Rauch, Michael Strahan, Jessie J and Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Scat, trying to bury his acorn, accidentally activates an abandoned alien ship that takes him into deep space, where he unwittingly sends several asteroids en route to a collision (in an awesome cartoonish silly scene) with Earth. Meanwhile, Manny is playing ice hockey with his daughter Peaches but worried about the upcoming marriage between Peaches and her fiancé, Julian. Diego and his wife Shira want to start a family but they seem to scare any and all the kids in the area. Sid is dumped by his girlfriend, Francine, just as he is about to propose to her, and he laments his solitude. Manny also forgets his wedding anniversary but an asteroid shower has the crowd initially thinking he arranged the “fireworks” show. However the animals have to soon run for cover as some of the asteroids strike the place and the herd barely escape with their lives.
Buck, who has recovered a dinosaur egg from trio of dromaeosaurs named Gavin, Gertie, and Roger. Buck discovers an ancient stone pillar and takes it to the surface, where he meets Manny and the others. As Buck explains, the pillar depicts various points in time where the asteroids caused mass extinctions and with a massive one still incoming, he believes that the only place they could find a clue to stop it is on the site of the impact of the previous ones, as according to its engravings, they always fall at the same place. The three dromaeosaurs overhear their conversation and follow them. After a long trek, as they reach the crash site and find they discover that the asteroids have electro-magnetic properties. Buck theorizes that if a huge quantity of smaller asteroids should be gathered and launched into orbit, they could attract the main asteroid as well and prevent it from falling on Earth. The herd arrives at “Geotopia”, a community of immortal animals formed inside one of the asteroids that have fallen long ago, where Sid meets Brooke, a female ground sloth who falls in love with him.
The leadero of Geotopia, Shangri Llama, efuses to cooperate with Buck’s plan to send the city’s crystals into space in order to prevent the imminent impact, as they are the key to the residents’ longevity. Sid inadvertently destroys the entire city when he attempts to remove one of the stones to present Brooke with, immediately aging all of the Geotopians to their true ages. Brooke convinces the Geotopians that preventing the asteroid’s fall is more important than their lost youth, and everyone pitches in to fill up a geyser with the crystals so that the pressure launches them into space to draw the asteroid away. The dromaesaurs intervene but Roger is able to convince the other two to help save the lives of everyone. The plan works, and the asteroid is pulled back into space. The herd then departs back home, including Sid, who parts ways from Brooke, but just after they leave, an asteroid piece falls inside a hot spring, giving it rejuvenating properties and making the Geotopians and Sid’s grandmother, who stayed behind with them, regain their youth. After the herd returns, Manny reconciles with Julian, Peaches and Julian celebrate their wedding, Diego and Shira become heroes to the kids who were scared of them before, and a rejuvenated Brooke appears during the ceremony to reunite with Sid. In the film’s epilogue, Scrat keeps struggling to control the alien ship until it crashes on Mars, destroying all life on the planet.
The film got negative reviews for it’s storyline and familiar theme of destruction of the life on earth. loans on mobile homes It ranks as the worst-reviewed film in the series. I liked it but it isn’t as good as the first 3. I will give this a 7 outta 10!
Yep they just had to do it. The Hollywood trend of rebooting much beloved franchises hits us yet again. I have kept away from reading too much about movie plots and trailers or discussion videos of upcoming and anticipated movies because with the stuff that is out there, it tends to ruin movie watching experiences for me. So other than the fact that the new Ghostbusters movie features and all women cast of the busters plus Chris Hemsworth and that there were cameos by the 4 main cast members of the first two movies (minus the late Harold Ramis) I knew nothing much about it. I had seen one of the trailers a couple of times but that’s about it.
The 2016 American supernatural action comedy film directed by Paul Feig & written by Feig and Katie Dippold, stars Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones and Hemsworth. I missed watching this movie in the theatres as it went quickly from the theatres near me and I couldn’t get to the one that’s 45 minutes away in time. Anyways, I got a copy to watch it this afternoon. Slightly surprised as I did not know it was a reboot; I had thought it was (or hoped) going to be set nearly 30 years after the events of the 1989 sequel and have the ladies be the heir-apparents of the original gang. Think about it – 27 years later the old guard trains or finds a group of ladies doing the same ghostbusting that they had originally done all those years ago! I think that was an opportunity missed. You could have had done that instead of just cameos by Murray, Aykroyd, Hudson & Weaver.
While the movie does have bad credit unsecured loans instant decision it’s fun elements and the cast is pretty good, it does have a few flaws. Sometimes I think the humour was forced quite a bit and it doesn’t flow naturally like the original movie does. Adding Hemsworth in this film too made it hard for me to appreciate it. I like him in Thor but he isn’t the comedic talent needed here. Maybe he didn’t need to be but I found him miscast here. Leslie Jones – I found her funny and she’s probably quite a charmer but this loud African-American shouting for comedy is something that gets on my nerves (I felt the same about a really funny movie with Kevin Hart; even if he is funny the shouting pissed me off). Though I find Kate McKinnon funny in other stuff and hot in real life, she just didn’t do much for me in this film, with the exception of a couple of scenes. Kristen Wiig (oh how I love her) and Melissa McCarthy were good but not on the level that I was expecting. And I almost didn’t recognize Andy Garcia! Though Cecily Strong as Jennifer Lynch, the mayor’s assistant was quite fun.
The special effects harkens back to the original movies and it was cool to see Slimer and his better half. Everything else was just about ok and fun in an unmemorable way. The villain played by Neil Casey was more like a caricature than anything and I guess it kinda fell flat. I did enjoy the film but found myself comparing it to the original and it was no contest. This is tough as I so wanted the movie to succeed and was rooting for the ladies. I hated the dislike the film got before the film was released based on some of the comments about an all ladies group of Busters. C’mon! I will give the film a 7 outta 10!
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”
“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”
“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.” “You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”,he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?” The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.”
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”