Thanks For The Tips

Paddy, newly arrived from Ireland, attends his first confession in New York. “What sins have you come to confess?” the priest asks.

“Ah, Father,” Paddy replies, “’Tis a terrible thing I’ve done. Blighted fair womankind, I have.”

“That is a serious sin, Paddy,” the priest replies. “Who was the woman?”

“Now, Father, I couldn’t tell you that,” Paddy replies. “It would be like betraying her all over again.”

“Only a full confession will cleanse you of your sin,” the priest admonishes. “And everything you tell me will be held in strictest confidence. So come on now — was it Mary from the Five Points?”

“Father, please don’t ask me.”

“Well, was it Kathleen from Hell’s Kitchen?”

“Father, I just can’t say.”

“Was it Sheila from Ninth Avenue?”

“No, no — I can’t speak her name, Father.”

The priest sighs. “Very well. Say three Hail Marys and put $2 in the collection box.”

“Thank you, Father, thank you,” Paddy says as he rises to leave. “Oh, and Father — thanks for all the good tips!”

Goon: Last of the Enforcers

Goon: Last of the Enforcers is a 2017 sports comedy film directed by Jay Baruchel in his directorial debut and written by Baruchel and Jesse Chabot. A sequel to Goon (2011), the film stars Seann William Scott, Baruchel, Liev Schreiber, Alison Pill, Elisha Cuthbert, Callum Keith Rennie, Wyatt Russell, Marc-André Grondin and Kim Coates.

During a pro hockey lockout, several top players are now playing in the lower league. Doug “The Thug” Glatt has just being named as the captain of the Halifax Highlanders and with media focus has descended on the lower league, and the owner of the Highlanders, Hyrum Cain (Callum Keith Rennie), seeks to capitalize on the attention. In a close fought game, Doug is goaded into a fight with the rival team’s enforcer, Anders Cain, an up-and-coming player with a violent streak, and the son of the Highlanders’ owner. Anders wins the fight, and with Doug badly injured, the Highlanders lose the game.

With a busted by shoulder, Doug retired after a party in his honour and goes to join a more stable job as an insurance firm in their supplies section. Doug’s wife Eva is pregnant and they both prepare of the birth and life as new parents. Without Doug, the Highlanders go on a long losing streak, prompting the owner to push for changes. He signs several overseas players and pushes to add his own son to the team. Hyrum foresees Anders as the new captain of the Highlanders, and although the coach disagrees with the move, anticipating locker room dysfunction, Hyrum strong arms him into making Anders the new captain. Doug is missing the game and his Highlanders and goes to his old rival now friend Ross “The Boss” Rhea, who has left hockey and now competes in a hockey fighting league, where he is the current champion.

Ross agrees to train with Doug to strengthen his left arm for fighting Ross convinces Doug that if he joins the hockey fighting league and impresses, it could be a way to get back into minor league hockey. Doug takes Ross’ advice, but the first fight ends up being a battle royale style brawl, instead of the one-on-one fights that Doug had witnessed before. Ross is exhausted at the end as only he and Doug are left standing and is helped to the changing room by Doug. In the locker room after the fight, Ross reveals that he has post-concussion syndrome, and doctors have recommended that he stop playing, as one more bad hit could cause a permanent injury. At the same time, the Highlanders have improved with Anders as the captain, but not enough to get into playoff position.

Anders’ self-sabotaging play, in which he constantly is being penalized for fighting, has kept the Highlanders outside of a playoff spot. He also has antagonize the rest of the squad and their play suffers as a result. During another losing effort, Anders grows frustrated and ends up knocking out the entire opposing team. He is promptly suspended, and the coach demands a change. Hyrum, having seen Doug fight again, brings Doug and Ross back in. Eva makes Doug promise that he won’t fight and supports his return to hockey.  the Highlanders narrowly win in Doug’s celebrated return. The Highlanders go on a winning streak, but when Anders returns from suspension, he goads Doug into being more aggressive. Doug and Anders interrupt a game during a dispute, and they are both suspended for the next game.

During the game’s afterparty, Anders provokes Doug into a fight, and when Eva sees that Doug has been fighting again, she kicks him out of the house. Meanwhile, the Highlanders must win the last two games of the season to sneak into the playoffs and Hyrum also sacks his own son Anders who promptly rejoins Reading, his old club. While Ross helps the Highlanders to win the first of their last two games, Eva goes into labor, and Doug reconciles with her as they head to the hospital. After having her baby, Eva realizes that the same drive that led Doug to be with her during the birth, is the same drive that pushes him to want to defend his teammates on the ice, and she gives Doug her blessing to continue fighting. Doug returns to the Highlanders in their final league match vs Reading.

The game is immediately chippy, with both Ross and Anders starting fights.As the game enters the third period with the game tied, Ross and Anders are involved in a scuffle, and Anders cheap shots Ross, checking him from behind into the boards. Ross is knocked unconscious, and while paramedics take him away on a stretcher, Doug enters the rink to fight Anders in retaliation. Doug uses his southpaw training to beat Anders, but when Doug shows mercy, Anders threatens Doug, claiming that he will never stop coming for him until they are both like Ross, being carried out on stretchers. Realizing that his new family is more important to him than hockey, Doug uses his weakened right arm to level Anders, but throws his arm out and has to be helped off the ice. Hyrum rushes to his son’s aid, where Anders tells him that he hates hockey, and the two appear to mend things between them.

Having been told earlier that further injury to his right arm would be career-ending, Doug realizes that his hockey days are behind him. He watches as the Highlanders win the game in the final seconds, and during the celebration, he sets his stick down and goes home. The ending is actually spectacular and sad and yet celebratory. He chooses his son and wife to a sport he loves. Although it’s not great, there are some really fun moments. I love ice hockey and this movie just strengthens that love. 7.5 outta 10!

The Disaster Artist

The Disaster Artist is a 2017 American biographical comedy-drama film produced and directed by James Franco. Written by Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber, the film is based on Greg Sestero and Tom Bissell’s non-fiction book of the same name, and chronicles the making of Tommy Wiseau’s 2003 The Room, widely considered one of the worst movies ever made. The film stars brothers James and Dave Franco as Wiseau and Sestero, respectively, alongside a supporting cast featuring Seth Rogen (who also produced), Alison Brie, Ari Graynor, Josh Hutcherson, and Jacki Weaver.

The movie tells the story of how Greg met Tommy in acting class as they two lived in San Francisco and asks for help to get rid of his shyness as the former is impressed by the latter’s no holds barred style. As they become friends while trying to get an acting career moving, they decide to move to Los Angeles where they stay in an apartment that Tommy, who seemingly has a lot of wealth though no known source of income, owns. Greg soon finds a talent agency who signs him on but Tommy keeps getting rejected. reg develops a relationship with Amber, whom he meets at a nightclub, and Tommy grows jealous; as he fails to find work, he becomes disheartened. As Greg’s auditions also dry up, he shares his frustrations with Tommy, who decides to make a movie for them both to star in.

Tommy writes the screenplay for The Room, a melodrama about a love triangle and betrayal  between banker Johnny (played by Tommy), his fiancée Lisa and his best friend Mark. Greg accepts the role of Mark and an associate producer credit and the two select the cast. They rent out a production house; Tommy insists on buying all the production equipment, and shooting the film on 35 mm film and HD Digital simultaneously, costly and unnecessary measures. Production starts smoothly enough as there is a lot of issues as Tommy always arrives late, forgets his lines (in a hilarious scene on the rooftop) and doesn’t supply his crew with necessities like air conditioning and water, causing an older actress to faint. He even insults the actress playing Lisa during their sex scene.

He also secretly has another camera man record his crew who criticize him and his plans. While at a cafe, Greg runs into Bryan Crantson who knows Amber, and the actor ends up offering him a role in an episode of Malcolm In The Middle. he part requires a beard; as Greg is due to shave his beard for The Room, he begs Tommy to postpone shooting, but Tommy refuses. On the last day of shooting, Greg accuses Tommy of being selfish and duplicitous throughout their friendship, and questions his real age and origins. 8 months pass with no contact between the friends, when Greg gets an invitation for the premier, as do the entire cast and crew and they all show up.

Tommy makes a strange and late entrance and the movie starts with a packed audience (no doubt some of them influenced by the large billboard that Tommy has rented for the movie’s advertising) – the audience reacts first with horror then laughter at the film. Tommy is upset walks out, but Greg comforts him, telling him they have delighted the audience, not angered them. With Greg’s urging, Tommy comes back in and greets the audience takes credit for his “comedic” movie, and receives a standing ovation. the film made $1,800 against its reported $6 million budget during its initial release (Wiseau kept it running for two weeks, allegedly to qualify for the Academy Awards), but it has since become a profitable cult film. Wiseau and Sestero remain friends and, to this day, Wiseau’s age, past life and source of income remain a mystery.

It is strange how good this film is, ironically as it is about the worst film to have been produced, atleast in the US. I’m sure that there are even worse films elsewhere. There are awesome acting moments here. It’s a fun and entertaining flick but I do think you should watch The Room atleast once before you see this one. 8.5 outta 10!

Laugh At Court : Actual Court Case Q&A

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

_________________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Do You Speak Espanol?

A black guy and a white guy are driving in their car, having and arguement. “Jesus was a white man,” says the white guy. “No, Jesus was a black man,” says the black guy. “He was white!” says the white guy. “No, He was black!” says the black guy. Their arguement gets so heated that the driver stops paying attention, runs a red light, and BAM!!!… he gets run over by a truck.

The next thing the boys know, they’re standing at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears before them and welcomes them in, saying, “Are you ready to meet the Lord Jesus?” They respond in the affirmative, and St. Peter says, “Wait here, I’ll go get Him.” One guy then whispers to the other, “I guess we’re going to find who’s right, huh?”

Instantly a cloud of smoke appears before them, followed by blinding light and a crescendo of trumpets. Their eyes blinded by the light and the smoke, they can only see the outline of the Lord Jesus in the shadows. He appears before them, extends His arms and says……….. “¡Buenos Días, Amigos!”

More Religious Jokes

The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”
But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.
Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Why did God make man before He made woman?
Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

***********************************************************************

Two lovers intersted in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world ezactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later

At the seance, she called out, “John, dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John, I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, lilly cialis “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“Well what do you do all day, ” asked Martha.

“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but sex untill noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven is really like?”

“Heaven? I’m not in heaven Martha.”

“Well then where are you?”

“I’m a jack rabbit in Arizona

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Kingsman: The Golden Circle is a 2017 spy comedy film produced and directed by Matthew Vaughn and written by Vaughn and Jane Goldman. It is a sequel to Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014) which is based on the comic book series Kingsman, created by Dave Gibbons and Mark Millar. The film features Colin Firth, Taron Egerton, Mark Strong, Edward Holcroft, Hanna Alström, and Sophie Cookson reprising their roles from the first film with Julianne Moore, Halle Berry, Pedro Pascal, Elton John, Channing Tatum, and Jeff Bridges joining the cast. The plot follows the members of Kingsman needing to team up with their American counterpart, Statesman, after the world is held hostage by Poppy Adams and her drug cartel, “The Golden Circle”.

The movie starts off with Eggsy Unwin, who has officially joined Kingsman, taken his late mentor Harry Hart’s title of Galahad, and begun a relationship with Tilde, Crown Princess of Sweden. On his way home from work he is ambushed by Charlie Hesketh, a former Kingsman trainee who lost his arm and vocal cords during the Valentine incident, replacing them with cybernetics. Eggsy evades Charlie and his henchmen in a car chase across London, but Charlie’s severed cybernetic arm hacks into the Kingsman servers through the computer system of Eggsy’s car. While Eggsy has a birthday dinner with his friends and Tilde, Charlie passes on the information gained to Poppy Adams, the leader of the world’s largest drug cartel, the Golden Circle. Poppy uses the information to launch a volley of missiles that destroy the Kingsman headquarters and wipe out all of the agents in Britain, aside from Eggsy and Merlin, Kingsman’s tech support.

Eggsy and Merlin now the only Kingsman staff left alive drink their sorrows but discover that they have a connection to Statesman, an American private intelligence service posing as a Bourbon whiskey distillery in Kentucky.  There, they discover that Harry survived his shooting thanks to Statesman technology, but is suffering from amnesia. They also learn about the Golden Circle from Statesman head Champagne, and the two agencies agree to work together to bring it down. Statesman agent Tequila later develops a blue rash and shows signs of mania, and is replaced by another agent, Whiskey, as Eggsy’s partner. Eggsy plants a tracking device on Charlie’s ex-girlfriend Clara Von Gluckfberg during a sexual encounter at Glastonbury Festival, but his revelation of the mission to Princess Tilde strains their relationship.

Eggsy manages to get Harry out his amnesia by jogging his memory, by threatening to shoot a Cairn Terrier puppy that resembles Harry’s late dog, shortly before Poppy broadcasts a message telling the world about a toxin she has added to all her drugs, which causes users to develop symptoms like Tequila’s before progressing to paralysis, and ultimately, death. She offers the antidote to the world if the President of the United States ends his country’s War on drugs and grants her cartel immunity from prosecution. The President decides to have everyone affected quarantined, intending to let them all die in order to put Poppy out of business. Eggsy, Harry, and Whiskey track Clara to the Golden Circle’s antidote factory in Italy but it is broken by Whiskey while they are ambushed. Harry suspects Whiskey and shoots him dead but Eggsy , believing Harry to be delusional as a result of his recovery, saves him with the same technology that Statesman used to save Harry.

Prince Tilde calls Harry and she too is affected by the blue rash due to taking drugs upset about her relationship. Eggsy, Harry, and Merlin discover the location of Poppy’s hideout, “Poppy Land”, in Cambodia and fly there to steal the laptop which can deploy the drones carrying the antidote. Upon their arrival at Poppy Land, Eggsy steps on a land mine, but Merlin sacrifices himself to save him and Harry. The duo beat out Charlie, Poppy’s two robot dogs and a bunch of her man before inject Poppy with a concentrated dose of her toxin and heroin. Poppy gives them the laptop password in exchange for the antidote, but dies of an overdose from the heroin. Whiskey interrupts them before they can deploy the drones, revealing that he wants all drug users to die after his pregnant wife was killed in a robbery committed by two methamphetamine users.

Eggsy and Harry fight and kill Whiskey, then deploy the drones to release the antidote and save the affected victims throughout the world. In the aftermath, the President is impeached for conspiring to commit genocide on the drug victims, and Statesman purchases a distillery in Scotland to help rebuild Kingsman. Statesman tech support specialist Ginger Ale is appointed to the position of Whiskey, Eggsy marries Princess Tilde, and Tequila joins Kingsman, which acquires a new tailor shop in London.

Fun but not as good as the first one but just barely gets an above average grade. I’d say it’s good enough for an afternoon watch. 7 outta 10!

The Gift Of Life *NSFW*

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, father.”

“In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree.”

“Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

“Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh father, may I touch it?” This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true father?” “Yes it is, sister.” “Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and lets get the hell out of here.”

The Indian Detective

The Indian Detective is a Canadian comedy-drama series, debuting on CTV and Netflix in 2017. The show stars Russell Peters as Doug D’Mello, a police officer from Toronto who becomes embroiled in a murder investigation while visiting his father (Anupam Kher) in Mumbai while serving a one month suspension for incompetence. The mini-series also stars Christina Cole as D’Mello’s partner  Robyn “Bob” Gerner, Mishqah Parthiephal as Indian lawyer Priya Sehgal, Hamza Haq as twins Gopal & Amal Chandekar, Meren Reddy as Inspector Abhishek Devo and William Shatner as David Marlowe. It’s the feel good comforting, light-hearted police/crime / investigation with lots of humour and silliness involved.

Doug is a constable 1st class who with his partner Robyn, want to become detectives. After a suspension following a highly public failed drug bust and an urgent phone call from his father‘s hometown of Mumbai, constable Doug flies to India to visit his ailing father Stanley. Doug, who is suspended for a month, decides to stay in Mumbai, even as his dad seems to be ok. He meets the pretty lawyer, Priya Sehgal, who lives in the same building and gets caught up in a case that connects Mumbai & Toronto. Priya was led to believe that A swami is killed by poisoning and the local chaiwala confesses, even though Priya knows he is covering for someone else.

Even though their initial investigation brings forth the real murderer who is the wife of a wealthy business and disciple of the swami and who was giving away his wealth, a crimelord who has the local deputy commissioner in his pocket and is doing business with a well established Canadian developer named Marlowe (Shatner) is behind the forceful removal of the people living in a large slum to make way for a large building. The crimelord, Gopal, is financing the money using his twin brother Amal who lives in Toronto and part of a drug smuggling into the US. This same drug smuggling group is the one which Doug had tried to bust and failed, making his final victory all the more sweet.

In the end, his father’s health improves and although there are a few deaths, including a goon of Gopal who turned to help the good guys, Doug is vindicated and catches the bad guys and also wins the heart of Priya. The 4th episode ends on a sort of cliff hanger, when Marlowe informs a Nigerian drug lord that Doug was to blame for the latter’s loss of cocaine that got busted on the Canadian border. It’s a 7.5 outta 10 for me as it’s neither a comedy nor a full fledged detective/crime investigation show. But it has some good moments.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

The Hitman’s Bodyguard is a 2017 American action comedy film directed by Patrick Hughes and written by Tom O’Connor, whose script was on the 2011 Black List survey. The film stars Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Gary Oldman and Salma Hayek, and follows a bodyguard who is hired to protect a hitman who has to testify at the International Criminal Court.

Ryan Reynolds plays Michael Bryce, an ex-CIA agent turned private European Union based executive bodyguard who offers the finest services. He lives a lavish lifestyle and is rich and lives with his girlfriend Amelia Roussel, who has newly joined Interpol, in a nice mansion. However after his important client Takashi Kurosawa, a Japanese arms dealer, is killed at the airport Price falls into disgrace. 2 years later he is a shell of his former self, separated from Amelia and ekes out a living protecting drug-addicted corporate executives in London.

Vladislav Dukhovich, the ruthless and bloodthirsty dictator of Belarus, is put on trial for crimes against humanity at the International Criminal Court. The prosecution is unable to make headway against him, as they are unable to substantiate their allegations with physical evidence and Dukhovich assassinates any witnesses who could do so. The prosecution’s last hope is notorious incarcerated hitman Darius Kincaid, who agrees to testify against Dukhovich in exchange for releasing his wife Sonia from prison. Roussel is picked to lead the transportation of Kincaid, with a convoy of vehicles in which armed French & English agents escort them from Manchester to The Hague. The convoy is ambushed by armed men with guns and explosives and with the exception of Roussel and Kincaid, everyone else is killed.

Roussel and an injured Kincaid head to a safehouse and thinking that Interpol is probably compromised as the attackers knew exactly where and when to ambush them, she takes a risk and calls in Bryce who is reluctant  ultimately agrees to aid them in exchange for the restoration of his reputation. After a brief showdown with Kincaid which reveals that Bryce had multiple conflicts with him in the past, Roussel returns to Interpol to update them on the situation, while Bryce and Kincaid escape an attack by Dukhovich’s men. It is revealed that Roussel’s superior Foucher is the one who is working for Dukhovich and is spying for him. Dukhovich’s men track Kincaid’s location through his cellphone and ambush him and Bryce.

While they are able to fight them off, their vehicle is destroyed. The two hitchhike to a ferry terminal and take a ferry to Amsterdam, where Sonia is being held. Kincaid escapes from Bryce to send flowers to Sonia, and Bryce tracks him down and kills several more hitmen. Kincaid reveals that he killed Kurosawa two years ago, having been at the airport only by chance after another job. Enraged at the revelation that he has spent two years blaming Roussel for “betraying” him when in reality the client’s death was a sheer fluke, Bryce punches Kincaid and then abandons him. Bryce has a couple of drinks as Kincaid is attacked by Dukhovich’s men but has a change of heart and helps out the hitman.

Bryce though is captured and tortured and it is now Kincaid who comes to his aid and rescues him. They make their way to the Hague with seconds to spare and Kincaid provides damning evidence against Dukhovich, who resorts to his backup plan; to bomb the court, allowing him to steal a gun and attempt to kill Kincaid. Bryce jumps in the way of the bullet and orders Kincaid to stop Dukhovich from escaping. Roussel notices Foucher acting suspiciously during the attack, and deduces he was the traitor. She subdues him with Bryce’s aid. Kincaid pursues Dukhovich to the roof of the building, where he attempts to escape by helicopter, but Kincaid dispatched both the helicopter and pushes Dukhovich to his death.

In the aftermath, Bryce is recovered and has rekindled his relationship with Roussel and Sonia is released. Kincaid is rearrested for his previous crimes, but breaks out of HMP Belmarsh so he and Sonia can celebrate their anniversary in the bar in Honduras where they first met. The movie ends with them dancing and then kissing in the midst of all the fighting and chaos taking place at the bar.

Funny in a lot of places and with non-stop banter and fast paced action, this movie delivers on what the trailer promised it would be. Action, buddy elements, guns, explosions and lots of banter and with both leads saying “motherfucker” and “fuck” a lot! It’s senseless fun and entertainment but the difference in this movie, compared to others, is the obvious chemistry between Reynolds & Jackson. 8 outta 10, for the kind of movie it wants to be!

Despicable Me 3

Despicable Me 3 is a 2017 American 3D computer-animated comedy film produced by Illumination Entertainment for Universal Pictures. bad credit unsecured loans instant decision It is the third main installment, fourth overall in the Despicable Me film series and the sequel to Despicable Me 2 (2013). The film is directed by Pierre Coffin and Kyle Balda, co-directed by Eric Guillon and written by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Steve Carell, Miranda Cosgrove and Dana Gaier reprise their roles of Gru, Margo and Edith and Julie Andrews returns as Marlena, Gru’s mother. Kristen Wiig and Steve Coogan return from Despicable Me 2, while Trey Parker, Jenny Slate and Nev Scharrel (replacing Elsie Fisher as Agnes) join the cast.

Gru & his wife & partner at work Lucy are assigned to apprehend  Balthazar Bratt, a former child star turned evil, from stealing the world’s largest diamond. Bratt dances his way to MJ’s Bad onto a navy ship and steals the diamond but Gru is able to stop him but the villain gets away. Gru and Lucy are fired from the AVL by its unreasonable new director Valerie Da Vinci, following the retirement of Silas Ramsbottom. As Gru mops around disappointed in letting down his kids, he is visited by  Fritz, the butler of Gru’s cheerful twin brother Dru, who lives in a distant country named Freedonia and longs to meet him. Gru is shocked to learn he has a twin. He confronts his mother, who reveals that when she and her husband divorced, they agreed to keep one child each.

Gru, Lucy and the girls are greeted with much job by Dru and are amazed by his apparent wealth. Meanwhile the Minions, led by Mel, who had left the house as Dru refuses to return to villainy, get arrested for trespassing at a talent show set. Bratt manages to steal the diamond again, intending to use it to power a giant robot and destroy Hollywood as revenge for the cancellation of his show. Gru then tells Dru the family secret – the pig farm is just a front and their father’s super villainy is the real reason for their massive wealth. Dru was dismissed by their father as he was no good at being a villain and was seen as a disgrace. The brothers bond as they drive their father’s gadget filled car.

Lucy tries to balance her tasks as a mom, which she exhibits after turning away a young boy named Niko who had fallen for Margo in the midst of a traditional cheese festival, while Edith and Agnes stumble into a local tavern and learn from the bartender about a mythical unicorn which lurks in a commercial real estate loans interest rates nearby forest. Gru tries to convince Agnes that unicorns are imaginary, but decides against it to avoid hurting her feelings. The next day, Agnes and Edith set out into the woods to track the mythical horse, only to find a one-horned goat whom Agnes adopts and dubs “Lucky.” Meanwhile, the Minions’ longing for Gru motivates them to escape from prison. Gru goes to steal the diamond back from Bratt and Dru tags along almost ruining things.

Gru secretly intending to bring it to the AVL, which he hopes will convince Da Vinci to rehire him. Despite several setbacks, they manage to retrieve the diamond and are rescued by Lucy after narrowly escaping. After finding out Gru’s true motives, Dru confronts his brother about his lie. In return, Gru insults him and decides to leave Freedonia. Bratt, disguised as Lucy, kidnaps the children, and once again acquires the diamond. Gru and Dru resolve their differences and pursue him. Powering his large robot with the diamond, and superpowered gum, Bratt terrorizes Hollywood Lucy saves the children while Gru and Dru weaken Bratt’s robot with the weapons of their father’s car. Gru is knocked unconscious when the car is destroyed, and Dru manages to destroy the robot’s core from the inside when Bratt threatens to kill Gru.

When Gru recovers, he battles Bratt in a dance fight, using it as a distraction to grab his weaponized keytar, and defeats him. Having rendezvoused with Gru, the Minions manage to destroy the gum already covering the city, and Gru and Dru reunite. Soon afterward, Gru and Lucy are reinstated in the AVL and the newly united family celebrate in Gru’s home. Lucy is acknowledged by the children as their mother. Lured back to villainy, Dru and most of the minions steals Gru’s ship, with Gru’s emblem replaced with a “D” graffiti. Gru and Lucy decide to give them a five-minute head-start before engaging pursuit.

Funny and sweet, just like the others though I want more Minions, it is a good movie to watch even at midnight. I love it. 8.5 outta 10!

Clean Religious Jokes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

**********************************************************************

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”

“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation.

“Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.”

The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”

**********************************************************************

The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”

One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”

Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”

The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’ “

The Orville : The First 2 Episodes

Ok, so as a lot of you fellow scifi nerds may know, the Orville  is an American science fiction drama created by and starring Seth MacFarlane that premiered on September 10, 2017. The show is reminiscent of and is both an homage and a light-hearted parody of Star Trek, and as Seth has mentioned in an interview, also inspired by The Twilight Zone. Along with MacFarlane as captain Ed Mercer, we have Adrienne Palicki who plays his his ex-wife  Commander Kelly Grayson and the first officer assigned to The Orville, a mid-level exploratory ship, that operates for The Union, an inter-planetary group. The show is set 400 years in the future.

We also have Penny Johnson Gerald (who had a recurring role in Star Trek Deep Space Nine) as the Chief Medical Officer Dr. Claire Finn, Scott Grimes as Lt. Gordon Malloy the helmsman and best friend to Mercer, Peter Macon as Lt. Commander Bortus, the second officer and an androgynous alien, Halston Sage as Lt. Alara Kitan, 23-year-old Chief of Security, J. Lee as Lt. John LaMarr, the navigator & Mark Jackson as the voice of Isaac, the Science and Engineering Officer who is a member of the artificial, non-biological race from Kaylon-1 that views biological lifeforms, including humans are inferior.

So far we have had two episodes aired and I like it a lot. The second episode had a lot more depth to it than the first which was a bit of a let down.

In the pilot, 25th-century space pilot Ed Mercer, who has a promising career, divorces his wife Kelly Grayson after he catches her cheating on him. He starts drinking too much and turns up for work hungover. A year later, he accepts a position as Captain of the U.S.S. Orville, a mid-level exploratory ship, which came as a surprise even to him. But he is informed that due to the size of the fleet and the retirement of the former captain, the Orville, was in need of a new commanding officer. He also finds to his dismay that his ex-wife Kelly will serve as his First Officer. During the Orville’s first mission, the hostile alien Krill Captain attempt to steal a device that can accelerate time, which has both beneficial and dangerous applications. Mercer and Grayson rig the device to destroy itself and the Krill vessel.

In the second episode the technologically advanced Calivon imprison Ed and Kelly in a replica of their former home as a zoo exhibit. Alara is left in command of the Orville as Bortus has laid an egg and must incubate it. Alara is unsure of herself, but gains confidence with the help of Dr. Finn’s mentorship. Ed and Kelly wonder if they could have made their relationship work, but finally conclude that they were never compatible for a long-term romantic relationship, despite their strong camaraderie. Admiral Tucker orders Alara to return to Earth instead of approaching the powerful Calivon; Alara violates these orders and rescues Ed, Kelly, and an alien child by trading an archive of Earth’s reality television for them. Ed presents Alara with a medal of honor and believe he and Kelly can prevent her from being punished for insubordination. A female offspring hatches from Bortus’s egg, stunning him and Klyden as this is thought to be biologically impossible for the single-sex Moclans.

The show is scheduled for a 13 episode run during the first season and I hope we get a lot more. We could use some light-hearted comedic scifi and this Star Trek like show is the humurous offspring of the comedy classic Galaxy Quest.