Clean Religious Jokes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”

“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation.

“Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.”

The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”

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The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”

One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”

Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”

The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’ “

The Orville : The First 2 Episodes

Ok, so as a lot of you fellow scifi nerds may know, the Orville  is an American science fiction drama created by and starring Seth MacFarlane that premiered on September 10, 2017. The show is reminiscent of and is both an homage and a light-hearted parody of Star Trek, and as Seth has mentioned in an interview, also inspired by The Twilight Zone. Along with MacFarlane as captain Ed Mercer, we have Adrienne Palicki who plays his his ex-wife  Commander Kelly Grayson and the first officer assigned to The Orville, a mid-level exploratory ship, that operates for The Union, an inter-planetary group. The show is set 400 years in the future.

We also have Penny Johnson Gerald (who had a recurring role in Star Trek Deep Space Nine) as the Chief Medical Officer Dr. Claire Finn, Scott Grimes as Lt. Gordon Malloy the helmsman and best friend to Mercer, Peter Macon as Lt. Commander Bortus, the second officer and an androgynous alien, Halston Sage as Lt. Alara Kitan, 23-year-old Chief of Security, J. Lee as Lt. John LaMarr, the navigator & Mark Jackson as the voice of Isaac, the Science and Engineering Officer who is a member of the artificial, non-biological race from Kaylon-1 that views biological lifeforms, including humans are inferior.

So far we have had two episodes aired and I like it a lot. The second episode had a lot more depth to it than the first which was a bit of a let down.

In the pilot, 25th-century space pilot Ed Mercer, who has a promising career, divorces his wife Kelly Grayson after he catches her cheating on him. He starts drinking too much and turns up for work hungover. A year later, he accepts a position as Captain of the U.S.S. Orville, a mid-level exploratory ship, which came as a surprise even to him. But he is informed that due to the size of the fleet and the retirement of the former captain, the Orville, was in need of a new commanding officer. He also finds to his dismay that his ex-wife Kelly will serve as his First Officer. During the Orville’s first mission, the hostile alien Krill Captain attempt to steal a device that can accelerate time, which has both beneficial and dangerous applications. Mercer and Grayson rig the device to destroy itself and the Krill vessel.

In the second episode the technologically advanced Calivon imprison Ed and Kelly in a replica of their former home as a zoo exhibit. Alara is left in command of the Orville as Bortus has laid an egg and must incubate it. Alara is unsure of herself, but gains confidence with the help of Dr. Finn’s mentorship. Ed and Kelly wonder if they could have made their relationship work, but finally conclude that they were never compatible for a long-term romantic relationship, despite their strong camaraderie. Admiral Tucker orders Alara to return to Earth instead of approaching the powerful Calivon; Alara violates these orders and rescues Ed, Kelly, and an alien child by trading an archive of Earth’s reality television for them. Ed presents Alara with a medal of honor and believe he and Kelly can prevent her from being punished for insubordination. A female offspring hatches from Bortus’s egg, stunning him and Klyden as this is thought to be biologically impossible for the single-sex Moclans.

The show is scheduled for a 13 episode run during the first season and I hope we get a lot more. We could use some light-hearted comedic scifi and this Star Trek like show is the humurous offspring of the comedy classic Galaxy Quest.

The Final Girls

The Final Girls is a 2015 American slasher comedy film, directed by Todd Strauss-Schulson and written by M.A. Fortin and Joshua John Miller. The film stars Taissa Farmiga and Malin Åkerman, with supporting performances from Adam DeVine, Thomas Middleditch, Alia Shawkat, Alexander Ludwig, Nina Dobrev, Chloe Bridges, and Angela Trimbur. It an homage to 80s style slasher flicks and camp horror but especially Friday the 13th and Jason Vorheese.

Amanda Cartright is a struggling actress who got typecast because of her role in an 80s slasher flick called Camp Bloodbath. As it is cult classic, even several years later she is unable to get better roles and after yet another audition where the producers know her from the horror flick, she complains about her career to her teenage daughter Max. As the two sing in the car, Max accidentally drops her drink onto Amanda’s portfolio and headshots and this distracts her and they have an accident. Amanda dies but Max survives. Three years later, her best friend Gertie’s step-brother Duncan, who is a horror film fan asks Max to show up at a double bill showing of Camp Bloodbath and its sequel, Camp Bloodbath 2: Cruel Summer.

Despite it being Amanda’s death anniversary Max reluctantly agrees and goes to the theatre with her Chris, who she is interested in and Gertie. Chris’s ex-girlfriend Vickie is also there as is Duncan. During the movie there is an accidental fire which causes panic. Using a machete that was there as a prop, Max cuts through the screen and her group all step through. They find themselves waking up in broad daylight and in the woods. A van pulls over and they realize that the Every 92 minutes, they encounter a van with two characters from Camp Bloodbath, and realize they have somehow been transported inside the movie. The group awkwardly pass themselves off as new camp counselors, and hitch a ride to camp and Amanda’s character Nancy wakes up from sleep in the back of the van which shocks Max.

Realizing that they must let the film run it’s course, they let the first couple of murders happen without interference, but when Duncan is killed by the film’s machete-wielding villain Billy Murphy, they realize that they too run the risk of becoming victims. The group decides to stop the cast from having sex, as whenever someone does so in Camp Bloodbath, they fall prey to Billy’s machete. Chris distracts Kurt, while Max persuades Nancy to stay a virgin. Vicki sticks with Paula, the movie’s final girl and Gertie bonds with Blake, a counselor. When Gertie brings up the topic of Billy Murphy, the counselors are alerted to the fact that the “urban legend” of Billy is “real” and will come to kill them. In a panic, the counselors try to flee the camp. Kurt and Paula drive off, but when Duncan emerges still alive, the car hits him then crashes into a totem pole, resulting in their deaths.

Now aware that the characters who originally survived the movie can die, Max and the others decide to save anyone they can. They dress Tina in a life jacket and mittens, to prevent her from undressing. They also decide that Max, the only remaining virgin, is the new final girl, and plot to get Billy’s machete into her hands so she can kill him and end the film. Meanwhile, Max and Nancy bond, and theorize that, if Nancy survives the movie, she can go back home with Max and be whomever she wants. The group booby trap the cabin, then Tina lures Billy to them by performing a striptease. Tina panics and is killed when a trip wire sends her headfirst into a bear trap. Blake, Vicki and Gertie are killed fighting Billy. Chris, Nancy, and Max flee the cabin, and Billy chases after them. Chris is stabbed, and Billy kidnaps Nancy. Max finds her at Billy’s barn hideout, and the two women fight him, which results in Max getting stabbed, before they both escape.

After the two retreat to the chapel, Max tells Nancy that her real life counterpart is Max’s mother. They bid each other a tearful farewell before Nancy sacrifices herself by luring Billy with a striptease. Max collapses, but, now the final girl, she awakens with the power to kill Billy. They fight and she eventually decapitates him with his own machete. A wounded Chris arrives and the two kiss, while Camp Bloodbath‘s closing credits play in the sky. Later, Max wakes to find herself in the hospital, where she is reunited with her friends. The group hears Billy Murphy’s approach tune, and realize they are in the sequel, Camp Bloodbath 2: Cruel Summer. Billy crashes through the glass doors of the hospital as the title appears. Using a drip stand as a weapon, Max lunges at Billy, before the film abruptly ends.

Funny, campy and as well as heart-felt homage to slasher films of the 80s, the film resonated with horror enthusiasts as well as comedy fans. I give this a 7.5 outta 10!

Baywatch (2017)

Baywatch is a 2017 American action comedy film directed by Seth Gordon and based on the television series of the same name. Written by Mark Swift and Damian Shannon, the film stars Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Priyanka Chopra, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Rohrbach and Jon Bass. The plot follows lifeguard Mitch Buchannon and his team, who in an effort to save their beach have to take down a druglord.

Ok, so this is a basically a kind of reboot of the Baywatch show with the same character names but totally different characters. Dwayne Johnson is Mitch Buchanan, a muscle bound LT in the lifeguard section that protects the beach and the people who visit and swim there. He is not the same Mitch but there is another Mitch (with a brief cameo by David Hassellhoff) who was this Mitch’s mentor. Basically the character is The Rock in red! Zac Effron plays Matt Brody, a former Olympic gold medal swimmer who fell from grace to grass after vomiting during a relay race and now has to perform community service as part of an unspecified plea deal. Brody is an attitude laden, smug and arrogant but he has a point to prove. His initial interactions with the rest of the lifeguards do not go well but he is given another chance by Mitch.

We have second-in-commmand Stephanie Holden (Ilfenesh Hadera) and veteran C. J. Parker (Kelly Rohrbach), and joining them are the three new recruits – surfer Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario), an old friend of Holden’s, Ronnie (Jon Bass), a chubby nerd with a crush on C. J. (that is gradually returned), and Brody. These guys also think that other than just “saving lives” they should also be the law and investigate murders and drug smuggling! The villain is played by Priyanka Chopra as Victoria Leeds! First of all, her accent has improved but not by much. Second of all, I was so satisfied when she got blown away (since I cannot stand Little Miss Faker). She is a wealthy businesswoman who is smuggling in drugs and will go to any lengths to get what she wants.

The movie has a few laughs but the gross teenager aimed dick jokes and vomit jokes is getting lame when you have 40-plus lead actor and Effron is 29 now. The acting is barely there, the plot simple and they are trying too hard for the laughs. The cliched reasons why Brody changes his ways and becomes part of the team or “family” is so outdated. It’s a half-hearted attempt to bring the franchise to the big screen. Props for getting two small cameos by Hassellhoff and Pamela Anderson. I give the film a 6.5 outta 10!

RIP Jerry Lewis

Jerry Lewis, the comedian and filmmaker who was adored by many, disdained by others, but unquestionably a defining figure of American entertainment in the 20th century, died on Sunday morning at his home in Las Vegas. He was 91. His death was confirmed by his publicist, Candi Cazau.

Mr. Lewis knew success in movies, on television, in nightclubs, on the Broadway stage and in the university lecture hall. His career had its ups and downs, but when it was at its zenith there were few stars any bigger. And he got there remarkably quickly. Barely out of his teens, he shot to fame shortly after World War II with a nightclub act in which the rakish, imperturbable Dean Martin crooned and the skinny, hyperactive Mr. Lewis capered around the stage, a dangerously volatile id to Mr. Martin’s supremely relaxed ego. After his break with Mr. Martin in 1956, Mr. Lewis went on to a successful solo career, eventually writing, producing and directing many of his own films. As a spokesman for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, Mr. Lewis raised vast sums for charity; as a filmmaker of great personal force and technical skill, he made many contributions to the industry, including the invention in 1960 of a device — the video assist, which allowed directors to review their work immediately on the set — still in common use.

Jerry Lewis was born on March 16, 1926, in Newark. Most sources, including his 1982 autobiography, “Jerry Lewis: In Person,” give his birth name as Joseph Levitch. But Shawn Levy, author of the exhaustive 1996 biography “King of Comedy: The Life and Art of Jerry Lewis,” unearthed a birth record that gave his first name as Jerome. In 1944 — a 4F classification kept him out of the war — he was performing at the Downtown Theater in Detroit when he met Patti Palmer, a 23-year-old singer. Three months later they were married, and on July 31, 1945, while Patti was living with Jerry’s parents in Newark and he was performing at a Baltimore nightclub, she gave birth to the first of the couple’s six sons, Gary, who in the 1960s had a series of hit records with his band Gary Lewis and the Playboys. The couple divorced in 1980.

Between his first date with Ms. Palmer and the birth of his first son, Mr. Lewis had met Dean Martin, a promising young crooner from Steubenville, Ohio. The two men made many appearances on early live television, their first on the June 20, 1948, debut broadcast of Toast of the Town on CBS (later officially renamed The Ed Sullivan Show on September 25, 1955). This was followed on October 3, 1948, by an appearance on the NBC series Welcome Aboard, then a stint as the first of a series of hosts of The Colgate Comedy Hour in 1950. Just before appearing on The Colgate Comedy Hour, Lewis hired Norman Lear and Ed Simmons to become regular writers for the Martin and Lewis bits. The duo began their Paramount film careers as ensemble players in My Friend Irma (1949), based on the popular radio series of the same name. This was followed by a sequel My Friend Irma Goes West (1950).

Starting with At War with the Army (1950), Martin and Lewis were the stars of their own vehicles in fourteen additional titles, That’s My Boy (1951), Sailor Beware (1952), Jumping Jacks (1952; also appearing in the Crosby and Hope film, Road to Bali as cameos), The Stooge (1952), Scared Stiff (1953), The Caddy (1953), Money from Home (1953), Living It Up (1954), 3 Ring Circus (1954), You’re Never Too Young (1955), Artists and Models (1955) and Pardners (1956) at Paramount, ending with Hollywood or Bust (1956). All sixteen movies were produced by Hal B. Wallis. Attesting to the comedy team’s popularity, DC Comics published the best-selling The Adventures of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis comics from 1952 to 1957.  As Martin’s roles in their films became less important over time, the partnership came under strain. Martin’s participation became an embarrassment in 1954 when Look magazine published a publicity photo of the team for the magazine cover but cropped Martin out. The partnership ended on July 24, 1956.

Lewis remained at Paramount and became a comedy star in his own right with his first film as a solo comic, The Delicate Delinquent (1957). Meanwhile, DC Comics published a new comic book series titled The Adventures of Jerry Lewis, running from 1957 to 1971. Teaming with director Frank Tashlin, whose background as a Warner Bros. Looney Tunes cartoon director suited Lewis’s brand of humor, he starred in five more films, The Sad Sack (1957), Rock-A-Bye Baby (195, The Geisha Boy (195, Don’t Give Up The Ship (1959) and even appeared uncredited as Itchy McRabbitt in Li’l Abner (1959). By the end of his contract with producer Hal B. Wallis, Lewis had several productions of his own under his belt. In 1959, a contract between Paramount Pictures and Jerry Lewis Productions was signed specifying a payment of $10 million plus 60% of the profits for 14 films over a seven-year period.[21] In 1960, Lewis finished his contract with Wallis with Visit to a Small Planet (1960) and wrapped up work on his own production Cinderfella, which was postponed for a Christmas 1960 release and Paramount, needing a quickie feature film for its summer 1960 schedule, held Lewis to his contract to produce one.

Lewis came up with The Bellboy (1960).  Lewis followed The Bellboy by directing several more films that he co-wrote with Richmond while some were directed by Tashlin, including The Ladies Man(1961), The Errand Boy (1961), It’s Only Money (1962) and The Nutty Professor (1963). Lewis did a cameo appearance in It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963). Further on, more Lewis films were Who’s Minding the Store? (1963), The Patsy (1964) and The Disorderly Orderly (1964). Also in 1961, Lewis guest starred in an episode of The Garry Moore Show. Lewis hosted two different versions of The Jerry Lewis Show (a 1963 lavish, big-budget 13-week show for ABC and a 1967 one-hour variety show for NBC). Lewis directed and co-wrote The Family Jewels (1965) about a young heiress who must choose among six uncles, one of whom is up to no good and out to harm the girl’s beloved bodyguard who practically raised her. Lewis played all six uncles and the bodyguard. Lewis would next appear in Boeing Boeing (1965).

Also in 1965, Lewis made television appearances on Ben Casey, The Andy Williams Show and Hullabaloo. Lewis packed up and went to Columbia Pictures, where he made Three On A Couch (1966), then appeared in Way…Way Out (1966) for 20th Century Fox. During 1966, Lewis guest starred in Batman, Password and in a pilot for Sheriff Who. Lewis continued with more movies, such as The Big Mouth (1967) and Don’t Raise the Bridge, Lower the River (196. He continued to act in the 70s but didn’t appear in a film for 11 years returned to film in Hardly Working (1981), a movie in which he both directed and starred. Despite being panned by critics, it eventually earned $50 million. Lewis next appeared in Martin Scorsese’s film The King of Comedy (1983). Lewis guest hosted SNL and also appeared in Cracking Up a.k.a. Smorgasbord (1983) and Slapstick (Of Another Kind) (1984). In France, Lewis starred in both To Catch a Cop a.k.a. The Defective Detective (1984) and How Did You Get In? We Didn’t See You Leave (1984).

In 2012, Lewis directed a musical theatre version of The Nutty Professor at the Tennessee Performing Arts Center in Nashville from July 31 to August 19 over the summer. In Brazil, Lewis appeared in Till Luck Do Us Part 2 (2013). He then next starred in a small role in the crime drama The Trust (2016). Lewis made a comeback in a lead role in Max Rose (2016). Lewis was married twice: Patti Palmer, a former singer with Ted Fio Rito; married October 3, 1944, divorced September 1980; SanDee Pitnick; married February 13, 1983; a 32-year-old Las Vegas dancer; married in Key Biscayne, Florida. He had six sons (one adopted) and one daughter (adopted).

CHiPs

CHiPs is a 2017 American action comedy buddy cop film written and directed by Dax Shepard,[4] based on the 1977–1983 television series of the same name created by Rick Rosner. The film stars Shepard as Officer Jon Baker and Michael Peña as Frank “Ponch” Poncherello, with Rosa Salazar, Adam Brody and Vincent D’Onofrio in supporting roles.

This film is an attempt to bring back the fun of the late 70s to early 80s cop show CHiPs which started Eric Estrada & Larry Wilcox. Now you take away the light hearted, action, crime and drama with family viewers in mind and you bring in physical humour, low brow gags, crude jokes and nudity for the sake of nudity. Hey, if done well that stuff can work but it is just done wrong here. Still I thought the action sequences, bike and car chases and such were done well.

Tough guy FBI agent Castillo sent on an undercover job as a highway patrol officer in LA is partnered with a rookie cop, Jon Baker, who is the oldest rookie cop trying to make it as a cop and win back his wife who has lost interest in him after his glory days as a former freestyle motocross racer beginning a new career after his body has been left damaged by his sport. He is on a regimen of pain killers and is living in the guest house, after he and his wife separated when he lost his sponsors. Castillo’s undercover name is  Frank “Ponch” Poncherello and he too is underfire for having shot his partner while apprehending a criminal. Despite his goofyness and being a rookie, Jon has astute observational skills and impresses his partner in a few days.  The corrupt officers are seen being led by Lt. Ray Kurtz, who is stealing the money from armored cars to get his heroin-addicted son out of Los Angeles. Ponch argues with his new partner over whether Baker’s wife is unfaithful, while Baker gives Ponch unsolicited advice on what he perceives to be a sex addiction. Ponch is fired from the FBI when he ruins the investigation of another agent in which a suspect is killed.

However, he is sworn into the CHP when he and Baker identify the dead suspect as Ray Kurtz’ son. Kurtz sets a trap for them by kidnapping Baker’s wife. Baker knows it is a trap but persuades Ponch to go anyway, despite the fact that loans in his wife has just sold their home without his approval. After successfully rounding up the gang of corrupt officers and killing Kurtz, Ponch decides to remain in the CHP.

The movie tanked at the box office and was panned by critics. I found a couple of scenes funny and the bike chases good. A 6 outta 10!

That First Drink

Do you remember your first sip of alcohol? Of any kind? This is irrespective of whether you are a drinker now or if you don’t indulge at all.

When I was 15 I drank some whiskey by accident. I had just come back from school and I had changed my clothes as I was going out with an uncle to pick up by dad at the railway station. So I got ready and came down and just before we left, I rushed to the fridge and grabbed a bottle to drink some cold water, opened it and poured some down my throat – only to spit it out!

You see it wasn’t water but whiskey! I felt the burning sensation as it hit my tongue and throat and out came everything. The reason I took that bottle by mistake was we had this rather looking whiskey bottle which had a cork instead of a regular bottle cap. Once the bottle was empty of whiskey my mother had rinsed it out and washed it thoroughly and we used to keep it our fridge filled with water. It was my favourite bottle to drink water from as I rather liked the cork style bottles.

The culprit was my uncle who had come in my home that morning with a brand new bottle of the same distillery. He meant to keep it for my dad but also had a little himself in the afternoon while he was visiting with my mom, his sister. The rest he meant to keep it for dad. And I hadn’t noticed that there were two same bottles in the fridge and picked the one that I saw and got a nasty surprise. And that’s how I had my first taste of alcohol!

Kingsman: The Secret Service

Kingsman: The Secret Service is a 2014 British spy action-comedy film directed by Matthew Vaughn, and based on the comic book The Secret Service, created by Dave Gibbons and Mark Millar. The screenplay was written by Vaughn and Jane Goldman. It follows the recruitment and training of a potential secret agent, Gary “Eggsy” Unwin (Taron Egerton), into a secret spy organisation. Eggsy joins a mission to tackle a global threat from Richmond Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson), a wealthy megalomaniac. The film also stars Colin Firth, Mark Strong, and Michael Caine.

Kingsman is a secret service that is so secret that most people don’t even know about it. Harry Hart, code-named “Galahad”, delivers the news about the death of probationary secret agent Lee Unwin, who gave his life to save his team including Hart, to Unwins’s wife Michelle. He also gives Lee’s young son, Gary “Eggsy”, saying that if they ever need help, they should call the phone number (which is the date of Lee’s death) on the back of the medal. Seventeen years later, Professor James Arnold is kidnapped by Internet billionaire and philanthropist Richmond Valentine. One of Hart’s fellow agents, “Lancelot”, attempts a rescue single-handed, but is killed by Gazelle, Valentine’s henchwoman, who wears prosthetic legs that are sharpened to an edge. Gazelle releases Arnold, who then meets with Valentine.

Eggsy is now an unemployed young adult living with his mother, infant half-sister, and abusive stepfather, Dean. Despite being highly intelligent and capable, he left training for the Royal Marines and lives the aimless life of a stereotypical chav.Eggsy is trouble with the law having stolen the car of his mother’s lover’s son who bullies him and his friends. On calling the number given to him by Hart, he is released from the police station and is met up by Hart, who has been keeping tabs on the young man.  With Lancelot’s death, the agency has a vacancy. Eggsy agrees to be Hart’s candidate. Eggsy tries out with a few other candidates, all chosen by the members of kingsman and in a series of tests is one of two selected to the final. He loses out on the role as he refuses to shoot the pug he was given to take care off, unaware that the bullets were blanks and a woman named Roxy, whom he had befriended, wins the trials to become the new Galahad.

During this time, Merlin notes that Arnold is no longer missing. Hart tries to extract information from the professor, but a chip implanted in Arnold’s head explodes, killing him. Hart is injured escaping from unknown assailants. Meanwhile, Valentine secretly meets with various powerful individuals, some of whom go missing afterwards. He also announces a giveaway of SIM cards, which grant unlimited free cellular and Internet service. With all roads leading to Valentine, Hart poses as a billionaire interested in investing Valentine’s ventures but he is not fooling the villain. Hart tracks Valentine to an obscure hate group’s church in Kentucky. Valentine uses his SIM cards to broadcast a tone that causes everyone in the church to become uncontrollably violent. A brawl to the death erupts, during which Hart massacres most of the people in the church, leaving him as the only survivor. As Eggsy, Merlin – the trainer – and Chester King — Kingsman’s leader, code-named “Arthur” — watch via the video link, Valentine shoots Hart in the head.

Eggsy meets Arthur and lilly cialis notices that Arthur has a scar behind his ear, just like Valentine’s other converts. Arthur pours Eggsy brandy containing a radio-triggered poison, but Eggsy distracts Arthur and switches the glasses before they drink. Arthur explains Valentine’s views: humanity is akin to a virus, and global warming is the Earth’s equivalent of a fever. Valentine intends to broadcast his “neurological wave” worldwide to cause a massive culling of the human race to rescue it from extinction. Only those whom Valentine deems worthy of living — his allies, who have protective microchips implanted in their heads, and the VIPs he kidnapped — will be spared. Eggsy refuses to join Arthur, who activates the poison he has unwittingly consumed, killing himself. Merlin gets Roxy and recruits Eggsy to infiltrate Valentine’s lair. As Roxy goes after Valentine’s satellite Eggsy and Merlin infiltrate Valentine’s mountain bunker complex in northern Siberia.

Eggsy is recognised and engages in a running shootout with Valentine’s henchmen. Eventually, both he and Merlin are cornered separately, but at Eggsy’s suggestion, Merlin hacks into Valentine’s system and triggers the implants’ failsafe. Valentine’s henchmen and all his converts’ heads explode into fireworks, leaving only Valentine and Gazelle. Eggsy kills Gazelle after a fierce and intense fight, and then spears Valentine with the sharpened tip of Gazelle’s prosthetic leg. A dying Valentine falls to the ground floor, removing his palm print from the activation pad, terminating the signal. In a mid-credits scene, Eggsy, now a Kingsman agent, offers his mother and half-sister a new home away from Dean, who flatly objects to Eggsy’s suggestion. Eggsy then dispatches him in exactly the same manner that Hart dealt with one of Dean’s henchmen earlier.

So a secret agent film that does not take itself seriously and mixes humour with fast paced action scenes and fights. It’s like a parody of James Bond and the secret agents stuff and it’s fun and silly. I would give it a 7.5 outta 10! Had it been a Hollywood film it wouldn’t have worked as well.

Rings

Rings is a 2017 American supernatural psychological horror film directed by F. Javier Gutiérrez, written by David Loucka, Jacob Aaron Estes and Akiva Goldsman and starring Matilda Lutz, Alex Roe, Johnny Galecki, Vincent D’Onofrio, Aimee Teegarden and Bonnie Morgan. It is the third film in The Ring series. The film takes place thirteen years after the events of the 2002 film.

We start of the movie with a passenger, Carter, on a plane who tells a young woman named Faith hat he has watched Samara Morgan’s cursed videotape. Faith tells another passenger Kelly, who reveals she has seen the tape too. She asks Carter if he made a copy and after learning he hasn’t, the airplane begins to malfunction as Samara comes for Carter and eventually causes the plane to crash. Two years later Holt is off to college and says bye to his girlfriend Julia who later gets upset when he stops contacting her.  She is inspired to find him when a panicked girl, Skye, contacts her, asking for Holt’s whereabouts. Julia meets Gabriel and finds a group of people known as “The Sevens”, who are involved in an experiment involving the cursed video, watching and filming themselves, before passing the task to another person, called a “tail”.

Julia recognizes Skye, who takes her to her apartment to have her watch the video, but Holt warns her not to. Julia locks herself in the bathroom as Samara kills Syke, her tail having been late. Holt reveals that he has watched the tape as well and has twelve hours left. Unwilling to let Holt die, Julia watches his copy and when she picks up the phone, she experiences a vision of a door. The phone burns a mark on her hand. Gabriel notices Julia’s copy of the video cannot be copied and is larger than usual. He discovers extra images within the tape and Julia watches the new footage, which features a mysterious woman: she realizes they must cremate Samara’s physical remains. Gabriel sends them to the town Sacrament Valley, where Samara was given a proper burial after the residents of Moesko Island refused to accept the remains. He realizes the mark on Julia’s hand is Braille, translates it, and goes to warn them. Julia and Holt find an unmarked tomb, but when they break in, they find it empty. They are caught and taken to a blind man named Burke, who claims Samara’s body was entombed by the local priest but a flood came, leading the priest to bury her in a potter’s field outside town.

Heading for the field, Julia and Holt are stopped due to a car crash and learn Gabriel was involved. He tries to warn Julia of his discovery but is fatally electrocuted by a falling utility pole. After experiencing a vision of Samara’s birth mother, Evelyn, Julia and Holt return to town. Julia goes to the church and discovers a hidden chamber beneath the bell tower, finding evidence that Evelyn was imprisoned there whilst pregnant, held in captivity by the priest after being raped before she escaped eight months into the pregnancy. Julia visits Burke and explains her findings. He attacks her, revealing he was not only the priest but Samara’s biological father, and had blinded himself to escape the reach of his daughter’s powers. Julia pushes him down the stairs, temporarily incapacitating him. Holt rushes to Burke’s house, where he is knocked unconscious. Julia is drawn to a room in the house where she discovers Samara’s skeleton behind a wall. Burke appears and tries to choke her to death to prevent her from cremating her remains, which he claims would unleash an unspeakable evil upon the world.

He also reveals that Julia was the twelfth person to have attempted to cremate her remains; the previous ones have been killed by Burke. Suddenly, a swarm of cicadas fly in, summoning Samara through Julia’s phone. Samara removes Burke’s blindness and promptly kills him. Holt recovers and rushes to Julia’s aid. That night, he and Julia cremate Samara’s corpse, in an attempt to appease her spirit for once and for all, and return home. While Julia is in the shower, Holt notices a voicemail from Gabriel, who warns him of the Braille. Holt translates it, discovering it means “rebirth”. In the bathroom, Julia peels away the skin where the mark was, revealing gray skin underneath. She begins to cough up black hair, from which a cicada is born. Meanwhile, Julia’s copy of the cursed video is sent to everyone on her contact list, which becomes viral, despite Holt’s futile attempts to disconnect the computer. Samara is successfully reborn as Julia sees Samara’s face in the mirror instead of her own.

It’s not very original and not very scary. It’s more of the same and though the cast is good, but the plot is muddled and this whole trying to explain too much of the mythology makes it a bit of boring mixed with some “huh?”. It’s an ok attempt to expand the story. I give it a 6.5 outta 10!

The Boss Baby

The Boss Baby is a 2017 American computer-animated comedy film loosely based on the 2010 picture book of the same name written and illustrated by Marla Frazee and produced by DreamWorks Animation. It was directed by Tom McGrath and written by Michael McCullers, and stars the voices of Alec Baldwin as the title character, Miles Bakshi, Steve Buscemi, Jimmy Kimmel, Lisa Kudrow, and Tobey Maguire.

So apparently I did not know where babies come from. Babies come from some kind of heavenly abode which has a sort of factory kind of thing where babies are separated as either to go to a family or to go to management. Our main character, Theodore Lindsey Templeton (a.k.a The Boss Baby) is one such baby. After he has been powdered on his bum, given baby booties, a pacifier and diapers the machine judges him to be management material and not suited for a family as he does not giggle joyfully when tickled. He is later sent to a family, the Templetons, and pretends to be a baby. The older son Tim is surprised when an infant wearing a business suit shows up in a taxi at his house, and Ted and Janice call him Tim’s little brother. Tim is envious of the attention the baby receives, not to mention suspicious when the infant acts odd around him.

Tim soon finds out that Ted can talk so he introduces himself as “The loans on mobile homes Boss”. Seeing an opportunity to be rid of him, Tim decides to record a conversation between the Boss Baby and other toddlers who are at Tim’s house for a meeting (under the guise of a play date by the parents) to do something about how puppies are receiving more love than babies. The Boss Baby and the other infants catch Tim with the recording, and the tape is terminated after the Boss Baby threatens to tear up Tim’s favorite stuffed animal. With no evidence to support him, Tim is grounded by his parents for his actions. Ted calls a truce with Tim when he sees him sad and crying and transports him to Baby Corp, a place where infants with adult-like minds work to preserve infant love everywhere. The Boss Baby explains that he was sent to see why puppies are getting more love than infants. He has infiltrated Tim’s residence because his parents work for Puppy Co., which is unleashing a new puppy on the day that employees take their children to work.

The Boss Baby stays intelligent by drinking a “Secret Baby Formula” that enables a baby to act like an adult. However, if a baby does not drink commercial real estate loans interest rates it after a period of time, he or she becomes a regular baby. When they overhear Boss Baby’s boss threaten to fire him for not bringing in information, thereby stranding him at the Templetons, he and Tim agree to work together to keep that from happening. Tim’s parents take them to Puppy Co. for “take your child to work day”. While there, they slip away and find what they think is the plans for a “Forever Puppy”, but it turns out to be a trap set by founder Francis E. Francis. They discover that Francis used to be the head of Baby Corp. and Boss Baby’s idol but was forced out when it was discovered that his lactose intolerance kept the secret formula from working properly. Vowing revenge, Francis founded Puppy Corp. and intends to have the Forever Puppies overshadow babies by stealing Boss Baby’s serum bottle and infecting the puppies with it. Tim’s parents go with Francis to Las Vegas, and Francis has his brother Eugene pose as Tim and Boss Baby’s babysitter to keep them from interfering.

Without a steady flow of formula to keep his intelligence in check, Boss Baby starts becoming a normal baby. Despite this, he and Tim evade the “babysitter” long enough to get to the airport but are too late to intercept Tim’s parents. After sneaking on a plane for Elvis impersonators bound for Vegas, they stall Francis’ presentation when Eugene unwittingly gives away their plan.

Furious at their interference, Francis locks Tim’s parents up so he can burn them with exhaust from a rocket used to launch the Forever Puppies. Tim and Boss Baby push him off of a ledge, making Francis tumble into the formula. Boss Baby opens the rocket to let the dogs out so they can save Tim’s parents. He returns to baby state while on the rocket, but Tim sings to him with the family song to show his appreciation, causing him to jump off the rocket before it launches. Boss Baby gets promoted and leaves. Tim goes back to being an only child, but Tim and Boss Baby miss each other. Boss Baby returns to the Templeton family as a regular baby named Theodore Lindsey. Back in the present, Tim, who finished the story, is now an adult and the father of an infant daughter who acts like Theodore did when he was Boss Baby.

I found it hilarious, neat, cool, adorable and sweet! I enjoyed it a lot and I almost want to be a bad credit unsecured loans instant decision baby again! Yeah! 8.5 outta 10!