A new young priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. He delivered his first homily in a monotone, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I’m worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put vodka instead of water in a glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. That always calms me down.”
So next Sunday, the novice priest took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink from the “water” glass. It worked! He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the Mass, he found a note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper. he said, “Take this and eat it, for this is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff is a 1949 horror comedy film directed by Charles Barton and starring Abbott and Costello and Boris Karloff. In 1956, the film was re-released by Realart Pictures as a double feature with Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. Two employees of a secluded hotel investigate a murder on the premises in which the goofy bellboy is the prime suspect. Swami Talpur tries to hypnotize Freddie into confessing, but Freddie is too stupid for the plot to work. Inspector Wellman uses Freddie to get the real killer.
Chizzie and Rita go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and Rita goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces Rita and kisses her passionately. Rita shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to Chizzie and says, “This is what Rita needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
Chizzie thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays, I gotta herd sheep.”
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.” Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?” Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.” Pharmacist: “WHAT?” Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!” Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?” Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!” Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was “comfortable underwear.” Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?”
“Hold them up and imagine them on me,” she said. “If you smile, put them back.”
The third season of the comedy-drama science fiction television series The Orville, also known as The Orville: New Horizons, premiered on June 2, 2022. Along with creator Seth MacFarlane returning as Capt. Ed Mercer, we also have the rest of the cast coming back after a gap of 3 years. Adrianne Palicki as Cmdr. Kelly Grayson, Penny Johnson Jerald as Dr. Claire Finn, Scott Grimes as Lt. Gordon Malloy, Peter Macon as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus, Jessica Szohr as Lt. Talla Keyali, J Lee as Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr & Mark Jackson as Isaac. New cast member Anne Winters joins up as Ens. Charly Burke.
The late Norm Macdonald completed voiceover work as Lt. Yaphit prior to his death in September 2021, making it his final role. The premiere was dedicated to his memory. Filming began in October 2019 but was halted due to COVID-19, and production ultimately completed in August 2021. his season will be the first on Hulu, after airing its previous two seasons on Fox, as well as the first to premiere since The Walt Disney Company’s March 2019 acquisition of 20th Century Fox. This season will consist of 10 episodes, fewer than the previous two seasons, but each episode will run on average 12 to 15 minutes longer.
Piranha 3D is a 2010 American 3D horror comedy film that serves as a loose remake of the comedy horror film Piranha (1978) and an entry in the Piranha film series. During spring break on Lake Victoria, a popular waterside resort, an underground tremor releases hundreds of prehistoric, carnivorous piranhas into the lake. Local cop Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue) must join forces with a band of unlikely strangers—though they are badly outnumbered—to destroy the ravenous creatures before everyone becomes fish food.
Directed by Alexandre Aja, the film stars Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Jerry O’Connell, Ving Rhames, Jessica Szohr, Steven R. McQueen, Christopher Lloyd and Richard Dreyfuss. A sequel, Piranha 3DD, was released in 2012. Piranha 3D received generally positive reviews, with film critics praising it as a fun and entertaining B-movie.
A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down. Scout Leader “There aren’t enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!”
Lawyer “Fuck the children!”
Priest “Do you think there’s time?”
The mob was gearing up to stone the adulteress when Jesus strides between her and the crowd and stares the mob down. “Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone” he cries, and at this the mob starts to look ashamed and shuffle away.
Then an old woman pushes her way to the front and throws a large rock at the adulteress. At this the crowd goes wild and everyone joins in and starts throwing rocks.
Jesus turns to the old woman and sighs… “fuck, mum, you always have to spoil it.”
So Jesus and Moses are walking through the desert when they come upon the red sea. Moses cracks his knuckles and says, “check this out Jesus i still got it.” He slams his staff on the ground and with plenty of pomp and circumstance the sea parts. Jesus tells Moses, “ya well you aren’t the only one who can still show off.” And begins walking out on the water he gets about halfway out and starts to sink if it weren’t for Moses he would have likely drown. When he gets him back to shore Moses consoles the savior of mankind, “don’t worry about it Jesus last time you tried that stunt you didn’t have holes in your feet.”
Write a Post on Your Favorite Television Shows from Childhood
I love this prompt. However, as a big lover of tv shows, I couldn’t keep it to just 5. So…….I decided to do it in different genres. This list will be all shows I watched and were heavily into during my pre-teen years. Today will be sitcoms and then I think I will do a top 5 for dramas/action oriented and science fiction as well as one for cartoons. Oooh the cartoons are going to be very difficult to do. Anyways, here is my list in no particular order:
One of my favourite memories is about watching the sitcom Gimme A Break which ran from for six seasons from October 29, 1981, to May 12, 1987. Although I do not think I have watched the last 2 seasons, this show is big in my family’s memories and, along with the second show in this list, form the first 2 sitcoms that I have ever watched. The series starred Nell Carter as the housekeeper for a widowed police chief (Dolph Sweet) and his three daughters – played by Kari Michaelsen, Lauri Hendler & Lara Jill Miller – as well as the adopted son played by Joey Lawrence (seasons 3-6). I also had my first ever innocent crush at the wee age of 6 or 7 on Kari.
Mind Your Language is a British sitcom that premiered on ITV in 1977. It was produced by London Weekend Television and directed by Stuart Allen. Three series were made by the London Weekend Television between 1977 and 1979 and briefly revived in 1985 (or 1986 in most ITV regions) with six of the original cast. The series shows people of different countries with different social background, religions, and languages existing in the same classroom, learning English as a foreign language.
Silver Spoons is an American sitcom television series that September 25, 1982, to May 11, 1986The show focuses on the wealthy playboy Edward Stratton III, and his relationship with his young son Ricky Stratton. Ricky was the product of a brief marriage between Edward and Ricky’s mother. Edward was unaware that he had a son until Ricky comes to live with Edward at the outset of the series. The main cast stars Joel Higgins as Edward, Ricky Schroder as Ricky, Leonard Lightfoot as Edward’s attorney, Franklyn Seales as Edward’s business manager, and Erin Gray as Edward’s personal assistant and later love interest. Jason Bateman plays Ricky’s best friend over the first two seasons of the show, replaced by Alfonso Ribeiro over the remaining seasons. John Houseman plays Edward’s dour and disapproving father.
Small Wonder is an American children’s comedy science fiction sitcom that aired in first-run syndication from September 7, 1985, to May 20, 1989. The show chronicles the family of a robotics engineer who secretly creates a robot modeled after a human girl, then tries to pass it off as their adopted daughter, Vicki. The series turned out to be a surprise hit, specifically amongst the kid section, as many channels belonging to different nations witnessed while re-running the show. Owing to its popularity in some countries, the show had to be dubbed for different languages.
You Again? is an American sitcom television series that aired for two seasons on NBC from February 27, 1986 to January 7, 1987. It was based on the British show Home to Roost. Jack Klugman stars as Henry Willows, a man still embittered from his divorce ten years earlier, who had made no effort to see his son Matt (John Stamos) during that time. Henry had become fairly comfortable with his life as a supermarket manager and was not really looking to make major changes to it when Matt arrived looking to stay with his father, whom he hardly knew anymore. Matt was an ill-mannered but quite attractive youth who was very popular with the girls. He drove the gruff Henry almost over the edge, but of course in the end familial ties conquered all differences in sitcom tradition.
Honoroble mentions : Different Strokes, The Jeffersons, The Cosby Show & The Two Of Us.
American stand-up comedian and actor Gilbert Gottfried passed away yesterday at the age of 67. His persona as a comedian featured an exaggerated shrill voice and emphasis on crude humor. His numerous roles in film and television include voicing the parrot Iago in Disney’s Aladdin animated films and series, Digit LeBoid on PBS Kids’s long-running Cyberchase, and Kraang Subprime in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Gottfried was the voice of the Aflac Duck until 2011. He appeared in the critically panned but commercially successful Problem Child in 1990.
From 2014 until his death in 2022, Gottfried hosted a podcast, Gilbert Gottfried’s Amazing Colossal Podcast, which featured discussions of classic movies and celebrity interviews, most often with veteran actors, comedians, musicians, and comedy writers. Gilbert, a documentary film on Gottfried’s life and career, was released in 2017. At age 15, Gottfried began doing amateur stand-up in New York City and, after a few years, became known around New York as “the comedian’s comedian.” In 1980, Saturday Night Live was being retooled with a new staff and new comedians; the producers noticed Gottfried and hired him as a cast member for season 6. Gottfried’s persona in SNL sketches was very different from his later characterization: he rarely (if ever) spoke in his trademark screeching, obnoxious voice and never squinted.
In the late 1990s, Gottfried met Dara Kravitz at a Grammy Awards party. They were married in 2007 and had two children together: daughter, Lily, and son, Max. Gottfried was raised in a Jewish family, but he said on his podcast that he did not have a bar mitzvah. One of his sisters was Arlene Gottfried, a New York street photographer who died in 2017Gottfried died in Manhattan from recurrent ventricular tachycardia, complicated by type II myotonic dystrophy, on April 12, 2022, at the age of 67.
Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy is a 1955 American horror comedy film directed by Charles Lamont and starring the comedy team of Abbott and Costello. It is the 28th and final Abbott and Costello film produced by Universal-International. Rounding out the cast are Marie Windsor, Michael Ansara & Dan Seymour. This is the last film that Abbott and Costello made for Universal Pictures, although Universal released a compilation film of clips from their films, titled The World of Abbott and Costello in 1965. The day after filming completed, Abbott and Costello arrived in New York City to ride on the first float of the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Two bumblers get mixed up with Egyptian grave robbers and a murderous mummy. Pete and Freddie (Abbott and Costello) overhear a Cairo archaeologist’s chatter about discovering a legendary mummy and decide to apply as chaperons for the corpse’s journey to America. But when they arrive at the archaeologist’s home, he has been murdered, the mummy seems to have have disappeared, and to top it all off, the boys become owners of a sacred medallion that holds the key to the location of an ancient buried treasure that many would kill for!