Jesus Jokes

Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this

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Instant Family

Instant Family is a 2018 American comedy film starring Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne as two parents who adopt three young children; Isabela Moner, Gustavo Quiroz, Julianna Gamiz. Also starring Margo Martindale, Julie Hagerty, Tig Notaro, and Octavia Spencer. It is directed by Sean Anders, who wrote the screenplay with John Morris, based in part on Anders’ own experiences.

Married couple Pete and Ellie Wagner hadn’t planned on becoming parents but are taunted by family members who say that they will never have any. After a discussion they decided to try the adoption route and enroll in a foster parents course. Along with other couples and a forceful single parent hopeful, they are given the ropes by counselors Karen & Sharon. After some days pass there is a fair where the couples get to meet the kids who are up for adoption. Pete and Ellie walk by the teenagers, although Ellie shows hesitance over raising a teen, but one of the teens, Lizzy, informs Ellie that they all know no one wants to adopt the teens.

Lizzy has an impression on the couple and they go to meet Lizzy and her younger siblings, Juan and Lita. The counselors inform the Wagner’s that the kids’ mother is a drug addict who is currently in jail, and she set their home on fire because she left the crack pipe lit. Ellie & Pete decide to back out from adopting but at a Thanksgiving dinner the rest of their family show relief and make it clear that they never though that the two would actually adopt, it makes Ellie & Pete even more adamant to do so. The three kids come to stay with them and initially it goes well but then things become a mess. Lita refuses to eat anything but potato chips, and Juan reacts sensitively to every instance of trouble. Lizzy is also frequently bratty toward the Wagners, but especially Ellie. Pete’s mother Sandy comes to visit to meet the kids, and instantly wins them over by treating the whole family to Six Flags. While there, Lizzy runs off with two friends from school. She doesn’t reappear until later, and Pete grounds her for not informing him or Ellie as to her whereabouts.

As some time pass by Lita calls Pete “daddy” when he fixes her doll and Ellie gets a “Good night, mommy” from Juan after she comforts him from a nightmare. Soon, Lizzy starts to go along with the others as they partake in family activities. Pete even invites her to a fixer-upper he is working on so they can wreck things for her to take out her frustrations. However Carla, the kids’ mother is now out of prison and wants to see them, with a social worker present. The children become more and more unruly and Pete and Ellie feel profoundly demotivated and frustrated. Pete and Ellie seek out the Fernandez family, who had spoken with their adoptive daughter Brenda at the training, for help with Lizzy. They inform the Wagners that Brenda is back in rehab, but Mrs. Fernandez tells them what a process it is to really form a bond and trust with the kids. And then….they catch Lizzy trying to send naked selfies to a “Jacob”.

The Wagners freak out but drop Lizzy at school. Ellie think she knows who Jacob is but it turns out that the kid is innocent and Jacob is actually the 22 year old janitor. Jacob is arrested, but so are Pete and Ellie, leaving Juan and Lita alone in the car, while Lizzy is humiliated. When Pete and Ellie return home, they are told by Sandy that they need to reassure Lizzy that they love her, because she doesn’t feel that she is loved. At a hearing the judge reads out a statement about what the Wagners did and refuses to let Ellie read a new statement she prepared the last night. Carla is given rights to the kids. The 5 go to the Wagner’s home for the night and are to go to Carla’s in the morning. Pete and Ellie sadly start to pack things up for the kids. Juan and Lita do not want to go, but Lizzy is ready.

However, Karen and Sharon arrive at the house to inform Lizzy that Carla is not coming to get them, as she failed to show up that morning and appears to have started using drugs again. Heartbroken, Lizzy runs away while Pete and Ellie chase her. They catch up and tell her they love her, and eventually the trio reconcile. 4 months later the same judge presides over the hearing for the Wagners to adopt the kids as their own and congratulates the new family.

The movie is heartfelt and though it has some flaws, it’s a feel good film. It’s funny in places and endearing in some scenes. Good performances for the most part and good casting for the kids. I give it an 8 outta 10!

Some Religious Related One-Lines

They say that when you die you become closer to God.

Because you no longer fucking exist, right?

Why is it that when you talk to God, it’s called praying?

Whenever God talks to me, they call it schizophrenia.

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Why doesn’t God ever answer your emails?

He’s more into knee-mail.

Two Blonde Jokes

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

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There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

Larry Crowne

Larry Crowne is a 2011 American romantic comedy film starring Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. The film was produced and directed by Hanks, who co-wrote its screenplay with Nia Vardalos. The story was inspired by Hanks’ time studying at Chabot College. The film tells the story of Larry Crowne, a middle-aged man who unexpectedly loses his job and returns to education. It was released in the United States on July 1, 2011. The movie stars Hanks & Julia Roberts.

After 20 years in the Navy as a cook, Larry Crowne, has been working is fired from lilly cialis his job at a big-box store due to a lack of college education, despite his seniority and exemplary work. He is informed that this is due to restructuring at the corporate level and his lack of a degree means he cannot be promoted. A divorced man who lives in a house on his own Larry  cannot find a job and could lose his house. Larry’s neighbor, Lamar, advises him to enroll at East Valley Community College and get an education. Larry sells his SUV and buys a scooter from Lamar. He signs up for classes in Economics, taught by Dr. Ed Matsutani, and is suggested to take up Speech, taught by Mercedes Tainot.

He initially struggles and Mercedez is initially hostile to her class as she struggles in her married life because she is unhappily married to Dean, a former professor-turned-writer-turned-blogger. In reality, Dean spends his days looking at internet porn. Larry makes new friends when Talia, a young student, introduces her to the scooter club at the college. She also has him change his hair style, clothes and Larry’s friend Frank, who runs the diner, offers him a job to help make ends meet, as Larry had been a Navy cook. After a night with Dean goes horribly wrong, Mercedes is left alone at a bus stop, where Larry and his scooter gang notice her. Larry offers her a ride home, which Mercedes reluctantly accepts. On their way home they witness Dean getting arrested for drunk driving.

At her front door, Mercedes offers Larry to kiss her and they hug (Mercedes thinks that they are kissing). She wants to have sex as well, but Larry declines, not wanting to take advantage of her inebriated state. When Dean arrives home the following morning he finds all of his possessions on the front lawn. Using his knowledge picked up in economics class, Larry begins a strategic foreclosure and plans to move to an apartment. Mercedez sees Larry with Talia and thinks they are romantically involved and cools to Larry, making him disappointed as he had been excited about Mercedes’ interest in him. He goes back to concentrating on his studies and his new job instead. Mercedes runs into Talia, who is telling Frances, her English teacher, that she will be dropping out of college to start a thrift store.

Mercedes finds out that Talia and Larry are just friends. At finals Larry aces his topic and gets an A+ from Mercedes, who is now happier in her life, and has rediscovered her passion for teaching. Mercedes meets Larry at the diner and tells him that he was an excellent student to which he replies that he had an excellent teacher. At the end of the movie Larry, who is no longer in speech class, asks Mercedes out on a breakfast date to which she comes to his apartment which is above Talia & her boyfriend’s new thrift store.

It’s a simple, uncomplicated feel-good movie with some humour and romance in it. It’s not ground breaking and nothing that like one of the major romantic comedies that stand out much. But it’s a fun movie and I was thoroughly into it. With a great cast that also includes Bryan Cranston, Pam Grier, a pre-fame Rami Malek, Cedric the Entertainer, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Wilmer Valderrama, Ian Gomez & George Takie! A solid 7.5 outta 10!

Confessional Jokes

A man enters the confessional in a Church: “Father, I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife. I’m a film producer and about two weeks ago I slept with Jennifer Lopez.” “Anything more than confess son?” replies the priest “Yes father. Last week I was weak and I also slept with Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts.” The very calm priest asks: “Any other sin, son?” “Yes father, this week I could not contain myself and participated in a threesome with Gal Gadot and Brie Larson.” “Sorry, son, but I can not absolve you,” the priest replies. “Why not Father, if the mercy of God is infinite?” “Yes, but God will not believe you’re sorry.

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An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll leave the priesthood!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.” The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, Your wife fell two times this week.”
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\ The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see”, ‘Yes, go on’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?'” The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!? What happened next?'”

Three More Religious Jokes

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At last, they’re finally together.” Her sister sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?” The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”

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Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the other nun asks. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun says, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasp the other nuns. “What did you do?” they ask. “I poked holes in all of them!” she replies. The third nun faints.

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A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, “Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.” “Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, “Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do.”

So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, “Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do.”

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, “funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…”

The Spy Who Dumped Me

The Spy Who Dumped Me is a 2018 American action comedy film directed by Susanna Fogel and co-written by Fogel and David Iserson. The film stars Mila Kunis, Kate McKinnon, Justin Theroux, Sam Heughan, Hasan Minhaj and Gillian Anderson and follows two best friends who are chased through Europe by assassins after one of their ex-boyfriends turns out to be a CIA agent.

So that’s the whole premise – cashier Audrey Stockton has been dumped by her boyfriend Drew via text. It’s her birthday and her best friend and roommate, Morgan, tries to cheer her up. However it turns out that Drew is a spy and he calls her and tells her that he dumped her. He asks her not to burn his stuff. At her work, a man she flirted with, Sebastian, and a colleague force her into a van and he proceeds to tell her he is Sebastian Henshaw and that Drew works for the C.I.A. and has gone missing. A man Morgan  slept with turns out to be a rival spy and he and others are out to be after the secret usb drive Drew left hidden in a trophy. Drew turns up and is then murdered.

Audrey & Morgan then go on a manic travel adventure through Europe where they get shot at and have few people that they can trust. Everyone seems to be after the data in the drive, even an old friend of Morgan’s father is killed and a killer pretends to be the friend just to get the drive and including a fashion model/androgynous model cum gymnast. Sebastian happens to be the only one on the girls’s side and helps then at every turn, even going against orders. After they recover the data – which Audrey hid in her vagina ffs! – it turns out that the data is a lot of information which can be used for blackmail governments. Drew turns up alive and in a predictable twist is actually a bad guy and is finally bested by Audrey and Morgan. Sebastian & Audrey kiss and a year later Morgan & Audrey now work as spies and are on a case in Japan with Sebastian.

Predictable, corny, ridiculous, totally contrived story and plotlines. I could predict a lot of things from a mile away and it feels like the jokes are just crude and stupid for the most part. I wonder what the whole point was. 6 outta 10!

More Indian Jokes

An American businessman goes to India on a business trip, but he hates Indian food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he’s in luck; there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.

The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, “What the heck did you put on this pizza?” The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.”
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An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him, “You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students observe Mouna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years.”

After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.

He said: “The bed is too hard.”

He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: “The food is not good.”

Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: “I quit.”

His Guru quickly answered: “Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining.”

TAG

Tag is a 2018 American comedy film directed by Jeff Tomsic (in his directorial debut) and written by Rob McKittrick and Mark Steilen. The film is based on a true story that was published in The Wall Street Journal about a group of grown men, played by Ed Helms, Jake Johnson, Hannibal Buress, Jon Hamm, and Jeremy Renner, who spend one month a year playing the game of tag. Annabelle Wallis, Isla Fisher, Rashida Jones, and Leslie Bibb also star.

So that’s the basis of this film, grown men – in their what seems like 40s atleast judging the ages of the actors – still playing the children’s game of tag. Hogan “Hoagie” Malloy, Bob Callahan, Randy “Chilli” Cilliano, Kevin Sable and Jerry Pierce have been playing tag since they were nine years old, starting in 1983, during the month of May. Since then, the group’s main rule of the game is that the last one tagged is “it,” until next season.  Hogan tags his CEO friend  Bob and then get their stoner friend, divorced loser Chilli and then they go get Kevin (the token black guy). Hogan reveals that their friend Jerry is planning to retire after this May as he is getting married in a few days and since Jerry has never been tagged in his life, this is the last year they can attempt it.

Rebecca Crosby, a Wall Street Journal reporter doing a piece on Bob, joins them and decides to write an article on the friends. They are also accompanied by Hoagie’s wife Anna. What follows next is hilarious attempts to tag Jerry, who is always one step or several steps away from his friends. He is athletic and agile and very clever, being the owner of his own fitness business. His wife to be, Susan, is cautiously enthusiastic but pleads to the other four that they won’t do anything at the rehearsal dinner or the actual wedding. During the rehearsal dinner, Susan reveals to the guys that she is pregnant. Also in the mix is fellow classmate  Cheryl Deakins who used to be the love interest for both Bob & Chillli at one point and both of them now try to date her as she is recently widowed.

Well in the end, after an inappropriate way to get outta of being tagged, Jerry gets married but Hoagie charges at Jerry, but narrowly misses and ends up tackling the pastor to the ground. Hoagie then loses consciousness, which Jerry thinks is a ruse, but Anna confirms that Hoagie’s condition is serious and calls for an ambulance. At the hospital it turns out that Hogan tells them the truth: he had lied about Jerry quitting after the season because he wanted to reunite with his friends after he recently discovered a tumor on his liver and has advanced liver cancer; he may not be alive for the following year. Jerry chooses to swallow his pride and allows Hoagie to tag him. The group starts the game again, running around the hospital as they did as children, and change their rules so Anna, Rebecca, and Susan can play as well.

Before the credits roll, multiple photographs and video clips are displayed, showing the real group of ten men that inspired the film, who continue to play to this day. Which I find fascinating and endearing. The film, though it started out very well lost a lot of steam later on. I found some of the humour forced and boy does Hannibal Buress look out of place in this film. It just seems like they wanted a black guy to fill out the group and found him. He was the dud in the film and is quite a bit younger than the other 4. Talk about miscasting! 7 outta 10!

Dirty Limerick Time

A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed
Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went
And laid down her last cent
Said, “A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed.”

On the moors Kelly walked in a daze
There she’d bark at the moon and the haze
Still her friends weren’t concerned
For by now commercial real estate loans interest rates they had learned
Once a month she would go through this phase.
(author’s note to the ladies: She was a werewolf. Now is it funny?)

A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores ‘tween their knees
When they’d asked him for money
He’d say “Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves.”

A new farmer’s helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, “Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!”
Said the boy, “But me whole bucket’s full.”

Catholic Priests & Nuns Jokes

1. Q: What loans on mobile homes kind of fun does a priest have?
A: Nun.

2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun’s hiccups???
A: Tell her she’s pregnant!!!

3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she’s making sleeping bags for mice.

5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

7. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

8.Q: What’s black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head!