More Indian Jokes

An American businessman goes to India on a business trip, but he hates Indian food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he’s in luck; there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.

The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, “What the heck did you put on this pizza?” The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.”
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An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him, “You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students observe Mouna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years.”

After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.

He said: “The bed is too hard.”

He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: “The food is not good.”

Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: “I quit.”

His Guru quickly answered: “Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining.”

TAG

Tag is a 2018 American comedy film directed by Jeff Tomsic (in his directorial debut) and written by Rob McKittrick and Mark Steilen. The film is based on a true story that was published in The Wall Street Journal about a group of grown men, played by Ed Helms, Jake Johnson, Hannibal Buress, Jon Hamm, and Jeremy Renner, who spend one month a year playing the game of tag. Annabelle Wallis, Isla Fisher, Rashida Jones, and Leslie Bibb also star.

So that’s the basis of this film, grown men – in their what seems like 40s atleast judging the ages of the actors – still playing the children’s game of tag. Hogan “Hoagie” Malloy, Bob Callahan, Randy “Chilli” Cilliano, Kevin Sable and Jerry Pierce have been playing tag since they were nine years old, starting in 1983, during the month of May. Since then, the group’s main rule of the game is that the last one tagged is “it,” until next season.  Hogan tags his CEO friend  Bob and then get their stoner friend, divorced loser Chilli and then they go get Kevin (the token black guy). Hogan reveals that their friend Jerry is planning to retire after this May as he is getting married in a few days and since Jerry has never been tagged in his life, this is the last year they can attempt it.

Rebecca Crosby, a Wall Street Journal reporter doing a piece on Bob, joins them and decides to write an article on the friends. They are also accompanied by Hoagie’s wife Anna. What follows next is hilarious attempts to tag Jerry, who is always one step or several steps away from his friends. He is athletic and agile and very clever, being the owner of his own fitness business. His wife to be, Susan, is cautiously enthusiastic but pleads to the other four that they won’t do anything at the rehearsal dinner or the actual wedding. During the rehearsal dinner, Susan reveals to the guys that she is pregnant. Also in the mix is fellow classmate  Cheryl Deakins who used to be the love interest for both Bob & Chillli at one point and both of them now try to date her as she is recently widowed.

Well in the end, after an inappropriate way to get outta of being tagged, Jerry gets married but Hoagie charges at Jerry, but narrowly misses and ends up tackling the pastor to the ground. Hoagie then loses consciousness, which Jerry thinks is a ruse, but Anna confirms that Hoagie’s condition is serious and calls for an ambulance. At the hospital it turns out that Hogan tells them the truth: he had lied about Jerry quitting after the season because he wanted to reunite with his friends after he recently discovered a tumor on his liver and has advanced liver cancer; he may not be alive for the following year. Jerry chooses to swallow his pride and allows Hoagie to tag him. The group starts the game again, running around the hospital as they did as children, and change their rules so Anna, Rebecca, and Susan can play as well.

Before the credits roll, multiple photographs and video clips are displayed, showing the real group of ten men that inspired the film, who continue to play to this day. Which I find fascinating and endearing. The film, though it started out very well lost a lot of steam later on. I found some of the humour forced and boy does Hannibal Buress look out of place in this film. It just seems like they wanted a black guy to fill out the group and found him. He was the dud in the film and is quite a bit younger than the other 4. Talk about miscasting! 7 outta 10!

Dirty Limerick Time

A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed
Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went
And laid down her last cent
Said, “A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed.”

On the moors Kelly walked in a daze
There she’d bark at the moon and the haze
Still her friends weren’t concerned
For by now they had learned
Once a month she would go through this phase.
(author’s note to the ladies: She was a werewolf. Now is it funny?)

A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores ‘tween their knees
When bad credit unsecured loans instant decision they’d asked him for money
He’d say “Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves.”

A new farmer’s helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, “Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!”
Said the boy, “But me whole bucket’s full.”

Catholic Priests & Nuns Jokes

1. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
A: Nun.

2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun’s hiccups???
A: Tell her she’s pregnant!!!

3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she’s making sleeping bags for mice.

5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex loans on mobile homes change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

7. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

8.Q: What’s black and white and red and has trouble getting loans in through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head!

2 More Religious Jokes

A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic, and a Mormon are shipwrecked on a small desert island. They have very little food and water, and the situation is perilous.

The Muslim finds a corner of the beach, prostrates himself, and prays to Allah for succor.

The Mormon finds a different corner and prays fervently to God.

The Catholic heads for a palm tree, sits down, and begins reciting the rosary non-stop, her beads miraculously having survived the wreck.

The Jew continues hanging out by the shore, picking up a shell now and then, and occasionally skipping rocks.

After a little while, the Muslim, Mormon, and Catholic realize that the Jew’s just idly staring off into the distance, whistling a little tune, instead of doing everything possible to get them saved. They confront the Jew and say, “Hey, you jerk! We’re all doing the best we can to get a little divine intervention here! How about you help us cover your base, eh?”

The Jew just smiles for a moment. Then she says, “Well, over the past ten years, I’ve donated about lilly cialis $20,000 to the Jewish Federation.”

The Catholic, outraged, replies, “So what? What does that have to do with anything?”

The Jew answers, “Don’t worry. They’ll find me.”


A man takes advantage of a deserted beach by a lake to skinny commercial real estate loans interest rates dip.

Then three church ladies from the nearby local Christian congregation (insert name of church of your choice) arrive and set up a picnic lunch.  They are sitting between the lake and the man’s clothes.  They seem unaware of his presence.  He is getting tired and cold, and finally can’t stand waiting.  He grabs a towel from the shore, wraps it around his head, and runs for the spot where his clothes are.

The three church ladies all agree this is shocking.
The first church lady says, “I’m glad he is not my husband.”
The second church lady says, “I’m glad he is not my husband either.”

The third church lady says, “He’s not even a member of our congregation.”

Spare Engine

This is a classic joke, but this version is the one my uncle told me :

In England a middle-aged woman had just bought a Volkswagon Beetle and while driving home she stopped at a gas station to fuel up. As she was doing so, she popped up the hood and saw that it was empty and cried out “Oh no, someone has stolen the engine of my brand new car.”

A sardar who had bought a Beetle from the same showroom was at the same gas station and heard this. He came to console her and said  “But don’t worry, I have a spare one in the back.”