2 Muslim Jokes

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat…
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.

“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”

The man said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”


A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

Naughty Jokes For You

The teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”

Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?” And the teacher responds, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking.


“Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other hooker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”


“A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!” He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, “That was the best, honey. You’ve never moved like that before, you didn’t hurt yourself, did you?” And his wife replied, “No, no. I’ll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ass.”

No Saddles

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild “Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-” so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final “Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!” and rode off.

“Why was that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant. “I don’t know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

Jokes At The Dentist

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous. So he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves:

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” He asked.

“No, I don’t.” She replied.

“Well.” He spoofed. “There’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right loans in size.”

She didn’t crack a smile.

“Oh, well.. I tried.” He thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” He asked.

She replied. “I was just envisioning how condoms are made!”

Crazy Jokes

A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel.
He tells the duty manager, “I hope the porn channel is set to disabled”
The manager looks at him and replies, “NO, it’s REGULAR porn, you sick b*stard!”


What do you call an angry Muslim?

Amin AbadMood


A Saudi prince recently requested that naked statues be covered up while visiting Rome. Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.


Just broken up with my girlfriend after she told me she used to be Christian.

..It might seem judgmental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

Cocoon

Cocoon is a 1985 American science-fiction comedy-drama film directed by Ron Howard about a group of elderly people rejuvenated by aliens. The film stars Don Ameche, Wilford Brimley, Hume Cronyn, Brian Dennehy, Jack Gilford, Steve Guttenberg, Maureen Stapleton, Jessica Tandy, Gwen Verdon, Herta Ware, Tahnee Welch, and Linda Harrison. The screenplay was written by Tom Benedek, from David Saperstein’s story. The film was shot in and around St. Petersburg, Florida: locations included the St. Petersburg Shuffleboard Club, Suncoast Manor Retirement Community, The Coliseum, and Snell Arcade buildings. The film earned two Academy Awards for Best Supporting Actor (Don Ameche) and for Best Visual Effects. A sequel, Cocoon: The Return, was released in 1988, in which almost all of the original cast reprised their roles.

About 10,000 years ago, peaceful aliens from the planet Antarea set up an outpost on Earth on Atlantis. When Atlantis sank, twenty aliens were left behind, kept alive in large rock-like cocoons at the bottom of the ocean. Now, a group of Antareans have returned to collect them. Disguising themselves as humans, they rent a house with a swimming pool and charge the water with “life force” to give the cocooned Antareans energy to survive the trip home. They charter a boat from a local captain named Jack, who helps them retrieve the cocoons. Jack spies on Kitty, a beautiful woman from the team who chartered his boat, while she undresses in her cabin, and discovers that she is an alien. After the aliens reveal themselves to him and explain what’s going on, he decides to help them.

Next door to the house the Antareans are renting is a retirement home. Three of its residents, Ben, Arthur, and Joe, often trespass to swim in the pool next door. They absorb some of the life force, making them feel younger and stronger. Eventually caught in the act, they are given permission to use the pool by the Antarean leader, Walter, on the condition that they do not touch the cocoons or tell anybody else about it. Rejuvenated with youthful energy, the three men begin to let the advantages of the pool take hold as they are relieved of their ailments. Meanwhile, Kitty and Jack grow closer and decide to make love in the pool. Since she cannot do so in the human manner, she introduces him to the Antarean equivalent, in which she shares her lifeforce energy with him.

The other retirement home residents become suspicious after witnessing Ben’s wife Mary climb a tree. Their friend Bernie reveals the secret of the pool to the other residents, who rush to the pool to swim in its waters. When Walter finds them damaging one of the cocoons he ejects them from the property. Later that evening, Bernie finds his wife Rose has stopped breathing and carries her body to the pool in an attempt to heal her, only to be informed by Walter that the pool no longer works due to the other residents draining the force in the rush to make themselves young.

Walter explains that the cocoons cannot now survive the trip back to Antarea, but will be able to survive on Earth. With the help of Jack, Ben, Arthur and Joe, the Antareans return the cocoons to the sea. The Antareans offer to take residents of the retirement home with them to Antarea, where they will never grow older and never die. Most of them accept the offer, but Bernie chooses to remain on Earth. Upon leaving, Ben tells his grandson, David, that he and Mary are leaving for good. As the residents are leaving, David’s mother Susan finds out about their destination and quickly drives to the retirement home, where they find the majority of the rooms vacant and contact local authorities.

While the police are searching for the residents, David notices the boat starting and jumps onto the side as it pulls away. The boat is being chased by the Coast Guard, so with little time left, David says a tearful goodbye to Ben and Mary before jumping off into the water. The Coast Guard boats stop to pick him up, giving the others a chance to get away. Out of nowhere, a thick fog appears and strands the remaining Coast Guard boats and they call off the chase. As the Antarean ship appears, Walter pays Jack for his services and the boat. Jack embraces Kitty for the last time and they share a kiss. He then says farewell to everyone before jumping into an inflatable raft as the boat starts rising up into the Antarean vessel. Jack watches as the boat disappears inside the ship and departs.

Back on earth, a funeral is held for the missing residents. During the sermon, David looks toward the sky and smiles. The film ends with the Antarean vessel going towards a bright-looking object, assumed to be a hyperspace entrance or portal, leading to bad credit unsecured loans instant decision Antarea.

A fun and touching movie starring some of some fine actors of a previous generation most of who have passed away. I loved watching this film again and reliving the fun. 8 outta 10!

Encino Man

Encino Man (known as California Man in Europe, Asia and New Zealand) is a 1992 American comedy film directed by Les Mayfield in his directorial debut, and starring Brendan Fraser, Sean Astin and Pauly Shore. The plot revolves around two geeky teenagers from Encino, Los Angeles, California, played by Astin and Shore, who discover a caveman in Morgan’s backyard frozen in a block of ice. The caveman, played by Fraser, has to learn to live in the 20th century. Along the way, he teaches them about life. During the first ice age, a caveman attempts to make fire with his girlfriend. An earthquake causes a cave-in that buries the two of them.

This segues into a present day Los Angeles earthquake that awakens average teenager Dave Morgan. He, along with his best friend Stoney, strives to attain popularity in high school but comes off more like a reject and an outcast. Dave is in love with Robyn Sweeney, a sweet and attractive girl who had been his best friend during grade school, and until she reached adolescence, had been rejected by Dave on several occasions. Her boyfriend, Matt Wilson, is a stereotypical jock and school bully, who is constantly responsible for making both Dave and Stoney the objects of ridicule by humiliating them in various ways, usually directly due to Dave’s growing affections toward Robyn. One day, as Dave is digging a pool in his backyard, he comes across a chunk of ice that has the body of a man in it following an earthquake.

They leave the ice block unattended in the garage and space heaters left on cause the ice to melt, releasing the caveman from the opening of the film. The caveman then encounters a garbage truck, which he misinterprets as a mammoth from his time and television which he discovers upon entering Dave’s house. When the boys return home, they find hand paint covering the walls and the house in disarray. Investigating a beeping smoke alarm, they discover the caveman in Dave’s bedroom, attempting to start a fire “Indian-style” by rotating a stick in the center of a pile of kindling. At first, the caveman panics at the sight of them but Stoney quickly calms him by using the flame of a lighter to mesmerize him. After bathing him and trimming him to look like an average teenager, Dave names him “Link” as in the missing link.

They manage to fool Dave’s family into thinking he is actually an Estonian exchange student sent to live with them, and enroll him in school where Link’s bizarre behavior and supreme athletic skills shoot Dave and Stoney to popularity by association, allowing Dave to get closer to Robyn, causing Matt’s anger and frustration. It soon becomes apparent that Stoney’s bizarre attitude is having an effect on Link’s actions and speech, which causes a rift between Dave and Stoney. Matt’s anger and frustration leads to a fight with Link at a skating rink and increases due to Robyn‘s growing attraction towards Link. During a school field trip to a natural history museum, Link gets upset realizing that the cavepeople he knew are all dead. Stoney and Dave console Link that he is not without friends in this time, causing the trio to make a pact. Dave tries to abandon Link, but a fight between Dave and Stoney causes Link to come running back and separate the friends. Stoney and Dave reconcile.

On prom night, Link is a hit at the party with Robyn as his date, while Dave stays in for the evening. Matt breaks into Dave’s bedroom and steals photographic evidence that Link is a caveman. As Dave and Stoney go after Matt and his friends, another earthquake happens. At the prom, Matt’s plan to uncover the “freak” backfires as the information instead makes Link even more popular. Dave and Robyn make up, and the three boys lead the entire prom in an impromptu caveman-like dance. After the prom, the students attend Dave’s house for a pool party where Dave and Robyn kiss. Meanwhile, Stoney and Link follow clues similar to when they found him ranging from breast prints on the slider and paint covering the walls. They follow the muddy footprints to the bathroom and discover a beautiful cavewoman in the bathtub who turns out to be Link’s girlfriend from the beginning of the film. He joins her in the bathtub as Stoney cheers them on and embraces her happily as she is also made to look like a modern human.

Fun and touching in some places. I loved this movie when I first watched it back in 1992 and still think it’s a fun and hilarious. Nostalgically it’s a 10/10 but I would give it an 8 outta 10!

Dad Jokes – 2 (Puns)

“It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.”
“How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!”
“What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.”
“Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.”
“Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!”
“When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.”
“I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.”
“What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space loans on mobile homes bar.”
“Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.”
“Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.”
“Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.”
“What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.”

Dad Jokes – 1

“I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.”
“How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!”
“I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.”
“I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.”
“I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!”
“I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.”
“You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.”
“What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.”
“I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!”
“Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!”
“If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?”
“I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!”

Rowing Across The Lake

A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us”.

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises”.

The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland”.

“And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask.

“Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists”…

Knives Out

Knives Out is a 2019 American mystery film written and directed by Rian Johnson, and produced by Johnson and Ram Bergman. A modern whodunit, the film follows a family gathering gone awry, after the patriarch’s death leads a master detective to investigate. The film features an ensemble cast, including Daniel Craig, Chris Evans, Ana de Armas, Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael Shannon, Don Johnson, Toni Collette, Lakeith Stanfield, Katherine Langford, Jaeden Martell, and Christopher Plummer.

Wealthy crime novelist Harlan Thrombey invites his family to his Massachusetts mansion for his 85th birthday party. The next morning, Harlan’s housekeeper Fran finds him dead, with his throat slit. The police are convinced it was suicide, but an anonymous party pays private detective Benoit Blanc to investigate. Blanc learns that Harlan’s relationships with his family were strained: he threatened to expose his son-in-law Richard for cheating on his wife Linda, cut off his daughter-in-law Joni’s allowance for stealing from him, fired his younger son Walt from his publishing company, and had an altercation with his black sheep grandson Ransom.

Unknown to Blanc, after the party, Harlan’s nurse, Marta Cabrera, accidentally administered him an overdose of morphine instead of his usual medication, and then realized what she had done upon seeing the label on the medication vial. She could not find the antidote, leaving Harlan minutes to live. To protect Marta, Harlan gave her instructions to create a false alibi to avoid suspicion over his death; he then slit his own throat. Marta carried out Harlan’s instructions; Harlan’s elderly mother saw her doing so but mistook her for Ransom. Marta cannot lie without vomiting, so she gives true but incomplete answers when Blanc questions her. Blanc asks her to assist his investigation. As they search the property, Marta attempts to conceal evidence of her guilt. Harlan’s will is read: he left everything to Marta, to her astonishment as well as the family’s. They turn on her, but Ransom helps her escape. Ransom persuades Marta to confess to him and offers to help her in exchange for his share of the inheritance. The other Thrombeys try to persuade Marta to renounce her inheritance; Walt threatens to expose her mother as an undocumented immigrant.

Marta receives an anonymous blackmail note with a partial photocopy of Harlan’s toxicology report. She and Ransom drive to the medical examiner’s office, but the building has been destroyed by arson. Marta receives an anonymous email with a time and address to meet the blackmailer. Blanc and the police, also investigating the arson, spot Marta and Ransom. After a brief car chase, the police arrest Ransom; Blanc explains to Marta that Harlan’s mother saw Ransom climbing down from Harlan’s room the night he died. Marta goes to the address in the email and discovers Fran drugged, along with her own missing medical case. Marta hesitates, realizing that Fran can link her to the crime, but performs CPR on Fran and calls 911. Marta confesses to Blanc, but Ransom has already informed on her. At the house, Marta finds a copy of the full toxicology report hidden in Fran’s cannabis stash. Blanc reads it, and then interrupts Marta before she can confess to the family that she caused Harlan’s death.

Blanc reveals his deductions: After Ransom learned at the party that Harlan was leaving everything to Marta, he swapped the contents of Marta’s medication vials and stole the antidote so she would kill Harlan with an overdose of morphine, making her ineligible to claim the inheritance by the slayer rule. However, Marta actually administered the correct medicine without reading the labels, recognizing it by the weight and viscosity of the fluid, and is therefore innocent of Harlan’s death. After the death was reported as suicide, Ransom anonymously hired Blanc to expose Marta as a murderer. Fran later saw Ransom stealing Marta’s medical case to hide the fact that the contents of the vials had been switched, and sent him the blackmail note. Realizing that Marta had unknowingly given Harlan the correct medication, Ransom forwarded the note to Marta. He burned down the medical examiner’s office to destroy evidence of Marta’s innocence. Finally, he drugged Fran with an overdose of morphine and emailed her location to Marta, planning to frame Marta for Fran’s murder.

Marta tricks Ransom into confessing by lying that Fran has survived and will implicate him; after he confesses and vows revenge, she vomits on him, revealing the lie. Enraged, he attacks her with a knife, but it is a retractable stage knife. The police have recorded Ransom’s confession, and arrest him. Marta asks Blanc when he realized she played a part in Harlan’s death, and Blanc responds that he knew from the beginning, noting a small spot of blood on one of Marta’s shoes. As Ransom is taken into custody, Marta watches the Thrombeys depart from what is now her mansion.

Good fun, some good act commercial real estate loans interest rates ing with a bit of humour. Craig is obviously having a ball playing his role, which is planned on being a new series. As is Evans, relishing in his role as a villains and totally different from what we normally see him as. You have a great cast and a good story. It was enjoyable and an 8 outta 10 for me!

3 Blonde Jokes

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

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There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

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A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV, it’s a microwave!”

Are My Testicles Black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

“Are – my – test – results – back?”