Rowing Across The Lake

A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us”.

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises”.

The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland”.

“And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask.

“Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists”…

Knives Out

Knives Out is a 2019 American mystery film written and directed by Rian Johnson, and produced by Johnson and Ram Bergman. A modern whodunit, the film follows a family gathering gone awry, after the patriarch’s death leads a master detective to investigate. The film features an ensemble cast, including Daniel Craig, Chris Evans, Ana de Armas, Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael Shannon, Don Johnson, Toni Collette, Lakeith Stanfield, Katherine Langford, Jaeden Martell, and Christopher Plummer.

Wealthy crime novelist Harlan Thrombey invites his family to his Massachusetts mansion for his 85th birthday party. The next morning, Harlan’s housekeeper Fran finds him dead, with his throat slit. The police are convinced it was suicide, but an anonymous party pays private detective Benoit Blanc to investigate. Blanc learns that Harlan’s relationships with his family were strained: he threatened to expose his son-in-law Richard for cheating on his wife Linda, cut off his daughter-in-law Joni’s allowance for stealing from him, fired his younger son Walt from his publishing company, and had an altercation with his black sheep grandson Ransom.

Unknown to Blanc, after the party, Harlan’s nurse, Marta Cabrera, accidentally administered him an overdose of morphine instead of his usual medication, and then realized what she had done upon seeing the label on the medication vial. She could not find the antidote, leaving Harlan minutes to live. To protect Marta, Harlan gave her instructions to create a false alibi to avoid suspicion over his death; he then slit his own throat. Marta carried out Harlan’s instructions; Harlan’s elderly mother saw her doing so but mistook her for Ransom. Marta cannot lie without vomiting, so she gives true but incomplete answers when Blanc questions her. Blanc asks her to assist his investigation. As they search the property, Marta attempts to conceal evidence of her guilt. Harlan’s will is read: he left everything to Marta, to her astonishment as well as the family’s. They turn on her, but Ransom helps her escape. Ransom persuades Marta to confess to him and offers to help her in exchange for his share of the inheritance. The other Thrombeys try to persuade Marta to renounce her inheritance; Walt threatens to expose her mother as an undocumented immigrant.

Marta receives an anonymous blackmail note with a partial photocopy of Harlan’s toxicology report. She and Ransom drive to the medical examiner’s office, but the building has been destroyed by arson. Marta receives an anonymous email with a time and address to meet the blackmailer. Blanc and the police, also investigating the arson, spot Marta and Ransom. After a brief car chase, the police arrest Ransom; Blanc explains to Marta that Harlan’s mother saw Ransom climbing down from Harlan’s room the night he died. Marta goes to the address in the email and discovers Fran drugged, along with her own missing medical case. Marta hesitates, realizing that Fran can link her to the crime, but performs CPR on Fran and calls 911. Marta confesses to Blanc, but Ransom has already informed on her. At the house, Marta finds a copy of the full toxicology report hidden in Fran’s cannabis stash. Blanc reads it, and then interrupts Marta before she can confess to the family that she caused Harlan’s death.

Blanc reveals his deductions: After Ransom learned at the party that Harlan was leaving everything to Marta, he swapped the contents of Marta’s medication vials and stole the antidote so she would kill Harlan with an overdose of morphine, making her ineligible to claim the inheritance by the slayer rule. However, Marta actually administered the correct medicine without reading the labels, recognizing it by the weight and viscosity of the fluid, and is therefore innocent of Harlan’s death. After the death was reported as suicide, Ransom anonymously hired Blanc to expose Marta as a murderer. Fran later saw Ransom stealing Marta’s medical case to hide the fact that the contents of the vials had been switched, and sent him the blackmail note. Realizing that Marta had unknowingly given Harlan the correct medication, Ransom forwarded the note to Marta. He burned down the medical examiner’s office to destroy evidence of Marta’s innocence. Finally, he drugged Fran with an overdose of morphine and emailed her location to Marta, planning to frame Marta for Fran’s murder.

Marta tricks Ransom into confessing by lying that Fran has survived and will implicate him; after he confesses and vows revenge, she vomits on him, revealing the lie. Enraged, he attacks her with a knife, but it is a retractable stage knife. The police have recorded Ransom’s confession, and arrest him. Marta asks Blanc when he realized she played a part in Harlan’s death, and Blanc responds that he knew from the beginning, noting a small spot of blood on one of Marta’s shoes. As Ransom is taken into custody, Marta watches the Thrombeys depart from what is now her mansion.

Good fun, some good acting with a bit of humour. Craig is obviously having a ball playing his role, which is planned on being a new series. As is Evans, relishing in his role as a villains and totally different from what we normally see him as. You have a great cast and a good story. It was enjoyable and an 8 outta 10 for me!

3 Blonde Jokes

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

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There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

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A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV, it’s a microwave!”

Are My Testicles Black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

“Are – my – test – results – back?”

3 More Sex Jokes

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.” “That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest. “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man. “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest. “Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

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A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?” The mother replies, “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time,” said the boy. “Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled. “Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”

Wilson’s Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson’s Nails. “Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with a tape.”

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson is beside himself. “You don’t understand. I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, “If only we had used Wilson’s Nails!”

Remove Your Husband

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick!”

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”

POLE: “An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.”

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”

POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”

POLE: “No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge.”

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.”

LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”

POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”

POLE: “She going to kill me!”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

POLE: “I got proof.”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”

POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover.”

6 Blonde Jokes

1. Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?

A. So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills.

2. How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?

A. Hand her a bottle of shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat.”

3. Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?

A. Because the box said it was for “2 lilly cialis to 4 years.”

4. How do you confuse a blonde?

A. Put her in a circle and tell her to sit in the corner.

5. What do you call a blond with an actual brain?

A. A golden retriever.

6. Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

A. Someone told her drinks were on the house.

3 Dirty Jokes

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn’t really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”


“Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to bad credit unsecured loans instant decision the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!” Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally, the guy interrupts. “Go home, dad, you’re drunk.”


“A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from Grandma.

Jesus Jokes

jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified
me: good friday. we call it “good friday”
jesus: what the fuck

Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that’s what all the rest of us are doing too

COP: jesus how much hav u had to drink
JESUS: (leans out window) (whispers) my blood is wine
COP: ok step outa the car pal

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a loans in piece of me!?

Me: “Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?”
Jesus: “Yes.”
Me: “Oh, it’s you. Sorry, Jesus.”
Jesus: “I forgive you.”

*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer

11 Dirty Jokes

  1. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
  2. What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file!
  3. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
  4. An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, commercial real estate loans interest rates took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
  5. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
  6. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
  7. What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
  8. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
  9. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
  10. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
  11. What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

Happy Death Day

Happy Death Day is a 2017 American black comedy slasher film directed by Christopher Landon, and written by Scott Lobdell. It stars Jessica Rothe, Israel Broussard, Ruby Modine, Rachel Matthews and Charles Aitken. The film was produced by Jason Blum through his Blumhouse Productions banner. The film is also in association with Digital Riot Media and Vesuvius Productions. It follows a college student who is murdered on her birthday and begins reliving the day repeatedly, at which point she sets out to find the killer and stop her death.

After a night of drunken partying, university student Theresa “Tree” Gelbman wakes up on her birthday to the changed tune of “happy birthday” in the dorm room of classmate Carter Davis. he ignores a phone call from her father and dismisses Carter, returning to her room. Her sorority housemate Lori Spengler gives her a cupcake, which she throws away. Tree meets with her married professor, Gregory Butler, with whom she is having an affair. That night, on her way to a party, Tree is lured into a tunnel and murdered by a figure wearing a mask of the school mascot. Tree immediately wakes up back in Carter’s bed, and is unnerved to find the previous day’s events repeating themselves. Baffled, she relives the day, this time avoiding the tunnel and reaching the party. However, the masked killer follows her and murders her again. Tree again wakes up in Carter’s bed, realizes she is in a time loop, and barricades herself in her room to avoid death. The killer, already hiding inside, murders her a third time.

Waking up, Tree explains the events to Carter. He suggests taking advantage of the loop to identify her killer. She spends the next several iterations trailing people she considers suspects but she turns out to be wrong each time and is killed. After waking from a loop where she is bludgeoned, Tree faints and awakens in the campus hospital. Her body shows evidence of recovery from multiple traumatic injuries, indicating she has retained physical damage from her previous deaths. When the killer shows up, Tree escapes the hospital in Gregory’s car, only to be pursued and killed again, along with a cop who arrests her for speeding. She wakes up back Back in Carter’s bed, Tree convinces him of her predicament by demonstrating her knowledge of the day’s events. Tree admits to harboring tremendous self-loathing, particularly from pushing away her father after the death of her mother three years ago. Tree sees a local news report on John Tombs, a serial killer being held at the campus hospital.

Concluding that Tombs is her killer, Tree rushes to the hospital to warn of his escape. Tombs breaks free and nearly kills Tree, but Carter follows and rescues her. Tombs kills Carter before chasing Tree to a nearby bell tower, where she subdues him with a crowbar. Realizing that Carter will remain dead if she ends the loop, Tree hangs herself. Believing she has solved her murder, Tree proceeds happily through the day. She ends her affair with Dr. Butler and meets her father for lunch, where the two begin to reconcile. That night, she goes to the hospital and traps and kills Tombs. Relieved to finally be free, she celebrates her birthday in Carter’s room and eats the cupcake given to her by Lori. Tree wakes up still in the loop. Angry and confused, she returns to her room, where Lori offers her the cupcake again. Tree realizes the previous loop was the only time she had ever eaten the cupcake, and she had died in her sleep. Tree realizes Lori is her true killer. Lori had poisoned the cupcake, but when Tree failed to eat it, Lori utilized her job as a nurse at the hospital to frame Tombs for Tree’s murder.

Tree threatens to take the cupcake to the police, but Lori attacks her. Lori admits to also having an affair with Dr. Butler, whose preference for Tree drove Lori mad with jealousy. In the ensuing fight, Tree stuffs the poisoned cupcake in Lori’s mouth, then kicks her out a second-story window to her death. At a restaurant, Tree and Carter muse over the day’s events and he offers her his room for the night. The next day, Tree wakes up believing she is still in the time loop, but Carter quickly reveals he was just playing a prank on her, and it is really the next day at last. Tree is too relieved to be angry at him, and the two kiss.

It was way better than I expected. I didn’t know much about the movie before watching it and I was pleasantly surprised. It was funny and the lead actress is a hoot. She made me laugh. The beginning dialogues are all cliched and a bit boring but as the movie moves along it’s worth it. I will give it a 7.5 outta 10!