3 Jokes On You

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”

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Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn’t be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we’d have a bunch of jealous countries that aren’t talking to each other.

Some Husband vs Wife Jokes

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go pick her up.”

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A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!”


A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her. Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, “I have no idea where they came from I don’t do the laundry!” So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.

Indignant, the maid replies, “Madam, how should I know? These panties don’t belong to me. I don’t even wear panties just ask your husband!”

10 Sinfully Hilarious Religious Jokes & Puns

1. How is God just like a regular man?

If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.

2. Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

3. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

4. Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

5. If God created man in His own image…

He’s a fucking pervert.

6. Why does everyone pray in the aftermath of a disaster?

Hasn’t God just proved He doesn’t give a fuck?

7. If God bad credit unsecured loans instant decision sneezes when you meet him, what the hell do you say?

8. My husband and I divorced for religious reasons.

He thought he was God. I didn’t.

9. Don’t forget: If you never sin, Jesus died for nothin’.

10. Bacon proves God has a sense of humor.

He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.

Men in Black: International

Men in Black: International (stylized as MIB: International in promotional material) is a 2019 American science fiction action comedy film directed by F. Gary Gray and written by Art Marcum and Matt Holloway. It is a spin-off of the Men in Black film series, which is loosely based on the Malibu/Marvel comic book series of the same name by Lowell Cunningham. The film stars Chris Hemsworth, Tessa Thompson, Kumail Nanjiani, Rebecca Ferguson, Rafe Spall, Laurent and Larry Bourgeois, and Liam Neeson. Emma Thompson reprises her role from the third film, while Tim Blaney returns to voice Frank the Pug from the first two installments.

Where did it all go wrong? While I love the first two MIB movies and respect the 3rd one, this one is a mess. The story, the plot, the villains, the characters – all fall flat! Molly, a young girl, in 1996 meets an baby alien and also witnesses her parents being neuralysed by agents of Men in Black while she helps the alien escape, avoiding neuralysation herself. This fuels her life’s desire to join the secret organization. Twenty-three years later in 2019, rejected from FBI and CIA due to her “delusions” regarding alien life, Molly tracks down an alien landing and follows MiB agents to MiB headquarters in New York City. Caught entering the agency, Molly makes an impression on Agent O, arguing that she has proven her skills and has no life outside her search for the agency. She is awarded probationary agent status as “Agent M” and assigned to the organisation’s London branch.

She meets High T (Neeson) who runs the London branch and is paired with an Agent H, who used to partner with High T. In the beginning of the film they show T & H travel to Paris to stop an invasion of the Hive – a parasitic race who invade planets by merging with the DNA of the conquered species – at the Eiffel Tower using a wormhole included in the original migration to Earth. H has since developed a God complex, unconcerned with his duties and only keeping his job due to High T covering for him. H & M are paired together because she thinks he is cute and plays him a bit to make it happen. with Vungus the Ugly, his close friend and alien royalty. During their night out with Vungus, they are accosted by mysterious alien twins able to manifest as pure energy. These energy aliens fatally injure Vungus, who gives M a strange crystal before he dies, claiming that H has changed since they last met and cannot be trusted.

It is soon obvious that there is a mole in the organization as few people knew Vungus’ location.  High T assigns Agents C and M to conduct an investigation while H is demoted to desk duty, with evidence suggesting that the alien energy twins had DNA traces of the Hive. H & M travel to Marrakesh, fight off the twins, ride a powerful hoverbike and are aided and then betrayed by one alien while getting a new ally in “Pawny”, the last survivor of a small group of aliens attacked by the Twins. In averting his honour suicide, Pawny subsequently pledges his loyalty to M. After the device is stolen from our leads, it is sold to Riza Stavros, an alien arms dealer and H’s ex-girlfriend. Travelling to Riza’s island fortress near Naples, the trio attempts to infiltrate the base, but are caught by Riza and Luca Brasi, now Riza’s second-in-command. Luca is discovered as the alien M rescued as a child. Luca returns the favour by allowing them to leave with the weapon while he keeps Riza contained. The three are then cornered by the Twins, who are killed by High T and a group of agents who had been trailing M and H.

The celebrations are cut short when H & M realize that the twins wanted the device to use as a weapon against the Hive discover High T has deleted the case file and did not send the weapon to evidence. C also realises High T’s deception and allows H and M to follow High T to the Eiffel Tower. As they travel to the wormhole, M’s questioning of H’s memory of the Hive’s defeat reveals he was neuralysed. High T reveals himself as the converted mole of the Hive and activates a wormhole to draw them to Earth. However H draws out High T’s true personality long enough for him to relinquish the ultimate weapon, allowing M to acquire the weapon, destroying High T, the wormhole and the Hive infestation trying to reach Earth. With the mission completed gent O joins H and M in Paris, where she grants M full agent status and appoints H probationary head of MiB’s London branch.

It isn’t half as funny as the original 3 or half as entertaining. It seems rushed and not well written and the thing is a shoddy mess of a movie. I hear that they had tons of problems including a director who wanted to leave and so many re-writes. The end result is just a below par version of the franchise. I give it…….6.5 outta 10!

ROSHAN’S ELEVEN : Abbott & Costello movie

Bud Abbott & Lou Costello are my favourite comedy duo. They had a long successful run as Hollywood’s hit comedic pair from loans in 1940 until a falling out and lower critical ratings & falling popularity befell them in the ’50s.

  • Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein
  • Abbott & Costello Meet The Invisible lilly cialis Man
  • Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy
  • In the Navy
  • Buck Privates
  • Pardon My Sarong
  • Hit the Ice
  • Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
  • Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff
  • Buck Privates Come Home
  • Abbott and Costello Go to Mars

Two Blonde Jokes

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I`ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a note saying, “Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.” The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and aims it at her head.

The boyfriend yells “No, honey, don’t do it.”

The blond replies “Shut up. You’re next, you bastard.”

Detective Pikachu

Detective Pikachu (also known as Pokémon Detective Pikachu) is a 2019 urban fantasy mystery film directed by Rob Letterman. Based on the Pokémon franchise created by Satoshi Tajiri and serving as a loose adaptation of the 2016 video game Detective Pikachu, it was written by Letterman, Dan Hernandez, Benji Samit and Derek Connolly, from a story by Hernandez, Samit and Nicole Perlman. The film was produced by Legendary Pictures in association with Toho. It is the first live-action Pokémon film. Ryan Reynolds stars as the voice and facial motion capture of Pikachu, with Justice Smith, Kathryn Newton, Suki Waterhouse, Omar Chaparro, Chris Geere, Ken Watanabe and Bill Nighy in live-action roles.

In the Pokémon universe, Tim Goodman is a 21-year-old insurance salesman who has given up Pokémon training due to the death of his mother and the absence of his father, Harry. He travels to Ryme City – a metropolis where humans and Pokémon live together as equals – to collect Harry’s assets following his apparent death in a car crash. He runs into Lucy Stevens, a fluff columnist and aspiring reporter suspicious of Harry’s death and trying to do her own investigation and impress her boss. In Harry’s apartment, Tim encounters Pikachu that can speak and only he can somehow understand; the pair then escape from an attack by a party of Aipom under the influence of an “R”-labeled purple gas that Tim accidentally released upon inspection. They take shelter at a café where Pikachu reveals that he is an amnesiac detective who was Harry’s police partner, and that they were investigating a case together when Harry disappeared.

Lucy leads the duo to Ryme Wharf and, after interrogating a Mr. Mime there, are directed to an illegal Pokemon fighting arena owned by Sebastian. He demands a rematch with Pikachu, who previously defeated Sebastian’s Charizard. However, after Sebastian gives Charizard a dose of the R gas, Tim attempts to save Pikachu during the rematch. Sebastian then mishandles the R gas and accidentally releases it into the stadium, causing havoc. Sebastian tells Tim that he got the R gas from “the doctor”. After confronting police lieutenant Hideo Yoshida about Harry’s apparent death and the possibility of his survival, Tim and Pikachu are brought before Ryme City’s benefactor Howard Clifford by his bodyguard Ms. Norman, who reveals to Tim that Harry indeed survived his car crash, which was caused by an attack from a recently escaped Mewtwo, which took him away and left Pikachu with amnesia. Howard warns them of his son, Roger, who he claims is in de facto control of his company and the city.  Tim and Pikachu recruit Lucy and her Psyduck on an expedition to the lab facility Harry was investigating, where they learn the doctor was a researcher aided by Harry, who commercial real estate loans interest rates had been experimenting on Mewtwo, recaptured after escaping 20 years earlier.

They are soon attacked by several Greninja who chase them out of the building, but are fended off by Psyduck. They then escape a field of colossal Torterra, but Pikachu is gravely injured. Tim manages to communicate with a Bulbasaur and takes Pikachu to a clearing in the forest where they are greeted by Mewtwo, who heals Pikachu and restores some of his memories, which show that he was the one who released Mewtwo from the lab. Mewtwo attempts to reveal its intent, but is captured by Roger. Thinking that he betrayed Harry to a vengeful Mewtwo, Pikachu leaves Tim while the others return to Ryme City to warn Howard. Pikachu comes across the area where Harry’s car crash occurred, and finds evidence that the Greninja attacked Harry, not Mewtwo. Tim reached Howard who  intends to transfer his consciousnesses into Mewtwo and use his powers to fuse Pokémon with their owners, with the assistance of the R gas. He also learns that “Roger” and Ms. Norman are both actually been a same shape-shifting Ditto, with the real Roger having been tied up and hidden.

As Howard in Mewtwo’s body starts fusing humans with Pokémon, Pikachu arrives and finally summons his electricity powers to battle Mewtwo, fending off Mewtwo long enough for Tim to free Mewtwo from Howard’s control. Mewtwo restores everyone to normal while Howard is arrested by the police, and it reveals that Mewtwo had kept Harry’s body and that he had in fact fused Harry’s consciousness with Pikachu’s in order to heal him; despite the fact they fuse their consciousnesses, just like Pikachu’s memory, the fusion even erased Harry’s just like while being within Pikachu. After Mewtwo unfuses them with the assistance of Tim, a fully revived Harry offers Tim the chance to return home, but Tim decides to stay in order to learn how to become a detective and spend time with him and Pikachu.

It’s funny but the major draw for this movie comes from the performance of Pikachu with Ryan Reynolds voice. It is funny to visualize Pikachu voiced by Deadpool. The human characters pale in comparison and the plot isn’t very original. But otherwise it is enjoyable and I’d give it an 8 outta 10!

Roshan Le Pew

Which cartoon character best represents your personality?

The guy on the left. I understand that he isn’t as popular as some of the other cartoon characters but this is the guy I always think about when some of my actions come to mind.

Pepé Le Pew is a character from the Warner Bros. Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies series of cartoons, first introduced in 1945. Depicted as a French striped skunk, Pepé is constantly in search of love and appreciation. However, his offensive skunk odor and his aggressive pursuit of romance typically cause other characters to run from him. In Le Pew’s case it is his stench while in my case it’s my weight.

Pepé Le Pew storylines typically involve Pepé in pursuit of a female black cat, whom Pepé mistakes for a skunk (la belle femme skunk fatale). The cat, who was retroactively named Penelope Pussycat, often has a white stripe painted down her back, usually by accident (such as by squeezing under a fence with wet white paint). Penelope frantically races to get away from him because of his putrid odour, his overly aggressive manner or both, while Pepé hops after her at a leisurely pace.

Pepé describes Penelope as lucky to be the object of his affections and uses a romantic paradigm to explain his failures to seduce her. For example, he describes a hammer blow to his head as a form of flirtation rather than rejection. Accordingly, he shows no sign of narcissistic injury or loss of confidence, no matter how many times he is rebuffed.

Prompt from 31 Days Of Writing Prompts For August at the SitsGirls

3 More Atheist Jokes

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

Just one guy stepped forward and said, “Aye, captain,I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”

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An atheist commits suicide and is surprised to find himself in heaven.

“Wow,” he says to God, “you know I didn’t expect to be here. I’m an atheist and on top of that I thought you’re not supposed to go to heaven if you kill yourself.”

“No, it’s okay,” says God. “I’ve thought about suicide myself.”

“Really?” asks the man. “Why?”

“Well,” God says, “What if this is all there is?”

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God said, “Thou shall not kill.”

And then he wiped out the entire human race with a global flood just because people didn’t take it seriously.

3 Atheists Jokes

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

Q: What do you get if you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.

There’s just one girl who doesn’t raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

The girl says, “Because I’m not a Christian.”
The teacher asks, “So what are you then? ”
The girl replies, “I’m an loans on mobile homes atheist.”
The teacher’s a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.

She asks the girl why she’s an atheist.
The girl says, “It’s just that my family isn’t religious. My Mom’s atheist, and my Dad’s atheist, so I’m atheist.” The teacher is now angry.
“That’s no reason.” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
“Then,” says the girl, “I’d be a born-again Christian.”