A man is leaving church when he sees an altar boy get hit by a car. The man rushes over and asks the dying boy, “Would you like me to get the priest?” To which the altar boy responds, “How can you think about sex at a time like this?”

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A Catholic priest in New Orleans had tickets to the NFC Championship game against the Vikings last year. Unfortunately, he also was scheduled for confession.

He notices a very devout looking parishoner praying and decides to ask the man to cover confession for him. The parishoner replies, “Father, I’m not qualified to do that.” To which the priest says, “I have a book in the confessional with all sins and the correct penance for it so I don’t make any mistakes.”

The man reluctantly agrees and the priest races to the Superdome and the man takes his seat in the confessional.

A man enters and says, “forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have had sex with young boys.”

“I see,” he says, and opens the book to find the correct penance for anal sex with young boys, but to his dismay it wasn’t listed. He opens the door and sees an altar boy lighting candles. He asks, “alter boy, what does Father give for anal sex with young boys?”

The alter boy replies, “he usually gives us a tootsie roll and a cherry coke.”

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A man goes to confession.

“Priest, I kept a woman in my basement for years.”

“Go on, my son.” said the priest.

“You see, she’s a Jew and they were looking for her. I told her I would hide her.”

“Well, that sounds like the Christian thing to do. Sure, you might have had to lie a few times to keep her out of harms’ way, but you saved a life.”

“But, I asked for sexual favors in return for my services.”

“Still. You did a good thing. Ten ‘hail Marys’ and you’re forgiven.”

“How many ‘hail Mary’s’ do I have to do to keep from telling her for another few months that the war is over?”

A new young priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. He delivered his first homily in a monotone, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I’m worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put vodka instead of water in a glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. That always calms me down.”

So next Sunday, the novice priest took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink from the “water” glass. It worked! He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the Mass, he found a note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper. he said, “Take this and eat it, for this is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down. Scout Leader “There aren’t enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!”

Lawyer “Fuck the children!”

Priest “Do you think there’s time?”

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The mob was gearing up to stone the adulteress when Jesus strides between her and the crowd and stares the mob down. “Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone” he cries, and at this the mob starts to look ashamed and shuffle away.

Then an old woman pushes her way to the front and throws a large rock at the adulteress. At this the crowd goes wild and everyone joins in and starts throwing rocks.

Jesus turns to the old woman and sighs… “fuck, mum, you always have to spoil it.”

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So Jesus and Moses are walking through the desert when they come upon the red sea. Moses cracks his knuckles and says, “check this out Jesus i still got it.” He slams his staff on the ground and with plenty of pomp and circumstance the sea parts. Jesus tells Moses, “ya well you aren’t the only one who can still show off.” And begins walking out on the water he gets about halfway out and starts to sink if it weren’t for Moses he would have likely drown. When he gets him back to shore Moses consoles the savior of mankind, “don’t worry about it Jesus last time you tried that stunt you didn’t have holes in your feet.”