Category: Humour
3 Rude Catholic Jokes
A man is leaving church when he sees an altar boy get hit by a car. The man rushes over and asks the dying boy, “Would you like me to get the priest?” To which the altar boy responds, “How can you think about sex at a time like this?”
A Catholic priest in New Orleans had tickets to the NFC Championship game against the Vikings last year. Unfortunately, he also was scheduled for confession.
He notices a very devout looking parishoner praying and decides to ask the man to cover confession for him. The parishoner replies, “Father, I’m not qualified to do that.” To which the priest says, “I have a book in the confessional with all sins and the correct penance for it so I don’t make any mistakes.”
The man reluctantly agrees and the priest races to the Superdome and the man takes his seat in the confessional.
A man enters and says, “forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have had sex with young boys.”
“I see,” he says, and opens the book to find the correct penance for anal sex with young boys, but to his dismay it wasn’t listed. He opens the door and sees an altar boy lighting candles. He asks, “alter boy, what does Father give for anal sex with young boys?”
The alter boy replies, “he usually gives us a tootsie roll and a cherry coke.”
A man goes to confession.
“Priest, I kept a woman in my basement for years.”
“Go on, my son.” said the priest.
“You see, she’s a Jew and they were looking for her. I told her I would hide her.”
“Well, that sounds like the Christian thing to do. Sure, you might have had to lie a few times to keep her out of harms’ way, but you saved a life.”
“But, I asked for sexual favors in return for my services.”
“Still. You did a good thing. Ten ‘hail Marys’ and you’re forgiven.”
“How many ‘hail Mary’s’ do I have to do to keep from telling her for another few months that the war is over?”
The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (My Review)
The Hitman’s Bodyguard (My Review)
Free Guy (My Review)
Tremors (A Nostalgic Review At This 1990 Classic)
Bedknobs And Broomsticks (My Review of this delightful 1971 Disney flick)
A Young Priest Who Is Nervous When He Speaks
A new young priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. He delivered his first homily in a monotone, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I’m worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put vodka instead of water in a glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. That always calms me down.”
So next Sunday, the novice priest took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink from the “water” glass. It worked! He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the Mass, he found a note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper. he said, “Take this and eat it, for this is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
Facebook Reminder That’s It’s Someone’s Birthday?
Abbott & Costello Meet The Killer Boris Karloff (My Review)
Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff (1949)
Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff is a 1949 horror comedy film directed by Charles Barton and starring Abbott and Costello and Boris Karloff. In 1956, the film was re-released by Realart Pictures as a double feature with Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. Two employees of a secluded hotel investigate a murder on the premises in which the goofy bellboy is the prime suspect. Swami Talpur tries to hypnotize Freddie into confessing, but Freddie is too stupid for the plot to work. Inspector Wellman uses Freddie to get the real killer.
3 Funny Jokes About Married People
The Counselor
Chizzie and Rita go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and Rita goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces Rita and kisses her passionately. Rita shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to Chizzie and says, “This is what Rita needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
Chizzie thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays, I gotta herd sheep.”
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.” Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?” Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.” Pharmacist: “WHAT?” Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!” Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?” Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!” Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was “comfortable underwear.” Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?”
“Hold them up and imagine them on me,” she said. “If you smile, put them back.”
The Flight Attendant (My Review With Some Spoilers)
The Orville Returns – Season 3 Is Called The Orville : New Horizons
The Return Of The Orville
The third season of the comedy-drama science fiction television series The Orville, also known as The Orville: New Horizons, premiered on June 2, 2022. Along with creator Seth MacFarlane returning as Capt. Ed Mercer, we also have the rest of the cast coming back after a gap of 3 years. Adrianne Palicki as Cmdr. Kelly Grayson, Penny Johnson Jerald as Dr. Claire Finn, Scott Grimes as Lt. Gordon Malloy, Peter Macon as Lt. Cmdr. Bortus, Jessica Szohr as Lt. Talla Keyali, J Lee as Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr & Mark Jackson as Isaac. New cast member Anne Winters joins up as Ens. Charly Burke.
The late Norm Macdonald completed voiceover work as Lt. Yaphit prior to his death in September 2021, making it his final role. The premiere was dedicated to his memory. Filming began in October 2019 but was halted due to COVID-19, and production ultimately completed in August 2021. his season will be the first on Hulu, after airing its previous two seasons on Fox, as well as the first to premiere since The Walt Disney Company’s March 2019 acquisition of 20th Century Fox. This season will consist of 10 episodes, fewer than the previous two seasons, but each episode will run on average 12 to 15 minutes longer.
Piranha 3D (2010 Movie Review)
Piranha 3D (2010)
Piranha 3D is a 2010 American 3D horror comedy film that serves as a loose remake of the comedy horror film Piranha (1978) and an entry in the Piranha film series. During spring break on Lake Victoria, a popular waterside resort, an underground tremor releases hundreds of prehistoric, carnivorous piranhas into the lake. Local cop Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue) must join forces with a band of unlikely strangers—though they are badly outnumbered—to destroy the ravenous creatures before everyone becomes fish food.
Directed by Alexandre Aja, the film stars Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Jerry O’Connell, Ving Rhames, Jessica Szohr, Steven R. McQueen, Christopher Lloyd and Richard Dreyfuss. A sequel, Piranha 3DD, was released in 2012. Piranha 3D received generally positive reviews, with film critics praising it as a fun and entertaining B-movie.
3 More Blasphemous Religious Jokes
A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down. Scout Leader “There aren’t enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!”
Lawyer “Fuck the children!”
Priest “Do you think there’s time?”
The mob was gearing up to stone the adulteress when Jesus strides between her and the crowd and stares the mob down. “Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone” he cries, and at this the mob starts to look ashamed and shuffle away.
Then an old woman pushes her way to the front and throws a large rock at the adulteress. At this the crowd goes wild and everyone joins in and starts throwing rocks.
Jesus turns to the old woman and sighs… “fuck, mum, you always have to spoil it.”
So Jesus and Moses are walking through the desert when they come upon the red sea. Moses cracks his knuckles and says, “check this out Jesus i still got it.” He slams his staff on the ground and with plenty of pomp and circumstance the sea parts. Jesus tells Moses, “ya well you aren’t the only one who can still show off.” And begins walking out on the water he gets about halfway out and starts to sink if it weren’t for Moses he would have likely drown. When he gets him back to shore Moses consoles the savior of mankind, “don’t worry about it Jesus last time you tried that stunt you didn’t have holes in your feet.”