Redneck Jokes….Yee Haw!

Q: What is 35 feet long and has 42 teeth?
A: A bus full of rednecks.

Redneck at the doctor: “Doc, I think I’m in trouble, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago and it ain’t come out yet.”

How do you tell a redneck is married? There are tobacco spits on either side of his pickup truck.

When two rednecks divorce, do they still remain family?

Q: How can you break a redneck’s nose without getting into a fight?
A: Put a 50 dollar bill under a glass table.

One redneck girl to another: I think Billy Bob might be cheatin’ on me. I ain’t even sure the kids’re his.

Have Mercy!

Having bitten the bullet and now continuing with Netflix, despite earlier not wanting tp pay Rs.500 every month for subscribing to them, I am kinda watching Netflix every day now. It’s so easy to get into it.

I always pick a sitcom to watch after I get back from work on the regular days when I work either a 6:30 to 3:30 am or a 7:30 to 4:30 am. I find it a great way to unwind and relax and finally go to sleep with a smile on my face. So it was Frasier, Corner Gas, Friends and Seinfeld that I would turn too. This past few days it has been Full House.

Full House is an American television sitcom created by Jeff Franklin for ABC. The show chronicles the events of widowed father Danny Tanner who enlists his brother-in-law Jesse Katsopolis and best friend Joey Gladstone to help raise his three daughters, oldest D.J., middle child Stephanie and youngest Michelle in his San Francisco home. It aired from September 22, 1987 to May 23, 1995, broadcasting eight seasons and 192 episodes. I used to watch this on reruns back in the early to mid 90s but only once in it’s tv run. I hadn’t seen anything from Full House since 2006. And yet I find myself oddly giddy with glee when the time comes for me to play a couple of episode from this fun show. It’s cheesy and corny and probably meant for kids (not really) but it’s innocent fun with a lot of “aww” moments, especially with Stephanie & Michelle, and it’s a big nostalgic ride.

10 Dirty Jokes

1. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

2. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

3. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

4. Why does commercial real estate loans interest rates Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

5. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

6. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

7. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

8. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

9. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

10. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

Ranking The Teenage Ninja Turtle Movies

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are among my fav childhood cartoons and movies. I first got introduced with the turtles through the first film, which came out in 1990 and I watched it later in the year. The first two movies became part of my frequent movies to watch over the years and I still enjoy them a lot. Here is how I rank the six films that have come out. I understand that there is another one but I haven’t yet watched it.

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
  • TMNT
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II : Secret Of The Ooze
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Theological Debate

During the Reformation, the Pope was urged to banish nonbelievers from Rome, which would have involved removing Rome’s venerable Jewish community. The Pope resisted. “They’ve lived here for centuries,” he argued. “We can’t just kick them out.” But his advisers insisted that the Holy City must be rendered theologically pure.

“Well, let’s at least give them an opportunity to demonstrate their knowledge of Christian theology,” the Pope replied.

So an emissary was dispatched to the Jewish quarter to invite the wisest Jewish elder to discuss Christian theology with the Pope, on the pain of expulsion. The news threw the Jewish leaders into panic, since none of them knew anything about Christian theology. So they assumed they had no choice but to pack up and leave.

Their meeting was about to break up when a voice spoke up from the back of the room. “What’s the big deal?” said Moishe the tailor. “I’ll talk to the Pope.” The elders were startled, because Moishe knew nothing about Christian orJewish theology. But assuming they had nothing to lose, they sent Moishe off to the Vatican.

Since Moishe spoke no Latin and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, their entire interview was conducted in sign language.

First, the Pope waved his arm back and forth over his head. Moishe responded by pointing to a spot on the floor at his feet.

Next, the Pope raised one finger of his right hand. Moishe replied by raising two fingers of his right hand.

Finally, the Pope reached beneath his priestly vestments and produced an orange. Moishe reached beneath his robe and produced a mazzah.

With that, the interview concluded. The Pope’s advisers rushed in to learn his verdict.

“These people must stay,” the Pope declared. “They’re totally conversant with Christian theology. First, I waved my arm to indicate that Christianity embraces the entire world; he pointed to the floor, in effect replying, ‘Yes, but its center is here in Rome.’

“Next, I held up one finger to indicate that we believe in one God; he raised two fingers, saying, ‘Yes, but you also believe in the Son and the Holy Ghost.’

“Finally, I produced an orange to indicate that the world is round; he produced a mazzah to suggest that it appears flat.”

Meanwhile, back in the Jewish quarter, everyone was preparing to leave when Moishe returned. “You can unpack your bags,” he announced. “I told the Pope a thing or two.”

Asked to explain, Moishe replied: “First, the Pope waved his arm to say, ‘The Jews will get out!’ I pointed to the floor, saying, ‘Oh no, you don’t — we’re staying right here!’

“Next, he pointed his finger at me, saying, ‘I’ll poke your eye out!’ I pointed two fingers at him, saying, ‘I’ll poke out both of your eyes!’

“And then we ate lunch.”

Unwelcomed

Three couples–an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple–wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replies, “No problem at all, Pastor.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied.

“What Happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn’t help myself and we had sex right there on the floor.”

The pastor said, “Well, then you’re not welcome in the Baptist church.”

“That’s OK,” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

Sleepy Hollow

Sleepy Hollow is a 1999 American horror film directed by Tim Burton. It is a film adaptation loosely based on Washington Irving’s 1820 short story “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”, and stars Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci, with Miranda Richardson, Michael Gambon, Casper Van Dien, and Jeffrey Jones in supporting roles. The plot follows police constable Ichabod Crane (Depp) sent from New York City to investigate a series of murders in the village of Sleepy Hollow by a mysterious Headless Horseman. Today was the first time I actually sat and watched the film.

In 1799, New York City police constable Ichabod Crane is dispatched to the upstate Dutch hamlet of Sleepy Hollow, which has been plagued by a series of brutal decapitations: a wealthy father and son, and a widow. Received by the insular town elders—wealthy businessman Baltus Van Tassel; town doctor Thomas Lancaster; the Reverend Steenwyck; notary James Hardenbrook; and magistrate Samuel Philipse—Ichabod learns that locals believe the killer is the undead apparition of a headless Hessian mercenary from the American Revolutionary War who rides a black steed in search of his missing head. Ichabod begins his investigation, skeptical of the paranormal story. Boarding at the home of Baltus Van Tassel and his second wife, Lady Van Tassel, he is taken with Baltus’ spiritual daughter, Katrina.

His investigations, although he himself is scared of the killer, will reveal that the “master” (the one who dug up the severed head of the horseman was Lady Van Tassel, from an impoverished family evicted years ago by Van Garrett when he favored Baltus and Katrina instead. She swore revenge against Van Garrett and all who had wronged her, pledging herself to Satan if he would raise the Horseman to avenge her, and also to claim the estate uncontested. Manipulating her way into the Van Tassel household, she used fear, blackmail, and lust to draw the other elders into her plot. She also killed her twin sister and her final victim is intended to be Katarina. After an escape that destroys the windmill and the subsequent chase to the Tree of the Dead, Ichabod throws the Horseman’s skull to him. Freed, and with his head restored, the Horseman spares Katrina and attacks Lady Van Tassel, giving her a bloody kiss and returning to Hell with her in tow, fulfilling the deal. His faith restored, Ichabod returns to New York with Katrina and Young Masbath, just in time for the new century.

This is a film that I always tried to watch back in the years that they showed it a lot on cable tv and when I used to watch cable tv and would also miss the beginning and hence stopped watching after a few minutes. Now I have finally see it in it’s entirety. It’s a good enough film with a good cast and cinematography is great. Nice score as well. I would give it a 7.5 outta 10!

A Special On Sins

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

Jesus Jokes

Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this

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Instant Family

Instant Family is a 2018 American comedy film starring Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne as two parents who adopt three young children; Isabela Moner, Gustavo Quiroz, Julianna Gamiz. Also starring Margo Martindale, Julie Hagerty, Tig Notaro, and Octavia Spencer. It is directed by Sean Anders, who wrote the screenplay with John Morris, based in part on Anders’ own experiences.

Married couple Pete and Ellie Wagner hadn’t planned on becoming parents but are taunted by family members who say that they will never have any. After a discussion they decided to try the adoption route and enroll in a foster parents course. Along with other couples and a forceful single parent hopeful, they are given the ropes by counselors Karen & Sharon. After some days pass there is a fair where the couples get to meet the kids who are up for adoption. Pete and Ellie walk by the teenagers, although Ellie shows hesitance over raising a teen, but one of the teens, Lizzy, informs Ellie that they all know no one wants to adopt the teens.

Lizzy has an impression on the couple and they go to meet Lizzy and her younger siblings, Juan and Lita. The counselors inform the Wagner’s that the kids’ mother is a drug addict who is currently in jail, and she set their home on fire because she left the crack pipe lit. Ellie & Pete decide to back out from adopting but at a Thanksgiving dinner the rest of their family show relief and make it clear that they never though that the two would actually adopt, it makes Ellie & Pete even more adamant to do so. The three kids come to stay with them and initially it goes well but then things become a mess. Lita refuses to eat anything but potato chips, and Juan reacts sensitively to every instance of trouble. Lizzy is also frequently bratty toward the Wagners, but especially Ellie. Pete’s mother Sandy comes to visit to meet the kids, and instantly wins them over by treating the whole family to Six Flags. While there, Lizzy runs off with two friends from school. She doesn’t reappear until later, and Pete grounds her for not informing him or Ellie as to her whereabouts.

As some time pass by Lita calls Pete “daddy” when he fixes her doll and Ellie gets a “Good night, mommy” from Juan after she comforts him from a nightmare. Soon, Lizzy starts to go along with the others as they partake in family activities. Pete even invites her to a fixer-upper he is working on so they can wreck things for her to take out her frustrations. However Carla, the kids’ mother is now out of prison and wants to see them, with a social worker present. The children become more and more unruly and Pete and Ellie feel profoundly demotivated and frustrated. Pete and Ellie seek out the Fernandez family, who had spoken with their adoptive daughter Brenda at the training, for help with Lizzy. They inform the Wagners that Brenda is back in rehab, but Mrs. Fernandez tells them what a process it is to really form a bond and trust with the kids. And then….they catch Lizzy trying to send naked selfies to a “Jacob”.

The Wagners freak out but drop Lizzy at school. Ellie think she knows who Jacob is but it turns out that the kid is innocent and Jacob is actually the 22 year old janitor. Jacob is arrested, but so are Pete and Ellie, leaving Juan and Lita alone in the car, while Lizzy is humiliated. When Pete and Ellie return home, they are told by Sandy that they need to reassure Lizzy that they love her, because she doesn’t feel that she is loved. At a hearing the judge reads out a statement about what the Wagners did and refuses to let Ellie read a new statement she prepared the last night. Carla is given rights to the kids. The 5 go to the Wagner’s home for the night and are to go to Carla’s in the morning. Pete and Ellie sadly start to pack things up for the kids. Juan and Lita do not want to go, but Lizzy is ready.

However, Karen and Sharon arrive at the house to inform Lizzy that Carla is not coming to get them, as she failed to show up that morning and appears to have started using drugs again. Heartbroken, Lizzy runs away while Pete and Ellie chase her. They catch up and tell her they love her, and eventually the trio reconcile. 4 months later the same judge presides over the hearing for the Wagners to adopt the kids as their own and congratulates the new family.

The movie is heartfelt and though it has some flaws, it’s a feel good film. It’s funny in places and endearing in some scenes. Good performances for the most part and good casting for the kids. I give it an 8 outta 10!

Some Religious Related One-Lines

They say that when you die you become closer to God.

Because you no longer fucking exist, right?

Why is it that when you talk to God, it’s called praying?

Whenever God talks to me, they call it schizophrenia.

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Why doesn’t God ever answer your emails?

He’s more into knee-mail.

Two Blonde Jokes

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

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There are 11 people h loans in anging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

Larry Crowne

Larry Crowne is a 2011 American romantic comedy film starring Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. The film was produced and directed by Hanks, who co-wrote its screenplay with Nia Vardalos. The story was inspired by Hanks’ time studying at Chabot College. The film tells the story of Larry Crowne, a middle-aged man who unexpectedly loses his job and returns to education. It was released in the United States on July 1, 2011. The movie stars Hanks & Julia Roberts.

After 20 years in the Navy as a cook, Larry Crowne, has been working is fired from his job at a big-box store due to a lack of college education, despite his seniority and exemplary work. He is informed that this is due to restructuring at the corporate level and his lack of a degree means he cannot be promoted. A divorced man who lives in a house on his own Larry  cannot find a job and could lose his house. Larry’s neighbor, Lamar, advises him to enroll at East Valley Community College and get an education. Larry sells his SUV and buys a scooter from Lamar. He signs up for classes in Economics, taught by Dr. Ed Matsutani, and is suggested to take up Speech, taught by Mercedes Tainot.

He initially struggles and Mercedez is initially hostile to her class as she struggles in her married life because she is unhappily married to Dean, a former professor-turned-writer-turned-blogger. In reality, Dean spends his days looking at internet porn. Larry makes new friends when Talia, a young student, introduces her to the scooter club at the college. She also has him change his hair style, clothes and Larry’s friend Frank, who runs the diner, offers him a job to help make ends meet, as Larry had been a Navy cook. After a night with Dean goes horribly wrong, Mercedes is left alone at a bus stop, where Larry and his scooter gang notice her. Larry offers her a ride home, which Mercedes reluctantly accepts. On their way home they witness Dean getting arrested for drunk driving.

At her front door, Mercedes offers Larry to kiss her and they hug (Mercedes thinks that they are kissing). She wants to have sex as well, but Larry declines, not wanting to take advantage of her inebriated state. When Dean arrives home the following morning he finds all of his possessions on the front lawn. Using his knowledge picked up in economics class, Larry begins a strategic foreclosure and plans to move to an apartment. Mercedez sees Larry with Talia and thinks they are romantically involved and cools to Larry, making him disappointed as he had been excited about Mercedes’ interest in him. He goes back to concentrating on his studies and his new job instead. Mercedes runs into Talia, who is telling Frances, her English teacher, that she will be dropping out of college to start a thrift store.

Mercedes finds out that Talia and Larry are just friends. At finals Larry aces his topic and gets an A+ from Mercedes, who is now happier in her life, and has rediscovered her passion for teaching. Mercedes meets Larry at the diner and tells him that he was an excellent student to which he replies that he had an excellent teacher. At the end of the movie Larry, who is no longer in speech class, asks Mercedes out on a breakfast date to which she comes to his apartment which is above Talia & her boyfriend’s new thrift store.

It’s a simple, uncomplicated feel-good movie with some humour and romance in it. It’s not ground breaking and nothing that like one of the major romantic comedies that stand out much. But it’s a fun movie and I was thoroughly into it. With a great cast that also includes Bryan Cranston, Pam Grier, a pre-fame Rami Malek, Cedric the Entertainer, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Wilmer Valderrama, Ian Gomez & George Takie! A solid 7.5 outta 10!

Confessional Jokes

A man enters the confessional in a Church: “Father, I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife. I’m a film producer and about two weeks ago I slept with Jennifer Lopez.” “Anything more than confess son?” replies the priest “Yes father. Last week I was weak and I also slept with Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts.” The very calm priest asks: “Any other sin, son?” “Yes father, this week I could not contain myself and participated in a threesome with Gal Gadot and Brie Larson.” “Sorry, son, but I can not absolve you,” the priest replies. “Why not Father, if the mercy of God is infinite?” “Yes, but God will not believe you’re sorry.

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An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll leave the priesthood!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.” The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, Your wife fell two times this week.”
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\ The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see”, ‘Yes, go on’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?'” The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!? What happened next?'”

Three More Religious Jokes

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 m lilly cialis ore children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At last, they’re finally together.” Her sister sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?” The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”

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Three bad credit unsecured loans instant decision nuns are talking. The first nun says, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the other nun asks. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun says, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasp the other nuns. “What did you do?” they ask. “I poked holes in all of them!” she replies. The third nun faints.

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A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, “Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.” “Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, “Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do.”

So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, “Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do.”

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, “funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…”