International Jokes

A frog and a scorpion were sitting on the bank of the River Jordan. “Hey frog,” said the scorpion. “I need to go to the other side of the river. Would you carry me across on your back?”

“No way,” said the frog. “If I let you come close to me, you’d sting me and kill me.”

The scorpion said, “That would be stupid. If I stung you while we were in the river, we’d both drown.”

“Hmmm, that’s true,” said the frog. “OK, hop on.”

So the scorpion climbed on the frog’s back and they headed out into the River Jordan. Halfway across the river the scorpion stung the frog.

“What did you do that for?” cried the frog, as they were both going down for the third time.

“I couldn’t help it,” said the scorpion. “This is the Middle East.”


— “Boss, can I leave work two hours early today? My wife wants me to go shopping with her.”

— “That’s out of the question.”

— “Thanks, boss! I knew you wouldn’t let me down.


3 people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: “Local calls are free”.

Short Dirty Jokes

  • “What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.”
  • “What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off.”
  • “What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.”
  • “What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair.”
  • “What do you call a guy with a small penis? Just-in.”
  • “Do you like sales? Because clothing is 100% off at my place.”
  • “I wish you were my big toe. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house.”
  • “‘You’re cute’ has U in it, but ‘quickie’ has U and I together.”
  • “Do you do carpeting? Because I’m looking for a deep shag.”
  • “Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.”
  • “How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.”
  • “How is life like a penis? It sometimes get hard when you least expect it.”
  • “Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere.”
  • “Why does Santa have such a heavy sack? He only comes once a year.”
  • “How is a thunderstorm similar to sex? You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last.”

Dirty Jokes, Done Dirt Cheap

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.


Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.


If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?


A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?”

The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”

“Yeah, that’s the one!”


I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”… But she did.

3 More Religious Jokes

A man enters the confessional in a Church: “Father, I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife. I’m a film producer and about two weeks ago I slept with Jennifer Lopez.” “Anything more than confess son?” replies the priest “Yes father. Last week I was weak and I also slept with Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts.” The very calm priest asks: “Any other sin, son?” “Yes father, this week I could not contain myself and participated in a threesome with Gal Gadot and Brie Larson.” “Sorry, son, but I can not absolve you,” the priest replies. “Why not Father, if the mercy of God is infinite?” “Yes, but God will not believe you’re sorry.


A girl is going to confess: “Well, you see, father, I said that my boyfriend is a son of a bitch and the other day …” The priest interrupts her and says: “But girl! How you call your boyfriend, you son of a bitch! What has happened to you?” “Well, the other day he took my hand.” The priest takes her hand and says: “But look, I take your hand too and I’m not a son of a bitch.” “Yeah, well … but it’s just that my boyfriend later touched my breasts.” The priest touches her breasts and says: “Look, I’m touching your tits but I’m not a son of a bitch.” “Yes, but my boyfriend also made love to me.” replied the girl The priest throws it away and then says: “Well, look, I made love to you too and I’m not a son of a bitch.” “Yes, but my boyfriend has Herpes.” “What a son of a bitch!!!”


The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\ The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see”, ‘Yes, go on’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?'” The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!? What happened next?'”

2 Muslim Jokes

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat…
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.

“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”

The man said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”


A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

Naughty Jokes For You

The teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”

Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?” And the teacher responds, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking.


“Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other hooker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”


“A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!” He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, “That was the best, honey. You’ve never moved like that before, you didn’t hurt yourself, did you?” And his wife replied, “No, no. I’ll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ass.”

No Saddles

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild “Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-” so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let commercial real estate loans interest rates her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final “Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!” and rode off.

“Why was that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant. “I don’t know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

Jokes At The Dentist

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous. So he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves:

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” He asked.

“No, I don’t.” She replied.

“Well.” He spoofed. “There’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

She didn’t crack a smile.

“Oh, well.. I tried.” He thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” He asked.

She replied. “I was just envisioning how condoms are made!”

Crazy Jokes

A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel.
He tells the duty manager, “I hope the porn channel is set to disabled”
The manager looks at him and replies, “NO, it’s REGULAR porn, you sick b*stard!”


What do you call an angry Muslim?

Amin AbadMood


A Saudi prince recently requested that naked statues be covered up while visiting Rome. Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.


Just broken up with my girlfriend after she told me she used to be Christian.

..It might seem judgmental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

Cocoon

Cocoon is a 1985 American science-fiction comedy-drama film directed by Ron Howard about a group of elderly people rejuvenated by aliens. The film stars Don Ameche, Wilford Brimley, Hume Cronyn, Brian Dennehy, Jack Gilford, Steve Guttenberg, Maureen Stapleton, Jessica Tandy, Gwen Verdon, Herta Ware, Tahnee Welch, and Linda Harrison. The screenplay was written by Tom Benedek, from David Saperstein’s story. The film was shot in and around St. Petersburg, Florida: locations included the St. Petersburg Shuffleboard Club, Suncoast Manor Retirement Community, The Coliseum, and Snell Arcade buildings. The film earned two Academy Awards for Best Supporting Actor (Don Ameche) and for Best Visual Effects. A sequel, Cocoon: The Return, was released in 1988, in which almost all of the original cast reprised their roles.

About 10,000 years ago, peaceful aliens from the planet Antarea set up an outpost on Earth on Atlantis. When Atlantis sank, twenty aliens were left behind, kept alive in large rock-like cocoons at the bottom of the ocean. Now, a group of Antareans have returned to collect them. Disguising themselves as humans, they rent a house with a swimming pool and charge the water with “life force” to give the cocooned Antareans energy to survive the trip home. They charter a boat from a local captain named Jack, who helps them retrieve the cocoons. Jack spies on Kitty, a beautiful woman from the team who chartered his boat, while she undresses in her cabin, and discovers that she is an alien. After the aliens reveal themselves to him and explain what’s going on, he decides to help them.

Next door to the house the Antareans are renting is a retirement home. Three of its residents, Ben, Arthur, and Joe, often trespass to swim in the pool next door. They absorb some of the life force, making them feel younger and stronger. Eventually caught in the act, they are given permission to use the pool by the Antarean leader, Walter, on the condition that they do not touch the cocoons or tell anybody else about it. Rejuvenated with youthful energy, the three men begin to let the advantages of the pool take hold as they are relieved of their ailments. Meanwhile, Kitty and Jack grow closer and decide to make love in the pool. Since she cannot do so in the human manner, she introduces him to the Antarean equivalent, in which she shares her lifeforce energy with him.

The other retirement home residents become suspicious after witnessing Ben’s wife Mary climb a tree. Their friend Bernie reveals the secret of the pool to the other residents, who rush to the pool to swim in its waters. When Walter finds them damaging one of the cocoons he ejects them from the property. Later that evening, Bernie finds his wife Rose has stopped breathing and carries her body to the pool in an attempt to heal her, only to be informed by Walter that the pool no longer works due to the other residents draining the force in the rush to make themselves young.

Walter explains that the cocoons cannot now survive the trip back to Antarea, but will be able to survive on Earth. With the help of Jack, Ben, Arthur and Joe, the Antareans return the cocoons to the sea. The Antareans offer to take residents of the retirement home with them to Antarea, where they will never grow older and never die. Most of them accept the offer, but Bernie chooses to remain on Earth. Upon leaving, Ben tells his grandson, David, that he and Mary are leaving for good. As the residents are leaving, David’s mother Susan finds out about their destination and quickly drives to the retirement home, where they find the majority of the rooms vacant and contact local authorities.

While the police are searching for the residents, David notices the boat starting and jumps onto the side as it pulls away. The boat is being chased by the Coast Guard, so with little time left, David says a tearful goodbye to Ben and Mary before jumping off into the water. The Coast Guard boats stop to pick him up, giving the others a chance to get away. Out of nowhere, a thick fog appears and strands the remaining Coast Guard boats and they call off the chase. As the Antarean ship appears, Walter pays Jack for his services and the boat. Jack embraces Kitty for the last time and they share a kiss. He then says farewell to everyone before jumping into an inflatable raft as the boat starts rising up into the Antarean vessel. Jack watches as the boat disappears inside the ship and departs.

Back on earth, a funeral is held for the missing residents. During the sermon, David looks toward the sky and smiles. The film ends with the Antarean vessel going towards a bright-looking object, assumed to be a hyperspace entrance or portal, leading to Antarea.

A fun and touching movie starring some of some fine actors of a previous generation most of who have passed away. I loved watching this film again and reliving the fun. 8 outta 10!

Encino Man

Encino Man (known as California Man in Europe, Asia and New Zealand) is a 1992 American comedy film directed by Les Mayfield in his directorial debut, and starring Brendan Fraser, Sean Astin and Pauly Shore. The plot revolves around two geeky teenagers from Encino, Los Angeles, California, played by Astin and Shore, who discover a caveman in Morgan’s backyard frozen in a block of ice. The caveman, played by Fraser, has to learn to live in the 20th century. Along the way, he teaches them about life. During the first ice age, a caveman attempts to make fire with his girlfriend. An earthquake causes a cave-in that buries the two of them.

This segues into a present day Los Angeles earthquake that awakens average teenager Dave Morgan. He, along with his best friend Stoney, strives to attain popularity in high school but comes off more like a reject and an outcast. Dave is in love with Robyn Sweeney, a sweet and attractive girl who loans in had been his best friend during grade school, and until she reached adolescence, had been rejected by Dave on several occasions. Her boyfriend, Matt Wilson, is a stereotypical jock and school bully, who is constantly responsible for making both Dave and Stoney the objects of ridicule by humiliating them in various ways, usually directly due to Dave’s growing affections toward Robyn. One day, as Dave is digging a pool in his backyard, he comes across a chunk of ice that has the body of a man in it following an earthquake.

They leave the ice block unattended in the garage and space heaters left on cause the ice to melt, releasing the caveman from the opening of the film. The caveman then encounters a garbage truck, which he misinterprets as a mammoth from his time and television which he discovers upon entering Dave’s house. When the boys return home, they find hand paint covering the walls and the house in disarray. Investigating a beeping smoke alarm, they discover the caveman in Dave’s bedroom, attempting to start a fire “Indian-style” by rotating a stick in the center of a pile of kindling. At first, the caveman panics at the sight of them but Stoney quickly calms him by using the flame of a lighter to mesmerize him. After bathing him and trimming him to look like an average teenager, Dave names him “Link” as in the missing link.

They manage to fool Dave’s family into thinking he is actually an Estonian exchange student sent to live with them, and enroll him in school where Link’s bizarre behavior and supreme athletic skills shoot Dave and Stoney to popularity by association, allowing Dave to get closer to Robyn, causing Matt’s anger and frustration. It soon becomes apparent that Stoney’s bizarre attitude is having an effect on Link’s actions and speech, which causes a rift between Dave and Stoney. Matt’s anger and frustration leads to a fight with Link at a skating rink and increases due to Robyn‘s growing attraction towards Link. During a school field trip to a natural history museum, Link gets upset realizing that the cavepeople he knew are all dead. Stoney and Dave console Link that he is not without friends in this time, causing the trio to make a pact. Dave tries to abandon Link, but a fight between Dave and Stoney causes Link to come running back and separate the friends. Stoney and Dave reconcile.

On prom night, Link is a hit at the party with Robyn as his date, while Dave stays in for the evening. Matt breaks into Dave’s bedroom and steals photographic evidence that Link is a caveman. As Dave and Stoney go after Matt and his friends, another earthquake happens. At the prom, Matt’s plan to uncover the “freak” backfires as the information instead makes Link even more popular. Dave and Robyn make up, and the three boys lead the entire prom in an impromptu caveman-like dance. After the prom, the students attend Dave’s house for a pool party where Dave and Robyn kiss. Meanwhile, Stoney and Link follow clues similar to when they found him ranging from breast prints on the slider and paint covering the walls. They follow the muddy footprints to the bathroom and discover a beautiful cavewoman in the bathtub who turns out to be Link’s girlfriend from the beginning of the film. He joins her in the bathtub as Stoney cheers them on and embraces her happily as she is also made to look like a modern human.

Fun and touching in some places. I loved this movie when I first watched it back in 1992 and still think it’s a fun and hilarious. Nostalgically it’s a 10/10 but I would give it an 8 outta 10!

Dad Jokes – 2 (Puns)

“It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.”
“How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!”
“What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.”
“Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.”
“Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!”
“When does a joke become a dad joke? When it lilly cialis becomes apparent.”
“I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.”
“What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.”
“Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.”
“Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.”
“Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.”
“What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.”

Dad Jokes – 1

“I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.”
“How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!”
“I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.”
“I used to hate loans on mobile homes facial hair…but then it grew on me.”
“I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!”
“I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.”
“You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.”
“What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.”
“I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!”
“Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!”
“If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?”
“I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!”

Rowing Across The Lake

A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us”.

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises”.

The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland”.

“And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask.

“Well,” says bad credit unsecured loans instant decision the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists”…