3 More Sex Jokes

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.” “That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest. “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man. “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest. “Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

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A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?” The mother replies, “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time,” said the boy. “Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled. “Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”

Wilson’s Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson’s Nails. “Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with a tape.”

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson is beside himself. “You don’t understand. I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, “If only we had used Wilson’s Nails!”

Remove Your Husband

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick!”

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”

POLE: “An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.”

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”

POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”

POLE: “No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge.”

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.”

LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”

POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”

POLE: “She going to kill me!”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

POLE: “I got proof.”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”

POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover.”

6 Blonde Jokes

1. Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?

A. So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills.

2. How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?

A. Hand her a bottle of shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat.”

3. Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?

A. Because the box said it was for “2 to 4 years.”

4. How do you confuse a blonde?

A. Put her in a circle and tell her to sit in the corner.

5. What do you call a blond with an actual brain?

A. A golden retriever.

6. Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

A. Someone told her drinks were on the house.

3 Dirty Jokes

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn’t really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”


“Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!” Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally, the guy interrupts. “Go home, dad, you’re drunk.”


“A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from Grandma.

Jesus Jokes

jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified
me: good friday. we call it “good friday”
jesus: what the fuck

Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that’s what all the rest of us are doing too

COP: jesus how much hav u had to drink
JESUS: (leans out window) (whispers) my blood is wine
COP: ok step outa the car pal

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

Me: “Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?”
Jesus: “Yes.”
Me: “Oh, it’s you. Sorry, Jesus.”
Jesus: “I forgive you.”

*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer

11 Dirty Jokes

  1. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
  2. What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file!
  3. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
  4. An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
  5. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
  6. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
  7. What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
  8. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
  9. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
  10. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
  11. What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? loans on mobile homes Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

Happy Death Day

Happy Death Day is a 2017 American black comedy slasher film directed by Christopher Landon, and written by Scott Lobdell. It stars Jessica Rothe, Israel Broussard, Ruby Modine, Rachel Matthews and Charles Aitken. The film was produced by Jason Blum through his Blumhouse Productions banner. The film is also in association with Digital Riot Media and Vesuvius Productions. It follows a college student who is murdered on her birthday and begins reliving the day repeatedly, at which point she sets out to find the killer and stop her death.

After a night of drunken partying, university student Theresa “Tree” Gelbman wakes up on her birthday to the changed tune of “happy birthday” in the dorm room of classmate Carter Davis. he ignores a phone call from her father and dismisses Carter, returning to her room. Her sorority housemate Lori Spengler gives her a cupcake, which she throws away. Tree meets with her married professor, Gregory Butler, with whom she is having an affair. That night, on her way to a party, Tree is lured into a tunnel and murdered by a figure wearing a mask of the school mascot. Tree immediately wakes up back in Carter’s bed, and is unnerved to find the previous day’s events repeating themselves. Baffled, she relives the day, this time avoiding the tunnel and reaching the party. However, the masked killer follows her and murders her again. Tree again wakes up in Carter’s bed, realizes she is in a time loop, and barricades herself in her room to avoid death. The killer, already hiding inside, murders her a third time.

Waking up, Tree explains the events to Carter. He suggests taking advantage of the loop to identify her killer. She spends the next several iterations trailing people she considers suspects but she turns out to be wrong each time and is killed. After waking from a loop where she is bludgeoned, Tree faints and awakens in the campus hospital. Her body shows evidence of recovery from multiple traumatic injuries, indicating she has retained physical damage from her previous deaths. When the killer shows up, Tree escapes the hospital in Gregory’s car, only to be pursued and killed again, along with a cop who arrests her for speeding. She wakes up back Back in Carter’s bed, Tree convinces him of her predicament by demonstrating her knowledge of the day’s events. Tree admits to harboring tremendous self-loathing, particularly from pushing away her father after the death of her mother three years ago. Tree sees a local news report on John Tombs, a serial killer being held at the campus hospital.

Concluding that Tombs is her killer, Tree rushes to the hospital to warn of his escape. Tombs breaks free and nearly kills Tree, but Carter follows and rescues her. Tombs kills Carter before chasing Tree to a nearby bell tower, where she subdues him with a crowbar. Realizing that Carter will remain dead if she ends the loop, Tree hangs herself. Believing she has solved her murder, Tree proceeds happily through the day. She ends her affair with Dr. Butler and meets her father for lunch, where the two begin to reconcile. That night, she goes to the hospital and traps and kills Tombs. Relieved to finally be free, she celebrates her birthday in Carter’s room and eats the cupcake given to her by Lori. Tree wakes up still in the loop. Angry and confused, she returns to her room, where Lori offers her the cupcake again. Tree realizes the previous loop was the only time she had ever eaten the cupcake, and she had died in her sleep. Tree realizes Lori is her true killer. Lori had poisoned the cupcake, but when Tree failed to eat it, Lori utilized her job as a nurse at the hospital to frame Tombs for Tree’s murder.

Tree threatens to take the cupcake to the police, but Lori attacks her. Lori admits to also having an affair with Dr. Butler, whose preference for Tree drove Lori mad with jealousy. In the ensuing fight, Tree stuffs the poisoned cupcake in Lori’s mouth, then kicks her out a second-story window to her death. At a restaurant, Tree and Carter muse over the day’s events and he offers her his room for the night. The next day, Tree wakes up believing she is still in the time loop, but Carter quickly reveals he was just playing a prank on her, and it is really the next day at last. Tree is too relieved to be angry at him, and the two kiss.

It was way better than I expected. I didn’t know much about the movie before watching it and I was pleasantly surprised. It was funny and the lead actress is a hoot. She made me laugh. The beginning dialogues are all cliched and a bit boring but as the movie moves along it’s worth it. I will give it a 7.5 outta 10!

Timbuktu

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu. First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination—Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

2 Naughty Jokes

1. A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

2. Dougall O’Reilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: “I got one fer ya!” he says, “I got one!” The crowd quiets. “Here’s to spendin’ the rest o’ me life, lyin’ between the legs ‘o me wife!” It’s an easy audience, everyone’s half cut, and wouldn’t you know? He wins the prize for best toast of the night!

Another hour later, Dougall wobbles home and in the back door. He snaps a £20 note and presents it to his wife: “Mary, guess who won the prize fer the best toast o’ the night?”

“Oh, isn’t that lovely?” says Mary, “And what was this wonderful toast you made?”

“I said Here’s to spendin’ the rest of me life, lyi– er, uh, settin’ in church beside me wife.

“That’s… nice, Dougall.” she says, looking puzzled.

Next day, she’s on High Street to get something nice for dinner with the wee bounty, when she runs smack into one of Dougall’s drinking buddies. “Hey, Mary,” he says, leering, “Didja know Dougall won a prize with a toast about yer last night?”

“I know!” she says, “though I was a bit surprised meself. I mean, he’s only been there twice in four years, and the last time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

How To Get To Heaven & Wash Your Hair

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would loans in that get me into heaven?”

Again the answer was, “NO!””Well, then, if I was kind lilly cialis to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, “then how can I get into heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She just picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, bad credit unsecured loans instant decision the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

“The curlers are on me.”

Aladdin (2019)

Aladdin is a 2019 American musical fantasy film produced by Walt Disney Pictures. Directed by Guy Ritchie, who co-wrote the screenplay with John August, it is a live-action adaptation of Disney’s 1992 animated film of the same name, which itself is based on the eponymous tale from One Thousand and One Nights. The film stars Will Smith, Mena Massoud, Naomi Scott, Marwan Kenzari, Navid Negahban, Nasim Pedrad, Billy Magnussen, and Numan Acar, as well as the voices of Alan Tudyk and Frank Welker.

The story is ofcourse the same as the one we have seen in the 1992 classic animated film from Disney. Aladdin, the young street urchin with a heart of gold meets and falls in love with Princess Jasmine, who is in disguise in the poor markets of Agrabah. Meanwhile, the grand vizier, Jafar, schemes to overthrow Jasmine’s father as the Sultan. He, along with his pet parrot sidekick Iago, seeks a magic lamp hidden in the Cave of Wonders that will grant him three wishes. He has been unable to retrieve the lamp himself because only “the diamond in the rough“ is allowed to enter the cave; anyone else will be devoured and killed by the cave itself.

Jafar finds out that Aladdin is the one and has his soldiers take the young man to the cave. In return for retrieving the lamp for Jafar he promises to make Aladdin rich enough to impress Jasmine. Jafar warns Aladdin not to take anything but the lamp, even though he will be very tempted to. Inside the cave, Aladdin finds a magic carpet and obtains the lamp. Abu accidentally causes the cave to collapse after he picks up a ruby, as the cave thinks he is stealing. He gives it to Jafar as he hangs perilously from the exit of the cave in exchange for his help up. Jafar double crosses him however, and throws him and Abu back into the cave, though Abu steals the lamp back. The magic carpet also catches Aladdin and saves him from falling to his death. Trapped in the cave, Aladdin rubs the lamp, unwittingly summoning an omnipotent Genie, who lives inside it. Genie explains that he has the power to grant Aladdin three wishes, with the exceptions of murder, romance, resurrection of the dead, and more wishes. Aladdin tricks Genie into freeing them from the cave without using a wish. He then wishes to be a rich prince, calling himself Prince Ali and heads to Agrabah.

So ofcourse he woos Jasmine and impressed her on the magic carpet ride. while Genie goes out with Jasmine’s handmaiden Dalia. When Jasmine tricks Aladdin into revealing his true identity, he appears to convince her that he is actually a prince and only dressed like a peasant to meet the citizens of Agrabah beforehand. When Jafar find out that Ali is really Aladdin throws Aladdin into the sea, saying if he lives, it will be because he found the lamp and the Genie saved him. If he dies, he really is a prince and doesn’t have the lamp. Abu and the carpet arrive with the lamp and Aladdin rubs it just before losing consciousness. He awakens though, having been saved by Genie, at the cost of his second wish. They talk to Jasmine, who is also suspicious of Jafar, and then expose Jafar, who is arrested and imprisoned in the dungeon. The Sultan offers Aladdin the position as heir to the throne. Fearing he will lose Jasmine if the truth is revealed, Aladdin needs Genie with him now and refuses to free him, much to Genie’s disappointment.

Iago frees Jafar who then steals the lamp from Aladdin and becomes Genie’s new master. He uses his first two wishes to become Sultan and then, when the guards refuse to acknowledge the change at Jasmine’s request, to become the world’s most powerful sorcerer, imprisoning the guards and Jasmine’s pet tiger Rajah. He then exposes Aladdin’s identity to Jasmine and exiles him and Abu to a frozen wasteland on the other side of the Earth. He threatens to kill the Sultan and Dalia unless Jasmine agrees to marry him. At the wedding ceremony, Aladdin and Abu return, having been rescued by the magic carpet and Jasmine steals back the lamp. Furious, Jafar transforms Iago into a roc to give chase. Iago overpowers them and steals the lamp back, destroying the magic carpet in the process.

Aladdin stalls Jafar by taunting him for being second and less powerful than the Genie. An incensed Jafar is tricked to use his last wish o become the most powerful being in the universe. Due to the vagueness of the wish, Genie is able to use it to turn Jafar into a genie; chained to the lamp without a master, Jafar gets trapped inside, dragging Iago inside with him. Genie throws Jafar’s lamp to the Cave of Wonders and repairs the magic carpet. Aladdin keeps his promise, using his last wish to free Genie and allow him to live as a human. Jasmine & Aladdin  then share a passionate kiss. Genie marries Dalia and leaves to explore the world and start a family with her. Aladdin and Jasmine get married and start a new life as well.

While there isn’t much wrong with the film or the acting (it’s pretty much a Disney movie) the problem is many of us will compare it with the 1992 animated film. Massoud & Scott are pretty good as the lead pair but the problem is Will Smith isn’t as good as a Genie. No fault of his but it’s just the ghost of Robin Williams looms large over the movie. Williams killed it as the Genie and can never be bettered. Also the villain isn’t very threatening and lacks a menacing presence which even the cartoon version had! Other than that it’s pretty good. 8 outta 10!

Dirty Jokes All

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”

What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”

What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off!

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”