Do You Speak Espanol?

A black guy and a white guy are driving in their car, having and arguement. “Jesus was a white man,” says the white guy. “No, Jesus was a black man,” says the black guy. “He was white!” says the white guy. “No, He was black!” says the black guy. Their arguement gets so heated that the driver stops paying attention, runs a red light, and BAM!!!… he gets run over by a truck.

The next thing the boys know, they’re standing at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears before them and welcomes them in, saying, “Are you ready to meet the Lord Jesus?” They respond in the affirmative, and St. Peter says, “Wait here, I’ll go get Him.” One guy then whispers to the other, “I guess we’re going to find who’s right, huh?”

Instantly a cloud of smoke appears before them, followed by blinding light and a crescendo of trumpets. Their eyes blinded by the light and the smoke, they can only see the outline of the Lord Jesus in the shadows. He appears before them, extends His arms and says……….. “¡Buenos Días, Amigos!”

More Religious Jokes

The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”
But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.
Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Why did God make man before He made woman?
Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

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Two lovers intersted in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world ezactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later

At the seance, she called out, “John, dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John, I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“Well what do you do all day, ” asked Martha.

“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but sex untill noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven is really like?”

“Heaven? I’m not in heaven Martha.”

“Well then where are you?”

“I’m a jack rabbit in Arizona

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Kingsman: The Golden Circle is a 2017 spy comedy film produced and directed by Matthew Vaughn and written by Vaughn and Jane Goldman. It is a sequel to Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014) which is based on the comic book series Kingsman, created by Dave Gibbons and Mark Millar. The film features Colin Firth, Taron Egerton, Mark Strong, Edward Holcroft, Hanna Alström, and Sophie Cookson reprising their roles from the first film with Julianne Moore, Halle Berry, Pedro Pascal, Elton John, Channing Tatum, and Jeff Bridges joining the cast. The plot follows the members of Kingsman needing to team up with their American counterpart, Statesman, after the world is held hostage by Poppy Adams and her drug cartel, “The Golden Circle”.

The movie starts off with Eggsy Unwin, who has officially joined Kingsman, taken his late mentor Harry Hart’s title of Galahad, and begun a relationship with Tilde, Crown Princess of Sweden. On his way home from work he is ambushed by Charlie Hesketh, a former Kingsman trainee who lost his arm and vocal cords during the Valentine incident, replacing them with cybernetics. Eggsy evades Charlie and his henchmen in a car chase across London, but Charlie’s severed cybernetic arm hacks into the Kingsman servers through the computer system of Eggsy’s car. While Eggsy has a birthday dinner with his friends and Tilde, Charlie passes on the information gained to Poppy Adams, the leader of the world’s largest drug cartel, the Golden Circle. Poppy uses the information to launch a volley of missiles that destroy the Kingsman headquarters and wipe out all of the agents in Britain, aside from Eggsy and Merlin, Kingsman’s tech support.

Eggsy and Merlin now the only Kingsman staff left alive drink their sorrows but discover that they have a connection to Statesman, an American private intelligence service posing as a Bourbon whiskey distillery in Kentucky.  There, they discover that Harry survived his shooting thanks to Statesman technology, but is suffering from amnesia. They also learn about the Golden Circle from Statesman head Champagne, and the two agencies agree to work together to bring it down. Statesman agent Tequila later develops a blue rash and shows signs of mania, and is replaced by another agent, Whiskey, as Eggsy’s partner. Eggsy plants a tracking device on Charlie’s ex-girlfriend Clara Von Gluckfberg during a sexual encounter at Glastonbury Festival, but his revelation of the mission to Princess Tilde strains their relationship.

Eggsy manages to get Harry out his amnesia by jogging his memory, by threatening to shoot a Cairn Terrier puppy that resembles Harry’s late dog, shortly before Poppy broadcasts a message telling the world about a toxin she has added to all her drugs, which causes users to develop symptoms like Tequila’s before progressing to paralysis, and ultimately, death. She offers the antidote to the world if the President of the United States ends his country’s War on drugs and grants her cartel immunity from prosecution. The President decides to have everyone affected quarantined, intending to let them all die in order to put Poppy out of business. Eggsy, Harry, and Whiskey track Clara to the Golden Circle’s antidote factory in Italy but it is broken by Whiskey while they are ambushed. Harry suspects Whiskey and shoots him dead but Eggsy , believing Harry to be delusional as a result of his recovery, saves him with the same technology that Statesman used to save Harry.

Prince Tilde calls Harry and she too is affected by the blue rash due to taking drugs upset about her relationship. Eggsy, Harry, and Merlin discover the location of Poppy’s hideout, “Poppy Land”, in Cambodia and fly there to steal the laptop which can deploy the drones carrying the antidote. Upon their arrival at Poppy Land, Eggsy steps on a land mine, but Merlin sacrifices himself to save him and Harry. The duo beat out Charlie, Poppy’s two robot dogs and a bunch of her man before inject Poppy with a concentrated dose of her toxin and heroin. Poppy gives them the laptop password in exchange for the antidote, but dies of an overdose from the heroin. Whiskey interrupts them before they can deploy the drones, revealing that he wants all drug users to die after his pregnant wife was killed in a robbery committed by two methamphetamine users.

Eggsy and Harry fight and kill Whiskey, then deploy the drones to release the antidote and save the affected victims throughout the world. In the aftermath, the President is impeached for conspiring to commit genocide on the drug victims, and Statesman purchases a distillery in Scotland to help rebuild Kingsman. Statesman tech support specialist Ginger Ale is appointed to the position of Whiskey, Eggsy marries Princess Tilde, and Tequila joins Kingsman, which acquires a new tailor shop in London.

Fun but not as good as the first one but just barely gets an above average grade. I’d say it’s good enough for an afternoon watch. 7 outta 10!

The Gift Of Life *NSFW*

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, father.”

“In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree.”

“Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

“Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh father, may I touch it?” This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true father?” “Yes it is, sister.” “Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and lets get the hell out of here.”

The Indian Detective

The Indian Detective is a Canadian comedy-drama series, debuting on CTV and Netflix in 2017. The show stars Russell Peters as Doug D’Mello, a police officer from Toronto who becomes embroiled in a murder investigation while visiting his father (Anupam Kher) in Mumbai while serving a one month suspension for incompetence. The mini-series also stars Christina Cole as D’Mello’s partner  Robyn “Bob” Gerner, Mishqah Parthiephal as Indian lawyer Priya Sehgal, Hamza Haq as twins Gopal & Amal Chandekar, Meren Reddy as Inspector Abhishek Devo and William Shatner as David Marlowe. It’s the feel good comforting, light-hearted police/crime / investigation with lots of humour and silliness involved.

Doug is a constable 1st class who with his partner Robyn, want to become detectives. After a suspension following a highly public failed drug bust and an urgent phone call from his father‘s hometown of Mumbai, constable Doug flies to India to visit his ailing father Stanley. Doug, who is suspended for a month, decides to stay in Mumbai, even as his dad seems to be ok. He meets the pretty lawyer, Priya Sehgal, who lives in the same building and gets caught up in a case that connects Mumbai & Toronto. Priya was led to believe that A swami is killed by poisoning and the local chaiwala confesses, even though Priya knows he is covering for someone else.

Even though their initial investigation brings forth the real murderer who is the wife of a wealthy business and disciple of the swami and who was giving away his wealth, a crimelord who has the local deputy commissioner in his pocket and is doing business with a well established Canadian developer named Marlowe (Shatner) is behind the forceful removal of the people living in a large slum to make way for a large building. The crimelord, Gopal, is financing the money using his twin brother Amal who lives in Toronto and part of a drug smuggling into the US. This same drug smuggling group is the one which Doug had tried to bust and failed, making his final victory all the more sweet.

In the end, his father’s health improves and although there are a few deaths, including a goon of Gopal who turned to help the good guys, Doug is vindicated and catches the bad guys and also wins the heart of Priya. The 4th episode ends on a sort of cliff hanger, when Marlowe informs a Nigerian drug lord that Doug was to blame for the latter’s loss of cocaine that got busted on the Canadian border. It’s a 7.5 outta 10 for me as it’s neither a comedy nor a full fledged detective/crime investigation show. But it has some good moments.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

The Hitman’s Bodyguard is a 2017 American action comedy film directed by Patrick Hughes and written by Tom O’Connor, whose script was on the 2011 Black List survey. The film stars Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Gary Oldman and Salma Hayek, and follows a bodyguard who is hired to protect a hitman who has to testify at the International Criminal Court.

Ryan Reynolds plays Michael Bryce, an ex-CIA agent turned private European Union based executive bodyguard who offers the finest services. He lives a lavish lifestyle and is rich and lives with his girlfriend Amelia Roussel, who has newly joined Interpol, in a nice mansion. However after his important client Takashi Kurosawa, a Japanese arms dealer, is killed at the airport Price falls into disgrace. 2 years later he is a shell of his former self, separated from Amelia and ekes out a living protecting drug-addicted corporate executives in London.

Vladislav Dukhovich, the ruthless and bloodthirsty dictator of Belarus, is put on trial for crimes against humanity at the International Criminal Court. The prosecution is unable to make headway against him, as they are unable to substantiate their allegations with physical evidence and Dukhovich assassinates any witnesses who could do so. The prosecution’s last hope is notorious incarcerated hitman Darius Kincaid, who agrees to testify against Dukhovich in exchange for releasing his wife Sonia from prison. Roussel is picked to lead the transportation of Kincaid, with a convoy of vehicles in which armed French & English agents escort them from Manchester to The Hague. The convoy is ambushed by armed men with guns and explosives and with the exception of Roussel and Kincaid, everyone else is killed.

Roussel and an injured Kincaid head to a safehouse and thinking that Interpol is probably compromised as the attackers knew exactly where and when to ambush them, she takes a risk and calls in Bryce who is reluctant  ultimately agrees to aid them in exchange for the restoration of his reputation. After a brief showdown with Kincaid which reveals that Bryce had multiple conflicts with him in the past, Roussel returns to Interpol to update them on the situation, while Bryce and Kincaid escape an attack by Dukhovich’s men. It is revealed that Roussel’s superior Foucher is the one who is working for Dukhovich and is spying for him. Dukhovich’s men track Kincaid’s location through his cellphone and ambush him and Bryce.

While they are able to fight them off, their vehicle is destroyed. The two hitchhike to a ferry terminal and take a ferry to Amsterdam, where Sonia is being held. Kincaid escapes from Bryce to send flowers to Sonia, and Bryce tracks him down and kills several more hitmen. Kincaid reveals that he killed Kurosawa two years ago, having been at the airport only by chance after another job. Enraged at the revelation that he has spent two years blaming Roussel for “betraying” him when in reality the client’s death was a sheer fluke, Bryce punches Kincaid and then abandons him. Bryce has a couple of drinks as Kincaid is attacked by Dukhovich’s men but has a change of heart and helps out the hitman.

Bryce though is captured and tortured and it is now Kincaid who comes to his aid and rescues him. They make their way to the Hague with seconds to spare and Kincaid provides damning evidence against Dukhovich, who resorts to his backup plan; to bomb the court, allowing him to steal a gun and attempt to kill Kincaid. Bryce jumps in the way of the bullet and orders Kincaid to stop Dukhovich from escaping. Roussel notices Foucher acting suspiciously during the attack, and deduces he was the traitor. She subdues him with Bryce’s aid. Kincaid pursues Dukhovich to the roof of the building, where he attempts to escape by helicopter, but Kincaid dispatched both the helicopter and pushes Dukhovich to his death.

In the aftermath, Bryce is recovered and has rekindled his relationship with Roussel and Sonia is released. Kincaid is rearrested for his previous crimes, but breaks out of HMP Belmarsh so he and Sonia can celebrate their anniversary in the bar in Honduras where they first met. The movie ends with them dancing and then kissing in the midst of all the fighting and chaos taking place at the bar.

Funny in a lot of places and with non-stop banter and fast paced action, this movie delivers on what the trailer promised it would be. Action, buddy elements, guns, explosions and lots of banter and with both leads saying “motherfucker” and “fuck” a lot! It’s senseless fun and entertainment but the difference in this movie, compared to others, is the obvious chemistry between Reynolds & Jackson. 8 outta 10, for the kind of movie it wants to be!

Despicable Me 3

Despicable Me 3 is a 2017 American 3D computer-animated comedy film produced by Illumination Entertainment for Universal Pictures. It is the third main installment, fourth overall in the Despicable Me film series and the sequel to Despicable Me 2 (2013). The film is directed by Pierre Coffin and Kyle Balda, co-directed by Eric Guillon and written by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio. Steve Carell, Miranda Cosgrove and Dana Gaier reprise their roles of Gru, Margo and Edith and Julie Andrews returns as Marlena, Gru’s mother. Kristen Wiig and Steve Coogan return from Despicable Me 2, while Trey Parker, Jenny Slate and Nev Scharrel (replacing Elsie Fisher as Agnes) join the cast.

Gru & his wife & partner at work Lucy are assigned to apprehend  Balthazar Bratt, a former child star turned evil, from stealing the world’s largest diamond. Bratt dances his way to MJ’s Bad onto a navy ship and steals the diamond but Gru is able to stop him but the villain gets away. Gru and Lucy are fired from the AVL by its unreasonable new director Valerie Da Vinci, following the retirement of Silas Ramsbottom. As Gru mops around disappointed in letting down his kids, he is visited by  Fritz, the butler of Gru’s cheerful twin brother Dru, who lives in a distant country named Freedonia and longs to meet him. Gru is shocked to learn he has a twin. He confronts his mother, who reveals that when she and her husband divorced, they agreed to keep one child each.

Gru, Lucy and the girls are greeted with much job by Dru and are amazed by his apparent wealth. Meanwhile the Minions, led by Mel, who had left the house as Dru refuses to return to villainy, get arrested for trespassing at a talent show set. Bratt manages to steal the diamond again, intending to use it to power a giant robot and destroy Hollywood as revenge for the cancellation of his show. Gru then tells Dru the family secret – the pig farm is just a front and their father’s super villainy is the real reason for their massive wealth. Dru was dismissed by their father as he was no good at being a villain and was seen as a disgrace. The brothers bond as they drive their father’s gadget filled car.

Lucy tries to balance her tasks as a mom, which she exhibits after turning away a young boy named Niko who had fallen for Margo in the midst of a traditional cheese festival, while Edith and Agnes stumble into a local tavern and learn from the bartender about a mythical unicorn which lurks in a nearby forest. Gru tries to convince Agnes that unicorns are imaginary, but decides against it to avoid hurting her feelings. The next day, Agnes and Edith set out into the woods to track the mythical horse, only to find a one-horned goat whom Agnes adopts and dubs “Lucky.” Meanwhile, the Minions’ longing for Gru motivates them to escape from prison. Gru goes to steal the diamond back from Bratt and Dru tags along almost ruining things.

Gru secretly intending to bring it to the AVL, which he hopes will convince Da Vinci to rehire him. Despite several setbacks, they manage to retrieve the diamond and are rescued by Lucy after narrowly escaping. After finding out Gru’s true motives, Dru confronts his brother about his lie. In return, Gru insults him and decides to leave Freedonia. Bratt, disguised as Lucy, kidnaps the children, and once again acquires the diamond. Gru and Dru resolve their differences and pursue him. Powering his large robot with the diamond, and superpowered gum, Bratt terrorizes Hollywood Lucy saves the children while Gru and Dru weaken Bratt’s robot with the weapons of their father’s car. Gru is knocked unconscious when the car is destroyed, and Dru manages to destroy the robot’s core from the inside when Bratt threatens to kill Gru.

When Gru recovers, he battles Bratt in a dance fight, using it as a distraction to grab his weaponized keytar, and defeats him. Having rendezvoused with Gru, the Minions manage to destroy the gum already covering the city, and Gru and Dru reunite. Soon afterward, Gru and Lucy are reinstated in the AVL and the newly united family celebrate in Gru’s home. Lucy is acknowledged by the children as their mother. Lured back to villainy, Dru and most of the minions steals Gru’s ship, with Gru’s emblem replaced with a “D” graffiti. Gru and Lucy decide to give them a five-minute head-start before engaging pursuit.

Funny and sweet, just like the others though I want more Minions, it is a good movie to watch even at midnight. I love it. 8.5 outta 10!

Clean Religious Jokes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”

“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation.

“Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.”

The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”

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The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”

One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”

Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”

The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’ “

The Orville : The First 2 Episodes

Ok, so as a lot of you fellow scifi nerds may know, the Orville  is an American science fiction drama created by and starring Seth MacFarlane that premiered on September 10, 2017. The show is reminiscent of and is both an homage and a light-hearted parody of Star Trek, and as Seth has mentioned in an interview, also inspired by The Twilight Zone. Along with MacFarlane as captain Ed Mercer, we have Adrienne Palicki who plays his his ex-wife  Commander Kelly Grayson and the first officer assigned to The Orville, a mid-level exploratory ship, that operates for The Union, an inter-planetary group. The show is set 400 years in the future.

We also have Penny Johnson Gerald (who had a recurring role in Star Trek Deep Space Nine) as the Chief Medical Officer Dr. Claire Finn, Scott Grimes as Lt. Gordon Malloy the helmsman and best friend to Mercer, Peter Macon as Lt. Commander Bortus, the second officer and an androgynous alien, Halston Sage as Lt. Alara Kitan, 23-year-old Chief of Security, J. Lee as Lt. John LaMarr, the navigator & Mark Jackson as the voice of Isaac, the Science and Engineering Officer who is a member of the artificial, non-biological race from Kaylon-1 that views biological lifeforms, including humans are inferior.

So far we have had two episodes aired and I like it a lot. The second episode had a lot more depth to it than the first which was a bit of a let down.

In the pilot, 25th-century space pilot Ed Mercer, who has a promising career, divorces his wife Kelly Grayson after he catches her cheating on him. He starts drinking too much and turns up for work hungover. A year later, he accepts a position as Captain of the U.S.S. Orville, a mid-level exploratory ship, which came as a surprise even to him. But he is informed that due to the size of the fleet and the retirement of the former captain, the Orville, was in need of a new commanding officer. He also finds to his dismay that his ex-wife Kelly will serve as his First Officer. During the Orville’s first mission, the hostile alien Krill Captain attempt to steal a device that can accelerate time, which has both beneficial and dangerous applications. Mercer and Grayson rig the device to destroy itself and the Krill vessel.

In the second episode the technologically advanced Calivon imprison Ed and Kelly in a replica of their former home as a zoo exhibit. Alara is left in command of the Orville as Bortus has laid an egg and must incubate it. Alara is unsure of herself, but gains confidence with the help of Dr. Finn’s mentorship. Ed and Kelly wonder if they could have made their relationship work, but finally conclude that they were never compatible for a long-term romantic relationship, despite their strong camaraderie. Admiral Tucker orders Alara to return to Earth instead of approaching the powerful Calivon; Alara violates these orders and rescues Ed, Kelly, and an alien child by trading an archive of Earth’s reality television for them. Ed presents Alara with a medal of honor and believe he and Kelly can prevent her from being punished for insubordination. A female offspring hatches from Bortus’s egg, stunning him and Klyden as this is thought to be biologically impossible for the single-sex Moclans.

The show is scheduled for a 13 episode run during the first season and I hope we get a lot more. We could use some light-hearted comedic scifi and this Star Trek like show is the humurous offspring of the comedy classic Galaxy Quest.

The Final Girls

The Final Girls is a 2015 American slasher comedy film, directed by Todd Strauss-Schulson and written by M.A. Fortin and Joshua John Miller. The film stars Taissa Farmiga and Malin Åkerman, with supporting performances from Adam DeVine, Thomas Middleditch, Alia Shawkat, Alexander Ludwig, Nina Dobrev, Chloe Bridges, and Angela Trimbur. It an homage to 80s style slasher flicks and camp horror but especially Friday the 13th and Jason Vorheese.

Amanda Cartright is a struggling actress who got typecast because of her role in an 80s slasher flick called Camp Bloodbath. As it is cult classic, even several years later she is unable to get better roles and after yet another audition where the producers know her from the horror flick, she complains about her career to her teenage daughter Max. As the two sing in the car, Max accidentally drops her drink onto Amanda’s portfolio and headshots and this distracts her and they have an accident. Amanda dies but Max survives. Three years later, her best friend Gertie’s step-brother Duncan, who is a horror film fan asks Max to show up at a double bill showing of Camp Bloodbath and its sequel, Camp Bloodbath 2: Cruel Summer.

Despite it being Amanda’s death anniversary Max reluctantly agrees and goes to the theatre with her Chris, who she is interested in and Gertie. Chris’s ex-girlfriend Vickie is also there as is Duncan. During the movie there is an accidental fire which causes panic. Using a machete that was there as a prop, Max cuts through the screen and her group all step through. They find themselves waking up in broad daylight and in the woods. A van pulls over and they realize that the Every 92 minutes, they encounter a van with two characters from Camp Bloodbath, and realize they have somehow been transported inside the movie. The group awkwardly pass themselves off as new camp counselors, and hitch a ride to camp and Amanda’s character Nancy wakes up from sleep in the back of the van which shocks Max.

Realizing that they must let the film run it’s course, they let the first couple of murders happen without interference, but when Duncan is killed by the film’s machete-wielding villain Billy Murphy, they realize that they too run the risk of becoming victims. The group decides to stop the cast from having sex, as whenever someone does so in Camp Bloodbath, they fall prey to Billy’s machete. Chris distracts Kurt, while Max persuades Nancy to stay a virgin. Vicki sticks with Paula, the movie’s final girl and Gertie bonds with Blake, a counselor. When Gertie brings up the topic of Billy Murphy, the counselors are alerted to the fact that the “urban legend” of Billy is “real” and will come to kill them. In a panic, the counselors try to flee the camp. Kurt and Paula drive off, but when Duncan emerges still alive, the car hits him then crashes into a totem pole, resulting in their deaths.

Now aware that the characters who originally survived the movie can die, Max and the others decide to save anyone they can. They dress Tina in a life jacket and mittens, to prevent her from undressing. They also decide that Max, the only remaining virgin, is the new final girl, and plot to get Billy’s machete into her hands so she can kill him and end the film. Meanwhile, Max and Nancy bond, and theorize that, if Nancy survives the movie, she can go back home with Max and be whomever she wants. The group booby trap the cabin, then Tina lures Billy to them by performing a striptease. Tina panics and is killed when a trip wire sends her headfirst into a bear trap. Blake, Vicki and Gertie are killed fighting Billy. Chris, Nancy, and Max flee the cabin, and Billy chases after them. Chris is stabbed, and Billy kidnaps Nancy. Max finds her at Billy’s barn hideout, and the two women fight him, which results in Max getting stabbed, before they both escape.

After the two retreat to the chapel, Max tells Nancy that her real life counterpart is Max’s mother. They bid each other a tearful farewell before Nancy sacrifices herself by luring Billy with a striptease. Max collapses, but, now the final girl, she awakens with the power to kill Billy. They fight and she eventually decapitates him with his own machete. A wounded Chris arrives and the two kiss, while Camp Bloodbath‘s closing credits play in the sky. Later, Max wakes to find herself in the hospital, where she is reunited with her friends. The group hears Billy Murphy’s approach tune, and realize they are in the sequel, Camp Bloodbath 2: Cruel Summer. Billy crashes through the glass doors of the hospital as the title appears. Using a drip stand as a weapon, Max lunges at Billy, before the film abruptly ends.

Funny, campy and as well as heart-felt homage to slasher films of the 80s, the film resonated with horror enthusiasts as well as comedy fans. I give this a 7.5 outta 10!

Baywatch (2017)

Baywatch is a 2017 American action comedy film directed by Seth Gordon and based on the television series of the same name. Written by Mark Swift and Damian Shannon, the film stars Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Priyanka Chopra, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Rohrbach and Jon Bass. The plot follows lifeguard Mitch Buchannon and his team, who in an effort to save their beach have to take down a druglord.

Ok, so this is a basically a kind of reboot of the Baywatch show with the same character names but totally different characters. Dwayne Johnson is Mitch Buchanan, a muscle bound LT in the lifeguard section that protects the beach and the people who visit and swim there. He is not the same Mitch but there is another Mitch (with a brief cameo by David Hassellhoff) who was this Mitch’s mentor. Basically the character is The Rock in red! Zac Effron plays Matt Brody, a former Olympic gold medal swimmer who fell from grace to grass after vomiting during a relay race and now has to perform community service as part of an unspecified plea deal. Brody is an attitude laden, smug and arrogant but he has a point to prove. His initial interactions with the rest of the lifeguards do not go well but he is given another chance by Mitch.

We have second-in-commmand Stephanie Holden (Ilfenesh Hadera) and veteran C. J. Parker (Kelly Rohrbach), and joining them are the three new recruits – surfer Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario), an old friend of Holden’s, Ronnie (Jon Bass), a chubby nerd with a crush on C. J. (that is gradually returned), and Brody. These guys also think that other than just “saving lives” they should also be the law and investigate murders and drug smuggling! The villain is played by Priyanka Chopra as Victoria Leeds! First of all, her accent has improved but not by much. Second of all, I was so satisfied when she got blown away (since I cannot stand Little Miss Faker). She is a wealthy businesswoman who is smuggling in drugs and will go to any lengths to get what she wants.

The movie has a few laughs but the gross teenager aimed dick jokes and vomit jokes is getting lame when you have 40-plus lead actor and Effron is 29 now. The acting is barely there, the plot simple and they are trying too hard for the laughs. The cliched reasons why Brody changes his ways and becomes part of the team or “family” is so outdated. It’s a half-hearted attempt to bring the franchise to the big screen. Props for getting two small cameos by Hassellhoff and Pamela Anderson. I give the film a 6.5 outta 10!

RIP Jerry Lewis

Jerry Lewis, the comedian and filmmaker who was adored by many, disdained by others, but unquestionably a defining figure of American entertainment in the 20th century, died on Sunday morning at his home in Las Vegas. He was 91. His death was confirmed by his publicist, Candi Cazau.

Mr. Lewis knew success in movies, on television, in nightclubs, on the Broadway stage and in the university lecture hall. His career had its ups and downs, but when it was at its zenith there were few stars any bigger. And he got there remarkably quickly. Barely out of his teens, he shot to fame shortly after World War II with a nightclub act in which the rakish, imperturbable Dean Martin crooned and the skinny, hyperactive Mr. Lewis capered around the stage, a dangerously volatile id to Mr. Martin’s supremely relaxed ego. After his break with Mr. Martin in 1956, Mr. Lewis went on to a successful solo career, eventually writing, producing and directing many of his own films. As a spokesman for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, Mr. Lewis raised vast sums for charity; as a filmmaker of great personal force and technical skill, he made many contributions to the industry, including the invention in 1960 of a device — the video assist, which allowed directors to review their work immediately on the set — still in common use.

Jerry Lewis was born on March 16, 1926, in Newark. Most sources, including his 1982 autobiography, “Jerry Lewis: In Person,” give his birth name as Joseph Levitch. But Shawn Levy, author of the exhaustive 1996 biography “King of Comedy: The Life and Art of Jerry Lewis,” unearthed a birth record that gave his first name as Jerome. In 1944 — a 4F classification kept him out of the war — he was performing at the Downtown Theater in Detroit when he met Patti Palmer, a 23-year-old singer. Three months later they were married, and on July 31, 1945, while Patti was living with Jerry’s parents in Newark and he was performing at a Baltimore nightclub, she gave birth to the first of the couple’s six sons, Gary, who in the 1960s had a series of hit records with his band Gary Lewis and the Playboys. The couple divorced in 1980.

Between his first date with Ms. Palmer and the birth of his first son, Mr. Lewis had met Dean Martin, a promising young crooner from Steubenville, Ohio. The two men made many appearances on early live television, their first on the June 20, 1948, debut broadcast of Toast of the Town on CBS (later officially renamed The Ed Sullivan Show on September 25, 1955). This was followed on October 3, 1948, by an appearance on the NBC series Welcome Aboard, then a stint as the first of a series of hosts of The Colgate Comedy Hour in 1950. Just before appearing on The Colgate Comedy Hour, Lewis hired Norman Lear and Ed Simmons to become regular writers for the Martin and Lewis bits. The duo began their Paramount film careers as ensemble players in My Friend Irma (1949), based on the popular radio series of the same name. This was followed by a sequel My Friend Irma Goes West (1950).

Starting with At War with the Army (1950), Martin and Lewis were the stars of their own vehicles in fourteen additional titles, That’s My Boy (1951), Sailor Beware (1952), Jumping Jacks (1952; also appearing in the Crosby and Hope film, Road to Bali as cameos), The Stooge (1952), Scared Stiff (1953), The Caddy (1953), Money from Home (1953), Living It Up (1954), 3 Ring Circus (1954), You’re Never Too Young (1955), Artists and Models (1955) and Pardners (1956) at Paramount, ending with Hollywood or Bust (1956). All sixteen movies were produced by Hal B. Wallis. Attesting to the comedy team’s popularity, DC Comics published the best-selling The Adventures of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis comics from 1952 to 1957.  As Martin’s roles in their films became less important over time, the partnership came under strain. Martin’s participation became an embarrassment in 1954 when Look magazine published a publicity photo of the team for the magazine cover but cropped Martin out. The partnership ended on July 24, 1956.

Lewis remained at Paramount and became a comedy star in his own right with his first film as a solo comic, The Delicate Delinquent (1957). Meanwhile, DC Comics published a new comic book series titled The Adventures of Jerry Lewis, running from 1957 to 1971. Teaming with director Frank Tashlin, whose background as a Warner Bros. Looney Tunes cartoon director suited Lewis’s brand of humor, he starred in five more films, The Sad Sack (1957), Rock-A-Bye Baby (195, The Geisha Boy (195, Don’t Give Up The Ship (1959) and even appeared uncredited as Itchy McRabbitt in Li’l Abner (1959). By the end of his contract with producer Hal B. Wallis, Lewis had several productions of his own under his belt. In 1959, a contract between Paramount Pictures and Jerry Lewis Productions was signed specifying a payment of $10 million plus 60% of the profits for 14 films over a seven-year period.[21] In 1960, Lewis finished his contract with Wallis with Visit to a Small Planet (1960) and wrapped up work on his own production Cinderfella, which was postponed for a Christmas 1960 release and Paramount, needing a quickie feature film for its summer 1960 schedule, held Lewis to his contract to produce one.

Lewis came up with The Bellboy (1960).  Lewis followed The Bellboy by directing several more films that he co-wrote with Richmond while some were directed by Tashlin, including The Ladies Man(1961), The Errand Boy (1961), It’s Only Money (1962) and The Nutty Professor (1963). Lewis did a cameo appearance in It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963). Further on, more Lewis films were Who’s Minding the Store? (1963), The Patsy (1964) and The Disorderly Orderly (1964). Also in 1961, Lewis guest starred in an episode of The Garry Moore Show. Lewis hosted two different versions of The Jerry Lewis Show (a 1963 lavish, big-budget 13-week show for ABC and a 1967 one-hour variety show for NBC). Lewis directed and co-wrote The Family Jewels (1965) about a young heiress who must choose among six uncles, one of whom is up to no good and out to harm the girl’s beloved bodyguard who practically raised her. Lewis played all six uncles and the bodyguard. Lewis would next appear in Boeing Boeing (1965).

Also in 1965, Lewis made television appearances on Ben Casey, The Andy Williams Show and Hullabaloo. Lewis packed up and went to Columbia Pictures, where he made Three On A Couch (1966), then appeared in Way…Way Out (1966) for 20th Century Fox. During 1966, Lewis guest starred in Batman, Password and in a pilot for Sheriff Who. Lewis continued with more movies, such as The Big Mouth (1967) and Don’t Raise the Bridge, Lower the River (196. He continued to act in the 70s but didn’t appear in a film for 11 years returned to film in Hardly Working (1981), a movie in which he both directed and starred. Despite being panned by critics, it eventually earned $50 million. Lewis next appeared in Martin Scorsese’s film The King of Comedy (1983). Lewis guest hosted SNL and also appeared in Cracking Up a.k.a. Smorgasbord (1983) and Slapstick (Of Another Kind) (1984). In France, Lewis starred in both To Catch a Cop a.k.a. The Defective Detective (1984) and How Did You Get In? We Didn’t See You Leave (1984).

In 2012, Lewis directed a musical theatre version of The Nutty Professor at the Tennessee Performing Arts Center in Nashville from July 31 to August 19 over the summer. In Brazil, Lewis appeared in Till Luck Do Us Part 2 (2013). He then next starred in a small role in the crime drama The Trust (2016). Lewis made a comeback in a lead role in Max Rose (2016). Lewis was married twice: Patti Palmer, a former singer with Ted Fio Rito; married October 3, 1944, divorced September 1980; SanDee Pitnick; married February 13, 1983; a 32-year-old Las Vegas dancer; married in Key Biscayne, Florida. He had six sons (one adopted) and one daughter (adopted).