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The Anti-Bucket List

What are the top items on your anti-bucket list — those things you never, ever want to do, places you never want to visit, books you never want to read, etc.?

This is interesting. Usually I have heard of bucket lists that people prepare and I have been asked my own bucket list. Though I have never ever sorted out an official bucket list for myself – I know what I want and I have a few things that I feel that I must do before the end but never written it down anywhere – we all have things that we know what we just would want to do before we die.

So here goes a few things on my anti-bucket list

  • never want to be arrested
  • never want to watch Twilight (all the movies)
  • and Transformers
  • no interest in Dr. Who either
  • never want to go to Saudi Arabia
  • never want to be a brown-noser
  • never want to be a hypocrite
  • never want to go to overly religious sites

I guess this list will get bigger as time passes by. For now this is it.

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Procrastination Destination

We all procrastinate. Website, magazine, knitting project, TV show, something else — what’s your favorite procrastination destination?

The internet ofcourse! It’s obvious that we all are online a little too much and I spend more than my fair share online. Especially Facebook and Youtube. I am addicted to them both. I know I shouldn’t spend as much time as I do on them but I just can’t stop.

Youtube is the big one for me. I subscribe to a lot of channels and I make my own videos as well and there are so many videos that I watch over and over again. It’s a lot of fun and I do not plan on stopping anytime soon. I can spend hours going through Youtube videos and on my days off when I stay at home that’s what I do. In between I will watch a movie or two or some tv show episodes But yeah that’s what I do.

Sometimes I get late to go somewhere or get ready because I am in the middle of some Youtube video watching. Sleep comes second as well. And I love my procrastination destination.

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The Young(??) And The Rested

When was the last time you felt truly rejuvenated and energized? What made you feel that way?

To be honest the last time I felt like that was last year towards the middle of February. 2016 almost a year ago to this day. That is a long time to ever have to feel like that. After 2 months of really long, long hours at work and barely getting much time to myself except for the weekends I got a 6 day off period from work. In this industry we rarely get holidays and since I usually fall sick and have to take 2 sick days a month (I celebrate when I don’t have to take a sick leave in a month or keep it to just one a month) and hence I usually have just a few days off in my leave count anyways.

But that time, I had quite a few days in my kitty and I wanted a few days off. I wanted 9 including two weekends so basically I just wanted a 5 day week off. But I only got 4 since my boss wanted me back in the office on the Friday. Still getting 6 days off was a good thing. I didn’t do much on those 6 days but slept and enjoyed myself. I went shopping on two days and the other 4 days I was lazy as hell. Watched a bunch of stuff on tv and a few movies and I was so rejuvenated. I wish I could get a few days off like that again.

Last December I took 2 days off just before the weekend and in total the 4 days gave me some much needed rest. But I rarely can stay away from work related and things that bother me. So my mind is always occupied. I need a big recharge. This coffee just isn’t doing it.

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All Or Nothing At All

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.” — Sylvia Plath. Which do you find more dangerous: wanting nothing, or wanting everything?

I think it’s a catch 22 type of situation if you want it all. Wanting everything means that you will likely never be satisfied because you are always planning and waiting for the things that you don’t have. If you want to keep the next achievement or award or whatever it is that you want as a way to challenge and motivate yourself then I think it’s pretty healthy to do so as long as you also appreciate what it is that you do have and take some moments to cherish them.

Wanting nothing at all is so dangerous. It’s not human at all to not want or desire. That is what fuels us and gives us purposes. It need not be money or fame or anything like that. It can be wanting a peaceful existence or wanting happiness and joy and having a wonderful family life. If you do not want anything at all then you are dead inside, a hollow shell of a being. How can you not want something? No way can a human being want nothing. If they do say so they are liars.

It’s a good balance to have though if you are satisfied with what you have and yet also look forward to something more. Means you will work on it. You will improve yourself and your surroundings. You have a passion to reach out for.

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The Week That Is

Think about what you wanted to accomplish last week. Did you? What are the things that hold you back from doing everything you’d like to do?

I had a couple of things I wanted to do this past week – well work week anyway. I had applied a few days before for an internal job posting at the company I work for and I had two interviews set for this Monday and Wednesday. I had my first round, a presentation round on Monday at 7 pm which eventually became almost 7:45 pm due to some issues. Anyway I completed that and I think did well enough. On Wednesday I had a personal interview round which was a casual affair.

That done I was on a complimentary off on Thursday for having worked on the previous Thursday which was Republic Day. As the clients were in the office I had to come in for work and I could take this Thursday for some personal reasons. I also went to KFC in the evening and bought some take away. It was a busy day though. The other thing I wanted to achieve isn’t completed yet. I wanted to get a couple of people who I am close to job interviews at a company or two using my contacts. One was done and she is through now I am waiting for the second one to attend the same. It will have to be on Monday next.

And that’s about it. I also sold my previous phone, my BlackBerry Q10, and using that money to get some ships for my Star Trek collection. Today is relaxing at home and tomorrow I will go out and watch a movie.

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New Dawn

How often do you get to (or have to) be awake for sunrise? Tell us about what happened the last time you were up so early (or late…).

I rarely am awake at sunrise though it is often a funny, weird feeling to be awake at that time. During the odd days that I am awake because of work I am usually too tired to even worry about something like get a cup of coffee and go stand in the balcony and watch the sunrise.

But yes I have done that at times when I am at home and usually alone. I have had some other days when sleep either fails me or I happen to wake up early and it usually is very quiet. I usually will switch on a movie or some tv show – once I actually watched an Iron Maiden special and a couple of times I have watch comedy standups. Anything really. And yes I have gotten that coffee and gone to the balcony.

I do like being awake at that time and enjoying some quiet time by myself. It’s ok once in a while.

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Born to Be With You

Got a soul-mate and/or a best friend? What is it about that person that you love best? Describe them in great detail — leave no important quality out.

No I do not have one. I wish I did. At times I thought I had found her. I never have any luck in this department. Not that I have the best of luck in other areas either. But I guess I am destine to be alone and never find the one that will be with me. I have been in love before and I have had love given to me. I have been in a relationship or two but it has been a very long time since. And it is lonely.

I’ve recently fallen for a young lady, a girl really. She is quite younger than me. I never meant for it to happen but over several months I met her and got to know her and become really close and I feel like I shouldn’t have fallen for her especially with the age difference but it happened. And I have been even more lonely because of that. Knowing that I can not do anything about it was tough; telling her how I felt about it has been even tougher. I wasn’t expecting anything from it but I just felt that I had to, to explain some of my actions. I adore her and I feel bad about it.

I guess it means that I will never learn. Another heartache comes and I know it will eventually go away. But the hurt will still remain and so will the loneliness. Of wishing that it would happen for me someday. I guess it won’t and that hurts a lot. I hope that someday I can find myself not caring anymore- it would make things so much more easier.

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The Greatest Fear

People are afraid of all kinds of things: spiders, the dark, or being enclosed in small spaces. Tell us about your greatest fear — rational or irrational.

Fear of failure. I have had two terrible periods of time in my life where that came true and I was miserable and lost and it felt like I was a burden to the world and family and society and that it would have been better if I had never existed. That is a terrible thing to go through.

I have this fear, which I feel is rooted in reality and that it will come true, that once my parents pass away I am going to be all alone. I will live the rest of my life alone as a lonely old bachelor who has no one to come home to. That I will spend my weekends and holidays alone at home hoping for some friend or relative who will be free to have lunch / dinner or a few drinks. I will retire from work and live a lonely secluded life with just the internet, music and movies/tv shows to keep me company.

Ofcourse those things are important but at the end of the day I will be alone. All alone and I will die alone.

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Wall To Wall

What do you display on the walls of your home — photos, posters, artwork, nothing? How do you choose what to display? What mood are you trying to create?

Currently I just have two things up – I have a painting of a ship on the ocean given to me at one of my previous places of work and a larger 3d picture of two birds sitting on a tree given to me on my 34th birthday by my team at another previous place of work. We have a few other artwork in the living room.

Growing up in my bedroom back in our family’s home in Thrikkakara for the longest time I had rock band and musician posters up on my wall. Some football and tennis posters too. My room at a time was the source of envy for many because I took great care in arranging them and even adults at the time would say that they couldn’t have done a better job.

Now I prefer it bare and anyways I have a bookshelf of my favourite starships on display in my room. And that is more than enough for me.

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Nasty Cold Almost Gone

The last couple of days have been a pain in the ass……both literally and figuratively! I hurt my butt  (well more like lower back) by falling asleep on a hard object most likely my inhaler because that has happened before. Thursday was fine but since Friday my ass has been hurting!

Thursday I was on leave and in the evening I was attending an impromptu birthday party for my cousin who was turning 50. We went to the rooftop restaurant in Mercy Estate and the 16 of us were eating and drinking. In the cold evening air and two large cold beers must have contributed and I woke up on Friday morning with a nasty cold. I went to work but was still feeling ill on Saturday morning. I slept most of the day or lay in bed watching some tv and also slept quite a bit.

I feel a bit more better today though the pain in my ass is still there. Today will be more movies and sleep and watching a football match in the evening. Early bed time too.

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Texture

Textures are everywhere: The rough edges of a stone wall. The smooth innocence of a baby’s cheek. The sense of touch brings back memories for us. What texture is particularly evocative to you?

Lots of things. The touch of cool, clean sheets on my naked body, the feel of a soft but firm pillow. Nice clean clothes on you. The feel of a woman’s body next to yours, the touch of her smooth hand on your skin. That human touch is the most evocative and the most natural, nurturing and joyful.

The scent, the smell, the touch of skin on skin just cannot be beat. There is no greater feeling in the world when two loving humans are together and as bare as the day they were born. No dirty stuff intended but that naked touch is part of our nature. It is in our basic dna that we crave that touch.

Lets give in to that feeling that we crave.

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Meeting The Offspring For Lunch

Today I met my daughters for lunch. Ok, not my real daughters. These are two young ladies who I had trained at the office and were in the same company as me, until they quit back in April of 2016. But they are very close to me and I am close to them. Their names are Gopika and Athira.

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They are 24 and 23 years old and because of the age difference they jokingly called me daddy and the name stuck and now that’s all that they call me. I was made fun of and teased at the office like crazy because of these two but it was all fun. Even for me too, even though I would get red with embarrassment and blush! But I love them as they love me. Even their family know that I am called daddy – much to my even more embarrassment.

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We met at 12pm for lunch at Center Mall. First we sat and talked for a while then I treated them to pizza at Pizza Hut and later ice cream sundaes. Around half the people in the mall thought I really was their father because these two would loudly call me that!

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At the entrance. I was talking to these girls when this hot chick passed by. When they saw me looking at her , they loudly started saying “Daddy, daddy”! That chick turned around and looked at us and I was standing there with egg on my face. Hehehehe, all in a day’s work for dad.

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That Feeling

Tell us about the last thing you got excited about — butterflies-in-the-stomach, giggling, can’t-wait excited.

I honestly cannot remember the last thing I got really excited about. It’s been a while. I can’t remember even getting that excited about starting this job, my current one, when I got selected for it after several months of joblessness. Even my last two phones and my current laptop which I got over a year back.

Ok, I do get excited for things that I buy – my very first Star Trek starship which was the USS Enterprise D in particular was a very exciting thing as it was my first after waiting for such a long, long time. Movies that I have been looking forward to for a while offers some excitement but not butterflies-in-the-stomach kind. I wonder what will it take for me, at this stage of my life, to get that kind of feeling again.

I have applied for a different post at my office this past week and I am looking forward to attending the interview rounds and seeing if I get it. And if I do I also want to see how I can do at it and that does offer some excitement. But it’s just a job though I have to see how much more money I can get from it. Still no butterflies!

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Not Blown Away

When was the last time a movie, a book, or a television show left you cold despite all your friends (and/or all the critics) raving about it? What was it that made you go against the critical consensus?

Usually movies. The Harry Potter, Twilight and Hunger Games series. Transformers – though most people do not like Michael Bay movies anyway. Some classic horror like The Exorcist (though I think it’s because I have known so much about it for years and years and built it up in my head a lot that when I finally saw it, I was like “this is scary”?).

And to be honest I am not blown away by anything Star Wars. I mean, it’s a family drama with some weapons and soldiers set in outer space and alien planets! And Chris Nolan movie – I mean they are good movies and all that but I am not blown away. Ok, Inception was unique and fantastic but the rest, not blowing my mind.

Sue me!

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Calm The Nerves

It’s the night before an important event: a big exam, a major presentation, your wedding. How do you calm your nerves in preparation for the big day?

I have a few things that I can do. One is to calm myself down with a cold drink and listening to some of my favourite music. At this point I might not go for the rockers and faster paced numbers but more laid back blues or softer ballads and happier tunes. Just to take the edge off and relax.

I can also get some good food and maybe a beer or some vodka and chill for a while. Watch some comedy show or movie to get your mind of things and laugh silly for a couple of hours. What more do you need to calm the nerves down before the big day?

Alternatively you can call a friend and / or go for a walk around the block and wind down.

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Gone And I Don’t Care

Imagine yourself at the end of your life. What sort of legacy will you leave? Describe the lasting effect you want to have on the world, after you’re gone.

To be honest the way I feel right now, I wouldn’t care less if no one thought about me even for a second after I am gone. I couldn’t care less about leaving a legacy. I am done with life and expecting good things from it. I expect the worst. I have given up.

Nothing I planned with the best of intentions has ever worked out. I have been unlucky in most of the things that I set out to do. I have the worst luck possible and in the end I always end up feeling guilty, lost, lonely and with a terrible sense of regret. I do not want that anymore and I wouldn’t want that to be my legacy either. So why both with one.

So after I’m gone it should be like I never even existed. Gone out in fumes of my funeral pyre and never to be remembered. Done, dusted and dead.

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Last Day Of 2016

I forgot to blog about what I did on the 31st. Well, I woke up after 10:30 am and settled in front of the laptop till noon. I had planned to treat two young ladies from work – two very young ladies who I have trained when they first joined the company we work for as I am a trainer – who I am close with. I’ve been meaning to treat them for lunch or dinner for several weeks as they live in a hostel/paying guest and food isn’t that great there. They told me they enjoy going out on Sunday to eat at a nice restaurant whenever they are still in town.

So as they had plans to go shopping in the morning, I told then that I would meet them around 1pm. I fixed the venue for Golden Dragon in Ravipuram as they didn’t know most places here but they said they loved Chinese. And it’s my favourite place to go for lunch or dinner. We met a little after 1pm and we took a table. They wanted fried rice so I ordered that and Golden Dragon’s special dragon chicken and Hong Kong chicken. We enjoyed the nice meal till they had to go (they had been working the later shift the previous day and had only had a couple of hours of sleep)  and I walked them out. I then took an Uber to Center Mall.

I had booked a ticket for the 3:20 pm screening of the film Assassin’s Creed and it was so boring! I managed to stay awake (I was feeling sleepy too as I had little sleep the previous night though I was doing a 2:30 pm to 11:30 pm shift) and needed my coke and caramel popcorn to keep me awake. About 20 minutes after the interval I couldn’t bother to stay in my seat and so I walked out, went to the loo, returned my 3d glasses and went to the Big Bazaar outlet for a few things. About 20 mins there and I was back on my way home. As my folks were going to go to some place for the night, I thought I’d just stay home, drink some vodka and eat a pizza.

So I ordered a pizza from Dominos and a Sprite which I added to my vodka and enjoyed a few drinks with my pizza dinner until 11pm. I started watching tv shows and a movie and went to sleep quite late. Even after I switched the lights off at 3am I couldn’t go to sleep till about 5 am. I’ll post a blog entry about what kept me awake in a day or two. I feel good about 2017 and I am ok with what happened.

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New Year’s Eve Vlog Attempt

I was alone at home for New Year’s eve and so I ordered a pizza which I washed down with some Smirnoff Green Apple vodka & Sprite. It was meant to be a review but since I have done this review already, it turned into a year end vlog – sort off. I was a little emotional and lonely at the time so I apologize.