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No Pain, No Gain, No Mullah!

Do you agree with Jane Fonda’s favorite exercise motto, “no pain, no gain?” Is it impossible to attain greatness without considerable hardship?

I think not. No matter how much we think the ultra-rich and famous people have it easy, they have had to do something in the form of pain that ultimately gave them their wealth or increased what they already had. Like if you think someone was born into wealth, they still had to maintain that wealth by doing things to get more money. It just doesn’t grow on trees.

Sure there are those “celebs” who seem to be famous just for being famous and it seems that for no reason they keep getting paid large sums of money to keep being famous. I dunno why that is so but at some point or the other they either have to do crazy things to keep themselves in the spotlight and maintain their fame or work hard at just what it is that they are famous for. And hence keep the money rolling in.

It’s a strange world out there for famous people.

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New Wrinkles

You wake up one day and realize you’re ten years older than you were the previous night. Beyond the initial shock, how does this development change your life plans?

Well if I woke up tomorrow and found out that I had suddenly turned 50 – retirement would be up in a few years! The end would come much faster. I’d be 50. Fucking 50. An age which it felt like just a few years ago was centuries away. That’s how devastating it would be for me.

I like life and I like doing whatever it is that I feel like doing on any free day. I would feel that at 50, this dude would be inclined to stay at home much more and drinking coffee and liquor every Saturday and Sunday evening and order in more than going out. I dunno, but being a bachelor is lonely most of the time and hence, going out and seeing happy couples and families is taxing for you.

I would also probably look around and see what changes I could make to my life and make it more comfortable and healthier would also be in the works. I’d probably also save a lot more. I don’t think much else would change.

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My Secret Admirer

You return home to discover a huge flower bouquet waiting for you, no card attached. Who is it from — and why did they send it to you?

Well, I’m hoping it’s this bodacious babe I keep giving longing stares at everytime I see her at the office cafeteria. She is so hot and sexy with those eyebrows and eyes and red, pouty lips and those curves on that body. I have no idea what her name is and have been trying to find out and also the nerve to go and talk to her.

I find her hot and I find her desirable and I wanna make babies with her. But ofcourse, especially as she works in the same office as I do, I wouldn’t dare do anything so bold and brazen but if I do get an little chance, I will introduce myself and make friends with her. Once and it was a few months ago, I opened the door for her so she could pass first, as I am a gentleman and always do that, and she looked at me and smiled a grateful and thankful smile at me (oh how long that euphoria lasted) like in “chivalry isn’t dead?” but that’s been the extent of my interaction with her.

So I would hope it’s from her. She wants to have coffee…..tea…..and me! Not particularly in any order! And she wants to make babies with me. I am terrible, I know. And I make no excuses for it.

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Instant Celebrity

If you could be a famous person for a day, who would you be? Why?

Why would I want to be some other famous person? I want to still be me but famous and popular and stinking filthy rich. But I still want to be me! There’s no one else I’d rather be. But I want to be so loved and so popular and — did I mention rich? – and so desirable and sexy that women and teenage girls will wet their panties as soon as I arrive before them in person and flash a smile in their direction.

If I could change places with a famous person who is living, I’d pick ……. Hugh Hefner. Man does he know how to live and what a life! Surrounded by all those Playboy Playmates in his mansion 24/7! I’d be swimming in perfect bodies all day long and all night long. He is my hero and I’d want to swap places with him right now or even 10 years back. That is the life to live.

Otherwise, I’d want to make my own crazy rich, indulgent and wild life. With busty & gorgeous women holding on my arms, and other body parts, having a party.

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I Was Here First

You are the first astronaut to arrive on a new, uncharted planet. Write the note that you leave to those who come after you.

Aha, the perfect dream. I have always wanted to be the first to land on an alien planet and claim it in the name of all mankind. A planet where there is no life…or wait, atleast no sentient life. We can have animals and birds and even insects there. Some delicious animals for the barbecue. Hmmmm, alien barbecue!

I digress! So yeah as I land on this lush and beautiful planet with hills, valleys, snow capped mountain ranges, lakes, rivers, seas and oceans with abundant plant and animal/fish life, and pristine, greenery and beautiful landscapes, as I take my first steps on this uncharted planet I will say and note down “One small step for Roshan, one giant leap for Roshankind!”

What? I can’t say that. Neil who? Ok, all I shall leave for others who come after me is this “I have hidden treasure here and you who have found it can keep it.”

(P.S. – there is no treasure)

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Seven Words

Khalil Gibran once said that people will never understand one another unless language is reduced to seven words. What would your seven words be?

I don’t rate Khalil Gibran so high that I should buy these ideas of his but let’s give this a try. My 7 words would be:

  • pizza (cheese, bacon or other pork items with olives and mushrooms please)
  • beer
  • metal (as in music)
  • vodka
  • scifi (hey, treat it like it’s one word)
  • wifi
  • football (as in soccer to those ignorant as to the right name for the greatest sport ever)

I think that should be fine.

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My Dream Media Room

If I had a lot of money, like a Rs.80,00,000 or so then I would get my family to sell this small apartment we live in and buy us a house. Not that big but a new house with a little land at the side of front or back. With a lawn and a small garden. A two storey house with a living room / dining room, a nice kitchen, a bedroom with an attached bathroom in the ground floor and 2-3 bedrooms with attached in the first floor.

I would want to design a media room as well. A nice comfortable one with big recliners seats for 5-8 people. Display cases for dvds and blurays. Popcorn machine in one corner. A huge tv screen as well as a projector screen for watching movies, sports and tv shows. Surround sound speakers. A little bar at the back.

I can dream can’t I?

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Autumn Leaves

Changing colors, dropping temperatures, pumpkin spice lattes: do these mainstays of Fall fill your heart with warmth — or with dread?

Why would you be filled with dread during autumn? Colours changing on the leaves on the trees, the temperature is cooler and you need a sweater or a jacket when you go outside, lattes with pumpkin flavours and beer in pumpkin flavours, fire on in the fireplace, lots of hot cocoa with marshmellows, kids and dogs playing in the fallen leaves.

Unless you have seen the Halloween movie franchise one too many times, why would you fear all these things? Oh yeah, how can I forget celebrating Halloween? The dressing up in costumes, going to houses and saying “trick or treat” and getting lots & lots of candy from stranger people! And then eating those treats back in your home.

Now being Indian I got none of those things. We live in a tropical climate area so it’s heat or monsoon season and then a period where it’s nicer (less heat but hardly any rain) and we don’t celebrate Halloween so it’s boring that we don’t get the fall pleasures. Oh well!

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Advantage of Foresight

You’ve been granted the power to predict the future! The catch — each time you use your power, it costs you one day (as in, you’ll live one day less). How would you use this power, it at all?

Well I have always wanted this particular power, the power to predict the future. Imagine the money I could make, placing bets on sports games and winning big on gambling and stuff. I would be rolling in dough! I’d be dirty, rotten, filthy, stinking rich! Well….no I would be clean because I would be soaking in a bathtub every night and I’d smell great because the bath water and soap would also have perfumes and other delightful fragrances in it and so I’d be smelling lovely and clean rich!

But since I’d lose one day of my lifespan each time I use my powers I’d be careful and use my powers very wisely. I’d win big, make my millions and billions in as few bets as possible so I’d lose like just 10-20 days but I’d be rich enough for a 1000 lifetimes. I’d be swimming in pools of cash, that kinda rich! And I’d have a bunch of gorgeous, busty, voluptuous babes all hanging around me – blondes, brunettes, redheads from all over the globe! Just wanting to be pampered by me and we’d all live in a great big mansion in the hills and I’d indulge in outrageous orgy parties with my girls.

So I’d still live a long, luxurious and indulgent lifestyle for the rest of my days and only lose 20 days or at the most a month for it. Easy peasy!

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Binding Judgment

Does it ever make sense to judge a book by its cover — literally or metaphorically? Tell us about a time you did, and whether that was a good decision or not.

Sometimes you just can’t help it. It’s your own perceptions, your life experiences with dealing with certain things and well the opinions of the local media and those of others around you that shape your judgement. You tend to be hasty and quick to judge right off the bat and it is by something’s or someone’s “cover”.

You can’t say if a person is good just because they look good or fit your description of what beautiful looks like. They can be attractive as hell but be all kinds of sadistic & twisted shit on the inside. Never go by just the looks. If they are as good as they look you will find out soon enough and you can go by that. Also some folks may not be glamorous or have good looks or even halfway attractive looks and may be plain, have weight issues and may not have the greatest sense of fashion. But they will be decent and good people.

Finding out what sort of people they are is sometimes hard and your hopes can be dashed. But it is important to do so.

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Musings Of The Creatures Of The Night

If a pregnant woman who’s a werewolf turns into a werewolf does her unborn baby turn into an unborn wolf?

If a vampire bites a werewolf does the werewolf now become a werepire or a vampwolf?

Similarly what if a vampire and a werewolf were to have sex – whichever is female – what would the offspring be?

Wait a minute, can a female vampire become pregnant and carry a baby to term? She is undead so how can she?

Also can a male vampire get erect? The heart is beating so how does the blood flow to his penis?

What if a zombie bites a vampire and a werewolf? Or a vampire bites a zombie? Does the zombie become a vampire zombie?

What if a zombie bites a vampire and a werewolf? Or a werewolf bites a zombie? Does the zombie become a werewolf zombie?

What if a mosquito bites a vampire? And the vampire bites it back? Vampiresuito!!!

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Local Color

Imagine we lived in a world that’s all of a sudden devoid of color, but where you’re given the option to have just one object keep its original hue. Which object (and which color) would that be?

If everything in the world were to lose it’s colour and we lived in a black n white world – like looking in an old time movie from back in the day, what would I want to keep it’s original hue? Hmmm let me think.

Beer! The lager colour, the regular golden hue colour of beer that is the most common in the world. That is one to light up the world. Even now so imagine what it could do in the world that is devoid of colour. That beautiful sunlight inside a glass or bottle shining it’s beacon of light to thirsty souls around the globe.

So let it the colour of beer. The best yellow/gold in the world.

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Forward Drive

What is the one thing that drives you to wake up in the morning and do whatever it is you do? Is it writing, family, friends, or something else entirely?

Well, usually it is the need to pee. I drink a lot of water in a day, usually about 2 litres or so hence by the morning I need to empty my bladder and as soon as I wake up I need to relieve myself. So I head to the loo, close the door, lift up the lid and then my lungi and I let it flow!

On a serious note, it’s my bank account. No one is going to fill my bank account with cash and it can’t do it on it’s own. And since I haven’t won the lottery yet – darn it, been waiting on that $100,000,000 win for so long now – I have to get up, get shaved and showered and go to work so at the end of the month I get that cash. Because if did win big and got a big bunch of money (enough to last me a lifetime and keep me and my family well fed, well clothed and afford luxuries) I would quit. That very instant I would quit working and retire to my new home.

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Eat, Drink, and Be Merry…

…for tomorrow we die. The world is ending tomorrow! Tell us about your last dinner — the food, your dining companions, the setting, the conversation.

The food – all my favourite stuff. Pizza, burgers, bacon, chicken fry, biryanis, butter chicken, tandoori chicken, pork, ham, pepperoni, shawarmas, beer, rum, vodka, ice creams and shakes and coffees.

The dining companions – I have a few people in mind. Close family, some friends. But I would dump them all for some hot women.

The setting – a luxury hotel room with big beds

The conversation – fuck talking, I am having an orgy with those hot women! And I don’t care about the world ending tomorrow cause I can die the happiest man in the history of the world.

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Fearless Fantasies

How would your life be different if you were incapable of feeling fear? Would your life be better or worse than it is now?

I think a lot of us would have different lives if we were incapable of feeling fear. We might be more adventurous and more brave and take more risks. Some bully harassing you? Kick him in the balls! The job is great and you want it but you have to move half way across the country? Hell yeah, let’s do it.

I think people will become mostly risk takers start skydiving, adventure trekking, deep sea diving, catching sharks under water, hunting wild animals all the time, wrestler big wrestler, get into the ring with boxing / MMA fighters, jump off tall skyscrapers, want to go into space and do all kinds of crazier shit than what I can think of. And that can be dangerous too! While life might become more interesting it can also make it short if you aren’t careful. Sticking your head into a lion’s mouth? Well that can make you lose your head right there.

Life might be better if we lost the ability to feel fear but can balance that with a lot of intelligent thinking and if we had the right information in front of us. To let you know that it’s not ok to check out the tonsils of that hungry and mean looking lion! Balance is what we need.

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Rain

Rain over me you sweet clouds of coolness. We are experiencing that dreaded summer yet again. When the coolness of December and January dies out and February is still plesant, March more than makes up for the lack of heat and humidity. I wish for some rain, some beautiful cool rain to wash all over us. Wash away the sweat and the grime and the dust from our bodies and buildings.

It’s become really hot and humid in the city lately. I guess it’s all over Kerala. I bet if you check statistics, March-April-June are the months of the year when there is the least amount of baby making happening in Kerala. Because who wants all that heat and humidity sticking to you! I dunno though, sometimes heat can drive people horny too!

I think the heat and humidity is getting to me. I am delirious and not thinking straight. Fall down on us rain, you sweet nectar of the clouds.

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The Full Moon

When the full moon happens, you turn into a person who’s the opposite of who you normally are. Describe this new you.

Have you seen the original Nutty Professor with Jerry Lewis and how he turns from this goofy, nerdy, buck toothed and socially awkward university professor who finally succeed in one of his experiments and invents a serum that turns him into the handsome, suave, charming and cheeky girl-chasing hipster, Buddy Love? I want to turn into that kind of guy when the full moon appears.

Why? Because he is cool and smooth and he gets the girls and he is confident. I want all that! I want to be like that. Why not? So yeah, I would want to turn into Mr. Cool Roshan who is a hearthrob and gets all the chicks he wants fall at him and sweep them off their feet. And not ever sleep alone at all. So let’s get this chemical explosion happening and make me suave!

Ole!

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Barter System

If the world worked on a barter system, how would you fare? Would you have services to barter? Would you be successful, or would you struggle?

I dunno, barter system in current day. What if someday all the currency in the world is destroyed or made useless because of something stupid that humans did and we had to resort to going back to a barter system for food, essentials and other goods?

What can I give? A winning smile, a joke and a sarcastic comment! My charm and wit. My sweet personality? My endless supply of dirty jokes. Or could I get good for sex? No? Ok then, I will have to rely on my charm and dirty jokes!

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