Theological Debate

During the Reformation, the Pope was urged to banish nonbelievers from Rome, which would have involved removing Rome’s venerable Jewish community. The Pope resisted. “They’ve lived here for centuries,” he argued. “We can’t just kick them out.” But his advisers insisted that the Holy City must be rendered theologically pure.

“Well, let’s at least give them an opportunity to demonstrate their knowledge of Christian theology,” the Pope replied.

So an emissary was dispatched to the Jewish quarter to invite the wisest Jewish elder to discuss Christian theology with the Pope, on the pain of expulsion. The news threw the Jewish leaders into panic, since none of them knew anything about Christian theology. So they assumed they had no choice but to pack up and leave.

Their meeting was about to break up when a voice spoke up from the back of the room. “What’s the big deal?” said Moishe the tailor. “I’ll talk to the Pope.” The elders were startled, because Moishe knew nothing about Christian orJewish theology. But assuming they had nothing to lose, they sent Moishe off to the Vatican.

Since Moishe spoke no Latin and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, their entire interview was conducted in sign language.

First, the Pope waved his arm back and forth over his head. Moishe responded by pointing to a spot on the floor at his feet.

Next, the Pope raised one finger of his right hand. Moishe replied by raising two fingers of his right hand.

Finally, the Pope reached beneath his priestly vestments and produced an orange. Moishe reached beneath his robe and produced a mazzah.

With that, the interview concluded. The Pope’s advisers rushed in to learn his verdict.

“These people must stay,” the Pope declared. “They’re totally conversant with Christian theology. First, I waved my arm to indicate that Christianity embraces the entire world; he pointed to the floor, in effect replying, ‘Yes, but its center is here in Rome.’

“Next, I held up one finger to indicate that we believe in one God; he raised two fingers, saying, ‘Yes, but you also believe in the Son and the Holy Ghost.’

“Finally, I produced an orange to indicate that the world is round; he produced a mazzah to suggest that it appears flat.”

Meanwhile, back in the Jewish quarter, everyone was preparing to leave when Moishe returned. “You can unpack your bags,” he announced. “I told the Pope a thing or two.”

Asked to explain, Moishe replied: “First, the Pope waved his arm to say, ‘The Jews will get out!’ I pointed to the floor, saying, ‘Oh no, you don’t — we’re staying right here!’

“Next, he pointed his finger at me, saying, ‘I’ll poke your eye out!’ I pointed two fingers at him, saying, ‘I’ll poke out both of your eyes!’

“And then we ate lunch.”

Unwelcomed

Three couples–an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple–wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replies, “No problem at all, Pastor.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied.

“What Happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn’t help myself and we had sex right there on the floor.”

The pastor said, “Well, then you’re not welcome in the Baptist church.”

“That’s OK,” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

A Special On Sins

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

Jesus Jokes

Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this

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Can Religion Help You to Become a Better Person?

You will be aware of how many people in our world turn to their religion when they are in need. Going through health struggles or facing tough decisions at work can affect all of us, but can faith help you through these moments in life? Even if you don’t follow a religion right now, you might want to consider opening your mind to a new way of thinking. Becoming a better person because of your religion is not an uncommon phenomenon in the modern day. People underestimate the power of having a heavenly figure to look up to. Consider some of the advantages of having faith in your life before you shun religion from your thoughts.

Joining a Community

There is nothing better than feeling truly welcomed into a local community. One of the best and most loyal groups you could join is The Universal Church. When you first step into the UCKG HelpCentre, you will notice that this charity is dedicated to only one thing; helping people to change their lives. From the encouraging messages in the multiple meetings every day of the week, to the accessible advice that is available free of charge, and even to the smiles that you receive from everyone you meet, you will never leave empty-handed. The UCKG HelpCentre is open seven days a week with four meetings available throughout the day during the week, so that you have the freedom to attend at a time that is convenient for you. Whatever your problems may be, you will feel welcomed with open arms into this community.

Being Open Minded

Following a religion will help you to become more open minded about everything in the world. It is very easy to live with tunnel vision without noticing how your actions affect others. When you choose to incorporate faith into your life you can be sure that your mindset will alter to a more open way of thinking.

Steering You From Making Bad Decisions

People often turn to religion when they are at a crossroads in life. If you are looking to make a big change in your life, then religion might be one way to go. Getting guidance from your spiritual leader or religious community can give you that boost of support you need to make life altering decisions. Of course you can always turn to your friends and family for advice, but religious advice is often non judgemental and fair.

Whether you plan on becoming a religious person or not, you might be able to find a glimmer of positivity in faith. Even if you have been relatively close minded in the past, now is your chance to defy the norms and take a stand for yourself. If you are feeling lost in life or you don’t know where your path is taking you, religion will be able to lead you in the right direction. Consider it today and you might just become a better person because of it.

Some Religious Related One-Lines

They say that when you die you become closer to God.

Because you no longer fucking exist, right?

Why is it that when you talk to God, it’s called praying?

Whenever God talks to me, they call it schizophrenia.

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Why doesn’t God ever answer your emails?

He’s more into knee-mail.

Confessional Jokes

A man enters the confessional in a Church: “Father, I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife. I’m a film producer and about two weeks ago I slept with Jennifer Lopez.” “Anything more than confess son?” replies the priest “Yes father. Last week I was weak and I also slept with Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts.” The very calm priest asks: “Any other sin, son?” “Yes father, this week I could not contain myself and participated in a threesome with Gal Gadot and Brie Larson.” “Sorry, son, but I can not absolve you,” the priest replies. “Why not Father, if the mercy of God is infinite?” “Yes, but God will not believe you’re sorry.

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An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll leave the priesthood!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.” The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, Your wife fell two times this week.”
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\ The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see”, ‘Yes, go on’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?'” The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!? What happened next?'”

Three More Religious Jokes

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At last, they’re finally together.” Her sister sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?” The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”

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Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the other nun asks. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun says, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasp the other nuns. “What did you do?” they ask. “I poked holes in all of them!” she replies. The third nun faints.

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A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, “Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.” “Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, “Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do.”

So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, “Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do.”

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, “funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…”

FAQ To Atheists – Part 1

I came across this site that publishes answers to frequently asked questions to atheists or about atheism or about atheists. I decided to see if I can provide my own answers, so these are just my personal answers.

1. Can you prove that God doesn’t exist?

A. How can anyone prove something doesn’t exist when it hasn’t been proven to exist in the first place? And it doesn’t work like that. Prove your god or gods exist.

2. What would it take to prove to you that a god exists?

A. Proof. Solid proof. Not some quotes from a book or how many people believe in it or “look at the trees/baby’s smile”. And no amounts of threats will do the job either.

3. How do you know you are right?

A. I don’t. That’s why I say I do not believe in your god. How can that be right or wrong? You say that a god exists and I don’t say that no gods exists, just that I do not believe because of a lack of evidence.

4. Why do atheists support gays so much?

A. I don’t. I support every human who wants to his or her life without harming themselves or anyone else. Gays, LGBT, Transgenders – they deserve to be happy (same as you) and live their own lives (same as you) without you hindering/hurting/killing them. If they don’t harm you, how on earth does it affect you?

5. Have you tried to believe in God?

A. Yes, my parents tried to indoctrinate me into their religion, same as yours probably did and for a while it worked. Then I turned 13 and started questioning. At the age of 19 I became an atheist. I still don’t believe that any god exists.

Dealing In The Dark Arts

Although I am aware that such perceptions exists, whenever I hear stuff like this I am in awe of the stupidity. Yet another Christian, specifically Roman Catholic, was under the assumption that atheism means worshiping the devil and being involved in the black arts and stuff like that. Take a moment to soak in the level of the stupidity.

I know this is what several Christians believe. I am sure that Hindus and Muslims have similar beliefs no doubt taught to them by their so called learned wise men of the cloth and perpetuated by them. Though, I have yet to be called doing the work of Satan or similar such things by Hindus or Muslims. It is usually Christians who claim or say or ask that.

Though I must say that my sympathies lie with Lucifer in the stories of Christian mythology. Always! Hail Satan!

Catholic Priests & Nuns Jokes

1. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
A: Nun.

2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun’s hiccups???
A: Tell her she’s pregnant!!!

3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she’s making sleeping bags for mice.

5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

7. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

8.Q: What’s black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head!

2 More Religious Jokes

A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic, and a Mormon are shipwrecked on a small desert island. They have very little food and water, and the situation is perilous.

The Muslim finds a corner of the beach, prostrates himself, and prays to Allah for succor.

The Mormon finds a different corner and prays fervently to God.

The Catholic heads for a palm tree, sits down, and begins reciting the rosary non-stop, her beads miraculously having survived the wreck.

The Jew continues hanging out by the shore, picking up a shell now and then, and occasionally skipping rocks.

After a little while, the Muslim, Mormon, and Catholic realize that the Jew’s just idly staring off into the distance, whistling a little tune, instead of doing everything possible to get them saved. They confront the Jew and say, “Hey, you jerk! We’re all doing the best we can to get a little divine intervention here! How about you help us cover your base, eh?”

The Jew just smiles for a moment. Then she says, “Well, over the past ten years, I’ve donated about $20,000 to the Jewish Federation.”

The Catholic, outraged, replies, “So what? What does that have to do with anything?”

The Jew answers, “Don’t worry. They’ll find me.”


A man takes advantage of a deserted beach by a lake to skinny dip.

Then three church ladies from the nearby local Christian congregation (insert name of church of your choice) arrive and set up a picnic lunch.  They are sitting between the lake and the man’s clothes.  They seem unaware of his presence.  He is getting tired and cold, and finally can’t stand waiting.  He grabs a towel from the shore, wraps it around his head, and runs for the spot where his clothes are.

The three church ladies all agree this is shocking.
The first church lady says, “I’m glad he is not my husband.”
The second church lady says, “I’m glad he is not my husband either.”

The third church lady says, “He’s not even a member of our congregation.”

Can You Pass a Basic Religion Test?

Can You Pass a Basic Religion Test?

I guess so. Now it depends on which religion. But yeah, basically I feel like I could pass a basic religion test for Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism and Islam. The rest of them aren’t ones that affect us too much and Buddhism is way too pacifist for most of us to actually worry about.

Not that I have read much of the stuff but then I pick up things from here and there and it’s also kinda hard to escape from it when you have so many religious nutcases on tv, Youtube, Facebook and all around you at work, school or whatever saying this stuff over and over again.

Prompt from The Learning Network at The New York Times

Thanks For The Tips

Paddy, newly arrived from Ireland, attends his first confession in New York. “What sins have you come to confess?” the priest asks.

“Ah, Father,” Paddy replies, “’Tis a terrible thing I’ve done. Blighted fair womankind, I have.”

“That is a serious sin, Paddy,” the priest replies. “Who was the woman?”

“Now, Father, I couldn’t tell you that,” Paddy replies. “It would be like betraying her all over again.”

“Only a full confession will cleanse you of your sin,” the priest admonishes. “And everything you tell me will be held in strictest confidence. So come on now — was it Mary from the Five Points?”

“Father, please don’t ask me.”

“Well, was it Kathleen from Hell’s Kitchen?”

“Father, I just can’t say.”

“Was it Sheila from Ninth Avenue?”

“No, no — I can’t speak her name, Father.”

The priest sighs. “Very well. Say three Hail Marys and put $2 in the collection box.”

“Thank you, Father, thank you,” Paddy says as he rises to leave. “Oh, and Father — thanks for all the good tips!”

Do You Speak Espanol?

A black guy and a white guy are driving in their car, having and arguement. “Jesus was a white man,” says the white guy. “No, Jesus was a black man,” says the black guy. “He was white!” says the white guy. “No, He was black!” says the black guy. Their arguement gets so heated that the driver stops paying attention, runs a red light, and BAM!!!… he gets run over by a truck.

The next thing the boys know, they’re standing at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears before them and welcomes them in, saying, “Are you ready to meet the Lord Jesus?” They respond in the affirmative, and St. Peter says, “Wait here, I’ll go get Him.” One guy then whispers to the other, “I guess we’re going to find who’s right, huh?”

Instantly a cloud of smoke appears before them, followed by blinding light and a crescendo of trumpets. Their eyes blinded by the light and the smoke, they can only see the outline of the Lord Jesus in the shadows. He appears before them, extends His arms and says……….. “¡Buenos Días, Amigos!”

More Religious Jokes

The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”
But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.
Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Why did God make man before He made woman?
Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

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Two lovers intersted in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world ezactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later

At the seance, she called out, “John, dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John, I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“Well what do you do all day, ” asked Martha.

“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but sex untill noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven is really like?”

“Heaven? I’m not in heaven Martha.”

“Well then where are you?”

“I’m a jack rabbit in Arizona

The Gift Of Life *NSFW*

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, father.”

“In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree.”

“Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

“Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh father, may I touch it?” This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true father?” “Yes it is, sister.” “Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and lets get the hell out of here.”