Wilson’s Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson’s Nails. “Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with a tape.”

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson is beside himself. “You don’t understand. I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, “If only we had used Wilson’s Nails!”

Jesus Jokes

jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified
me: good friday. we call it “good friday”
jesus: what the fuck

Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that’s what all the rest of us are doing too

COP: jesus how much hav u had to drink
JESUS: (leans out window) (whispers) my blood is wine
COP: ok step outa the car pal

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

Me: “Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?”
Jesus: “Yes.”
Me: “Oh, it’s you. Sorry, Jesus.”
Jesus: “I forgive you.”

*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer

Gorgeous Gift Ideas For The Spiritual People In Your Life

While you can’t buy a stairway to heaven, it is sometimes helpful to acknowledge the faith of those we love by getting them gifts relevant to their beliefs. In fact, there is a wide selection of items available for folks from a whole range of belief systems and spiritual practices. Some of which you can discover in the post below.

Buddhists/Meditators – Zafu and Zabuton 

You are probably already aware that those practicing forms of Buddhism and even the agnostic version Mindfulness, spend a fair bit of time meditating. Much of which is done crossed legged while sitting on the ground.

Of course, if they are enlightened master level, then the discomfort of this position will barely register in their consciousness. However, if they are still tentatively beginning their walk on the 8 fold path, a meditation mat and cushion can be an excellent gift.

In fact, these items, known as a Zafu and Zubuton, respectively, come from the Japanese tradition of Zen. The advantage of using them being that they can not only help cushion the ankles during meditation, and also help to get your spine in the right position as well. This being likely to make them a welcome addition to any mediator’s life.

Christians – Cross Jewelry 

You may think that buying gifts for Christian friends and loved ones is easy. After all, there is that really important key text they talk about a lot, and they have a pretty prominent symbol too. However, it’s not just about finding something that appeals to their religious beliefs but also matches the type of person they are as well.

With that in mind, opting for a piece of jewelry from providers like Holy Grace can be an excellent choice. In fact, there you can find a whole range of crosses and crucifixes as well as holy medals in many different metals and designs. Something that should make it so much easier to pick an item that you know the person you are gifting it to are sure to love and wear.

Yogis – Yoga Mat

The most obvious gift for those people in your life that are practicing Yogis is a mat on which they can conduct their asanas. However, just Googling the term Yoga mat will have you inundated with different types, materials, colors, and designs.

What this means is picking the right one can be something of a headache. Fortunately, you can navigate this issue by examining the type of practice your yoga-loving pal does. Now, I’m not talking about Iyengar, Ashtanga, or Bikram here. Instead, look for whether they head to a sports center or practice in their own home.

The reason being that those heading to the gym for their yoga class are likely to be more interested in the muscle training aspect of yoga, and so may appreciate a mat design will excellent grip. However, those for whom yoga is more of a lifestyle may prefer a mat with some more environmentally friendly qualities like the ones discussed here.

Quotes From Thomas Paine

United States Founding Father Thomas Paine wasn’t just a political revolutionary but also took a radical approach to religion. Born in England in 1736, Paine, moved to the New World in 1774, thanks in part to Benjamin Franklin. He took part in the American Revolution and even inspired the settlers to declare independence from Britain. His pamphlet “Common Sense” and pamphlet series “The American Crisis” made a case for revolution.

  • I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. [ The Age of Reason]
  • Science is the true theology. [Thomas Paine quoted in Emerson, The Mind on Fire p. 153]
  • . . . to argue with a man who has renounced his reason is like giving medicine to the dead. [The Crisis, quoted in Ingersoll’s Works, Vol. 1, p.127]
  • Priests and conjurors are of the same trade. [ The Age of Reason]
  • One good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests. [Thomas Paine quoted in 2000 Years of Disbelief, Famous People with the Courage to Doubt by James Haught]
  • That God cannot lie, is no advantage to your argument, because it is no proof that priests can not, or that the Bible does not. [The Life and Works of Thomas Paine, Vol. 9 p. 134]
  • Accustom a people to believe that priests or any other class of men can forgive sins, and you will have sins in abundance. [The Theological Works of Thomas Paine, p.207
  • Take away from Genesis the belief that Moses was the author, on which only the strange believe that it is the word of God has stood, and there remains nothing of Genesis but an anonymous book of stories, fables, and traditionary or invented absurdities, or of downright lies. [ The Age of Reason]
  • The Bible is a book that has been read more and examined less than any book that ever existed. [The Theological Works of Thomas Paine]
  • Every phrase and circumstance are marked with the barbarous hand of superstitious torture, and forced into meanings it was impossible they could have. The head of every chapter, and the top of every page, are blazoned with the names of Christ and the Church, that the unwary reader might suck in the error before he began to read. [The Age of Reason, p.131]
  • The declaration which says that God visits the sins of the fathers upon the children is contrary to every principle of moral justice. [The Age of Reason]

10 Sinfully Hilarious Religious Jokes & Puns

1. How is God just like a regular man?

If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.

2. Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

3. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

4. Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

5. If God created man in His own image…

He’s a fucking pervert.

6. Why does everyone pray in the aftermath of a disaster?

Hasn’t God just proved He doesn’t give a fuck?

7. If God sneezes when you meet him, what the hell do you say?

8. My husband and I divorced for religious reasons.

He thought he was God. I didn’t.

9. Don’t forget: If you never sin, Jesus died for nothin’.

10. Bacon proves God has a sense of humor.

He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.

The 7 Tenets Of The Satanic Temple

The Satanic Temple has seven fundamental tenets:

  1. One should strive to act with compassion and empathy towards all creatures in accordance with reason.
  2. The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.
  3. One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
  4. The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo your own.
  5. Beliefs should conform to our best scientific understanding of the world. We should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit our beliefs.
  6. People are fallible. If we make a mistake, we should do our best to rectify it and resolve any harm that may have been caused.
  7. Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

The Benefits of Religion

It’s no secret that today’s society can be a scary and depressing place. Things such as poverty, homelessness and war can plague our consciousness.

For many having a religion and faith can bring comfort and peace in an otherwise chaotic world. If you or a loved one are thinking of finding faith, we’ve put together a few ways that religion may be able to change your life for the better.

Religion Can Make You Feel Less Alone

Many people report being suffering from the silent epidemic of loneliness in today’s society. If you’re struggling with day-to-day pressures such as feeling down in the dumps or excessively worried about life, being able to connect to a religious higher power may be able to help. While it would always be advised to visit your health care practitioner to discuss your options, the social togetherness of praying and religion could make you feel better and less alone. It can be comforting to know that a higher power is looking out for you and your family.

Faith Can Give You Hope

At the core of most religions is the desire to spread love, be optimistic and to make the world a better place. Having hope that through your religion you can achieve these things can make you feel better overall.

Worship Can Help You Find A Community

Finding a church or another place of worship can be a fantastic way for you to discover new friends. Meeting like minded-individuals can also give you huge feelings of relief and peace. Churches like The Universal Church, pride themselves on being welcoming spaces for those interested in learning about the Christian religion. So whether you’re a lapsed believer, you’re interested in meeting some like-minded individuals, or you want to see what this religion stuff is about for yourself, head to your local place of worship.

Religious People Tend To Be Happier

Reports suggest that those who regularly practice some kind of worship and consider themselves religious \usaully report to having a happier and more satisfying quality of life.

Reasons for this could be having a busier, more fulfilling social life, a better outlook on life and a more settled family life.

Give Your Life Some Direction And Meaning

One of the most important reasons why people decide to follow a religion is that it gives them a stable blueprint on how to conduct themselves and live their lives. The guidance from many religions, helps people to live their lives in a way that they feel happy with and excited by the prospect of rewards for any suffering through the afterlife.

Overall, more and more people are finding religion or returning to religion. These benefits and tips can show you that faith has so much to offer your life and could possibly make it better and happier than it is now.

3 More Atheist Jokes

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

Just one guy stepped forward and said, “Aye, captain,I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”

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An atheist commits suicide and is surprised to find himself in heaven.

“Wow,” he says to God, “you know I didn’t expect to be here. I’m an atheist and on top of that I thought you’re not supposed to go to heaven if you kill yourself.”

“No, it’s okay,” says God. “I’ve thought about suicide myself.”

“Really?” asks the man. “Why?”

“Well,” God says, “What if this is all there is?”

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God said, “Thou shall not kill.”

And then he wiped out the entire human race with a global flood just because people didn’t take it seriously.

Some Atheist Jokes

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They’re already enlightened.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road?
A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

Q: What do you call an intelligent American?
A: Atheist Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

Theological Debate

During the Reformation, the Pope was urged to banish nonbelievers from Rome, which would have involved removing Rome’s venerable Jewish community. The Pope resisted. “They’ve lived here for centuries,” he argued. “We can’t just kick them out.” But his advisers insisted that the Holy City must be rendered theologically pure.

“Well, let’s at least give them an opportunity to demonstrate their knowledge of Christian theology,” the Pope replied.

So an emissary was dispatched to the Jewish quarter to invite the wisest Jewish elder to discuss Christian theology with the Pope, on the pain of expulsion. The news threw the Jewish leaders into panic, since none of them knew anything about Christian theology. So they assumed they had no choice but to pack up and leave.

Their meeting was about to break up when a voice spoke up from the back of the room. “What’s the big deal?” said Moishe the tailor. “I’ll talk to the Pope.” The elders were startled, because Moishe knew nothing about Christian orJewish theology. But assuming they had nothing to lose, they sent Moishe off to the Vatican.

Since Moishe spoke no Latin and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, their entire interview was conducted in sign language.

First, the Pope waved his arm back and forth over his head. Moishe responded by pointing to a spot on the floor at his feet.

Next, the Pope raised one finger of his right hand. Moishe replied by raising two fingers of his right hand.

Finally, the Pope reached beneath his priestly vestments and produced an orange. Moishe reached beneath his robe and produced a mazzah.

With that, the interview concluded. The Pope’s advisers rushed in to learn his verdict.

“These people must stay,” the Pope declared. “They’re totally conversant with Christian theology. First, I waved my arm to indicate that Christianity embraces the entire world; he pointed to the floor, in effect replying, ‘Yes, but its center is here in Rome.’

“Next, I held up one finger to indicate that we believe in one God; he raised two fingers, saying, ‘Yes, but you also believe in the Son and the Holy Ghost.’

“Finally, I produced an orange to indicate that the world is round; he produced a mazzah to suggest that it appears flat.”

Meanwhile, back in the Jewish quarter, everyone was preparing to leave when Moishe returned. “You can unpack your bags,” he announced. “I told the Pope a thing or two.”

Asked to explain, Moishe replied: “First, the Pope waved his arm to say, ‘The Jews will get out!’ I pointed to the floor, saying, ‘Oh no, you don’t — we’re staying right here!’

“Next, he pointed his finger at me, saying, ‘I’ll poke your eye out!’ I pointed two fingers at him, saying, ‘I’ll poke out both of your eyes!’

“And then we ate lunch.”

Unwelcomed

Three couples–an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple–wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replies, “No problem at all, Pastor.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied.

“What Happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn’t help myself and we had sex right there on the floor.”

The pastor said, “Well, then you’re not welcome in the Baptist church.”

“That’s OK,” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

A Special On Sins

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

Jesus Jokes

Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this

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Can Religion Help You to Become a Better Person?

You will be aware of how many people in our world turn to their religion when they are in need. Going through health struggles or facing tough decisions at work can affect all of us, but can faith help you through these moments in life? Even if you don’t follow a religion right now, you might want to consider opening your mind to a new way of thinking. Becoming a better person because of your religion is not an uncommon phenomenon in the modern day. People underestimate the power of having a heavenly figure to look up to. Consider some of the advantages of having faith in your life before you shun religion from your thoughts.

Joining a Community

There is nothing better than feeling truly welcomed into a local community. One of the best and most loyal groups you could join is The Universal Church. When you first step into the UCKG HelpCentre, you will notice that this charity is dedicated to only one thing; helping people to change their lives. From the encouraging messages in the multiple meetings every day of the week, to the accessible advice that is available free of charge, and even to the smiles that you receive from everyone you meet, you will never leave empty-handed. The UCKG HelpCentre is open seven days a week with four meetings available throughout the day during the week, so that you have the freedom to attend at a time that is convenient for you. Whatever your problems may be, you will feel welcomed with open arms into this community.

Being Open Minded

Following a religion will help you to become more open minded about everything in the world. It is very easy to live with tunnel vision without noticing how your actions affect others. When you choose to incorporate faith into your life you can be sure that your mindset will alter to a more open way of thinking.

Steering You From Making Bad Decisions

People often turn to religion when they are at a crossroads in life. If you are looking to make a big change in your life, then religion might be one way to go. Getting guidance from your spiritual leader or religious community can give you that boost of support you need to make life altering decisions. Of course you can always turn to your friends and family for advice, but religious advice is often non judgemental and fair.

Whether you plan on becoming a religious person or not, you might be able to find a glimmer of positivity in faith. Even if you have been relatively close minded in the past, now is your chance to defy the norms and take a stand for yourself. If you are feeling lost in life or you don’t know where your path is taking you, religion will be able to lead you in the right direction. Consider it today and you might just become a better person because of it.

Some Religious Related One-Lines

They say that when you die you become closer to God.

Because you no longer fucking exist, right?

Why is it that when you talk to God, it’s called praying?

Whenever God talks to me, they call it schizophrenia.

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Why doesn’t God ever answer your emails?

He’s more into knee-mail.

Confessional Jokes

A man enters the confessional in a Church: “Father, I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife. I’m a film producer and about two weeks ago I slept with Jennifer Lopez.” “Anything more than confess son?” replies the priest “Yes father. Last week I was weak and I also slept with Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts.” The very calm priest asks: “Any other sin, son?” “Yes father, this week I could not contain myself and participated in a threesome with Gal Gadot and Brie Larson.” “Sorry, son, but I can not absolve you,” the priest replies. “Why not Father, if the mercy of God is infinite?” “Yes, but God will not believe you’re sorry.

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An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll leave the priesthood!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen”. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.” The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, Your wife fell two times this week.”
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\ The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see”, ‘Yes, go on’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?'” The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!? What happened next?'”