3 More Blasphemous Religious Jokes

A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down. Scout Leader “There aren’t enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!”

Lawyer “Fuck the children!”

Priest “Do you think there’s time?”


The mob was gearing up to stone the adulteress when Jesus strides between her and the crowd and stares the mob down. “Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone” he cries, and at this the mob starts to look ashamed and shuffle away.

Then an old woman pushes her way to the front and throws a large rock at the adulteress. At this the crowd goes wild and everyone joins in and starts throwing rocks.

Jesus turns to the old woman and sighs… “fuck, mum, you always have to spoil it.”


So Jesus and Moses are walking through the desert when they come upon the red sea. Moses cracks his knuckles and says, “check this out Jesus i still got it.” He slams his staff on the ground and with plenty of pomp and circumstance the sea parts. Jesus tells Moses, “ya well you aren’t the only one who can still show off.” And begins walking out on the water he gets about halfway out and starts to sink if it weren’t for Moses he would have likely drown. When he gets him back to shore Moses consoles the savior of mankind, “don’t worry about it Jesus last time you tried that stunt you didn’t have holes in your feet.”

Follow This Advice to Start Questioning Your Beliefs

It’s not unusual to become very firm in your beliefs, often for your whole life. In fact, many people become even more convinced of their beliefs as they get older. But, whether your beliefs are religious, moral, philosophic, or something else, it’s healthy to question them too. Questioning your beliefs doesn’t necessarily mean that you will change your mind but it will reassure you that you have considered other possibilities. Deciding to actively question your beliefs can be a little scary. What if your entire worldview changes? But by questioning, you can make sure that you’re not just blindly following whatever you were taught as a child. Here’s how you can start questioning beliefs of all kinds.

Listen without Judgement

To be able to question things, you have to be willing to listen to others. If you’re always ready to refute someone else’s beliefs, opinions, or insights with your own view, you’re much less likely to learn anything. Most importantly, you have to be able to listen to others without judgement. You might spend some time contemplating and questioning what they say, but you should try to avoid dismissing them entirely or pre-emptively deciding what’s right and what’s wrong. Go into discussions with an open mind.

Look for Conflicting Views

Actively looking for conflicting views is necessary if you want to be able to question your beliefs. If you shield yourself from things that differ from your beliefs, it’s hard to know what you should be questioning. Instead of only associating with people who agree with you and getting news or information from the same sources, you should branch out and seek other opinions. Find people who disagree with your current view and find out why they disagree. See what they have to say on the subject and how they defend their position.

Learn About Different Beliefs

Expanding what you know about different beliefs will help you to solidify your own. Do you really know a lot about other belief systems? Perhaps you think you do, but you have lots of misconceptions or you don’t have a full understanding. By learning about how to become a Christian or what an atheist really believes, you can improve your understanding of different belief systems and even which one might be a good fit for you. There are plenty of resources you can use to learn more, from reading online to talking to people in person.

Keep Questioning

If you want to question your beliefs, one of the most important things to do is to keep questioning. You might have received an answer to a question, but is that really the end of it? To really question everything, you should keep asking about the answers you receive. Who is telling you this? Do they have an agenda? What are their sources? Is there any evidence? Could the situation change? All of these questions and more are important to ask if you want to keep questioning.

Questioning your beliefs can be a lot of work, but it’s worth it if it helps you to find out more about who you are and what you believe.

3 Religious Jokes To Tickle Your Funny Bone

“I’m lonely,” Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. “I need to have someone around for company.” “Okay,” replied God. “I’ll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent and gracious, she’ll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word.” “Sounds great,” Adam said. “But what’s she going to cost?” “An arm and a leg” answered God. “That’s pretty steep,” replied Adam. “What can I get for a rib?”

Three engineers are arguing about which is better, mechanical engineering, or electrical, or civil — and the mechanical engineer says, “God must’ve been a mechanical engineer — look at the joints in the human body.” And the second says, “No, God must’ve been an electrical engineer — look at the nervous system.” And the third said: “God had to be a civil engineer, cause who else would’ve run a waste disposal pipeline right through a great recreational area?”

A minister died and went to heaven and ahead of him at the Pearly Gate was a guy in sunglasses and a leather jacket and the guy said to St. Peter. “I’m Joe Nestorenko, cabdriver of Las Vegas.” Saint Peter gave him a golden robe and golden staff and then it was the minister’s turn. “I am Elmer Lundberg, pastor of Zion Lutheran for forty five years.” Saint Peter gave him a cotton robe and wooden staff.” “But that man was a taxi driver? and he gets a golden robe? and golden staff?” And St. Peter said, “Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Funny You Should Ask : A Religious Joke

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, “Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.” “Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, “Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do.” So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, “Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do.”

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, “funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…”

A Project I Would Like To Be Involved In

One of the ideas that I have that I want to do as a project is to start a podcast or Youtube channel based around atheism and the effects of religion. This is something that I have discussed with my 2nd cousin who is also an atheist. It sounds very interesting and I would really like to see if we can get it off the ground.

You see I enjoy the atheist call in talk shows and discussions. Some of the stuff is fascinating and it is weird how come most believers can’t see that this makes a lot of sense and they too need to start questioning and doing their own research. Some of the ideas I thought my cousin and I could talk about and discuss are :

  • Atheist characters and themes in fiction.
  • Growing up in a religious or non-religious household.
  • Science and religion: enemies or strangers?
  • Does religion fulfill any human needs?
  • Why are atheists so focused on Christianity (or are they)? What about other major religions, and minor religions?
  • Religion vs queer and trans people
  • “Sinning” and other models of morality
  • Consciousness and the afterlife (are people agnostic or opposed?)
  • Dealing with your family as an atheist
  • Are you “out” as an atheist?
  • How is life like for an Atheist in India/Hinduism?
  • Silly questions that we get asked in India by believers when they find out we are atheists.

Other than those I suppose we could always look at interesting topics from the world of religion, Indian specific stuff and the things that are hot in the news right now. It would be interesting for us to do that. I am not sure if we will but it’s a thought.

Most topics taken from 30 atheist discussion topics

Losing Or Gaining faith – Losing My Religion

Having grow up in a Hindu family I blindly accepted the gods of Hinduism as a kid because…well of indoctrination. Hindu families will start indoctrinating their kids or grandkids fairly early on, even before said kids can start talking proper sentences. Having the mother or grandmother taking the toddler to the pooja room and making them fold their hands in front of Krishna and making the kid try to say “protect me, oh Krishna” (in Malayalam) is a common sight in the morning after said toddler has had a bath or just as the lamp is lit.

So yes I was a believer until, I reached the age of 13. I can’t say that I became an atheist at the age of 13 but that age is when I started my questioning and the stories of the gods weren’t enough to make me blindly believe. I remember thinking about certain things and asking a few questions and even though I got some answers, none of them were convincing in the least. I stopped going to temples by the age of 14 but did attend a couple of religious poojas because I was still a teen. But my parents never pushed me to do anything religious against my wishes.

Soon most of my extended family understood that I didn’t like going to temples and wasn’t a believer. I went if weddings were held in a temple but that’s about it. By the age of 19 I understood that I was an atheist and what that label meant and I was comfortable in telling people that’s what I was/am. I haven’t been in a temple since then except for weddings. A lot of people on learning that I am an atheist, will start talking some silly stuff about why I should believe and that really irritates me and sometimes I say things back but without proper scientific evidence, you have no chance of converting this one. Also, most of your gods sound like assholes who I would never worship even if in the unlikely event that they were real, anyways!

Prompt from Topic Ideas For A Personal Narrative Essay

3 More Religious Jokes

Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says ” Follow me.” The man walks into the bar and the bartender says “Jesus Christ you’re back!”


One day little Jonny and little Susan were in bible class and little Susan had been tired that day so she kept falling asleep and the teacher said to little Susan who is our lord and savior and little Jonny poked her in the but with a push pin and she yelled JESUS CHRIST and the teacher goes that’s right go back to be and then the next thing the teacher asked who gave up there son for our sins and little Jonny poked her again and she yelled GOD AL MIGHTY and she says that’s right go back to bed and the next question the teacher asked was what did ADAM SAY TO EVE after there 13th child little Jonny poked her in the but again she yelled IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN I AM GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR OWN ASS AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT

——————————————-

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross. On the first day, he starts to moan, “Peter, Peter”. Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, “Peter, Peter”. Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, “Peter, Peter”. Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for, must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus, and says “Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important”?

Jesus- “Peter, I can see your house from here”.

Racy Jokes About Priests

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

How do you get a nun pregnant? – Dress her up as an alter boy.

The worst part about church is that you’re constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling; I mean, why can’t the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “fuck the children” and the Priest says “do you think we’ll have time”

Boy goes to Confession Boy ” What are you doing father” Priest “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it” Boy ” Why do you say that father” Priest ” Cause my hand is getting tired”

Worship Not These False Gods

2000 years from now or maybe 4000 to 5000 years from now, your gods will probably no longer be worshiped. Rama, Krishna, Allah, Jesus & Yahweh – will become forgotten memories or chapters in history books. At best they will be shown in movies of that time.

Or perhaps Marvel will make them superheroes or villains. Humanity may invent new gods to take their place at this time or perhaps humanity may have finally let go of these ghosts and moved on for the better. Whether or not there are still these holy ghosts – we don’t know.

But there will always be skeptics & atheists!

2 Religious Jokes

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat. As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.

“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”

The man said, “Yes, that’s the one.  Do you have it in paperback?”


The Christian says: “The Jews and Muslims are wrong.”

The Muslim says: “The Christians and Jews are wrong.”

The Jew says: “The Muslims and Christians are wrong.”

The Atheist says: “You *all* are *correct*.”

Refusing Same-Sex Couple Service

Is It O.K. to Refuse to Serve Same-Sex Couples Based on Religious Beliefs?

Hmmm let’s look at this at all possible angles. Let’s say you are running a bakery or cafe that bakes cakes. If the ingredients or something in the cake is against their personal belief or beliefs or the design of the cake represents something that is considered taboo in their beliefs, then I suppose I would understand that. Like say a Satanic symbol for a Christian run bakery or something like that. Maybe a lewd suggestive wording of a sexual nature or something along the likes.

Otherwise I do not see why or how it should be OK for any business to refuse to serve same-sex couples. If they are asking for a cake that doesn’t have lewd remarks in icing or any odd shapes or something like that, then what is the problem? If you do not like homosexual relationships, do not have a homosexual relationship. Why should you have a problem with some folks who are in one? The religious angle is always a tricky one because people get so sensitive and authorities as well are reluctant to touch it.

But basically what you are is ignorant, bigoted and homophobic if you refuse to serve them. Using some ancient text book to justify your hatefulness and overall assholeness (is that a word? It is now). And if you do choose to refuse them service, be prepared to get a backlash from people. That can affect your business and Karma is a cold hearted bitch.

Prompt from 401 Prompts for Argumentative Writing at The New York Times

Topics Comedy Shouldn’t Touch

Are There Topics That Should Be Off Limits to Comedy?

I would usually not say anything is off limits however yes there are a few topics. Tragedies and the dying and seriously ill. I don’t think I would laugh at jokes that are about these topics. Except when the death or illness is about really vile and shitty people who thrill at the idea of other people feeling bad and falling in trouble.

So like the death of an older person or a miscarriage – no, no thank you! I don’t even want to hear someone even suggest the idea of making a joke around these topics. That be just be so not worth hearing. What else? War and suffering and famine. Diseases, amputation and homelessness – there are so many that I can’t stand to hear and I guess my sense of empathy would win over instead of wanting to laugh.

Now if you are thinking – religion? Shouldn’t religion be on this list? NOPE!

Prompt from 401 Prompts for Argumentative Writing at The New York Times

3 More Religious Jokes

A man enters the confessional in a Church: “Father, I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife. I’m a film producer and about two weeks ago I slept with Jennifer Lopez.” “Anything more than confess son?” replies the priest “Yes father. Last week I was weak and I also slept with Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts.” The very calm priest asks: “Any other sin, son?” “Yes father, this week I could not contain myself and participated in a threesome with Gal Gadot and Brie Larson.” “Sorry, son, but I can not absolve you,” the priest replies. “Why not Father, if the mercy of God is infinite?” “Yes, but God will not believe you’re sorry.


A girl is going to confess: “Well, you see, father, I said that my boyfriend is a son of a bitch and the other day …” The priest interrupts her and says: “But girl! How you call your boyfriend, you son of a bitch! What has happened to you?” “Well, the other day he took my hand.” The priest takes her hand and says: “But look, I take your hand too and I’m not a son of a bitch.” “Yeah, well … but it’s just that my boyfriend later touched my breasts.” The priest touches her breasts and says: “Look, I’m touching your tits but I’m not a son of a bitch.” “Yes, but my boyfriend also made love to me.” replied the girl The priest throws it away and then says: “Well, look, I made love to you too and I’m not a son of a bitch.” “Yes, but my boyfriend has Herpes.” “What a son of a bitch!!!”


The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\ The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see”, ‘Yes, go on’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?'” The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit?!? What happened next?'”

2 Muslim Jokes

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat…
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.

“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”

The man said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”


A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

Blocked By A Racist

Someone I know only online just asked me if he would be thought of as a racist if he thought some Africans / people of Africa heritage were ok but that some of them are still more monkey than the rest of us!!!! This guy actually said that.

I was like “Excuse me!! That is not something you say” but he then proceeded to send a pic of a football player and typed “Look at this guy! Look at his head especially his face and his mannerism. Don’t tell me this guy isn’t part gorilla or some other species!”

I was blown away but then all I could say was that humans are basically less hairy apes. We chimps and other monkeys all had evolved from a common ancestor.

To that he started abusing me. I checked his Twitter profile page – AH! Creationist. I had hit a nerve. I abused him back and told him to shove his opinions up his arsehole! I am now blocked by him and feeling rather proud of myself!

Rowing Across The Lake

A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us”.

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises”.

The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland”.

“And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask.

“Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists”…

Wilson’s Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson’s Nails. “Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with a tape.”

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.” Wilson is beside himself. “You don’t understand. I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, “If only we had used Wilson’s Nails!”