FAQ To Atheists – Part 1

I came across this site that publishes answers to frequently asked questions to atheists or about atheism or about atheists. I decided to see if I can provide my own answers, so these are just my personal answers.

1. Can you prove that God doesn’t exist?

A. How can anyone prove something doesn’t exist when it hasn’t been proven to exist in the first place? And it doesn’t work like that. Prove your god or gods exist.

2. What would it take to prove to you that a god exists?

A. Proof. Solid proof. Not some quotes from a book or how many people believe in it or “look at the trees/baby’s smile”. And no amounts of threats will do the job either.

3. How do you know you are right?

A. I don’t. That’s why I say I do not believe in your god. How can that be right or wrong? You say that a god exists and I don’t say that no gods exists, just that I do not believe because of a lack of evidence.

4. Why do atheists support gays so much?

A. I don’t. I support every human who wants to his or her life without harming themselves or anyone else. Gays, LGBT, Transgenders – they deserve to be happy (same as you) and live their own lives (same as you) without you hindering/hurting/killing them. If they don’t harm you, how on earth does it affect you?

5. Have you tried to believe in God?

A. Yes, my parents tried to indoctrinate me into their religion, same as yours probably did and for a while it worked. Then I turned 13 and started questioning. At the age of 19 I became an atheist. I still don’t believe that any god exists.

Dealing In The Dark Arts

Although I am aware that such perceptions exists, whenever I hear stuff like this I am in awe of the stupidity. Yet another Christian, specifically Roman Catholic, was under the assumption that atheism means worshiping the devil and being involved in the black arts and stuff like that. Take a moment to soak in the level of the stupidity.

I know this is what several Christians believe. I am sure that Hindus and Muslims have similar beliefs no doubt taught to them by their so called learned wise men of the cloth and perpetuated by them. Though, I have yet to be called doing the work of Satan or similar such things by Hindus or Muslims. It is usually Christians who claim or say or ask that.

Though I must say that my sympathies lie with Lucifer in the stories of Christian mythology. Always! Hail Satan!

Catholic Priests & Nuns Jokes

1. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
A: Nun.

2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun’s hiccups???
A: Tell her she’s pregnant!!!

3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she’s making sleeping bags for mice.

5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

7. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

8.Q: What’s black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head!

2 More Religious Jokes

A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic, and a Mormon are shipwrecked on a small desert island. They have very little food and water, and the situation is perilous.

The Muslim finds a corner of the beach, prostrates himself, and prays to Allah for succor.

The Mormon finds a different corner and prays fervently to God.

The Catholic heads for a palm tree, sits down, and begins reciting the rosary non-stop, her beads miraculously having survived the wreck.

The Jew continues hanging out by the shore, picking up a shell now and then, and occasionally skipping rocks.

After a little while, the Muslim, Mormon, and Catholic realize that the Jew’s just idly staring off into the distance, whistling a little tune, instead of doing everything possible to get them saved. They confront the Jew and say, “Hey, you jerk! We’re all doing the best we can to get a little divine intervention here! How about you help us cover your base, eh?”

The Jew just smiles for a moment. Then she says, “Well, over the past ten years, I’ve donated about $20,000 to the Jewish Federation.”

The Catholic, outraged, replies, “So what? What does that have to do with anything?”

The Jew answers, “Don’t worry. They’ll find me.”


A man takes advantage of a deserted beach by a lake to skinny dip.

Then three church ladies from the nearby local Christian congregation (insert name of church of your choice) arrive and set up a picnic lunch.  They are sitting between the lake and the man’s clothes.  They seem unaware of his presence.  He is getting tired and cold, and finally can’t stand waiting.  He grabs a towel from the shore, wraps it around his head, and runs for the spot where his clothes are.

The three church ladies all agree this is shocking.
The first church lady says, “I’m glad he is not my husband.”
The second church lady says, “I’m glad he is not my husband either.”

The third church lady says, “He’s not even a member of our congregation.”

Can You Pass a Basic Religion Test?

Can You Pass a Basic Religion Test?

I guess so. Now it depends on which religion. But yeah, basically I feel like I could pass a basic religion test for Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism and Islam. The rest of them aren’t ones that affect us too much and Buddhism is way too pacifist for most of us to actually worry about.

Not that I have read much of the stuff but then I pick up things from here and there and it’s also kinda hard to escape from it when you have so many religious nutcases on tv, Youtube, Facebook and all around you at work, school or whatever saying this stuff over and over again.

Prompt from The Learning Network at The New York Times

Thanks For The Tips

Paddy, newly arrived from Ireland, attends his first confession in New York. “What sins have you come to confess?” the priest asks.

“Ah, Father,” Paddy replies, “’Tis a terrible thing I’ve done. Blighted fair womankind, I have.”

“That is a serious sin, Paddy,” the priest replies. “Who was the woman?”

“Now, Father, I couldn’t tell you that,” Paddy replies. “It would be like betraying her all over again.”

“Only a full confession will cleanse you of your sin,” the priest admonishes. “And everything you tell me will be held in strictest confidence. So come on now — was it Mary from the Five Points?”

“Father, please don’t ask me.”

“Well, was it Kathleen from Hell’s Kitchen?”

“Father, I just can’t say.”

“Was it Sheila from Ninth Avenue?”

“No, no — I can’t speak her name, Father.”

The priest sighs. “Very well. Say three Hail Marys and put $2 in the collection box.”

“Thank you, Father, thank you,” Paddy says as he rises to leave. “Oh, and Father — thanks for all the good tips!”

Do You Speak Espanol?

A black guy and a white guy are driving in their car, having and arguement. “Jesus was a white man,” says the white guy. “No, Jesus was a black man,” says the black guy. “He was white!” says the white guy. “No, He was black!” says the black guy. Their arguement gets so heated that the driver stops paying attention, runs a red light, and BAM!!!… he gets run over by a truck.

The next thing the boys know, they’re standing at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears before them and welcomes them in, saying, “Are you ready to meet the Lord Jesus?” They respond in the affirmative, and St. Peter says, “Wait here, I’ll go get Him.” One guy then whispers to the other, “I guess we’re going to find who’s right, huh?”

Instantly a cloud of smoke appears before them, followed by blinding light and a crescendo of trumpets. Their eyes blinded by the light and the smoke, they can only see the outline of the Lord Jesus in the shadows. He appears before them, extends His arms and says……….. “¡Buenos Días, Amigos!”

More Religious Jokes

The first commandment states: “I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”
But two of the seven deadly sins are vanity and envy. Fucking Hypocrite!

According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.
Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

Why did God make man before He made woman?
Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

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Two lovers intersted in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world ezactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later

At the seance, she called out, “John, dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John, I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“Well what do you do all day, ” asked Martha.

“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but sex untill noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven is really like?”

“Heaven? I’m not in heaven Martha.”

“Well then where are you?”

“I’m a jack rabbit in Arizona

The Gift Of Life *NSFW*

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, father.”

“In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree.”

“Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

“Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh father, may I touch it?” This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true father?” “Yes it is, sister.” “Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and lets get the hell out of here.”

Loudspeakers : Braying Like A Donkey

What Sounds Annoy You?

I guess a bunch of noises annoy me and other people. We all have the ones that really gets on our nerves and make our teeth grind and fists clench and wants to temporarily go deaf. Loud horns, rap & hip-hop music, most Indian classical music, Tamil rap and film music and a lot of other stuff. But nothing annoys me more than the religious prayers on loudspeakers!

In this regard all religious are to blame. Loud speakers are a bane of humanity’s existence and everyone hates being disturbed. It is beyond annoying to be roused out of your nap, movie watching or music listening or reading time or heck just sitting down for some coffee or a meal by the loud sounds of an asshole bellowing into a loud speaker selling stuff, announcing as an advertisement, selling lotteries or making the case as to why you should vote for this or that political party.

But nothing and I mean nothing annoys me more than the bellowing of a call to prayer. Whether it is Hindism or Christianity or Buddhism (come to think of it, Buddhists don’t bother you, so it’s ok) or Sikhs or anything it is fucking annoying. But the worst is the Islamic call to prayer, especially when some of those voices sound like loud donkeys braying. Fucking annoying! They are the worst and disturb you 5 times a day.

I wish one of the religious commandments for each of them was “thou shall not bray into a loudspeaker”!

Prompt from The Learning Network at The New York Times

Clean Religious Jokes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

**********************************************************************

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”

“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation.

“Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.”

The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”

**********************************************************************

The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”

One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”

Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”

The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’ “

Are You Less Religious Than Your Parents?

Are You Less Religious Than Your Parents?

I’m an atheist. My parents are religious hindus. So I’d say that I’m definitely a heck of a lot less religious than them. By far. Here is the deal – if I ask them questions about their religion and what the gods have done and why they have done it, after a few minutes they admit that they have no clue as to why or how and they readily admit that they do not understand most of it but that they don’t question it.

I have also noted that as they have grown older they have become more religious to the point where they feel like it is expected of them. Mum started reading scriptures every morning at sunrise and at sunset – because that is what she feels she is expected to do. She didn’t do that a few years ago. She reads then aloud (not too loud) and she cries in between. She used to only light the lamps at the pooja section of the house (and now apartment) in the morning and the evening and that was it.

Dad too will watch any shitty tv program as long as there is a hindu god element to it. It doesn’t matter if it’s really, really bad. He will watch that shit. He goes for readings of Ramayana or Gita and listen to them many times – but if you ask him a few questions he won’t really know what to say. And that’s ok! Just not enough to convince anyone else. Or me.

Prompt from The Learning Network at The New York Times

Roshanism

You are sent back to the 1500s with immortality and 1 gold coin. How do you become the richest person in the world by 2017?

What else? I would go back to the 1500s and tell the people that I am a god and show them that I am one by showcasing my immortality. They would have solid, tangible proof (unlike your so called silly fictional gods) that I exist and would worship me for all eternity.

And poof, just like that, in 2017 the dominant deity on this planet and the prevalent religion would be Roshanism. You would all be devout Roshanists and incase you do not believe in me, I will be fine with it. My laws would state that you are to be treated equally and should not be subjected to any discrimination or harassment of any kind. But if you believe in any other god or gods – OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

How do I become the richest person in the world? I don’t need that 1 gold coin! Keep your stinking gold coin mere mortal. I will be showered with riches, temples would be built in my honour and I will have golden palaces in each country where I chose to stay and will have a harem of gorgeous women in each palace as well. Who needs your 1 gold coin!

Prompt from The Atheist Republic Facebook Page

Priests & The Pope

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell…

Then all the other bells started to ring.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

On his way to address the U.N. assembly, the pope arrives by plane in New York city. Following his practice of kissing the tarmac, waving to the crowds etc, he climbs aboard the limo that’s been sent to transfer him from the airport to the U N. building.  The limo is complete with tinted windows, plush upholstery, mini bar and, of course, a uniformed chauffeur. The chauffeur welcomes the pope to NY and wishes him a pleasant stay and, as an aside, tells the pope that he, as a devout Roman Catholic, would welcome the opportunity to do any thing he could to please the pope.

The pope thanks the chauffeur and, after a pause, tells the driver ‘Welll . . . There is something . . “‘ The chauffeur pounces on the opportunity to help the Holy Father and replies ‘Anything! Anything. Just ask’! The Primate pauses for a moment and says; ‘You know, being the pope is great . .big palaces . .servants . . Fancy clothes . . Great Art works . . All that sort of stuff . . But, I’m not allowed to do any of the things that I’d like to do’  The driver nods in sympathy. ‘If I can help . . ‘The one thing I’d like most of all’ says the pope ‘Is to drive a big car like this one’. The chauffeur immediately agrees and swaps places with the pontiff.

Once the driver settles in to the back seat Vroom . .vroom and off goes the limo. Out onto the freeway and the pope is flooring the accelerator. Sixty, seventy, eighty and heading up to ninety miles per hour. Swerving between cars, cornering almost on two wheels, on he goes . . When. In the rearview mirror he sees blue flashing lights and then hears the siren of a motorcycle policeman.
Once he has pulled over and switched of the engine, he rolls down the window at the approach of the cop. The policeman stops to look at the pope sitting in the driver’s seat, and asks the holy father to wait a moment while he considers the situation.

On his bike radio, the cop asks to speak to his chief.’ You’ll never guess who I just pulled over for speeding’ he says. ‘I can’t possibly give him a ticket’. He is way too important’! Nonsense!’ replies the chief. ‘It doesn’t matter if you’ve pulled over the mayor of New York. .you give him a ticket. Understood?’ ‘But chief’ he replies, ‘This guy is seriously important, I can’t give him a ticket’.

The chief is puzzled. ‘Did you pull over the state Governor?’ ‘No! Somebody really important?’. ‘The Vice President?’ Are you kidding me? You’ve Stopped the VP?’ Asks the chief. Nope. somebody a lot more important than him.’
‘Oh my god! You’re kidding me. You’ve pulled over the President. Are you crazy?’
‘Actually’ says the cop, ‘It’s someone even more important’. What?? The chief screams. ‘There is no one more important than the President of the USA!’ ‘Who have you actually stopped?’

The cop says ‘Uhm. Er. I’m not really sure who it is’. ‘Then how can you possibly know that they are so important if you don’t even know who they are? ‘ asks the chief.
The cop replies:
‘Well. he’s got the pope as his chauffeur!’

Stay Away From The Watchtower

I met my first Jehovah’s Witness member today. I was unwell and hence left from work early, took an Uber ride home. I was having a conversation about general stuff with the driver (politics, construction on the metro & roads in the city) and it was all usual chit-chat and just as I was about to reach home, he asked me when I get some free time to visit jw.org.

I said I will never have such free time that I will want to waste it on that stuff. He tried to convince me but I was not willing to agree to it. Told him, he’s a nice guy and all that but keep his JW stuff to himself.

I didn’t know they had made inroads into my neck of the woods.