Bear Food, Priest In A Plane & A Confessional

A hunter is out hunting bear in the woods. He sees one, lines up his sights, takes a shot, and misses. The bear sees the hunter and charges towards him. The hunter tries to take another shot, but finds he’s out of ammo. He throws down the gun and starts running away, but he realizes that the bear is going to catch up to him.

The hunter falls to his knees and starts praying. He says, “Dear Lord, I ask that you let this bear find some religion before he does me in.”

He turns around, and the bear stops, falls to its knees, and starts praying. The bear says, “Dear Lord, for this food I am about to receive, I am truly grateful…”

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A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

“We have a problem”, says the pilot. “There are only three parachutes!”

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

“Screw the boys,” shouts the lawyer.

“Is there time?” asks the priest.

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Michael took Kevin along with him to confession for moral support. Kevin waited in the pews while Michael approached the confessional.

“Forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman.”

“Ah Michael,” sighed the priest, “you have grieved the Holy Spirit. Tell me, was it Mary McCarthy?”

“I can’t tell you, father,” answered Michael, “I promised I wouldn’t say, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman.”

“Michael, this is not what you have been taught by Mother Church. Was it Sinead O’Rourke?”

“I can’t say, father, I promised I wouldn’t, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman.”

“Ah, Michael, your poor mother and father would be heartbroken to know this. I wonder, was it Philomena Donnelly?”

“I can’t tell you, father, I promised, forgive me, I have been with a woman.”

“Michael, my son, I harboured such high hopes for you when you were an altar boy. Tell me, was it Therese Murphy?”

“Father, I can’t say, I promised, forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman.”

The priest pronounced, “Michael, you must say 50 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys.”

“Thank you, father,” a relieved Michael acknowledged, and went back to the pews where his mate Kevin was waiting.

“Michael, Michael, what did the father say?”

“He gave me 50 Our Fathers, 30 Hail Marys and four good leads.”

3 Religious Jokes

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man’s voice call from the other side.

“Hello? Hello?”

Jesus replied, “Who is it?”

“Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,” the old man replied.

Jesus’ heart leapt with joy and he called out, “Father?”

The voice answered back, “Pinocchio?”

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There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted. Since the preacher didn’t believe in such things, he rented it.

It wasn’t long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.

The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”

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REAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON CHURCH BULLETINS

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the church’s new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours.”
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Left Behind (2014)

I must admit I had no clue going in that this film would be this bad! But what did you expect? Left Behind is a 2014 Christian film about the apocalyptic rapture film directed by Vic Armstrong and written by Paul LaLonde and John Patus. The film is based on the novel of the same name written by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins and stars Nicolas Cage, Chad Michael Murray, Cassi Thomson, Nicky Whelan, and Jordin Sparks. Yes, Cage has fallen to act in such drivel.

Ok, so what is this movie about? It’s about the rapture – where Yahweh is supposed to instantly beam or take all his believers into heaven and leave all the rest behind – that is believed to happen just before the end of days. The events of the film focus on one city (supposed to be NYC) & her people are shown and one plane and it’s crew plus passengers. Chloe is home from college to celebrate her pilot father’s birthday but is upset to learn that he is scheduled to be flying from New York to London. Things have been rough at home ever since Chloe’s mom Irene became a devout Christian, spouting off Bible quotes and heavy on the prayers. Her dad Rayford is flirting heavily with the pretty blonde stewardess  Hattie who is on the same plane, when Chloe sees him. Hattie accidentally finds out that Rayford has plans to spend his London trip with Hattie and she goes up upset.

At home after brushing off Irene’s religious concerns & preachings Chloe goes to the mall with her young brother and it is there that the shit hits the fan! Her brother disappears from her arms, as do several other people at the mall. Panic ensues and you see looting, shoving, and absolute mayhem. A driverless car crashes through the window and when Chloe is outside a small planet crashes into her car. She run to the hospital (for what?) and finds all the babies have disappeared from their cribs. She also sees television reports of chaos on the streets and of people disappearing. Meanwhile on the plane a bunch of people including the co-pilot and a stewardess have also disappeared, leaving their clothing & personal belongings behind, causing panic among the remaining passengers. A mother cries out about her young daughter missing cries while a drug addict woman freaks out as she knows what is happening. With the help of Cameron, who is on the same flight, Rayford tries his best to calm things down. An antagonistic man sees a muslim praying and has suspicions on him. Rayford has difficulty getting radio or cell phone contact with anyone on the ground, until he is finally informed that people have disappeared everywhere and the world is in uproar. Soon a pilotless jet approaches directly into Rayford’s flight path. He narrowly avoids a midair collision but the jet damages Rayford’s fuel line. He decides his only option is to return to New York and hope his fuel holds out.

Chloe meanwhile goes home and finds the shower still on and her mom’s jewellery on the shower floor and goes to their church and finds it empty with the exception of their family pastor. He explains that god has taken all his believers to heaven while those that remain must face the end of days. When Chloe asks her how come he wasn’t taken, the pastor says that he never truly believed in what he preached as he had doubts. Back on the plane, Rayford confesses to Hattie that he is married and has 2 children and she is upset as she didn’t know that he was married. Chloe feels that everything is hopeless and climbs on top of a bridge to jump to her death but at that precise moment – it’s a fucking miracle – her phone rings! Hallelujah! It’s Cameron who along with Rayford has been trying to contact her several times and it is at this precise moment that the connection gets through! Rayford apologizes to his daughter saying that it is all his fault for the rift between her mom and him.  He loves her and “I love you daddy” and but bitch this plane has no runway to land. So Chloe finds an abandoned Ford truck and uses it to clear away the equipment from a bridge under construction in order to create a makeshift runway. And she uses a Compass app and tells Rayford the coordinates of the landing site.

Using all his skills Rayford is able to make the emergency landing, saving everyone on board. As Chloe is reunited with Rayford and Cameron, they look onto a city or make that world in chaos and fire and she says this is just the beginning! What a lousy film! Shit script, horrendous acting and nonsensical cliched dialogues. Even most devout Christians would be ashamed of this drivel and they were as the rantings in critical websites show. But I laughed a lot! 3 outta 10!

Theistic Satanism VS LaVeyan or Atheistic Satanism

THEISTIC SATANISM (also known as traditional Satanism or spiritual Satanism) is the belief that Satan—as prefigured in (most prevalent) Christian and/or Islamic (less often) contexts—is a supernatural being or force that individuals may contact and supplicate to, and represents loosely affiliated or independent groups and cabals which hold such a belief. Another characteristic of Theistic Satanism include the use of ceremonial magic. Unlike LaVeyan Satanism, as founded by Anton LaVey in the 1960s, theistic Satanism is theistic as opposed to atheistic, believing that Satan is a real entity rather than an archetype.

LAVEYAN SATANISM (also known as ATHEISTIC SATANISM or Modern Satanism), referred to simply as Satanism among adherents, is a religious philosophy founded in 1966 by Anton LaVey and codified in The Satanic Bible in 1969. Its core beliefs and philosophies are based on individualism, epicureanism, secularism, egoism, and self-deification, and propagates a worldview of naturalism, Social Darwinism, and Lex Talionis.

Contrary to popular belief, LaVeyan Satanism does not involve “devil worship” or worship of any deities. It is an atheistic philosophy that uses the character of Satan as a symbol of pride, carnality, liberty, enlightenment, undefiled wisdom, and of a cosmos which Satanists perceive to be permeated and motivated by a force that has been given many names by humans over the course of time.

The Invention Of Lying

The Invention Of Lying is a 2009 fantasy romantic comedy co-written & co-directed by Ricky Gervais and Mathew Robinson. The film The film stars Ricky Gervais as the first human with the ability to lie and has a supporting cast featuring Jennifer Garner, Jonah Hill, Louis C.K., Rob Lowe and Tina Fey. The movie has a not so subtle dig at religion, in particular Christianity.

The film is set in a city in current times but in an alternate universe or reality in which no human has the ability to lie and hence tell the truth at all times. This makes for harsh & blunt truths being said at all points, which comes out unintentionally cruel and ofcourse totally hilarious for us the viewers. As there is no lying there is no concept of religion or god/gods at all. As there is no fiction the film & television industry has no movies but documentary style narratives & lecture style historical readings. Mark Bellison is a lecture film writer who is struggling as he has been assigned the “boring” 1300 period and is about to get fired. He goes on a date with the more successful and pretty Anna McDoogles, who tells him that she is not physically attracted to him because of his appearance and his financial status but is only going out with him for dinner as a favour to their common friend Greg. Also Anna’s mother is pressurizing her to get married and have kids. Anna seems to enjoy his company though.

The next day he is fired from his job as his films are not drawing enough interest and his landlord evicts him as he has only $300 left and the due rent is $800. Mark goes to his bank to withdraw the $300 but as the system is down the teller asks him how much money is in his account. Something reacts in his brain and he says $800 remembering the due amount instead of $300, thereby telling the world’s first  lie. The system comes back on but instead of giving him only $300 as it shows in his account, the teller assumes that the computer is faulty and gives him $800! Mark tests out his new found ability to lie by telling a gorgeous woman that they must have sex or the world will end. She believes him ofcourse but he is unable to go through with it and pretends that he gets a call saying that the danger has passed. He then uses lies in preventing a police officer (Edward Norton) from arresting his friend Greg for drunk driving, getting money from a casino, and stopping his neighbour Frank Fawcett (Jonah Hill) from committing suicide. This last one makes him realize that he can do a lot of good for people as well by just lying to them. He then writes a screenplay about aliens invading the earth in the 1300, forging documents, and then that all the humans who remained had their memories wiped. The script is sold and he becomes wealthy from the sales of the movie.

Mark then asks out Anna again, hoping that his success plus the fact that she enjoyed talking to him will make her see beyond his appearance, but though she has a good time she says that she is still not attracted to him as if they were to have kids, she’d end up with “fat kids with snub noses” like him. As they finish dinner, Mark gets a call from the old age home – his mother has been taken to the hospital as she is near death. When he goes to see her, a tearful Mark consoles her and addresses her fear of eternal nothingness by creating the concept of an afterlife (though not mentioned as heaven) where everyone who dies has mansions of their own and gets to be with all their friends and family. She dies happy while the doctors and nurses appear awed by what he says. As news travels, a large crowd gathers outside his building to get more information about the afterlife. Spurred by Anna & Greg Mark comes up with “ten rules”, that he writes on the back of pizza boxes and that he talks to a “Man In The Sky” who controls everything and promises great rewards in the good place after you die, as long as you do no more than three “bad things”.

Later while they are sitting on a park, a now rich (living in a huge mansion) Mark asks Anna about the possibility of marriage and Anna asks him, if they marry, would his now being rich and famous make their children more physically attractive. Mark wants to lie but does not because of his feelings for Anna. Meanwhile, Mark’s rival at work, Brad Kessler, who used to be extremely mean to him, pursues Anna romantically and Anna feels that genetically they are a perfect match. As he can now have the one thing that Mark cannot have, Brad brags about his looks & physique to Mark, which makes Anna uncomfortable. They get engaged and Anna invites Mark to attend – in a scene where Anna hasn’t seen Mark in a few weeks, the depressed Mark hasn’t cut or shaved his hair in a while and comes to the door in a robe looking like Jesus (nearly killed me) – but Mark tries to get her to break off the engagement. Later Anna sees some boys bulling a chubby kid in the park eating ice cream and she runs to his support. Wiping away his tears, she cheers him up.

On the day of the wedding Greg encourages Mark to shave his beard and cut his hair and pursue Anna. Mark goes to the venue (a church like building, where you can “sit and think about the man in the sky” where he objects to the marriage, but the officiant informs him that only the Man in the Sky can stop the wedding. Brad and Anna both ask Mark to ask the Man in the Sky what Anna should do but Mark refuses to say anything and leaves, wanting Anna to choose for herself. Anna walks out and Mark confesses his ability to lie and tells her that the Man In The Sky was made up. Anna struggles to comprehend the concept and asks why he did not lie to convince her to marry him; Mark states that it “wouldn’t count”. Anna confesses that she loves him. Some time later, the now-pregnant Anna and Mark are shown married with a son, who, it is implied, has inherited his father’s ability to lie.

Funny, silly and sweet and it has some awesome moments without being too in your face or slap-sticky in nature. It’s a different kind of humourous movie and may need an open mind to fully appreciate it. Nevertheless, I’d recommend this movie for everyone to watch. 8.5 outta 10!

Hypothetical Situation Question

This question comes from a discussion I had with a friend of mine. The discussion of a hypothetical situation was – We discover a planet or planets/moons in another solar system that are perfect for us (without doing any terra-forming or anything of that sort) weather wise et all and are really beautiful and it would be really beneficial for us (health wise etc) to move there. And suppose that humanity does actually become technologically advanced enough to ship as many humans and equipment needed and it’s purely voluntary as you can also remain here on earth.

She says the really religious people will choose to remain and work it out on earth and most of those (90%-95%) who are secular / agnostic /atheists and perhaps not too religious will choose to go. Do you guys agree? Would you opt to go to this planet or planets and live there in this situation? Or would you choose to remain on earth?

The Eight Sin!

Remember the seven cardinal sins? You’re given the serious task of adding a new one to the list — another trait or behavior you find particularly unacceptable, for whatever reason. What’s sin #8 for you? Why?

Actually I don’t buy that nonsense of the 7 deadly sins. Here is the one that I think you all should be worried about and not committing. The sin of being so stupid and lethargic that you fail to check your facts and data and believe every single fucking thing that you were forcefed from the moment you were born as you fell into the vat of indoctrination of bronze age desert culture and crap! Or ancient gods. And even when the simplest of scientific lessons are shown and proven to you, the moron that you are still chose to cling onto the rubbishness of what you were lied to at an early age just because your mamma and pappa said that that’s what they believe in as well!

Ok fine, you should stick onto what you want to believe no matter how daft that shit is but when you start forcing other people and the local law & government to ensure that everything is as per that crap that you cling on to – that is so fucking bullshit! So everyone wants the rules to bend to their stupidity and nonsense. How about the rest of us? Why should we have to listen to and bear any nonsense that does not mean anything to us and infact is infringing on our rights and hindering our lives? Stick to your own corner of delusions of grandeur.  If you want to even die for your beliefs – be my fucking guest! Just kill yourself and I hope you find your heaven and afterlife and do not harm anyone else! Do not suffocate the rest of humanity and shit all over this beautiful planet because some jackass motherfucker from several 100 years ago told you to do so!

That is a sin. Stupidity and this much outright stupidity, unless you are handicapped, is a huge sin!

Prompt from the Daily Post at WordPress.com.

The Magdalene Sisters

From writer / director Peter Mullan comes a 2002 movie called The Magdalene Sisters about 4 young women who are sent to Magdalene Asylums, also known as ‘Magdalene Laundries’, homes for women who were labelled as “fallen” by their families or society. The homes were maintained by individual religious orders in the Roman Catholic Church in Ireland. The four girls are portrayed by Anne-Marie Duff, Nora Jane Noone, Dorothy Duffy & Eileen Walsh.

The movie starts with showing the circumstances through which 3 of the girls came to be sent to the Magdalene Asylum. Margaret is raped by her cousin at a wedding is thought to bring shame to her family; Bernadette who is an orphan is seen flirting with boys at a playground (even if there is a iron fence between them) & though she is a virgin; and Rose who has a child out of wedlock and the boy is taken away to be given for adoption. It is heartbreaking to see Rose pleading to her mother & father to just look at her new baby boy atleast once before sending him away. The 3 girls meet at the asylum where mentally challenged Crispina who has had a son outta wedlock is already a resident. The asylum is run by the greedy & malicious Sister Bridget who dishes out punishment via canning and forcefully cutting of the hair of girls who earn her wrath. The other nuns also seem to take merriment in physically & verbally torturing and abusing the girls. The asylum runs a large & profitable laundry service in which the girls are made to work during the day and are not allowed to speak during that time.

Rose is told that she will be called Patricia from now on as they already have a Rose as an inmate. She suffers pain when milk backs up in her breasts but is denied lactating them as Bridget feels that she must suffer through the anguish. An inmate named Una escapes and runs away to her home but is brought back by her father who has renounced her. Although Sister Bridget speaks tenderly to her that night, the next day she cuts all of Una’s long brunette locks off. Crispina and Bernadette are also reprimanded for speaking aloud in the laundry rooms, resulting in several blows to the back of the thighs with Sister Bridget’s switch. Bernadette seduces a laundry delivery man named Brendan and offers to marry him and elope at midnight if he helps her escape from the asylum. She is caught when Brendan, who has a key to the outdoor entrance, loses his nerve and Bernadette is forcefully and violently sheared of her dark hair which leaves her with various bloody cuts. Later in a scene that will stick with you, the girls are all forced to strip naked and parade their bodies for a couple of the nuns who then mock them and compare the breasts, buttocks and pubic hair of the girls.

Crispina, who’s sister brings her young son to see her once in while, is driven to try to kill herself by soaking herself in cold water and sleeping in it to catch a flu loses her precious St Christopher medal and tries to hang herself. The other 3 girls stop her just in time but Bernadette, who has the medal all along, decides against giving it back to Crispina. While out in the woods next to the asylum Margaret sees Crispina being forced to perform fellatio on Father Fitzroy, the resident priest just before mass. She tells Crispina not to consider him a man of god and fights with Bernadette when the medal is discovered under her pillow. Margaret decides to punish the priest by tossing in an itchy plant along with his clothes in the washing machine. The next day father Fitzroy break out in a livid rash and violently strips off his clothes during an open-air mass, causing much embarrassment. When Crispina realises she has the same rash between her legs and that Sister Bridget will not help her, she obsessively screams “You’re not a man of God!” at Fitzroy for 10 minutes. That night, Crispina is forcibly taken to Mt. Vernon, a hospital for the mentally ill, so she cannot reveal any more about Fitzroy’s sexual abuse of her.

After four years at the asylum Margaret’s younger brother, who is grown up now, gets her released from the asylum on Christmas day. As Margaret is leaving she blocks Sister Bridget’s way and refuses to give way, choosing to kneel down and pray so the visiting bishop has the sister move along. Soon after that Katy, the laundry overseer falls ill and dies alone in her room as the nuns refuse to even visit her. Bernadette, who hated Katy for alerting the nuns about her doomed escape, however relents and kisses Katy on the forehead as a goodbye. When she goes to inform sister Bernadette about Katy’s death, she finds the nun viciously beating for telling Crispina’s sister that she had been imprisoned in the mental hospital. That night, she tells Patricia that they have to leave. They break into Sister Bridget’s office, and after a confrontation with Bridget and other nuns, escape the asylum. With the help of Bernadette’s aunt, who lives in a nearby town, they are able to start anew.

At the end of the movie we learn that Patricia going by Rose again, married and had two daughters before finding the son that was taken from her in 1964. Bernadette became a hairstylist like her aunt and moved to Scotland but is never able to have stable, happy relationships. She married and divorced three times and is currently living alone. Margaret became a school deputy headmistress but never married. Crispina was found by her sister in Mt. Vernon but, her mental health having deteriorated, she died there of anorexia in 1971. he film’s epilogue states that an estimated 30,000 women were held at Magdalene asylums throughout Ireland, and the last laundry closed in 1996.

Stunning brutal & sad movie to watch. Peter Mullan has remarked that the film was initially made because victims of Magdalene Asylums had no closure. They had not received any recognition, compensation, or apology, and many remained lifelong devout Catholics. Former Magdalen Asylum inmate, Mary-Jo McDonagh, told director and writer Peter Mullan that the reality of the Magdalene Asylums was much worse than depicted in the film. 8 outta 10!

Overdose Of Corny & Stupid Religious Cheese!

CSI Miami episode :

An 8 month pregnant woman, victim of a brutal attack, is in hospital recovering from her injuries but the status is still critical considering her baby. She awakens and sees a lady cop sitting next to her who tells her where she is and what happened to her. The doctors check and inform them that the baby is still at risk as they had to stop the contractions as she, the pregnant woman, was seriously inured.

She asks the cop sitting next to her bed “Do you pray? I stopped praying when I was 12 but I’d like to pray now”. So lady cop tells her a corny, silly prayer that her grandmother taught her (angels, watching over you, god loving from above blah, blah, blah). This is a sign that the episode is heading down the path of being a Christian show! Oh brother!

Later the woman goes into labour and the doctors are unsure as to if the baby is gonna survive. Things are very hectic and dramatic when lady cop watching from behind glass walls, recites the same prayer and voila – we hear a baby crying and everything is alright!
With shows like CSI Miami – which is supposed to be about catching thieves & criminals using the latest technological stuff is doing these kinda episodes what chance do us atheists have!

Award Winners & God

What people really mean when they thank god when they win an award :

“I am so important that an almighty being, who allegedly created the whole universe and everything in it, is omnipotent, omnibenevolent & omniscient blah blah blah responsible for everything and anything in that universe that – out of all the people in the earth (cause you know, we haven’t found any sentient life in other areas of the universe) he chose me to help. And not just for anything that’s life-threatening or otherwise dangerous & harmful or catastrophic or pain, hunger, thirst, morally wrong.

Nope but it’s for an ego boosting award for something that many others could have easily won. So sorry starving kids, people, animals around the world; sorry people who are being raped, looted, murdered, tortured or otherwise wronged; sorry everyone who is going through a struggle, hardship, pain etc – my god is supporting me tonight

Goodnight, hallelujah and amen motherfuckers!

Never One Thing Or One Incident

Describe a memory or encounter in which you considered your faith, religion, spirituality — or lack of — for the first time.

It was never one thing or one incident that made me open my eyes and my mind  and call myself an atheist. I remember I was 13 when I started question the existence of gods (as my family is Hindu). I couldn’t believe that such things actually sat in heaven and ruled over the destinies of mankind by interacting with them from time to time. I’d say that although I stopped believing in gods or god (the Abrahamic concept of god is even more laughable) at the age of 13, I didn’t even know the meaning of the word atheist and so I didn’t call myself that. I just stated to people that I didn’t believe.

Although I wanted to. At one point I thought of genies and how cool it would be if I found 1 or several genies and they all had to grant me wishes (because that’s basically what praying is all about, you want something for either you or people you love). I was more of an agnostic at that age and it took me to the age of 19 to fully comprehend and understand what an atheist is (I had no books, fellow atheists and remember no internet to help guide me through this process). I battled it out as to what I was or what I believed  in. Some people were mean to me personally when I said that I couldn’t believe in a god or gods; nowadays I would laugh at the kind of comments people said (my age or older). Also as I pointed out to a few of my friends; even if I was wrong and such a creature called god existed, why the hell would people want to worship it? By all standards, it or they were unworthy or worship and love that was being bestowed upon by humans who believed.

So now, so many years later I am extremely comfortable with the label of “atheist”. Because it just means “one who does not believe in a god or gods”. The people who believe that there is some extra baggage that comes with the label are really stupid or ignorant or pretending or, worse, manipulated by their religion. I don’t claim to know anything for certain but I don’t have to – first the proof of a god or gods have to clear for everyone. And which god or gods! Then we shall talk about whether the fucker or fuckers are worthy of worship. So come up with the proof, until then – have a nice day! Besides, it important as to how you behave, how you treat other humans and animals and how you live your life without harming others and trying to get along with as many people as you can that matters! Not how much you “mentally masturbated”!

Oh and PS – if you think you can comment and “show me” the proof, I’ve heard all of them before and no it’s not proof of anything!

Prompt from the Daily Prompt At WordPress.Com.

10 Things You Won’t Believe Are In The Bible

10 Things You Won’t Believe Are In The Bible (I can)

Many of us will have learned of some of the most famous Bible stories during our childhood, from the tale of the Good Samaritan to the feeding of the five thousand. It’s a very long collection of texts though, so some pretty interesting tales have inevitably fallen through the cracks – we’ve found ten of the most unbelievable just for you, complete with chapter-and-verse references to prove we’re not making this up!

1. Kids Mock Bald Guy, Get Mauled To Death By Bear (2 Kings 2:23-24)

A follicly-challenged man called Elisha is leaving the town of Bethel after having healed the waters of the town by adding salt to them. As he does so, a large group of children followed him and threw insults at him, the ancient equivalent of “Baldy, Baldy! Get lost, Baldy! LOL”. Elisha, having just saved the town’s water supply, was a little put-off by this pack of ungrateful kids and turned around to curse them – not in the &*%! sense, but in the ‘I curse you in the name of the LORD’ sense. It seems the LORD was listening as two ‘she bears’ emerge from the nearby wood and tore apart 42 of the insolent children. Serves them right, pesky young’uns.

2. St Paul Endorses Subservience of Women (1 Timothy 2:12)

“I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” This supposedly direct quote from St Paul was in response to a question over whether women were allowed to teach men in church. Of course, this sentiment is not reflective of the beliefs of many modern Christians, though the Catholic Church has no female clergy and the introduction of women into the ranks of the Anglican church was, and continues to be, a matter of great controversy among leaders of that particular faction.

3. Righteous Man Offers Virgin Daughters To Rapists (Genesis 19:8 )

Lot, whose wife was famously turned into a pillar of salt, was a resident of famed holiday resort ‘city of sin’, Sodom. One day, two angels (who are apparently sexually irresistible) came to stay at Lot’s house, at which point a horny mob knocked at Lot’s door demanding to ‘know’ (yes, in the Biblical sense) the angels. Lot was an honourable fellow, so instead of handing over his guests, he instead offered the mob his two daughters to do with “as is good in your eyes”. Charming!

4. OMG = Death Sentence (Leviticus 24:10-16)

Speaking the Lord’s name in vain, otherwise known as blasphemy, was taken pretty seriously during the time of Moses. This passage in Leviticus describes the first incidence of it in which a man blasphemes during a fight, prompting Moses to ask God how this offence should be punished. God’s response: have him stoned to death by the entire community. Think about that next time you’re expressing surprise or frustration on the internet, because God knows what those letters stand for…

5. Peter’s Gospel Tells Slaves ‘Tough Luck’ (1 Peter 2:18 )

Not the most constructive part of the New Testament, Peter apparently issues some sort of behavioural guidance to those poor unfortunates who have found themselves and their entire lives literally owned by another human being. Instead of suggesting something along the lines of “Slaves, it’s totally okay to try and rebel against the evil man who considers you merely property – remember Moses?”, he tells slaves to submit themselves “with all respect” to their masters, even if they are being treated cruelly. Lovely sentiment there from the man who became the first Pope.

6. Donkey Tells Rider Where To Go (Numbers 22:28-30 )

A gentleman by the name of Balaam is riding along on his ass (stop snickering, we’re talking about the Bible here – that’s a donkey), whipping it to keep it under control. All of a sudden, God gives the donkey the power of speech, whereupon it takes the opportunity to have an argument with Balaam over the aforementioned beatings. Apparently not surprised at being spoken to by a donkey (maybe he’d seen Shrek?), Balaam threatens to kill it, before God steps in and gives him a stern telling-off. I wonder what God would think of jockeys’ whips.

7. Men With Intact Genitalia Must Be Exiled (Genesis 17:14)

As God is telling Abraham his holy duty, he lays down the rules on circumcision: that it must be performed on boys at the age of eight days, that it symbolises a covenant between Abraham (and his descendants) and God, and of course that any man who does not lose his foreskin shall be cast out from his entire community. Even new slaves that are bought by Abraham’s house must lose a little part of themselves, as if being a slave wasn’t bad enough already. It’s all there in Book No. 1, folks.

8. God Lays Down Rules On ‘Number Twos’ (Deuteronomy 23:13-14)
And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:God-Lays-Down-Rules-On-‘Number-Twos’

Clearly not wanting to be accused of not offering guidance on every potential incident in one’s life, Deuteronomy clarifies exactly what one should do when they can’t quite make it to the latrine in time. All men are told to carry “a paddle” with them at all times, so that when they evacuate their bowels they can “dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh”. The reason for the giving of this seemingly obvious public health advice is apparently so that God does not tread in one’s doings, as He “walketh in the midst of thy camp… therefore shall thy camp be holy”.

9. David Buys His Wife With Others’ Tips (1 Numbers 18:25-27)

David (he of Goliath-slaying fame) wanted to marry the daughter of Saul, who asked for the payment of one hundred Philistine foreskins as dowry (or bride price). David clearly thought this was a bargain (rather than the request of a madman), bringing back instead two hundred Philistine foreskins, getting himself Saul’s daughter’s hand in marriage and no doubt quite a few brownie points with the in-laws.

10. Breaking Up A Fight By Grabbing Your Husband By The Balls? Never Shalt Thee Be Ambidextrous (Deuteronomy 25:11)

More rules from Deuteronomy, this time dealing with the highly probable situation whereby two men are engaged in one-on-one combat and one man’s wife intervenes by way of grabbing her husband’s junk and pulling him out of the arena of conflict. This is unacceptable in the eyes of the Bible, which calls for the woman to have her hand cut off immediately, with no pity whatsoever to be offered unto her. Charming.

Turkey’s Rock n’Roll Imam

I never knew that this species existed Apparently in Turkey there is an Imam who also doubles up as a rock musician! Ahmet Muhsin Tuzer from a tiny hamlet on Turkey’s Mediterranean coast has run into trouble with the country’s powerful religious authorities — for his other life as a rock musician. Tuzer told AFP he is being investigated by the Diyanet, the state body in charge of the country’s mosques, over his activities. In a telephone interview from Pinarkoy, a tiny community near the Mediterranean beach resort of Kas, he said that although he is awaiting the results of the investigation, he is going to continue making music no matter what. He plans to go to the courts to continue his music career.

The Diyanet is looking to determine whether his form of music is compatible with Islam and whether his work as a musician conflicts with his role as imam, a government-funded post. And it recently sent a group of inspectors to the hamlet to question members of his 40-strong congregation about his activities. “I want to show that you can be a Muslim, listen to rock music and be modern at the same time,” insisted the 42-year-old. The imam made headlines in August when he and his band Firock performed for the first time in public at a local festival in his hometown of Kas in front of a crowd of hundreds of curious onlookers. He says his music is steeped in Sufism or mystical Islam and is primarily geared towards Turkish youth “who are distancing themselves from Islam today”. The probe into Tuzer highlights the ongoing battle in Turkish society between the religious conservatism espoused by the government and the staunchly secular traditions of the modern republic.

Tuzer is active on Facebook and Twitter and a single released by the three-member Firock “Mevlaya Gel” (Come to God) has had over 32,000 hits on YouTube. Tuzer previously angered religious authorities in Turkey in 1997 when as a prayer leader at a mosque in Istanbul he married a foreign tourist, a Christian woman who later converted to Islam. They have an 11-year-old son.

Tolerance

TOLERANCE

This was a reader’s ‘Letter to the Editor’ on Tolerance, published in the UK daily “SUN”. Unsure of it’s authenticity and writer but here goes:

“I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in London on the Thames? I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, “The Turban Cowboy”, and the other a topless bar called “You Mecca Me Hot.”

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called “Iraq o’ Ribs.” Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret “, with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, “Koranal Knowledge “, its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called “Morehammered.”

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, please publish my letter.”

It’s Wrong….But It’s Ok!

It’s wrong to deny someone choices – but it’s ok if it’s in the name of your religion!

It’s wrong to subjugate & dominate women – but it’s ok if it’s in the name of your religion!

It’s wrong to treat anyone unfairly – but it’s ok if it’s in the name of your religion!

It’s wrong to stop people from getting an education – but it’s ok if it’s in the name of your religion!

It’s wrong to label people based on their lifestyle & choices – but it’s ok if it’s in the name of your religion!

It’s wrong to kill someone – but it’s ok if it’s in the name of your religion!

The Ledge

Heard about this movie a year or so ago but only got round to watching it yesterday. The Ledge is a 2011 movie directed by Matthew Chapman and starring Charlie Hunnam, Terrence Howard, Liv Tyler, Christopher Gorham and Patrick Wilson. The film premiered in the U.S. Dramatic Competition at the 2011 Sundance Film Festival. The lives of a five people are focussed here with family, marriage, love, infidelity and religion takes focus in the dialogue driven script.

Detective Hollis Lucetti has just gotten the worst news he has ever had from a clinic. His doctor tells him based on tests that not only is he sterile and can no longer father children but that he has always been that way. Which means that the two small children he has had with his wife are not his. He confronts his wife at home before he goes to work and she confesses that she had a feeling that there was a problem. So she decided to go for an “arrangement” and had sex with Hollis’ younger brother to get pregnant and gave birth to two young kids. An enraged Hollis goes back to work when he is called to respond to an emergency; a man, Gavin Nichols is standing on a ledge as if to jump to his death. With a small crowd gathering below, it looks like a regular suicide attempt. Hollis reaches the small bunker room next to the ledge and leans throw the window to try and talk Gavin down. In a couple of minutes Hollis understands that Gavin is here not by his own choice and asks for the reason why.

Gavin then tells his story; he is an assistant manager of a big hotel in the city and recently met a woman in her 30s through one of the part time maids in the hotel. The woman, Shana, is also a music student and just so happens to be Gavin’s new neighbour in the apartment building they live in. Shana is hired and later her husband Joe invites both Gavin and his roommate Chris for dinner. At dinner Joe, a fundamentalist born-again Christian comes out as a rude bigoted man who mistakes Gavin & Chris for lovers, given that Chris is a open gay. Gavin, an atheist, despises Joe and leaves before they can eat and after saying thanks to Shana. Chris himself leaves in a couple of moments. Chris, who had lost everything and was helped by Gavin, tells him that he doesn’t think Shana, although religious, is like her husband. In the next few days Gavin flirts casually with Shana, intending to win her over and take her away from Joe, who he thinks does not deserve her. Although his intentions are casual and he treats it like a game in the beginning, when things becomes more serious he apologizes to her and they stay away from each other for a while. Joe invites Gavin over and apologizes for his rudeness as he thought Gavin was an atheist and gay too. The two then have a philosophical debate over religion, beliefs and ethics with neither convincing the other of their own point of view.

Meanwhile Chris is trying to get his relationship recognized by the religious organization where he and his boyfriend first met. Their relationship blossoms but their rabbi refuses to marry them as it is considered to be against god’s rules. Shana goes back to see Gavin and tells him her story – she became a drug addict at 18 and started selling her body to feed her addiction. One night her pimp sends her to a church to meet a customer, who beats her and leaves her lying naked at the church. There Joe, a former alcoholic who had amended his ways and started doing the “lord’s work”, helped her and later they got married, even though Joe dictates what Shana can & should do strictly as per his beliefs. As Gavin and Shana become closer, Shana decides she wants more than the  guilt and verbal abuse from her bully of her husband and they have sex when it’s just the two of them in the apartment. They meet whenever they can in secret and even arrange a meeting in one of the empty hotel rooms but Joe finds out about their rendezvous and is devastated. He then traps Shana and ties her up in the hotel room and calls Gavin out. After a discussion he tells Gavin to go to the top of the building opposite the hotel and stand on the ledge for over 3 hours before jumping off it right at 12 pm – or Joe will kill Shana with his gun. This is why Gavin is on the ledge.

Hollis tells Gavin his story as well, having made a connection with the about to be jumper. As it is almost noon the police try and find where Joe is holding Shana hostage but before they can find him Gavin, after telling Hollis to tell Shana that he loves her, says goodbye and jumps to his death. Hollis’ partner and the other cops manage to find Shana and arrest Joe, bringing him to the station. Shana goes back home after giving her statement and cries when she sees Chris. Hollis, takes Gavin’s advice and goes home to sit down with his wife and kids. As they have dinner his wife asks if she can say grace but Hollis, a Catholic, says not that day as the movie ends.

Although I was excited about the premise and the possibility of discussions between a fundamentalist and an atheist in a movie, something I had never seen before, the discussions are kinda cliched, stuff that you have heard in so many debates before but it’s worth watching once. The movie doesn’t really pan out but for what it is, it’s still worth a watch. 7 outta 10!

The New Priest At Mass

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,

“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8 ) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as ‘Mary with the Cherry’.

13) Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.