So You Want To Get Into Politics In Kerala?

Kerala politicians are a breed apart from the rest of us in the state. Infact, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they are a different species all together. Here are a few things that I have noted about them creatures:

  • If you are into politics in Kerala and and active member of any party, you must wear all white. White half sleeved shirts or jubas and white dhotis or mundu. It just has to be all white — in order to counteract the fucking black, black hole that you call a heart!
  • Education, being well read, being able to read, aware of the world events, style, class – these are just suggestions!
  • To be a minister you must be above the age of 60. To be a leader of a party, atleast 70. And Chief Minister….well 80 is a minimum!
  • For election promotion posters & photos, you must look like a total dork! The photographer will tell you to smile and part your mouth and show some teeth. Make sure that your overall look is as insincere as possible. And if you are lucky, you will get to wear a little lipstick along with your buck teeth & mustache. Classic!!
  • If you are a jerk and an asshole, it helps! If you have a criminal record, bonus!!!
  • When you are the opposition party, you must take every opportunity to belittle the current governing party’s short comings and belittle their efforts. Forget the fact that when you were in power, you did even worse and gave up without trying a second time for these same concerns.
  • When in power ensure that you milk every tragedy to your benefit. Stand next to victims for photo opportunities and comfort them during a tv interviews. Ignore them the moment the camera is shut!
  • Please ensue that you & your party declare a few strikes & harthals every few weeks. The public is used to it. So block the roads, bar people from going to work, opening shops or enjoying a day out on the town. They should not get these rights. Rather you should unfurl your flags and bring the state to a stand still. The issue at hand is not relevant but the duration of the harthal is.
  • Make every effort to milk money from government funds, taxes, election contributions & bribes. After all, you do need the latest cars, a few mansions and also keep the talkative prostitutes who bore you 12 illegitimate children happy!

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