Write A Letter To Your 100 Year-old Self

Dear 100 year old me

I hope you have remembered to put on your heavy thick glasses because, grandpa, you should know that you can’t read anything without them on. Do you have them on? Good. How are you you old fart? You just turned 100 you say. Holy crap that is ancient, dude. I can see that all the remaining hair on your head is completely white. But dude, what’s with your pubes that it is also snow white! And can you even get it up anymore? No, didn’t think so. When was the last time you were able to get it up, 20 years ago?

There now, don’t fall asleep on me. I know you are 100 years old but geeze old man, stay awake for the duration of this letter atleast. So does it feel to be a 100 and outlive all the people your age and a lot of people younger than you as well? Bet you are glad that you signed that long term insurance deal / cable tv package / cell phone connection now aren’t you? What’s that, you don’t even remember what your friends or family members looked like anymore? That’s a shame. So how do you spend your days other than napping 6 times a day and peeing & pooping in a pan? How’s that hot home nurse you have at your beck and call? Did you ever pinch her butt? No – not even once? Everyday?- atta boy!

So Rosh did you ever think that you’d ever live to be a 100? Not the greatest thing in the world is it? I mean young people seem to like you and want to take a picture with you but it’s not anything great. You can’t do much so you are confined to yoru house, sitting in your big comfy chair or lying in bed. Once a day that hot nurse takes you in your wheelchair for a spin around the house and the street but each time you get confused as to is it the same place or not as your memory isn’t what it used to be.  And you can’t read or watch tv anymore. And it’s no fun falling asleep and peeing in your pants. What is it that you miss the most of your youth?

Do you have many regrets? Do you want to live a few more years or do you wish it could all end now? Was it worth it to live on for a century? Don’t you just hate being all alone with all that you loved and who loved you long gone?

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