The blasted cold turned into a light fever and the sore throat only got worse as I tossed and turned in my bed last night. I woke up a few times to get some hot water and even made a black coffee at 1 am. Nothing would blow away the sucker. So there I was, awake at 6 am and getting ready for work. I bought some vicks lozenges, a bottle of cough syrup and a vicks inhaler to help me get through the day.

So I was there at the office by 8:50 am and took my first session by 9 am. Towards the end of it my throat started hurting a little bit but I was holding up ok. I took a break, had some syrup and a cough drop lozenge and waited till the next batch came in. I took them through the same material that I had prepared and this batch were a lot more interactive and therefore I did not even feel tired afterwards. By 11:30, I was told by the ops guys that it would be a long wait before they could send me another batch. I said ok and that I would wait. I headed to the very back of the call floor and sat on one of the chairs and rested my head against the board and closed my eyes. Not sure if I actually napped much but it was almost 1 pm when I got up from there.

I was really tired and the strain was showing on my face for others to see. I went to check with ops as to when they could get me another batch of kids. It seems that they could not give me another for quite a while as they did not have enough backup agents and that I should probably go home as it would be a waste of my time waiting for them. Why would they insist that the training commence on a Sunday then? I had sacrificed my Sunday off just so that I could start it off and try to cover as many people as I could. We had actually suggested to start on Monday but it was ops decision that it just couldn’t wait! So I informed my training head and he said to go home. I waited till 1:45 and then headed out in the hot sun to the bus stop and slowly made my way back.

The sun, the syrup, the fever, the cold & the training sessions took a toll on me (although I was perfectly willing and able to continue and finish off the remaining scheduled 6 more training sessions) and I had a little lunch at home and then went to bed. I slept for the most part of 4 hours during which there were fierce thunder and lightning and heavy rain pured all over Cochin. I was oblivious to it and only enjoyed the wind that came through the open windows as I wrapped myself in a blanket and dozed.

Song for the day – “Falling Off The Face Of The Earth” – NEIL YOUNG

I can’t believe how suddenly and unexpectedly a cold and sore throat descended upon me. There were no warning signs, no difficulty in breathing or cough that signals the onslaught of the flem fest. It only started around 8:50 pm as I was sitting at home and just finished dinner. Three quick sneezes followed by a cough that made me go ‘oh ho’! Was I due a little illness? Hmm, I think so.

The timings couldn’t be worse – tomorrow I have eight 45 min training session on quality parameters to be dished out to 8 different batches of call center agents. This is a very important session being organized after a lengthy meeting today. We sat and went through the problem areas that were affecting the quality of the calls and came up with the top 5 defects which were responsible for 40% of all the defects. From 10:45 till about 2 pm we sat in a small conference room and came up with the solutions and it is to be implemented ASAP. Now, I am the only trainer working on Sunday (since I took a leave on Monday) and the burden falls solely on me. On Monday I will be sharing it with the two others that took the session and hopefully we can conclude it by Tuesday. But I will be having a holiday on Tuesday and Wednesday will be my compensation for working on Monday.

If only this blasted cold gets over by the time I reach the office.

Song for the day – “I’m Alright” – TERRI CLARK

Colour meme

I was tagged ages ago to do this colour meme, but I never got around doing it. Here we go now:

~~~~~~~~~~~~RED~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Closest red thing to you?
My comfy chair
2. Have you ever cheated in a relationship?
No.

3. Last thing to make you angry?
Silly stuff with my mom

4. Are you a fan of romance?
In real life, yeah all the time and if it is from the heart. And in movies & songs, yeah most of the time.
5. Have you ever been in love?
Sure. I’m in the recovering stage of unrequited love right now, :_(.

~~~~~~~~~~~~GREEN~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Closest green thing to you?
Old bottle of 7 Up. It has cold water in it now.
2. Do you care about the environment?
I do – who doesn’t? We have messed up things a lot.
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now?
Yeah, of anyone who is loved back by the person who they love.
4. Do you like being outdoors?
As long as it is not too hot.
5. Are you Irish?
Only when I drink Irish coffee! I wish I had some Gunniness though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~PURPLE~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Last purple thing you saw?
The cover of a book lying on my bed
2. Like being treated to expensive things?
The thought behind a gift counts much more than the actual gift.

3. Favorite type of chocolate?
Tobelerone & Mars. Cadbury’s Fruit & Nut.
4. Ever met anyone in royalty?
No. But I have met many ROYAL PAIN IN THE BUTTS
5. Are you lonely?
Yeah. All the time. Story of my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~YELLOW~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Closest yellow thing to you?
Small empty can of paint that is left over from the work in our apartment.
2. Favorite holiday?
None in particular.
3. Are you a coward?
I dunno. I think not. But there was a situation two days ago when I though I was.
4. Do you want children?
Yes. Three atleast.
5. What makes you feel warm and safe?
At the moment, the heat and my sheets. In the other sense…..nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~BLUE~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Closest blue thing to you?
A bag that I used to carry to work last year. I don’t use it anymore but it is hanging on my clothes stand.

2. Are you good at calming people down?
I think so. Some people tell me that I am.
3. Do you like the sea?
Yes, would love to live by it.
4. What was the last thing to make you cry?
Thinking about my life and the girl I love.
5. Can you sleep easily?
Usually yes. At the moment, no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~PINK~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Closest pink thing to you?
My towel. Lying on a chair.
2. Do you like sweet things?
Yup.

3. Do you like punk music?
Not a big fan. Some songs I like.
4. What is your favorite flower?
Hmmmm, I’m gonna say lotus.

5. Does someone have a crush on you?
I have no clue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ORANGE~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Closest orange thing to you?
A book that I scribble notes in.

2. Do you like to burn things?
I like to burn paper.

3. Dress up for Halloween?
No, as we don’t really celebrate Halloween in India.

4. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship?
The security of a relationship.

5. What would your superpower be?
Be INVISIBLE. ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~WHITE~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Closest white thing to you?
My bed sheet, my curtains & the sheet I use to cover my computer.

2. How do you imagine your wedding?
Me, the girl & I would keep it very simple.

3. Do you like to play in the snow?
Don’t get snow here. But I imagine I would like it.
4. Are you afraid of going to the doctor or dentist?
I hate doctors.

5. Do you have Attention Deficit Disorder?
No.
~~~~~~~~~~~~BLACK~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Closest black thing to you?
My cell phone.

2. Ever enjoy hurting people?
No, I’m a teddy bear. I wouldn’t hurt you.
3. Are you sophisticated or silly?
Sophisticatedly Silly!

4. Would you like to go to space?
Yeah. Nothing can be worse than this planet. Except Uranus! ROTLF :D
5. Do you have a lot of secrets?
I could fill a book thicker than the bible.

Song for the day – “As I Am” – DREAM THEATRE

Tonight marks the end of the longest week of my entire life. I dunno if I will be able to bear another one like this. It has been a mental torture for me and I never ever want to go down that path again. Atleast not if I want to continue living. The worst could be over and I might be able to continue living and trying to get back some degree of normalcy in my life. But I doubt it.

I can’t believe that it has only been a week since my world came tumbling down. Is that all? I shudder when I think about the fact that it has been only 7 days. It feels like a month or even two. Can one go through such thoughts in just seven days? I don’t think I have ever imagined that I could ever have put myself through these kinds of emotions and feelings. I never want to go through this again. With all this and the fact that I almost did the unimaginable and nearly got myself killed by getting in the path of a train.

Let me tell you that a day by myself actually helped. I don’t know how it did but it did. But then something else almost happened. I don’t want to reveal that at the moment. It is the darkest of my times and I am not sure if I can put it to text as of right now. Maybe some other time, another day. I am not sure how I survived it. Why is this happening to me? Can I never ever hope to be happy and satisfied? Am I doomed to be the same sad lonely guy?

In a few days I will post about the full reason behind this and I will come clean about everything but not what almost happened today. That is embarrassing to admit at the moment.

But I can safely say this : I will never, ever be the same Roshan again. Never! Too much has happened to me and I can never come back to being the same guy I was. That much is sure. Too many wounds, too many scars that won’t heal. I’ll put in in words again – I will never be the same person again!

Song for the day – “Good Enough” – SARAH MCLACHLAN

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Friday night, having spent one of my worst days at the office due to my personal hell that is going on in my mind, I felt all alone. Despite having friends who care about me. That is so funny, I know. I can’t begin to describe the kaleidoscope of emotions that went through my mind throughout the day. First was the drama with my mother; as always it usually signals a bad day. I told her off and admitted to her that I, not only have had it with life and that I would welcome death but if I was to continue to live, that it would have to be on my own and all alone. Perhaps even keep a healthy distance from family. This last part was said as I was leaving the apartment and did not give her any oppurtunity to react.

As I contemplated this statement over and over in my mind, I started to calculate the cost and what all I would require when I did eventually leave. To live out a proper life in Kerala on my salary is not easy, especially with the way I handle money. So I would have to get off my ass and ensure that I stick to a tight budget and never overspend even a bit. That would be crucial. What relatives and other people would say when they would find out that I had moved & would stay separate from my family while still in the same city will be another thing but the least of my problems. However should I wait until I get a little more in means of salary?

Around 3:30 my whole world collapsed in front of me. What little positivity I was carrying around in the form of bravado died on the spot.

That comes to my last bit – I came close to being gone from this earth myself. I left the office around 8 pm with a couple of friends but they were heading to the company quarters on a bike in one direction and I was heading in another. I had to cross the dark & damp place under the bridge and over the railway crossing all on my own. It was very dark having rained all night and I only had the light from my cell phone to guide me through. As I was going there, I saw a distant light in the dark. This yellow light was welcoming and it was moving towards me. I was fascinated by it and was looking straight at it as I walked. I was on the train tracks by then and it was indeed a train approaching. I didn’t know anything else in this world. Just that light, even the sound of the train escaped me. Actually it was only the front engine and one boggie. But I was not moving much. At that time, I heard someone call out my name and I moved towards that voice. It was a security guard from the company building who called me. I stepped back and the train passed me by. I don’t know if he knew that I was on the track, since it was so dark. He probably did not know that had he passed by a few seconds later, I would not be here to type this entry.

Why does that not feel like a good thing? Maybe he should not have been there.

Song for the day – “Tonight Is The Night I Fell Asleep At The Wheel” – BARENAKED LADIES

I’ve been having some trouble sleeping lately. I know the reason and if you have read the past few blog entries you would know that I have a reason for losing sleep as well. But the very fact that I have it is surprising to me. For years I have always felt that I slept too little, that I went to bed too late and that woke up too late. My friend Cathy was always after me to change my lifestyle, to go to bed earlier and get up earlier. It was not possible then due to my work hours which change periodically and that I was so used to it as well.

For the past one month I have been trying to get more sleep by going to bed earlier and to get up at a more respectable time. It has been a struggle and I was giving up hope. But now, I just can’t sleep much. I kinda feel sleepy at around midnight but that is the time I watch tv (reruns of Seinfeld & Friends) and I try not to miss them since they make me laugh and for that hour, I am not miserable. But by the time they get over, I am not sleepy anymore. I head back to my room with a bottle of water and wonder when I can catch some zzzzs.

I have started reading at night till I fall asleep. And guess which novel it is? Insomnia by Stephen King! The irony is not lost on me. Really, I read a few pages before going to bed. But I am waking up earlier than usual. I keep the alarm for 8:30 am but I am awake by either 7:15 or 7:30.

Song for the day – “Tear In Your Hand” – TORI AMOS

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I volunteered to answer any random 5 questions, sent to me by Tina

• how to steal a million online download

, someone whose blog I read quite often. Well, since I asked for it, here goes:

1. If you had to keep only three albums for the rest of your life, what would they be and why?

This is a tough one. Since I rip all my albums into mp3s and listen to them as I like. Hmmm, but I suppose “Disc 1: All Their Greatest Hits 1991-2001” by the Barenaked Ladies, “Mirrorball” by Sarah McLachlan & “Rearviewmirror: Greatest Hits 1991-2003” by Pearl Jam. As for the why? – Those are my two fav bands and my fav singer. Pearl Jam makes me think, the Barenaked Ladies make me laugh and Sarah makes me cry. ;)

2. Do you have a small or large immediate family? Does everyone get along?

Small and no, definitely not.

3. Have you travelled the world or stayed close to home? Where have you been? Where would you go if you went? And why?

Stayed close to home. I was born in Kuwait and lived there till I was 11 years old. I have been to Bahrain and the UK (both don’t count since I was very small and I can’t remember it). I live in India. I would love to go to Canada – for the hockey, beer & great Canadian music.

4. Left-handed or right-handed?

Right-handed. Silly question compared to the others, I feel. :P

5. What are your current computer specs? Operating software? Hard drive size?

Ok, 256 RAM, 80 GB HD, 17in monitor, AMD Athelon. Using Windows XP.

To play along…
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.