Another Year Passes Me By

As another year passes me by and I grow another year older, I always stop and have a look back at all the stuff that has happened to me. All the things I have done. All the things I haven’t done till now and still want to do. All the things I should have done. All my regrets. All the things I wish I was.

I will be 36 years old in an hour (as I type this). I never ever dreamed that I would be where I am at 36. Struggled, reached rock bottom and shit. I didn’t know that I would still be living here. I didn’t know that I would be living a lonely life. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t have most of the things (not just material things) that I crave for and need at this age. Like a place of my own. Financially stable. A life of my own. A partner who would make things worthwhile for me and vice versa. Things have never just worked out for me. I have made mistakes, granted, and I will still make a few more before my time is done. But when I look at people who have lied, cheated and/or ass-kissed their way to where they are – a better place than me – I feel down & dejected. Is this it? Am I never gonna have a better way of living? Am I the failure that I see when I look in the mirror?

Looking back on my life I can safely say that unless someone has had it out for me and messed with me (or others), I have never wished ill will on anyone. Never tried to intentionally hurt someone unless they hurt me or tried to hurt me first. I’ve offered my help, more than most other people do and all I have ever asked for in return is a smile, a thanks and maybe friendship. I have never asked for much back. I have always been there with an open heart and a friendly smile. It doesn’t end up good for guys like me. I dunno know if everyone would label me as a good guy – I do. I honestly think I am a good person. But I am an example of the fact that good guys finish last. We are the ones at the end of the show, slowly making our way back to our humble abode. The guy who ends up wishing & longing. The one who gets very little credit. The old dog who ends up without a bone. I dunno I just feel like this!

Like the lyrics to a Bon Jovi – I wish that I could be in some other time & place, with someone else’s soul and someone else’s face cause I’m feeling like a Monday but someday I’ll be Saturday Night! I hope my Saturday night does come someday soon.

Why I Held Back

Today’s blog prompt is – Describe a time when you should have spoken up about something – but didn’t.

There was a time at one of my previous jobs where I should have spoken up and mentioned about the crap that was happening. I should have taken a stand but I didn’t. This was by October, 2010 to March 2011. I had to bear the brunt of it. Manipulation was being done and it was at my department’s expense. But mostly it was at my expense. I was targeted because I didn’t want to twist and turn the process t suit the ego of one individual who then mocked anyone who didn’t do it for him. I should have sent alarm bells ringing and blown the whistle. Kept various superiors in loop. But I didn’t. And I paid the price for it.

I let myself down. That asshole is still in a big company and reaping & making money, while I struggled after leaving that organization. He would target me and some other people because we wouldn’t bend over. Bastard I hope you rot in hell. You had me against the odds and I suffered. You wanted to make an example out of me and I played along, cause I wasn’t sure about how to go about it. This motherfucker sat in the client review and in front of the client told me not to inform the corporate boss I had – go ahead and cheat on the data! Just so that he could squeeze some more rupees. He twisted the process in front of the clients so they had the feeling that the process change was my idea! As if I would want to do so! That day I knew that the end was near. And finally, when a sonofabitch who never supported me but only made my work life miserable realized he had goofed up, he wanted to push it onto my head! Sorry fucker! I didn’t bite and said that I wouldn’t agree to it.

That was when it was decided that I would have to leave. I still worked hard for 2 more months and left the organization. I struggled for over a year but I think I am in a good place now. And it looks like I might have the last laugh. I think my new employers are going to steal (by that I mean are going to be granted some work & process that my old org had or were supposed to get) some work from under his nose. I would enjoy that so much! When it does happen, I’ll make sure that he gets to know that I am part of it. Kiss my ass!