A man is sitting in a bar staring at his drink. After staring at it for half an hour without taking a sip, one of the bar regulars decides to have some fun with him. He picks up the man’s drink and knocks it back in one. The man starts crying. ‘Don’t take it like that,’ says the regular. ‘It was a joke. I’ll buy you another one.’ ‘It’s not just that,’ replies the man. ‘This day has been the worst one of my life. First, I oversleep and get into work late. My boss fires me and, when I leave the building, I find my car had been stolen. I get a cab home but leave my briefcase on the back seat with my wallet in it. Then, when I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. After all that I come to this bar and then, when I’ve just made up my mind to end it all, you show up and drink my poison…’
~~~***~~~
A man walks into a bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness. He lines them up on the bar and announces that he’ll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. Patrick sticks up his hand and says he’d like a go if the man can wait half an hour. Patrick then leaves the pub, comes back 30 minutes later and downs the 20 pints one after another. The man is impressed and hands over the money, ‘But tell me,’ he asks. ‘Where did you go to for that half an hour?’ ‘Ah, well,’ says Patrick. ‘Before I took your bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it.’
~~~***~~~
A man walks into a Florida bar and finds they’re holding a contest. The bartender tells him the details: ‘First you have to drink three bottles of moonshine. Second, you go out back and pull a sore tooth out the mouth of my pet ’gator. And last, you have to go upstairs and have sex with Ma Jackson, the town’s oldest, ugliest prostitute. If you can do all that in one hour and stay conscious, you win a year’s supply of beer.’ ‘Sounds tough,’ says the man, ‘but I’ll give it a go.’ The man drinks the three bottles of moonshine then, completely plastered, staggers out back to find the ’gator. After half an hour of crashes and screaming, the man crawls back covered in bruises and cuts, ‘Okay,’ slurs the man. ‘Sho were ish the old broad wid the bad tooth?’
~~~***~~~
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me, because I can tell the difference.’ The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with five-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, ‘Bartender, this crap is five-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.’ The bartender tries once more with eight-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, ‘Bartender, I don’t want eight-year scotch. Give me 12-year scotch!’ Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch. The man takes a sip and sighs, ‘Ah, now that’s the real thing.’ A drunk has been watching this with great interest. He stumbles over, sets a glass down in front of the man, and says, ‘Hey, try this one.’ The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out again, ‘Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!’ The drunk says, ‘Yeah. Now how old am I?’
