Lords Of Salem

Rob Zombie’s latest is called The Lords Of Salem, a supernatural horror flick which was written, produced and directed by him. The movie stars his wife Sherri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davison, ¬†Judy Geeson,¬†Patricia Quinn,¬†Dee Wallace,¬†Jeff Daniel Phillips, and¬†Meg Foster. Set in the city of Salem, Massachusettes which was famous for the witch trials all those years ago, the movie was released to festivals in late 2012 and made the theatres in 2013.

Heidi is a recovering drug addict and DJ at a popular rock station for a show that airs in the evening. After her shift ends at the station one night and she is leaving with her co-hosts Whitey & Herman, the receptionist hands over a wooden box that came in Heidi’s name that contains a music album by an unknown band that calls themselves the Lords. Herman adds their town name and calls them Lords of Salem. At her home, she and Whitey listen to the record which is of a woman’s voice reciting a mysterious chant. Heidi has a vision of witches birthing a baby then damning it. The vision stops once Whitey turns the album off. However a nude witch seems to be hanging around Heidi’s apartment. The next day Heidi and her friends interview Francis Matthias, an author who has written a book on the Salem witch trials. The station then plays the Lords of Salem record, which causes all of the women in Salem (other than Heidi), who are listening to the radio show, to enter a trance. Matthias goes home and plays the song again, as his wife had recorded the show due to his interview, and tells her that he is disturbed by the name Lords of Salem.

Meanwhile Heidi is drinking wine with her landlord Lacy and her two sister Sonny & Megan. Sonny, a palm reader, tells Heidi that she is destined to given in to her darkest sexual desires, which prompts Heidi to say goodnight. At night her dog Troy barks at something in the hall and Heidi is drawn to the vacant #5, where she goes into a trance and experiences visions of a demon and a nude witch that demands that she lead the coven again. Heidi wakes up in bed and assumes the events in Apartment 5 were a vivid nightmare. A troubled Heidi goes to a church where she is sexually assaulted by the priest but when she comes to she feels that it could be a hallucination. Heidi flees the church but is faced with a ghostly entity who tells her that he has been waiting for her. Matthias does some research on the Lords of Salem and discovers the notes of their music in a book he is reading. He goes to see the author who tells him that in the seventeenth century the Reverend Hawthorne accused a coven of witches of creating the music to control the women of Salem. As a result Hawthorne killed the witches, but not before one of them, Margaret Morgan ‚ÄĒ the witch Heidi encountered outside Apartment 5 ‚ÄĒ cursed both the Salem women and Hawthorne’s descendants, calling his bloodline “the vessel by which the devil’s child would inherit the earth.” Further research demonstrates that Heidi is a descendant of Reverend Hawthorne.

Next at the station the show is giving away free tickets for the debut concert by the Lords of Salem and the song being played causes Heidi to have more visions that disturb her. Upset, she spends the night at Whitey’s home, but experiences more disturbing visions before waking up in her own apartment. She then starts buying drugs to consume again and while stones is visited by Sonny, Megan & Lacy who bring her tea and food. While Heidi is in a trance they take her to apartment 5, which suddenly looks like a concert / opera ball – with the same demon from before at the top of the stairs. She approaches the demon and (what seems to me like he impregnates her somehow) he screams. She is taken back to her apartment were she goes back to sleeping for hours at a stretch. The next day Matthias comes looking for her to tell her about what he has learned about the Lords of Salem and her linage but after an ‘interrogation’ by Lacy, Sonny & Megan he is killed by them. Herman & Whitey later come to take her to the concert but as she goes in through a door without them, they are looked out and Heidi is in the concert room with several women – the ones who had heard the song through the radio. Lacy, Sonny, Megan join the ghosts of Margaret and her coven in a satanic ritual and the music makes all the women remove their clothing. In the middle of this Heidi gives birth to¬†a strange creature (supposed to be Satan’s spawn) atop the corpses of the naked audience members. The next day the station announces the mass suicide by 32 women at the concert and Heidi’s disappearance.

Strange, brooding but not scary at all. I was hoping for more although some parts of it were done well. 7 outta 10!

The New Priest At Mass

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,

“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8 ) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as ‘Mary with the Cherry’.

13) Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Favourite Playthings As A Child

What was your favorite plaything as a child? Do you see any connection between your life now, and your favorite childhood toy?

I can’t remember anything that stands out a lot. I had a bunch of toy cars and I played with them a lot. General cars, a truck or two, buses and even some toy bikes. I remember the old ones which go on their own once you wind them up. Having races with my friends, or even all alone, to pass the afternoons. I had a race track, with a loop, that I would play my toy bikes on.

I also remember this plaster of Paris thing that I had – came in a box with rubber/latex designs of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters. You mix the ingredients and pour it into the latex stuff and wait for it to harden and dry off. Then once it is done and you carefully pull them out you get a white figure of the character. You then use a small paintbrush and paint to bring them to colour. I remember this one especially because try as we might, no one could make it come out perfect. They would always break.

Sometime around 1985 or 86 my dad bought my sister and me an Atari video game box. Lousy graphics and games by today’s standards ofcourse but we loved it. Bowling, Igloo building, some fighter jet game etc etc. Perhaps a Pac-Man game in it too (can’t remember)? We loved those and I spent hours playing them.

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Arsenal 2 Swansea 1

Arsenal extended their lead at the top of the Premier League to two points as goals from Serge Gnabry and Aaron Ramsey saw them to victory at Swansea. After Tottenham and Chelsea drew, and Manchester United and Manchester City lost, the Gunners capitalised to maintain their early-season promise. German teenager Gnabry slotted the opener after half-time, his first goal for Arsenal,  and in-form Ramsey fired in to double the advantage. However, Swansea were a battling team, playing an attacking style befitting their coach former Danish international Michael Laudrup. Ben Davies volleyed home to give Swansea hope but Arsenal held on.

The result extends their club record of consecutive away wins in all competitions to 12 and equals their record of eight in the Premier League, which was set in the 2001-02 title-winning campaign. While much credit has gone to new signing Mesut Ozil, once again Arsenal’s driving force was Ramsey, who joined them as a 17-year-old in 2008 and suffered from injury and inconsistency until this season. The former Cardiff player was booed throughout by the home supporters but responded with another commanding display, playing a role in both of his side’s goals and scoring an eighth in eight games. Similarly influential was Gnabry, the 18-year-old German scoring his first goal for the Gunners in only his second Premier League start. Both men shone against a Swansea side now without a league win in eight matches at the Liberty Stadium, where Arsenal kicked-off knowing exactly what was at stake having seen their rivals slip up earlier in the day.

The other match that I saw last evening was Chelsea vs Tottenham Hotspurs which ended in a 1-1 draw and saw Fernando Torres sent off.

5 TV Characters I Love

In a fantasy world, forget about spouses and loves, if you could fall in love with a movie or tv character, name 5 you would choose. Not the actors but the movie characters.

I am going to skip actresses/characters from Star Trek – I love all of them and have massive crushes on them all – so these are from non-Star Trek shows only.

  • Samantha Carter (Amanda Tapping) : from Stargate SG1 and Stargate Atlantis & Stagate Universe: how can you not fall in love with a smart military scientist, who is kind, sweet, compassionate and a hottie to boot?
  • Cordelia Chase (Charisma Carpenter) : from haughty, rich popular cheerleader in Buffy The Vampire Slayer she became a champion of good vs evil (until she was taken over by a demon). But Cordy in Angel was a sweetie & a hottie. What a character!
  • Lyta Alexander (Patricia Tallman) : I love redheads and they are dangerous. The¬†telepath turns deadly to the crew of Babylon 5 and becomes something of an antagonist at the end but it’s hard not to love Lyta for the victim of circumstance that she was. She however rises up and becomes a huge contributor to the war efforts yet finds herself at the receiving end of bureaucracy and sides with a group of fellow telepaths.
  • Emily Prentiss (Paget Brewster) : The tough as nails yet heart of gold special agent Prentiss on Criminal Minds who graced the show for 6 seasons. I still can’t get over her leaving the show (and probably never ever will).
  • Jessica Hamby (Deborah Ann Woll) : The hottie & cutie vampire from True Blood. It’s tough not to fall in love with her and her sweet disposition and naivety. She is just so oomph and the second redhead in this bunch. Jessica – I wanna do bad things with you!

World War Z

Based on the 2006¬†novel of the same name¬†by¬†Max Brooks World War Z is a 2013 horror-action-post apocolaptic movie starring Brad Pitt. Directed by¬†Marc Forster¬†screenplay by¬†Matthew Michael Carnahan, Drew Goddard & Damon Lindelof with additional input by J. Michael Straczynski (Babylon 5‘s creator). Starring along with Pitt (who also co-produced the movie) are Mireille Enos, Matthew Fox, Fana Mokoena and a brief role by David Morse.

Pitt stars as former UN investigator Gerry Lane, who is driving his wife Karin and their two young daughters Rachel and Constance to school. Gerry left his travel heavy job to spend more time with his family. While stuck in traffic the city is attacked by a horde of zombies who infect others very quickly as they bite them; in a matter of a seconds the newly bitten person dies and is reanimated as a zombie. Gerry drives his family away from the horde in an RV and they make their way into an apartment unit, after stocking up on asthma medicine for Rachel, and take refuge with a Hispanic family. Gerry phones his former boss and close friend  Deputy Secretary-General Thierry Umutoni Рwho sends a helicopter to pick up the family. While the Lanes attempts to make it to the roof, more zombies attack and kill the couple who sheltered them but their son Tommy makes it through the roof and is able to be join the Lanes as they are airlifted away from the attacking zombies.

The helicopter takes the Lanes & Tommy to a fleet of¬†U.S. Navy vessels off the coast of¬†New York City, where scientists and military personnel analyze the scope of the worldwide outbreaks. A leading virologist Dr. Andrew Fassbach argues that the outbreak of zombie plague is caused by a virus and that they should analyze the origin in order to create a vaccine against it. Because of his expertise as a former UN investigator, Gerry is tasked with helping Fassbach find the outbreak’s source and along with a team of soldiers travels in a military plan to Camp Humpfrey’s in South Korea. Gerry reluctantly agrees to join up or his family could be removed from the vessel as non-essential personnel. As soon as the land, Gerry’s team is attacked by zombies and Dr. Fassbach is killed when he slips and shoots himself by accident. Gerry learns from the surviving soldiers at the camp that the zombies are attracted to noise and the only way to stop them is to shoot them in their heads. A former CIA agent turned rogue, who is a prisoner at the camp, ¬†tells Gerry to go to¬†Jerusalem, where the Israeli¬†Mossad¬†have established a safe zone just before the outbreak was officially acknowledged, implying¬†Israel¬†might have had prior knowledge of what was to come. As Gerry and his escorts cycle back to the airplane, his phone rings when Karine tries to call¬† him, and this alerts the zombies who rush at them killing several soldiers as they cover Gerry and the pilot who leave for Jersusalem.

At Jersusalem, Mossad director Jurgen Warmbrunn explains to Gerry that they had intercepted communications from an army general in¬†India, who stated that Indian troops were fighting the “rakshasa,” or “dead spirits’ a few months ago. With this knowledge, they had build the wall around the city and ‘quarantined it’. However loud singing and celebrations of the refugees attract the attention of the zombies who scale the walls in a massive pile on and climb into the city, falling from so high yet getting up and attack people. Massive piling of zombies like army ants attack the running people of Jerusalem as Israeli soldiers try and get Gerry to his plane. During this attack Gerry notices that the zombies avoided an old man and an emaciated boy but attacked everyone else. One of Gerry’s escorts, a soldier named Segen, is bitten on the hand by a zombie but Gerry amputates her hand to stop the spread of the infection. As Gerry’s pilot had panicked and flown away in the plane, the soldiers rush him to the nearby airfield where both Gerry and Segen make it to a Belorussian airliner as it is leaving. The plane is diverted to Cardiff, Wales where Gerry is to meet the scientists in a¬†WHO¬†research facility. However a stowaway zombie attacks a stewardess and artacks the passengers spreading the infection. Gerry detonates a grenade that blows a hole in the plane which sucks out all the zombies but the pilots also lose control of the craft and it crashes. An injured Gerry & Segen are the only survivors and they make their way on foot to the WHO facility.

After 3 days of recovery, Gerry tells the surviving scientists at the facility that, based on his observations, the infected zombies do not bite people who are seriously injured or already terminally ill, since they would be unsuitable hosts for viral reproduction. To test this theory Gerry, Segen and a doctor, must get to a section of the facility which is crawling with zombies, where the pathogens are stored and infect themselves. Gerry gets separated from the other two, who rush back to safety avoiding the zombies, and makes his way to the pathogen vault. After getting cornered inside the vault by a lone zombie, Gerry’s only course of action is to perform an impromptu test of his theory. He injects himself with a completely unknown bacteria and opens the vault door‚ÄĒ the zombie ignores him and later the entire horde runs past him. After he makes it back to the safe main building, everyone rejoices at his theory’s success, and they restock their supplies and journey to an extraction point. Gerry & Segen make their way to an evacuation point and are taken by ship to Freeport, Nova Scotia where a safe zone of surviving humans has been setup. Gerry is reunited with his wife, daughter and adopted son Tommy. A “vaccine” derived from deadly pathogens is developed that acts as camouflage for the troops battling the infected, and fleeing survivors can now cross zombie-infested areas with ease to quarantine zones. Human offensives begin against the zombies, and hope is restored.

Good movie, with awesome action. These zombies do not stumble slowly and attack you – the fling themselves in speed and attack you with force. Hurtling across walls, high cliffs and buildings – awesome effects and action, attacking sequences. It’s not engaging enough for me but still is a cut above most zombie films. I see this one more as an action, battling disease film like Outbreak or a much faster paced Contagion rather than a zombie flick. I would give it an 8 outta 10!

The Fuss Over Uncyclopedia

For the first time today I heard/read about a satirical website called Uncyclopedia which is a parody of Wikipedia. It’s been up since 2005 but I only came to know about it this morning, while reading the newspaper – The Indian Express.

I can’t believe that the Central government of India wants to bring in a legislation that makes ridiculing or derogatory statements against Mahatma Gandhi an offense! Some people are miffed that¬† ‘Uncyclopedia’ mocks Gandhi in the page about him! Among some really immature things that they say about his childhood, his parents & his school friends using his “small size” for ridiculous things, they also ridicule his clothing and his non-violent movement. Now here’s the point – they mock everybody; it’s a parody website. No one takes this website seriously; atleast no one in their right mind takes it seriously. Do most of us like these websites – no! Do they serve any purpose? None that I can see except for some slight humour (the vast majority of it would embarrass a 12 year old!) But it falls under freedom on speech. They aren’t hurting anybody, or so it seems!

Now Indian politicians want to get involved in it. The Kerala Assemble Speaker states that “the portrayal of Gandhi in such a bad light is unacceptable to any self-respecting Indian”. By a satirical website that apparently most of us haven’t heard off and none of us, except for the mentally challenged, will take seriously. Seriously, India, we need to grow up.

How about catching criminals, removing corrupt officials, tackling poverty, injustice and addressing the basic needs of the people ?

New Island Formed After Massive Quake

One of the news stories that caught my attention the most Рinfact the one that has caught my attention the most in recent times Рwas the formation & sudden appearance of the small island after the massive earthquake that hit Pakistan on Tuesday. Experts say the island was formed by the massive movement of the earth during the 7.7-magnitude quake that hit Pakistan’s Baluchistan province killing at least 285 people. Alongside the carnage caused by the earthquake a small island of mud, stone and bubbling gas pushed forth from the seabed.

The island appeared off the coast of Gwadar, a port about 533km from Pakistan’s largest city of Karachi and 120km from Iran. The mass was about 18 metres high, 30 metres wide and 76 metres long, making it a little wider than a tennis court and slightly shorter than a football field. Such islands are not entirely unusual to scientists who study the earth and its sometimes violent movements. There are two ways such islands can be created. In the first scenario, the earth’s crust violently lifts up out of the water. In the second, the earthquake triggers the movement and release of gases locked in the earth resulting in a flow called a “mud volcano’’. Sudden islands like this can be swallowed back up by the seas, as has happened in Pakistan in the past. But there have been cases, such as following the Great Alaskan Earthquake almost 50 years ago, when new landforms like these can stay around.

In this case, local residents have been visiting the island and picking up rocks as souvenirs. But Pakistani authorities have been warning them to stay away as methane gas is leaking out of the new structure and can be set off by sparks from a cigarette. And rare as it is, this sudden island is not Pakistan’s first. Similar islands appeared off a different part of the coast of Pakistan after quakes in 1999 and 2010. Those islands were swallowed back into the sea during the monsoon season, a period of heavy rain and wind that sweeps Pakistan every summer.

Will There Ever Be World Peace?

Will there ever be world peace? Explain.

I’m not sure on the answer. Certainly doesn’t look like it at this moment. At the rate we are going, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we end up in another World War within the next 5-10 years. And the results will probably be catastrophic.

However, I do believe that the immature human race will probably have to hit rock bottom before waking up en mass and realizing that they are just on the path to annihilating themselves to oblivion. That’s how my favourite fictional universe says it will happen. I believe that we will probably have one or two more global wars that will see a lot of death & destruction and possibly with a huge chuck of the population wiped out and perhaps even a whole country or two! And in the aftermath the human race will wake up. The horror & shock of seeing the damage caused will awaken the senses of humanity and finally the first steps towards finding a permanent solution will take place.

Perhaps a new global order will have to set in. Once the damages are cleaned up and the healing can begin, how do we ensure that this sort of thing doesn’t happen again? The safety, security and well being of every individual will have to be top priority. Religious differences, border disputes, monetary affairs – all these will have to be set aside and chucked away. The focus will have to be shelter, proper food & water, healthcare, education – those kind of things. Proper housing for everyone. Then we can think of world peace; it will come naturally. And maybe we can concentrate on enhancing the human race, finding new materials, learning new things, exploring space as a race, seeing what’s out there.

Damn it, I am so in a Star Trek world! Yes, that is the dream. We need to be united as one. World peace is not impossible but highly improbable now. It will take a lot, with everyone contributing to make it happen and we’re no where near that level of maturity yet.

Shot At Because No Onions In The Eggs

There are several various reasons that people decide to shoot / stab / kill another person. Disputes on religion, political affiliations, racial hatred, because they hurt you or your family etc etc. But when a news story like this hits the papers I’m wondering what chance does the human race have to actually surviving.

A roadside vendor in Etah district of Uttar Pradesh (a state in India) was shot at on Monday because he did not garnish a customer’s omelette with onions, while another was beaten for using radish instead. Eyewitnesses said eight youths came to a roadside vendor’s stall on Sunday evening and ordered omelettes. One of them, Hemant Khurana, a hardcore criminal, started abusing the vendor, Deepu Kashyap, and complained his omelette did not have onions. Khurana then pulled out a country-made pistol and fired at the vendor who slumped to the ground after the bullet grazed his forehead. The accused, however, fled from the spot. On Kashyap’s complaint, an FIR has been filed against Khurana and his accomplices at Aliganj Police Station.  Kashyap was taken to the Aligarh Medical College, where his condition was said to be stable.

In a similar incident at Railway Road, a vendor and two of his customers were injured when they exchanged blows over the ingredients in chaat. The customers, Aslam Farid and Ravi, were angry because the vendor, Ramesh, put radish instead of onions in the snack. Ramesh has filed a complaint with the police against the duo. An official at Dhanipur Mandi said at least 450 quintals of onions were needed daily for ‚Äėreasonable‚Äô prices. But currently only 50 quintals were coming from various places, with almost no supply from traditional suppliers, Nashik and Indore.

And this is a reason for people to try and kill one another?

After Earth

This was the 3rd big scifi movie that I was waiting with anticipation to watch in 2013 and  РOblivion is the first and Star Trek : Into Darkness, was the other one. The movie I am talking about today is After Earth starring Will Smith and is son Jaden Smith. This action Рadventure Рscifi movie was directed by M Night Shyamalan who co-wrote the film  Gary Whitta, based on an original story idea by Will Smith. The problem is the story is quite simple and the end result is a bit of a let down.

Alright what’s the movie about? In the future an environmental change occurs on earth forcing all the humans to leave the planet (a huge multi-government project) in huge spaceships and settle on a new one called Nova Prime. A 100o years later an alien race attacks Nova Prime intending to conquer it and fight the human soldiers called Rangers. The aliens’ secret weapons are the Ursas, large, blind predatory creatures that hunt by “sensing” fear. This gives them the edge as the creatures are huge, intimidating & can kill you easily. However it takes a General Cypher Raige (Will Smith) who develops a technique called “ghosting” which he uses to supress his fear, thereby making him invisible to the Ursas. He teaches this technique to the other rangers he leads the Ranger Corps to victory. Cypher’s son Kitai blames himself for the death of his sister Senshi, who was killed when an Ursa sneaked into their home and killed her. Kitai was very young at that time and was made to hide by his sister. As Cypher returns from his latest mission he finds out that Kitai, who had tried out for the Rangers, was rejected due to his recklessness. As Cypher considers his son to be a disappointment, his wife convinces him to take their son on his next mission.

On the flight the spaceship is caught in an asteroid shower and is hit forcing them to crash land on a planet – which happens to be the abandoned Earth! Post crash we find out that the only survivors are Kitai – who was buckled up in his seat – and Cypher who’s legs are broken. As their main beacon has been damaged Kitai has to trek about a 100 kms on his own to retrieve the beacon in the tail section of the ship and signal Nova Prime for a rescue. Armed with a weapon, a wrist communicator and ¬†six capsules of a fluid that enhances the oxygen intake so he can breathe in Earth’s low-oxygen atmosphere, Kitai sets off on his own. Cypher is able to guide him on the screens. Kitai is attacked by vicious baboons, poisnoned by a leech and also finds out that 2 of the capsules were damaged. He lies to his father about the number of capsules he has left and when Cypher does find out he orders his son to come back. Believing his father still sees him as a disappointment, Kitai blames Senshi’s death on Cypher’s absence on the day of the attack. As he dives from the cliff he is captured by a giant condor that drops him into it’s nest. Kitai wakes in a nest of the condor, where he is surrounded by huge saber cats attempting to get hold of the condor’s chicks and he joins the condor in fighting them off before escaping. However the communicator is damaged and father & son can no longer contact each other. While floating along a river he falls asleep on a raft and dreams of his sister who tells him that his bitterness is because he blames himself for her death. After he wakes up he finds himself freezing in the cold and faints but is rescued by the condor who keeps him warm.

Finally Kitai reaches the tail section and gets himself more oxygen capsules and recovers the beacon but needs to reach a higher altitude to activate it. He also finds out that the ship carried a captured Ursa which was being transported for training purposes, escaped and killed the remnants of the crew. As he heads to the top of the volcano he too is attacked & injured by the Ursa but remembers the ghosting technique Cypher taught him is able to control his fear and “ghost” himself from the Ursa enough to kill it. He then fires the beacon. A rescue team arrives, and after a corny scene that shows that his dad now respects him, the two travel back to Nova Prime. Kitai decides not to become a ranger and work with his mother instead.

The film is a bit boring in places and does not really take off. You can guess the outcome of a lot of situations. Plus the acting by Jaden Smith is terrible as he looks like he is out of his element. He also cannot show emotions properly and for a long time in the movie has that stupid expression on his face (as shown on the poster). Will Smith is a stoic, sterile & strict military man who shows no emotion and is stiff throughout the movie hence robbing it of his usual charm. The direction lacks everything needed to make the film a success. Yes some of the effects are great but that’s about it. 6 outta 10!

The Case Of The Hilarious Pizza!

Ok, some of you may have read my post on the Kochin Food Mall and my first visit to the place and the Revenue Tower building which houses it. During my last visit, just as I was leaving, I had noticed that there was a board for a pizzeria. I didn’t catch the name properly or remember which stall it was but I thought I should try it out sometime. That was on the 6th of this month and last evening a friend and I went to visit the food court or food mall whatever you want to call it.

Once again I must say that this place should be advertized more and they should properly maintain it – it could be a really good, busy & profitable place but they are just letting it rot! I wasn’t very happy with my last experience there with the NFC stall (ordered a garlic chicken burger with a piece of crispy fried chicken as a side since they didn’t have any fries ready yet – the burger was small but tasty but the chicken piece was bland and no salt at all) but since they have 8 other food stalls in the food court I thought I should try out some other ones and give them a fair chance. Anyway, we were in the mood for some pizza and so we went to the food court and looked around for the pizza stall.

Trouble was, we couldn’t find it. We got off at the 3rd floor and went round the floor looking for the pizzeria stall but failed to notice it. So we went round again and no wonder we missed it! That’s was because one big stall was housing three differently named food stall joints. It was Bombay Haji Ali Juice Center, Sadar Pav Bhaji (chaat vendor) and CHEEZEZIA pizza corner – all in one big stall. The biggest in the food court, mind you. However, the other two signs are much bigger and the Cheezezia Pizza Corner is just one smaller hoarding on the bottom side! So when we asked the guy at the counter if that is where the pizza corner was as well, he said yes and gave us a small menu which had about 7 or 8 pizzas mentioned on it as well! Ok – that should have been our first clue as to not to order from there but we still went on.

We couldn’t find anything with meat mentioned in the ingredients and selected the “Schezwan” pizza and we hesitantly ordered that. They didn’t have an sizes mentioned so we were hoping it was a decent sized one. We then went to a soft drink stall and ordered 2 7up cans and went to sit at a table. A few minutes went by and we sipped some of the 7up and talked a bit. There were only 3 other tables that were occupied and one of them was occupied by management staff of the food court. It was almost 6:30 pm by then! And then the hilarity struck! This was what the server came and brought us calling it a pizza:

Can you see the joke on us? What the fuck is that? We were a little scared but tried them anyway. A medium sized pie with 8 small to medium slices. We slowly picked up a piece each and ate them. There were toast crusts of what seemed like rusk to us (if you don’t know what rusk is it’s a hard, dry biscuit or a twice-baked bread) – basically what they did was they served us a circular disk of rush, on top of which they added some cheese and – wait for it – the toppings that go with a usual BHEL PURI! A fucking bhel puri! The toppings other than the tomatoes were lots or coriander, chopped onions, tomatoes & Sev (a slight crunchy noodles made from chickpea flour paste). All that was missing was the puffed rice – bhel puri is a mix of puffed rice, sev, tomatoes, coriander, onions with ‘mixture’. So minus the puffed rice is what the toppings were.

I can’t say that it tasted that bad but it wasn’t good either. We were laughing so hard at the audacity of the stall vendors to call this piece of chaat food pizza and claim that they had a pizza corner in their food court. But yeah – this is India and Kerala in particular. This kinda stuff happens a lot over here. We managed to eat most of it but left some behind. It was without a doubt the worst pizza I have ever had!

Completely Unfair & Terribly Stupid

Tell us about something you think is terribly unfair ‚ÄĒ and explain how you would rectify it.

What is totally unfair is the prestigious status given to religions in countries such as mine. Religions – no matter if they are wrong on certain points, are harmful and just plain stupid on others – is treated as sacred and anything that contradicts them is considered blasphemous. Well, fuck you and fuck your religion and you gods/prophets! If you are wrong, you are wrong. The idiots who believe everything that their stupid books and priests tells them – you are pathetic! If they tell you that the sun revolves around the earth and the earth is flat – you will believe it! Not only that, you want the rest of us to believe in your nonsense and make it illegal to teach anything that contradicts them!

This issue is a big one. If not in check you will have half the nation filled with idiots who know very little of the natural world that surrounds them. They won’t be bothered to understand how things come to be, how stuff works or how to create new & better things. Everything is magic! The god of the gaps belief is perhaps the most stupidest and most dangerous thing ever – it makes people complacent and lazy and dumb! Nothing was ever achieved by belief in the god of the gaps concepts! Ah fuck it, it’s not even a concept, it’s just a cop out. I don’t know and hence god did it is about as dumb as you can get!

So kick out the unfairness and make truth the norm. I’m not even saying that we should ban or abolish religions. That does not work. Let the believe but religions should be on the same footing as a fan club. Because when you look at it closely that’s what it is – a fan club. The worst kind but still nothing more than a fan club at it’s core. Give it the same powers as the fan clubs for football teams or movie actors! And tax the bastards to hell! They owe a lot to the government in back¬† taxes as well. And put that money to good use. Take the money from the churches, temples and mosques and feed the nation!

Arsenal 3 Stock City 1

Not playing at their best but it was still good enough for Arsenal to get a 3-1 win at home against Stoke City and all 3 points that sees them go to the top of the table. Mesut Ozil had a hand in all three Arsenal goals as they chalked up their seventh consecutive victory by more or less comfortably beating Stoke. The outcome was never in doubt even when Stoke managed to score a stunning equalizer in the first half. Stoke equalised before the break when Geoff Cameron steered in after Marko Arnautovic hit the post. Aaron Ramsey notched his seventh goal in eight games by knocking in after Asmir Begovic saved Ozil’s free-kick.

Per Mertesacker and Bacary Sagna then headed in Ozil set-pieces as Arsenal moved to the top of the Premier League. With Tottenham playing Cardiff later on Sunday, Arsene Wenger’s side could be overtaken by their north London rivals. But this result was another demonstration of how Ramsey and Ozil, making his home debut, are becoming pivotal players for the Gunners. With a still lengthy injury list, there was a further worry for Wenger when Theo Walcott was ruled out before kick-off with a pelvic abdominal injury. However, his 18-year-old German deputy, Serge Gnabry, looked comfortable in his first game of the season. Mikel Arteta also returned for the final 10 minutes following a thigh problem.