The New Priest At Mass

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,

“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8 ) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as ‘Mary with the Cherry’.

13) Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Favourite Playthings As A Child

What was your favorite plaything as a child? Do you see any connection between your life now, and your favorite childhood toy?

I can’t remember anything that stands out a lot. I had a bunch of toy cars and I played with them a lot. General cars, a truck or two, buses and even some toy bikes. I remember the old ones which go on their own once you wind them up. Having races with my friends, or even all alone, to pass the afternoons. I had a race track, with a loop, that I would play my toy bikes on.

I also remember this plaster of Paris thing that I had – came in a box with rubber/latex designs of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe characters. You mix the ingredients and pour it into the latex stuff and wait for it to harden and dry off. Then once it is done and you carefully pull them out you get a white figure of the character. You then use a small paintbrush and paint to bring them to colour. I remember this one especially because try as we might, no one could make it come out perfect. They would always break.

Sometime around 1985 or 86 my dad bought my sister and me an Atari video game box. Lousy graphics and games by today’s standards ofcourse but we loved it. Bowling, Igloo building, some fighter jet game etc etc. Perhaps a Pac-Man game in it too (can’t remember)? We loved those and I spent hours playing them.

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Arsenal 2 Swansea 1

Arsenal extended their lead at the top of the Premier League to two points as goals from Serge Gnabry and Aaron Ramsey saw them to victory at Swansea. After Tottenham and Chelsea drew, and Manchester United and Manchester City lost, the Gunners capitalised to maintain their early-season promise. German teenager Gnabry slotted the opener after half-time, his first goal for Arsenal,  and in-form Ramsey fired in to double the advantage. However, Swansea were a battling team, playing an attacking style befitting their coach former Danish international Michael Laudrup. Ben Davies volleyed home to give Swansea hope but Arsenal held on.

The result extends their club record of consecutive away wins in all competitions to 12 and equals their record of eight in the Premier League, which was set in the 2001-02 title-winning campaign. While much credit has gone to new signing Mesut Ozil, once again Arsenal’s driving force was Ramsey, who joined them as a 17-year-old in 2008 and suffered from injury and inconsistency until this season. The former Cardiff player was booed throughout by the home supporters but responded with another commanding display, playing a role in both of his side’s goals and scoring an eighth in eight games. Similarly influential was Gnabry, the 18-year-old German scoring his first goal for the Gunners in only his second Premier League start. Both men shone against a Swansea side now without a league win in eight matches at the Liberty Stadium, where Arsenal kicked-off knowing exactly what was at stake having seen their rivals slip up earlier in the day.

The other match that I saw last evening was Chelsea vs Tottenham Hotspurs which ended in a 1-1 draw and saw Fernando Torres sent off.