Jokes For The End Of The Year

My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full …. with either rum, vodka or whiskey.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ….. but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something!

Q: Why did Princess Leia contract Coronavirus?
A: Because she went to woo Han.

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Boxing Day Blues

What would I be doing if I live in a Western country like Canada, the areas of the US that I like or the UK, as I have often wished I did, on Boxing Day? What would I be doing in the holiday season if I had that life that I desperately wish I had. Well, pretty much what I imagine it to be is a cozy family day at home.

I would wake up late on Boxing day to find that my loving wife is also sleeping in that morning. Despite me walking on tip toes to get to the bathroom and doing my morning business, the family dog however does hear me and is wagging her tail in greeting as if she couldn’t wait for the night to be over and her humans to wake up. I pet the dog and quietly led her out of the bedroom, so my wife cannot hear us. I go down to the kitchen and let the dog out into the yard and then get coffee started on the machine. As I yawn and wait for the dog to come in and for the coffee to get made, I stand in the cold air on the deck and stretch.

The dog is now back in and I close the door that leads out to the back deck and yard. I get two cups made just in time to hear my wife coming down the steps. So she did hear us and had woken up. As she comes in to greet me good morning with a kiss, I get the coffees ready so we can relax on the sofas and switch on the tv. I suspect that the rest of the day will be making breakfast, choosing left overs for a quick lunch and then watching movies on tv. Walking the dog and not doing much else more taxing that day until dinner time and we have to choose between ordering in or cooking up something quickly.

That would be my Boxing day if I had the option.