A man is leaving church when he sees an altar boy get hit by a car. The man rushes over and asks the dying boy, “Would you like me to get the priest?” To which the altar boy responds, “How can you think about sex at a time like this?”
A Catholic priest in New Orleans had tickets to the NFC Championship game against the Vikings last year. Unfortunately, he also was scheduled for confession.
He notices a very devout looking parishoner praying and decides to ask the man to cover confession for him. The parishoner replies, “Father, I’m not qualified to do that.” To which the priest says, “I have a book in the confessional with all sins and the correct penance for it so I don’t make any mistakes.”
The man reluctantly agrees and the priest races to the Superdome and the man takes his seat in the confessional.
A man enters and says, “forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have had sex with young boys.”
“I see,” he says, and opens the book to find the correct penance for anal sex with young boys, but to his dismay it wasn’t listed. He opens the door and sees an altar boy lighting candles. He asks, “alter boy, what does Father give for anal sex with young boys?”
The alter boy replies, “he usually gives us a tootsie roll and a cherry coke.”
A man goes to confession.
“Priest, I kept a woman in my basement for years.”
“Go on, my son.” said the priest.
“You see, she’s a Jew and they were looking for her. I told her I would hide her.”
“Well, that sounds like the Christian thing to do. Sure, you might have had to lie a few times to keep her out of harms’ way, but you saved a life.”
“But, I asked for sexual favors in return for my services.”
“Still. You did a good thing. Ten ‘hail Marys’ and you’re forgiven.”
“How many ‘hail Mary’s’ do I have to do to keep from telling her for another few months that the war is over?”