Jokes For The End Of The Year

My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full …. with either rum, vodka or whiskey.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ….. but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something!

Q: Why did Princess Leia contract Coronavirus?
A: Because she went to woo Han.

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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